That House

I wrote:Alo people, I wrote this for an English "creative writing" assignment, but then lost the original , so I'm writing from memory! I know its short and all but...

His hand faltered as he reached for the light-switch. Memories of the previous night flashed through his mind as if lit by a strobe light. Outside he could still hear the birds, chirpping happily, as if nothing had happened. Unthinkingly he switched on the light. His room was sparsely decorated. One cupboard, one bed, one naked light bulb hanging from the ceiling,one trail of dried, brown blood running under his door, and one open window. He stood quietly, and snuck to the window; not because he didn't want to be heard, but rather because he wanted to cease existing. He couldn't remember climbing out of the window, or walking through the long african grass to the stables, or even saddling his Pinto horse. He spurred the horse into a canter, then into a full-on gallop. And everything seemed so menacing... the yellow grass whipping his feet, the leafless trees, and that house, seeming to glare at him with its single round porthole window, glaring at him through the trees, glaring at him through the trees, glaring at him...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
He rode for hours, until he reached a heavenly cloud of lavender. A single path cut through the fragrant mass, to a lonely acacia tree. This tree lost its leaves later than all the other trees, so its luscious canopy still gave some protection against the harsh winds. It was under this tree that he sat, and thought. He wished the lavender would go on forever, but it didn't. It melted into the stark trees, wherein stood that house... memories streamed into his mind once more. Him, holding his pillow, his body jerking with sobs. His mother's still body lying in the smooth marble bath. His dad's bellowing voice...they should never have moved to that house... it must have been that house... it was that house... that house... that house...

Hey there!

Wow! I wasn't expecting that ending at all, and it worked really well. You managed to fit a lot into such a short story. Still, I do have a few suggestions:

Unthinkingly he switched on the light.

Why unthinkingly? You said just a couple of sentences that he was reaching for the light, so it wasn't unintentional. I don't really think this word fits here.

One cupboard, one bed, one naked light bulb hanging from the ceiling...one trail of dried blood running under through his door...and one open window

I personally don't like the use of ellipses here. If you want to make the part about the blood stand out from the rest of the description and seem more surprising, I would suggest putting it in a seperate sentence. If you want to slip it in amongst the rest of the mundane objects like it's a usual part of his life (which I'm guessing you don't but still), you could get rid of the ellipses but keep it the way it is apart from that. As it is it's kind of a mix between the two which doesn't work in my opinion. Also, under or through? You can't really have both at the same time.

He stood quietly, and snuck to the window. He snuck, not because he didn't want to be heard, but rather because he wanted to cease existing.

This second sentence here is actually my favourite part of this story. I love the way you have such interesting characterisation, and hint that something's wrong. However, the repetition of "snuck" is quite cumbersome and weakens it. I would suggesting combining both sentences with a colon:

He stood quietly, and snuck to the window: not because he didn't want to be heard, but rather because he wanted to cease existing.

Or maybe a semi-colon or a comma? I'm not sure; it's up to you, I just think that colons deserve more love. XD But that way you would get rid of the annoying repetition.

So, overall, while I did like this I think there are ways you can improve it. The chief issue is that it feels very rushed, especially the way it goes so suddenly from him being in the room to him being on the horse. I suppose that's because you'd already written it once before (that sucks, by the way ), but yeah, expanding it a bit might help. Also, I felt the setting was quite odd. It seems maybe African, with the yellow grass and the acacia tree, but then suddenly there's lavender? I can't think of anywhere where you get both lavender and acacia trees in the same place. The only other thing I have to say is to go easy on the ellipsises. They work quite well at the very end, with the repetition of "that house..." but they're also dotted throughout the story, and why would you want every other sentence trailing off? If you use them sparingly they'l have a better effect when they're really needed.

Anyway, I hope you expand on this because it was an interesting read and I think you could make it even better. PM me if you have any questions or anything, and keep writing!

Hello there
So this was defintely suspense packed story. The truth unravels only at the end, lovely. I have but only a few problems though:
I thought that your paragraphs were too long. There were obvious places also where a new paragraph would have been suitable. Remember, start a new paragraph when you start a new idea.

Outside he could still hear the birds, chirpping happily, as if nothing had happened.

Hmm, saying that the birds were chirpping as if nothing had happened, in a literal sense it's like you mean they were involved somehow. It's a good description but it's not clear. I don't know, maybe I'm just crazy.

Your few grammatical and spelling errors which is not bad. I loved the fact that the your story was unique in that it was only narrated and no dialogue. A good story none the less.
Good job