The Love I See

Golden floors appeared around him.
Light shines down the right hall.

The voice of a woman echoes down the left hall.
Turning his head from left to right.
Frost collectes upon the shiny floors.
The womans voice grows louder as the light flickers down the hall.

The womans voice disruptes the sky, so loud it was.
The man walkes from the fading light.
Towards the woman he walks a snails pace.
Making his choice and closing his door.

Now the perfect ending is not at all seen.
For think of the light shinning down the right hall.
Did he choose the right hall?

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The power of Love.
Great, Love.

Hey snickerdooly!

First of all, do a quick check and make sure that everything is spelled right. Right now, everything isn't quite right.

Anyway, for the voice! You keep on describing the voice is, but you're not really describing how her voice sounds (aside from it being loud) and you don't actually describe what she is saying, or even if what she says matters. So! I would probably describe her words, or at least how she sounds. The only description (loud) is making me think of Kung Fu Hustle... remember the lion's roar? So, definitely describe it better and it'll be tons more awesome!

Other than that, I think your metaphor is pretty intriguing... though I have to wonder who the woman is to him other than a voice to be blocked out.

Hi Snickerdooly! I think Snoink mostly covered it, so I'm just going to make a quick list of words you need to correct ...

- collects
- woman's
- distrupts
- walks
- shining

I hope this helps, because I though maybe you didn't realize these misspellings.

- Abigail

Thanks! I'm not the greatest at spelling

snickerdooly wrote:Thanks! I'm not the greatest at spelling

No prob. Those of us who are not the greatest at spelling were lucky to have been born in the modern age, for not only do we have dictionaries, but we have the magical powers of Spell Check! Spell Check