Lather and Nothing Else- rewrite

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So, for a school assignment, we had to rewrite the short story "Lather and Nothing Else" by Hernando Tellez with a plot twist and in a different location. I placed mine in 1850s London. Here it is!



Lather and Nothing Else Creative Rewrite


A voice screamed outside as I sharpened my razor. I held it up to the light, inspecting its cold beauty. You learned to live in the slums. You learned to work, no matter what. My shop was the only thing that kept this part of London alive- I was the best barber in London, without question. The rich came in regularly. They’d pull up out front, their carriages parked as close to the door as they could get it. Hurry in, hurry out. The slums were my shield. They kept people like him from wandering in.
He strolled in leisurely that day, without a word. He hung his coat by the door, carefully brushing off the coal dust. Never a speck out of place, not in his city. Skim the scum off the streets; hang them by their friends where everyone could see. My hands trembled as he settled into a chair, though the winter wind blowing in through the open door masked it as a shiver. I pushed it closed.
“Cold as the dickens out there. My, do I hate the nights in London. You spend all day in a frigid courtroom and step out into an even colder dusk.”
Cold, yes. And dark. Nobody around at this ungodly hour, I thought as I began to stir the soap. I knew how cold the courtroom could be. And when you have no hope, when you sit in that coal-stained chair with your hands tied down and a stack of falsified evidence staring you in the face- well, it’s a lot colder. Almost as cold as ten years in a prison cell can be.
His gravelly voice broke my thoughts. “Another day, another case. Petty crime, this one- well… you can keep a secret, can’t you?” The lather began to rise. I nodded, careful to keep my face straight. “Pure scum, this one. I saw him, and I instantly disliked him. I framed him, so I did. Placed the watch right into his pocket, and told a passing gent to call the Bow Street Runners. The wretch never had a chance. He’ll hang tomorrow, this one. I’m sick of them all getting off with prison. No fun in seeing them away alive.”
He must have thought me to be on the popular side-that when it came to the thieves and beggars, it was simply out of sight, out of mind. Nobody cares for the blokes in the alleys. Especially not the magistrate who cares only to be rid of them all. That was who he was. I could practically feel the alien weight of a wallet in my pocket. It was as clear as yesterday.
I began to lather his face, trying to keep my hand steady. I glanced outside. No one respectable was out at this time of night, not around here. The magistrate must have come here straight from work, hoping to get in before I closed up. Then he’d walk back to whatever fine estate he lived in; pour himself a toddy, and scheme. I felt a certain responsibility with the enemy in my house.
I carefully began to shave his face. I knew I must do as well as I would with any other customer. The blade flashed in the dim light, challenging me. I carefully wiped it clean of soap and hair. I am a painstaking barber.
“You should come to the hanging tomorrow. Six in the morning, in the square.”
“How many will hang?” I murmured.
“Four tomorrow. It’ll be a fine time.”
My razor reached the neck, the last part that remained unshaven. I steadied myself. Nothing should go wrong now. I slowly watched the razor’s descent. Blast that man! I was no murderer. I had always been an honest barber. The only reason I didn’t hang, so they had said. I could easily end his life, now. His blood would stain the crisp sheet over his neck, trickle down to the floor in rivulets.
But what would I do with the body? These were dangerous times. A slain man in the slums was nothing. Nobody would ever know. If anyone were to see me kill him now, they would be the very scum he was so dispassionate about. They wouldn’t blink twice when they saw his head roll.
The skin is smooth, now. The razor rests on it, lingering in its final stroke. My fate rests on it as well. I think of my life. I think of the lives of the four innocent beggars that are to end tomorrow.
The blade sinks in, cutting the flesh like rubber. The blood begins to trickle down, onto my hands, my blade, his chair. I shake uncontrollably, the blade pressing deeper. His eyes look up at me, devoid of emotion.
“So it is, you, then.” He rasps, his mouth filling with blood. I presser harder, and I feel his neck snap.
He says nothing more.
Honey, you should see me in a crown.




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This was delightfully creepy. I loved that you gave his motives, as well as lingered on his morals of being an honest barber. It not only gave him depth, but made the story more realistic.

I'm not sure if you meant for none of the characters to be physically described, but that's one thing I noticed. I, myself, thrive on character's appearances, but the lack of them doesn't take anything important from the story. Having only two characters and with the amount of description you did use, that can pass without much notice.

one part that I really didn't understand was the man's last words. "So it is, you, then." I re-read it many times, but still don't understand it. Is it a quote from the original piece? Maybe it is just me, or i didn't put two and two together correctly.

Really, this was a great piece. It has wonderful voice and images, and it's genuinely believable. Keep up the great writing!
Hmmm...this snake is called a "Water Moccasin" so in THEORY I should be able to strap them to my feet and cross this river like Jesus?

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Thanks so much! Yeeah, it's pretty much a quote from the original. That helped a lot. Thank you!
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Hi dreamy!
Unfortunately, I've never read "Lather and Nothing Else" by Hernando Tellez. So, I won't be able to give you a great review on this. But I have taken the liberty and read a short summary of the story itself. So, I'm sorry if my visions on this aren't as accurate.

Nitpicks/comments

A voice screamed outside as I sharpened my razor.

I find the verb 'screamed' here a bit too odd. May I suggest a rewording for this?
Almost as cold as ten years in a prison cell can be.

Fragment.
No fun in seeing them away alive.”

*alive anyway, I think?

Alright, so I don't have many nitpicks so I'll get on with my overall thoughts on this.
In the original story, the barber decides against killing Torres because he understand his place and he was simply just a baraber. He could not take blood on his hands. In your alternate plot twist, you have the barber kill Torres. Not much of a plot twist there honestly, but it's alright, in a sense. :)
Now, in this part:
He strolled in leisurely that day, without a word. He hung his coat by the door, carefully brushing off the coal dust. Never a speck out of place, not in his city. Skim the scum off the streets; hang them by their friends where everyone could see. My hands trembled as he settled into a chair, though the winter wind blowing in through the open door masked it as a shiver. I pushed it closed.

How does he recognize Torres as a murderer?
He can't possibly assume, right? From what I've read in the summary, Torres is recognized by his beard being unshaven for four days or something, not quite sure but something along those lines.
Anyways, this is quite short. I would have liked it you explained a few more things, consider more of the reasons he wished to kill him. The story itself is mainly between the barber and the dilemma he faces as he makes a choice to kill the man or not. In this case he kills him, but honestly you didn't go much into depth as to why the urge to kill him overpowers the urge not to. What decisions did he take into hand?
I think you did a good job describing the scene, the shivering hands and all was a nice touch for us to understand his nervousness. You imagery was good and you flow was nice. As an independent short story, this is actually pretty neat and cool. However, connecting this to "Lather and Nothing Else" I think it's missing the main point. The thoughts, the choice he had to make. Go more into depth with that and I think we'll have something nice here. And since this is a plot twist, I think it should be called "Lather and Blood" XD Since he killed the dude in the end.
Anyways, I hope I was helpful and I hope you get a good grade!
If you have any more questions, feel free to ask :3

~Shear
Last edited by Shearwater on Thu Sep 30, 2010 2:44 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Thank you so much! I'm off to edit it now.
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I'm here! Hopefully you'll see this before class. :D

Grammar in the spoiler. Most of it is just misplaced commas. If you want a pause where I mentioned getting rid of a comma, try using a dash. :)
Spoiler
My shop was the only thing that kept this part of London alive- I was the best barber in London, without question.


Two hyphens make a dash. Microsoft Word automatically joins the two hyphens, but generally, two hyphens make a dash.

He strolled in leisurely that day, without a word.


No comma.

Never a speck out of place, [a dash instead?] not in his city. Skim the scum off the streets; hang them by their friends where everyone could see.


This second sentence took me a few times to read before I finally figured it out. It doesn't seem to fit with the paragraph it's in. I'd take it out unless you can rework it.

My hands trembled as he settled into a chair, though the winter wind blowing in through the open door masked it as a shiver.


The second part of this sentence goes on too long before you lose the reader. Start it as "though it was masked by the winter wind..." I would think.

His gravellyvoice broke my thoughts.


Keep it as "grave" or just get rid of it.

Placed the watch right into his pocket, [no comma] and told a passing gent to call the Bow Street Runners.


Then he’d walk back to whatever fine estate he lived in; pour himself a toddy, and scheme.


I'm thinking we should change that semi-colon into a comma, ja?

“You should come to the hanging tomorrow. Six in the morning, [no comma] in the square.”


I could easily end his life, [no comma] now.


The blood begins to trickle down ["his neck and" or some variation thereof], [no comma] onto my hands, my blade, his chair.


“So it is, [no comma] you, then.” He rasps, his mouth filling with blood. I presser harder, and I feel his neck snap.


I know you said it was a direct quote, so you can probably ignore that comma. But with both commas, I had to reread that a few times to understand what he was saying.


OKAY. Boring grammar is over. :D

I like it! It's creepy, and I like how you set the mood for the entire piece--the winter, cold, dark, etc. That's excellent work right there. Kudos!

Before I forget, I want to mention how you snuck this in:

I could practically feel the alien weight of a wallet in my pocket. It was as clear as yesterday.


I didn't even catch that, which is a good sign, believe it or not. XD I'm bad at paying attention to detail, so when I have to go back and figure out the puzzle, and I find the missing pieces, it's very good!

One thing I don't quite like is the ending. The murder thing is good (it totally fits the creepy, dark mood you have going), but I still feel like it was a random act by the barber. He mentions that the guy's a jerkface, but he doesn't seem to have any sort of emotion besides... nerves? I figured he was nervous because some big shot came in his shop, but maybe I just got that wrong and was already planning this murder from the start. Hmm. Maybe you intentionally left that hanging. *shifty eyes* Still doesn't help the fact that I thought it was random. XD Maybe show a little more emotion or explanation? Through out most of this piece, I saw the barber as just a third-party listener.

Also to add on the conclusion thing, I think you should dramatically end it on "So it is you, then." The extra sentences after it kind of drag it on more than it has to be, I think. The murder twist is already dramatic, so keep it that way! You can probably get away with keeping it as:

"So it is you then."

He said no more.


Or maybe the last sentence can be something more creepy, maybe some deja vu sentence that mentions the wallet or courtroom. The hangings maybe. "Make that five hangings." Though I guess the barber said he wouldn't be hanged for it. *shrugs* Just my thoughts on that. Do with it what you will!

Those are the only two points that stood out to me. Good luck on it tomorrow! Hope I helped a bit. :)

Keep writing!

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Haha, thanks, Jabs! That actually was how I ended it originally, but my friend told me I should make it more clear that the judge knew it was the man he had framed a long time ago. I wish I could have written more to make the barber's actions clearer, but I had a word limit :(

I was three words over and had to randomly delete a bunch... it was like killing my children...

Thanks! I'll be rewarding points to everyone who reivewed me!
Honey, you should see me in a crown.



The best books... are those that tell you what you know already.
— George Orwell, 1984