My Worst Memory

MY WORST MEMORY

When i think of what happened to me on that day i realize the importance of obeying my elders.

Well it was a chilly Friday morning when i made my way to school.Like any other school day i crossed Hudson Stream which lavishly poured into Beverly River .I had no bad feeling about using this route though my mother had been so apprehensive about this action.All kinds of unbelievable and queer stories had been said but i certainly made no move.People claimed to have seen ghosts and other fierce creatures in front of the old half-finished flimsy building that stood gaunt against the sky and it lay a few metres away from the mysterious River Beverly but to my great astonishment nothing had drawn my attention.

With disbelief in my mind i arrogantly continued crossing Hudson Stream but this time i was unlucky.As i was walking one day on my way to school i heard a deafening hissing sound in the background.I suddenly turned and my eyes were welcomed by an old fierce-looking man who possesed a vulture-beak nose, abnormal ears and a face that ended in a double chin.His face went crimson as he continously stared at me and i got scared. He then forcefully took me to the old unfinished building where he promised to cook me for supper.I became unconsciouss because of fear and shock.

Unfortunately i don't remember what happened thereafter but my memory of that night sends a cold chill down my spine.

Hello, 300! Welcome to YWS. Be sure to get out there and review!

Well, let's take a look at your story. Ignoring grammar or style, the plot seems to be lacking. You had a good build. You were talking about how your mother always told you she was nervous about crossing the Hudson Stream, and that there had been stories about the building by the Beverly River, but you decided to go anyway. It even keeps building as you describe the old man. But then it just drops. It almost seems like you were going to write a scary story, but didn't know how to continue it, so you just ended it. Because of that, the rest of your piece fails. Even if this is a REAL memory and you wanted to tell it how it actually happened, why not take a few liberties. You're writing fiction, after all. Elaborate on what happened. Even the movement into the building seemed too rushed. How did he forcefully take the character? By pushing? By pulling?

Now, to comment on grammar and style, you should be sure to add spaces after periods before beginning the next sentence. Reconsider your word usage. A river spilling lavishly doesn't sound right, since the definition of lavishly implies material richness, decorations. It doesn't work to describe the flow of the river. Even 'generously' would be more appropriate. Check your spelling, too ("unconsious"), capitalize "I", and decide whether the river is called Beverly River or River Beverly.

The other thing I want to mention is that you start the story talking about a specific chilly Friday morning, and then at the beginning of the next paragraph, you say 'one day on my way to school', as if they are different days. Did this story happen on that chilly Friday morning? Then take out 'one day on my way to school', and rearrange your writing. Start with your mother's description of the route, of the stories about it, and then talk about the chilly friday morning when you cross the stream like any other day.

Keep writing, and rework this piece!

If you have any questions or comments for me, please PM me.
I look forward to seeing you around the site. Thanks!

-Hannah-

I would take another look at this grammatically, and fix up the mistakes and whatnot.

Also, I know that this was a real event for you, but it's also some great material for a short story- I totally thought this was going to be a horror story until it ended, and I remembered it was a real occurrence. You could take advantage of the situation, and pen a scary story for Halloween or something.

Overall, nicely done. Just run it through spell check, and maybe make the end a bit stronger.

-Coral-

Hello there and welcome to YWS! Hope you I like it here.
There are a lot of grammar mistakes, you never capitalised your 'I'. Anyway I think your story right now looks a bit more like a draft or abstract and so a lot of information is lacking. Critical information like more descriptions on the character's feelings and the surroundings. You should also tell the story in a way that I would want to read until the end. Get some suspense in there and some imagery, the little things that make a story worthwhile. Read over your work before submitting, this would also give you practice so that you make as little errors as possible. I think that your writing has a lot of potential and with more practice, you will get the hang of how to entertain with words.

Keep posting, I'm looking forward to seeing more work by you. Also, get reviewing, it helps improve writing skills.
Keep writing

Despite its length I found this story to be very intriguing. Unfortunately it is lacking in description which is always important for shorter stories. Here are my suggestions:

300 wrote:MY WORST MEMORY

When i think of what happened to me on that day i realize the importance of obeying my elders.

Not a bad opening sentence, but I think you could do a little better. You want to use language that hints at the way in which your character was effected by this particular event without giving too much away.

Well it was a chilly Friday morning when i made my way to school.Like any other school day i crossed Hudson Stream which lavishly poured into Beverly River .

Like I said before this is a very short episode so you really need to hammer in the details. Don't just tell us that the Hudson Stream lavishly poured into the river, describe it to us. Tell us about how the golden light from the orange and pink sunset shimmered on the surface of the water like golden foil. I mean if that's the way you see it of course.

And while we're at it, describe this character to us. At this point I'm not sure how old this character is, what this character looks like or even if its a boy or a girl. With short stories you need to give the reader as much information as possible as soon as possible so we can know what's going on right away.

I had no bad feeling about using this route though my mother had been so apprehensive about this action.

Awkward description. I suggest rephrasing.

All kinds of unbelievable and queer stories had been said but i certainly made no move.People claimed to have seen ghosts and other fierce creatures in front of the old half-finished flimsy building that stood gaunt against the sky and it lay a few metres away from the mysterious River Beverly but to my great astonishment nothing had drawn my attention.

This sentence is too long, it needs to be broken up.

Also you need to tell us a particular story your character heard about this building so we as readers can know why it's such a foreboding place. Tell us about the story of how Billy the Madman Marauder lost his head inside the building back in 1862 after a failed jewel heist that left 23 dead, or something along those lines. One of the best ways to reveal history and background is the use of stories-within-stories.

With disbelief in my mind i arrogantly continued crossing Hudson Stream but this time i was unlucky.As i was walking one day on my way to school i heard a deafening hissing sound in the background.I suddenly turned and my eyes were welcomed by an old fierce-looking man who possesed a vulture-beak nose, abnormal ears and a face that ended in a double chin.His face went crimson as he continously stared at me and i got scared. He then forcefully took me to the old unfinished building where he promised to cook me for supper.I became unconsciouss because of fear and shock.

This description is way too brief. As a reader I'm not getting a good sense of the character's feelings at this moment. Because your character falls unconscious before we figure out what happened you need to paint a vivid picture of everything that went on up to that moment. Tell us about the rusty meat hooks swinging slowly back and forth against the cinder block walls, tell us about how the old man's clothes smelled like the ocean, tell us about how the protagonist cried out for her(?) mother before she slipped into the dark recesses of unconsciousness.

Unfortunately i don't remember what happened thereafter but my memory of that night sends a cold chill down my spine.

The ending is too dull and abrupt. One thing you need to keep in mind while writing and revising your stories is that the main characters MUST change by the end of the story. I don't see that here. All we know is that something frightening happened to her (or him), but because we don't know what the character was like before this day there's no way to tell if the character has changed after it.

Another thing to keep in mind for short stories (and long stories for that matter) is this question: "Why does this story deserve to be told?" That is the question you are trying to answer through your writing. What makes this particular event in your character's life important enough to write about? How was your character changed by it? What is at stake?

I'd like to see these questions answered in revision because like I said this is an intriguing topic you've chosen for your story but you've just barely scratched the surface.

Let me know if you have any questions. And keep writing.