Hatred

Hatred is
Red, bloody
Body clenching pain
Inside I feel
Anger
At everyone
At everything
At myself
And I feel out of place
There's no connection
No one's there
And I want to know
What it is that is holding me back
But I'm blind
To everything
And I take it out on others
I hate you
I hate them
I hate him, her, it
It's like I have no choice
You take it away
I take it away
And that's when
I start to slowly
Decide to
Hate
Me

I don't know if I should keep writing on this, I just felt that I should re-write it. What do you think?

amandajo wrote:Hatred
Red, bloody
Deep clenching
Inside
Anger
Thrown in
For a spice
Chicken and rice<b> Random, nice.</b>
No connection
Yet the same
I hate you
I hate them
I hate him, her, it<b>A bit too repetitive. </b>
I hate....<b> Four periods? </b>
Me

Hey I just wanted to try out the first part of my poem. Tell me what you guys think, thanks for the commments.

]
You should post the entire thing so we can see if it all flows togeather and things. Poems can be put togeather like a puzzle but that is a lot harder. One reason being is that it can mess up flow, theme, meter, rhyme and all that other good stuff.
And there's not much to say since this is so small.

As for the ideas of the poem itself, how do you hate yourself? In what ways and what about yourself do you hate? Why do you hate your self? There's nothing here for me to connect with and <b>see</b> what you're saying.
You should try to use more imagery; like similes, metaphors and images / smells / touch. You know, that sensory stuff.

Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.

You should try to use more imagery; like similes, metaphors and images. You know, that sensory stuff and I just want to ask this, how do you hate yourself? And what do you mean by the under line words?

Hatred
Red, bloody
Deep clenching
Inside
Anger
Thrown in
For a spice
Chicken and rice
No connection
Yet the same
I hate you
I hate them
I hate him, her, it,
I hate....
Me


But keep on writing.

Kikialicia31

This poem is all over the place! Is it written in a stream of consciousness style?

At first your describing hatred with minimal words but then you start talking about it like it's a cooking recipe where you could add in chicken and spice. I'm not sure if this is a metaphor or just random. Then afterward you admit that there's no connection, and I'm also left wondering if you're being ironic or random.

At the end you wrap it up with powerful repetition but end up just TELLing us a lot. This has always been something I've had a hard time avoiding because more often than not if you can SHOW things with your poem it takes it to a whole new level.

Either way you've left us hanging with an incomplete poem!!!! I'll be looking forward to seeing the complete piece.

amandajo wrote:Hatred
Red, bloody
Deep clenching
Inside
Anger
Thrown in
For a spice
Chicken and rice
No connection
Yet the same
I hate you
I hate them
I hate him, her, it
I hate....
Me

Hey I just wanted to try out the first part of my poem. Tell me what you guys think, thanks for the commments.

This is a good poem only if you want to humor a person. Try to use more imagery. Not blunt words. It's funny though. I enjoyed reading it 'coz I laughed at the "chicken and rice" part...haha...but there could be a lot of improvement here. As I said, this is a good poem only if you want to humor a person.

Thanks for the posts guys and the reason I really didn't go into detail with this is because well I was in a hurry when I posted it so I just wanted to make like a note of it. Sorry but I'll get the new version on as soon as I can.

this was really good except the chicken and rice didnt fit. it did rhyme but in a poem its more important to make sence and have it all connect then it is to rhyme so next time if you cant rhyme it just make it flow but still make sence

no i was trying to symbolize my life, and the spice thing....i dont know but i know i was trying to get something across maybe how life is like a mixture i'm not sure but sorry i might take that out