Teenager's World (1)

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My face looked back at me in the mirror. I saw my long dirty blond hair sticking at every end and my eyes were slowly closing from tiredness. It was a Friday at least.
I started to brush my teeth and tried to stay awake.
-----
We were sitting at the dinner table eating breakfast.

“Hey, how many lessons do you have?” my brother asked with a mouthful of cereal.

“I think six, you?” I shot a question right back.

“Same,”

I chewed into my ham sandwich and drank some tea.

Jason shook his head causing his blonde hair to fly around.

“Stupid Nat!” he said.

I giggled and continued eating.
Some pieces of cereal fell on the white table making little drop noises.

“What time is it?” I asked my mom.

She looked up at us from her magazine.

“Seven-forty,” she said.

I chugged down the rest of my tea and ran up our maple stairs. I forgot to grab a sweater.
My door was open so I ran in and grabbed my blue Abercrombie sweater—I noticed that my phone was on the floor and I took it.
I tapped down the stairs.

“We gotta go Kam!” my mom said.

I got down stairs and got my backpack. We all put on our shoes. Once I opened the door cold air hit my face making it cooler. We hopped into the Ford Explorer.
I don’t wanna go to school. It’s crazy, stupid, gay, retarded, ect. It’s just not right there.
My mom started to pull out of the parking spot as I looked out the window. I saw all the trees pass us by and people walking on the sidewalk with groceries or drunk still holding their beer bottles. My mom pulled her hair back into a pony tail as she drove.

“Mom can I get out early?” My normal begging routine continued.

“No, you know that learning is important! Just ignore them alright?” she said.

“Fine,” I said unsurely.

My brother was babbling about this Technical Institute that he got into but I ignored him. Going to this school was just torture. As in the twenty-first-century-teenage-torture.
She stopped in front of my school. It took us five minutes to get there. We drove down a flat street then up a hill then down again and up again. It was all in a freaking forest.

“Have fun, love you.” Mom said.

“Love you too mama,” I said.

She knew how much I hated this school but I really had no other choice. We were buying an apartment in the city but it was taking time to do it.
I hopped out of the car waving to my mom and brother.
It wasn’t worth wasting your life being sad because of some losers at your school. I’m not gonna kill myself because of their bragging. I wanna live life and they won’t stop me.
I started to walk toward the school. I saw a couple of students playing soccer outside.

“Hey,” One of my friends Frank said.

“Hey,” I replied.

I walked up the front steps and into the horrible out dated school.
I heard kids screaming and yelling once I stepped in. My ears started to hurt. I walked down the small hallway into the coat room.
Some people were in there hanging their coats up and changing their shoes. Every school in Poland has a policy to change your shoes from outside shoes to clean indoor shoes –the school was dirty anyway. I didn’t have shoes to change into, only the ones I was wearing. So I took off my coat and hung it on my hook. The smell of water filled my nose. I can only guess that this place was flooded before.
I ran out of the room and ran up the cement stairs. It was two minutes until the bell to class would ring. Even though I hated this school I still wanted to be on time to class.
I ran up two more flights of stairs and came right on time to class. My history teacher was just unlocking the door to the classroom.

“Good morning,” I told Mr. Leczynski.

“Good morning to you too Kammie,” he said.

What I would call him is “Taco Smelling Guy,”
I walked into the classroom with ten other classmates. We all sat down in our seats and took out our books for class. The sun was shining in from the five windows that were on the left wall. Since the room was yellow everything just seemed brighter. September was creeping in but it was still hot sometimes as if it were still August.

“Okay class take out your books.” He said.

One of my classmates started to laugh uncontrollably. For no reason was so ever he just started to laugh. I seriously never understand these kids.

“Oh my God!” Henry said.

Henry and his “Pals” were laughing at something at the right of the classroom. They always sit alone in one group. But there were only four girls in the class.

“Henry!” Mr. Leczynski yelled.

“What, I can’t have a laugh?” Henry said.

“You get a reprement Mr. Golowski,” Mr. Leczynski said.

He flipped through our grade book furiously looking for the reprement page.
The boy side cracked up again and so did the girls. Except for me.
Sometimes they laugh at something that completely makes no sense or is just not nice. I’m no goody-goody but what they do is rude. Yes, rude.

“What’s so funny?” I asked Polly.

She was a little on the fat side. To tell you the truth she could lose some weight.

“Oh, you wouldn’t understand.” She said.

I didn’t believe that, but at the same time I did.

“Right,” I said.

Her brown hair flew into my face and I shook my face to block it.
I started to spit hair out of my mouth.
My mind just got out of that topic.
Someone knocked on the door.

“Come in please,” he said.

Our classmate Max came in. The whole class went “Oh man,”
They do this cootie thing. He’s a year older than them (like me) but he got held back. I didn’t since this is Europe their standards are higher so I’m in the right class. I truly don’t know why they do that to him, they just do. Where ever he walks they don’t walk after him.
He’s a really nice guy!

“Hey Max,” I said.

He waved and sat down at the first desk.

“Alright class since Henry stopped goofing around we are ready to start class,” Mr. Leczynski said.

I flipped open my history book. The laughing started up again.
What the heck! Why are they laughing?
The whole class burst into laughter except me and Max.
Our teacher got really mad. He stood from his chair and walked out the door. I was expectring him to bring the fat principal in.
He came back with the principal.

“Henry Golowski, my office now.” Mrs. Polak said.

He got off his chair looking as if he were innocent.

“I didn’t do anything!” Henry said.

I broke out laughing. He didn’t do anything?! That is the best joke he has ever said. The way he’s always interrupting class, making fun of a person; that is so nothing.
Last edited by Nike on Fri Oct 01, 2010 2:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek




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I do have to say that this has potential. The intro paragraph really pulled me in immediately. But, it also has a lot of tuning up to do...

Firstly, I need to urge the use of punctuation. Yeah, you have all your periods in the right places, but the sentences themselves are either run-on or too short most of the time. Adding commas or elaborating on the shorter sentences would fix this immediately. Instead of just stating something, i.e. "Our mother sat next to us.", try saying something along the lines of "Mother looked up at us from her seat beside us." It both gives more description and better voice while getting the same point across.

Next, elaborate more on the things that need elaborating on. We don't necessarily need to know what street they go down to get to the school or that they go up a hill if the car-ride only lasts a few sentences. It's irreverent to what's going on at the moment and is just not needed. Yet, I, as the reader, have no idea if the main character is in middle school, grade school or high school. The locker room scene also has this problem. Why are children changing their shoes? Why are they in a locker room if it's not gym? These things need explaining. The boy laughing in class, too, was confusing. A teacher who called the main character by an affectionate nickname would not be so strict as to give out a referral (or similar punishment) for a kid laughing without proper build-up first. Also, what were they laughing at? I'm assuming they were laughing at the main character because the girl wouldn't tell him what was wrong. The ending, too, was too sudden. it was like you dropped off in the middle of something, or had meant to write more.

Finally, add some voice. Everyone talks in their own special way, or uses different word choices when speaking. Experiment a little, voice is what makes great authors.

Sorry it was harsh, but I tried to make it as constructive as possible.
Hmmm...this snake is called a "Water Moccasin" so in THEORY I should be able to strap them to my feet and cross this river like Jesus?

Hush. Optimus is speaking.

"I get it, the first rule of robot fight club is you don't talk about robot fight club." -Jack, Transformers Prime




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Nitpicks


I got down stairs and got my backpack. We all put on our shoes. Once I opened the door cold air hit my face making it cooler. We hopped into the Ford Explorer from 1994.


Choppy, choppy sentences. Plus, we don't need to know what exact car they have. Just say a car.


What I would call him is “Taco Smelling Guy,” and you wanna know why I named him that? Well, because he just smelled like tacos.


By the name 'Taco Smelling Guy' we automatically assume he smells like tacos


Overall


You had a lot of useless details, (like I pointed out above) Useless details can just make your piece drone on and on.
What you should do is smooth out your paragraphs, get rid of any useless details and add some emotion!
Write on
~WickedWOnder
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*




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Whoooa! Dang girl, cut to the chase!

Right on. First of all, "Teenager's World" is a rock-solid title, no matter what anybody may say. That's a bodacious leap you made, and it pays pays pays, because I clicked the link, didn't I? You bet. Now I'm digging your short paragraphs; that's just what we need in the world these days. Enough with the bloated old men at a wedding party! You've got Michael Jackson slim-jimming his way onto the dance floor, and I couldn't be happier -- ooh, sweet feet, move those tappers!

But here's where it gets tricky. You can't start with someone waking up and eating breakfast. I've seen it attempted many times in the past, and never once does it work. Not unless there's conflict in those opening passages. Conflict is the engine of a story. Without conflict, you're goin' nowhere -- you've got a bunch of boxcars linked together. But you're the conductor, and you know how to rev up the engine on ol' Thomas.

Readers are precious. You know how I know? Because they bother to read those words -- those lovely words that come out of your unique brain. Communication is special -- not retarded special, but good special, like a 20/20 report on the public school system. That's a special worth watching. So you've got this crazy brain, and special communication, and a story you want to tell. Now tell it. You can't dance forever; you MUST MUST MUST get to the point. Once you grab me -- with a hook, an opening line that really pierces the skin -- you can reel me in. I may struggle, but if you do it all gentle-like and confident and smooth-as-silk, baby I'm yours! That's the key.

Keep. The reader's. Attention.

Simple.

Do not neglect the Engine, my friend.

Peace be upon us in these uncertain times.



Once you have read a book you care about, some part of it is always with you.
— Louis L'Amour