Switch (2)

Spoiler

Okay, so here's chapter 2. If anybody wonders about Corbin and such, don't worry, it will all be explained in a later chapter. xD This chapter wasn't as easy for me to write though, for some odd reason... Reviews are greatly appreciated!

The car door slammed loudly, the sound causing Lakisha to flinch. She scampered to the front door, trying not to start panicking. A smile forced itself to her lips and she turned to face Corbin, who was leaning against the truck-cab, grinning like a cat.

Lakisha swallowed and nodded politely “Thank you Corbin,” she said, hoping she sounded more confident than she really felt. Before the baggy-jeaned, black tee-shirted teenager could answer, she had slipped inside and shut the door. The temptation to lock the door behind her for safety measures was ridiculous. Corbin hadn't done anything to her, he was just... odd.

“Who was that?” Marcus asked, appearing in the doorway separating the kitchen from the rest of the two-story house.

Lakisha stared at her older brother for a moment before answering. “Corbin. He was at the recital.”

Mark seemed to have ignored his sister. Either that or he simply hadn't heard her. Rather than answer, he was staring intently out the window, brow furrowed. “Is that bandana on his head red with pink hearts?”

An annoyed, “Ugh,” was the only answer Mark got. Lakisha kicked off her heeled boots and glanced into the kitchen. “Is mom back yet?” she asked flatly, trying to change the subject. She really didn't feel like talking about Corbin at the moment.

“Seriously Laki, why on earth were you riding with him?” Ignored. Again.

“Is. Mom. Back. Yet?”

Mark turned his attention from the window to his sister, who seemed to be fuming. “No. She won't be back for another hour, why?” he asked, eyeing the booty shorts and tube top his sister was wearing. “And what on earth are you wearing? Didn't you just get back from the recital.”

Lakisha pursed her lips and crossed her arms defiantly. “What's wrong with it?” What she didn't mention was that she had completely lied about the time of the receital. It hadn't been hard. All she had to do was make sure her mom avoided the one poster on the bill-board down town and trash all of her newsletters. What she and her friends had done for an hour after the receital was on a need-to-know basis. Marcus didn't need to know.

Mark snorted. “Number one, you hate purple.” He nodded at Lakisha's top. “Number two, you're always complaining about how much you hate your legs. And number three, you were complaining about your friends wearing similar outfits o attract boys what? Three days ago?”

Lakisha sighed, staring resentfully at her brother's blonde hair and hazel eyes. He was wearing a Rough Rider football jersey and what appeared to be blue and green swimming trunks. Somehow, the boy could pull the tacky combination off.

“Does it matter?” she spat, blue eyes narrowing to slits.

Marcus arched an eyebrow. “You come home from a year-end recital wearing clothes you claimed to resent only days prior, in the truck of a guy with a bad taste in bandanas. Uh yeah, I'd say it matters.” He frowned, staring at Lakisha's crossed arms. “Where's your violin?”

Lakisha felt her face pale. Hadn't she brought it in? A glance at the door revealed no green-stained-leather violin case. “It's in Corbin's truck,” she muttered, corners of her lips turning down. How could she have been so stupid? Her mom was doing to kill her!

Her brother drilled her with a disappointed stare before turning and heading back to the kitchen. AC/DC blasted from the radio, forcing a groan from Lakisha. She detested the band. Her brother on the other hand...he was a junky.

It was when Mark started to attempt to sing along that Lakisha decided it was a good idea to retreat to the comfort of her basement bedroom. She paced across the laminate floor to the stairwell, taking the steps two at a time.

She flipped the hallway light on, shivering when her toes touched the cold concrete. Lakisha walked briskly to her bedroom, twisting the door-knob and shoving the door open. Light flooded the room, revealing the started figure of a black-haired boy that could use a trim and startled green eyes.

Lakisha opened her mouth and started to scream, but the boy had made it across the room and had a hand clamped over her mouth before she had time to blink, let alone shriek for Mark to come to her rescue. The door was kicked closed behind them, shutting with a slight click.

Panic. It was her immediate response to what was going on. Her heart was pounding so hard she was sure it would jump out of her throat and into the stranger's hand. The trembling started almost immediately. She wanted out! She needed out. Of course, out didn't seem like an option right now. The thought only increased the trembling.

Her eyes brimmed with tears as a second hand snaked around her waist, pinning her arms firmly to her sides. Her first instinct was to kick, put up a fight, but she was petrified. The shock of a complete stranger standing in your dark bedroom does that to a person.

“Please, for the love of all that is holy, do not scream,” he whispered, removing his hand from Lakisha's mouth.

She swallowed another scream, feeling the hot tears slip down her cheeks. “What...what are you doing he-here?” she managed, voice quavering. This couldn't be happening. She was dreaming, she would wake up any moment now. But...she hadn't fallen asleep. Had she?

There was no answer, only musty material forcing itself into her mouth and being tied tightly behind her head. The tears came quickly then, burning her eyes. There was a soft click and the lights went out again. Lakisha felt a thick material cover her eyes, and she closed them instinctively. Not that it would have done much. She couldn't see anything anyways.

“I swear I'm not planning on hurting you,” the stranger whispered soothingly. “I'm just taking precautions.”

It did nothing to calm her. Precautions against what?! Is what Lakisha wanted to scream. His hand grabbed hers and something slipped onto her index finger. A ring? What on earth was the guy trying to pull here? Something popped, almost like a cork. A hand gripped her shoulder and cold liquid being poured over her fingers. It dripped off, hitting the carpet below the pair.

The squeeze on Lakisha's shoulder tightened. There was a strong wave of dizziness and for a moment she thought she would vomit. Whether it was from her spinning head or the panic, she couldn't tell. It only lasted for that very moment before the ground felt solid under her feet again.

“It's okay sweet-heart,” a melodic, oddly soothing female voice cooed.

Lakisha felt her trembling subside slightly, and the tears almost stopped flowing altogether.

“Honestly Dellan!” The same voice, scolding this time. “A blindfold and gag? Was that really necessary?”

“No... only easier.” The voice had Lakisha trembling again. He had said he wasn't going to hurt her... but what if? What if this was some bizarre abduction? The kind that makes it to the news as the Disappearing Child story that's on ever front page. The disappearing child that never makes it back? The one who's body is never found?

A disbelieving grunt interrupted Lakisha's train of thought. “Get her into her chambers. Make sure she can't see out of any windows, as she's already blindfolded. I'm afraid it'll be too much of a shock for her.”

Too much of a shock? What did they think she was going to see? A concentration camp? Though the thought was sarcastic, it had her heart hammering wildly. Lakisha silently willed somebody to pull off the blindfold anyways and start shouting about how inhumane all of this was.

Of course, nobody did.

Somebody gave her a gentle shove and she stumbled forwards, reaching out for something to grab on to. She found an arm, solid and muscular. She didn't bother to ask who it was, she didn't want to know. All Lakisha could do was walk and fight off the urge to start shrieking into her gag.

I'm glad to see this continue so soon! Though I do have to say I liked the first chapter better, this is still very good. A few technical details need to be handled, though. The spelling of 'Marcuus" is unusual, and I'd personally urge you to use only one 'u', (Marcus) if just to make it more believable. So many characters already have unique names, don't add in any more than you have to.

There is the general confusion of who Corbin is, though you said in the author's note that that point would be explained later, so that can slide.

You describe her coming home in 'booty shorts and a tube top', but if she's just returning home from a fancy violin rehearsal, she would be wearing something more presentable, unless she changed immediately after, which is unlikely. You could add in her saying/thinking that something had happened to her fancy clothes, (maybe spilling something on them? a large, unfortunately placed stain?) causing her to change into whatever she had there at the time, hence her outfit.

The Kidnapping scene takes place too quickly. It could use some more emotion and maybe a glimpse into what she's thinking before she just starts to cry. Build up a bit more before that happens.

I kind of like that both Lakisha and the reader are both left in the dark about what is happening at the end. the mix of confusion and curiosity is a good way to end the chapter.

Again, great work, and I can't wait for the next chapter!

I is BACK.

A smile forced itself to her lips and she turned to face Corbin, who was leaning against the truck-cab, grinning like a cat.

Uhh... okay. Never heard that before. xD

Lakisha swallowed and nodded politely “Thank you, Corbin,” she said, hoping she sounded more confident than she really felt.

Rather than answer, he was staring intently out the window, brow furrowed. “Is that bandana on his head red with pink hearts?”

Cool kid. Clearly.

And number three, you were complaining about your friends wearing similar outfits to attract boys what? Three days ago?”

How dare you make a typo. I'm disgusted. Lol. Jks!!!!!!! Fail...

“It's in Corbin's truck,” she muttered, the corners of her lips turning down.

Light flooded the room, revealing the startled figure of a black-haired boy that could use a trim and startled green eyes.

I think you meant startled... If you did, I'd prefer it if you used a different word because you use that a few words later too.

Lakisha opened her mouth and started to scream, but the boy had made it across the room and had a hand clamped over her mouth before she had time to blink, let alone shriek for Mark to come to her rescue.

This might just be me but... If some random guy was in my room, I wouldn't necessary scream. Just think WTF?! He doesn't look especially weird, does he?

The shock of a complete stranger standing in your dark bedroom did that to a person.

Tenses, Pisha.

She swallowed another scream, feeling the hot tears slip down her cheeks. “What...what are you doing he-here?” she managed, voice quavering. This couldn't be happening. She was dreaming, she would wake up any moment now. But...she hadn't fallen asleep. Had she?

This is kind of edging on a bit melodramatic to me... It sounds like she's dying, not talking to some guy who'd broken into her room... O.o

There was no answer, only musty material forcing itself into her mouth and being tied tightly behind her head.

Didn't she try to get it off or anything?

A hand gripped her shoulder and cold liquid was poured over her fingers.

There was a strong wave of dizziness, and for a moment, she thought she would vomit.

The kind that made it into the news as the Disappearing Child story that was on every front page. The disappearing child that never made it back? The one who's body was never found?

Pisha, Pisha, Pisha... tenses. I can understand why you're doing what you're doing, but yeah. The only time you can use present tense in a past tense novel is in dialogue, thoughts, or something like a letter.

A disbelieving grunt interrupted Lakisha's train of thought. “Get her into the chambers. Make sure she can't see out of any windows, as she's already blindfolded. I'm afraid it'll be too much of a shock for her.”

I doubt she owns the chambers herself, so they're not really her chambers.

She found an arm, solid and muscular. She didn't bother to ask who it was, she didn't want to know.

Pfft, I bet it's Dellan.


Overall
This was soooooooo bad, it made me cry. NOT. Ha, I scared you then, didn't I. I own you, Pisha. I own you. I really need to cut down on my spazness in your reviews... Sorry. I'll shut up and continue properly now. You have permission to scold me. Anyways! This was a very interesting chapter. I like how you're sustaining (Is that the right word...?) the mystery in this novel, that's good. I'm maybe thinking that there might be a bit too much mystery, but I'll explain that later. So far, your characters are interesting and each of them have their own unique personalities from what I can tell. Your grammar, like usual, was really good. Minus the tenses. Honestly though, they weren't that bad. I only found a few errors. Plus, I can see why you're using present tense in the places you are... It's kind of hard to explain...Your spelling was great and so was your vocabulary.

My main critique for this was that during the kidnapping scene, I kind of found a few areas kind of shabby. At times, it was edging on melodramatic, it seemed to be kind of sudden, and I found some of Lakisha's reactions a bit weird. What made some parts seem a bit melodramatic was how she often said how she was crying loads, felt sick e.t.c. I found it rather weird when she went into the room, saw a boy, and automatically wanted to scream. He didn't look especially weird or anything, did he? If it was me in that situation, I would have been like... "Uh, who are you?" I would have been more startled than immediately terrified. I might have even assumed that he was my brother's friend. Plus, by the sound of Corbin, she should be used to creepers... Am I making sense?

Also, when Lakisha was gagged. I got the impression that she just let Dellan gag her. I know you said that she was petrified, so she couldn't move, but that's another sign that it's kind of edging on melodramtic. She hasn't been shot and kicked in the spline or anything, a boy's just appeared in her room. After he's grabbed her, I understand the screaming part. Although, I think the emotions and feelings like confusion and anger would almost overshadow my fear. From experience, when something weird happens suddenly, I'm more confused than terrified, so I don't start crying and screaming. God.. I sound really harsh. I don't mean to or anything. The description itself is good, I just don't feel as though it's 'in the right place and during the right time' if you get what I mean. I've probably really confused you here...

The only other thing I have to mention now is the mystery in this. Don't get me wrong, mystery in a novel is always good. It's just that in this novel so far, I sort of feel that there's a tad bit too much mystery. All of my questions from the previous chapter remain, plus there are more now from this one. I know that you said you'd explain later, but who is Corbin? What was up with that thing about her rehearsal or something? Did she lie to her brother about going? Did she go somewhere else instead, considering she wasn't really dressed for it? Then the questions from the previous chapter... Why is Lakisha being kidnapped in the first place? What's so special about Dellan that he has to kidnap her? What are all of these made up creatures? Yeah... I have a lot of questions. Although questions are good, you need to make sure that they're balanced out and that there aren't too many of them in the reader's head, especially at the beginning of a novel.

I'll shut up now because I'm blabbing... Plus, I sound really aggressive. Even though it may not have come across.. I really do like this novel. The plot is open and I think you can do a lot with it. I'm going to take a guess and say that I think Dellan and Lakisha might get it awwnnnn/get together. It's a bit too early in the novel for me to predict that though. All that you need to do is to revise this and maybe edit it up a bit. You could definitely have a really great chapter here.

Keep writing and sorry for blabbering... again.

xoxo Skins