These Scars

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Tue Sep 28, 2010 2:47 pm

TorturedArtist says... · Tue Sep 28, 2010 2:47 pm

Love is a malicious gift,
Delicious torment,
A toxic kiss.
Love, from whence this poision drips,
Destroys my will,
My will to live.
This burning pain is all I have,
To remind me of what once was mine.
These scars are tokens of what once was,
And what once was meant to be.

For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright,
Who art black as Hell, as dark as night...

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BluesClues

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Points 92255

Reviews 1748

Tue Sep 28, 2010 9:34 pm

BluesClues says... · Tue Sep 28, 2010 9:34 pm

Decent poem, but I think "delicious torment" is a bit of cliche. If possible, maybe try to come up with something not so over-used...

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Jashael

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Points 9100

Reviews 319

Wed Sep 29, 2010 3:40 am

Jashael says... · Wed Sep 29, 2010 3:40 am

TorturedArtist wrote:Love is a malicious gift,
Delicious torment,
A toxic kiss.
Love, from whence this poision drips,
Destroys my will,
My will to live.
This burning pain is all I have,
To remind me of what once was mine.
These scars are tokens of what once was,
And what once was meant to be.

Cool poem...loved the rhythm.

“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen:
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”

—C.S. LEWIS

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sicklee

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Tue Oct 05, 2010 1:36 am

sicklee says... · Tue Oct 05, 2010 1:36 am

I agree with BlueAfrica about the cliche - you use many throughout the poem and I think you could do well to add your own imagery as to what love is. I really like this:

Destroys my will,
My will to live.

Something about its brevity seems very honest to me. Tiny note - you spelled "poison" wrong. Hope this helps!

All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream
-EAP

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KatTrain

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Points 7297

Reviews 156

Tue Oct 05, 2010 3:44 am

KatTrain says... · Tue Oct 05, 2010 3:44 am

TorturedArtist wrote:Love is a malicious gift,
Delicious torment,
A toxic kiss.
Love, from whence this poision drips,
Destroys my will,
My will to live.
This burning pain is all I have,
To remind me of what once was mine.
These scars are tokens of what once was,
And what once was meant to be.

The ending was unsatisfying and didn't have much substance.
You need better words if you're going to include such a simple statement
I Don't usually like the 'oohhh death ooohh gloom' style but this was a nice line for me,
Good word choice but talking about love as 'poison' is over done. The beginning has no real hook.

Keep writing, Kat.

So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra....

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HostofHorus

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Points 1707

Reviews 84

Fri Oct 08, 2010 12:13 am

HostofHorus says... · Fri Oct 08, 2010 12:13 am

Mmmm... I liked the rhythm for the most part, you drifted away from the nice you had in the beginning towards the end. And as it has been stated above, parts did seem rather cliche, particularly this part, for me anyway.

These scars are tokens of what once was,
And what once was meant to be.

I do however disagree with the comments about the first part, I thought it was a great poem to start. My last comment is also directed towards the end.

To remind me of what once was mine.
These scars are tokens of what once was,
And what once was meant to be.

You repeat "once was" and it got a little tiresome to repeat it as I read it. Otherwise, I liked it alright, and I think it has promise. Go back and work on it, that's what all greats do! Hope this helped.

-J.R.S.

HostofHorus Author, Poet, Dreamer, and Expressionist.
http://JRSStories.com
Stories Poems © As of January 1st 2014

Need a review? Feel free to ask me!

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FrankProchazka

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Reviews 4

Sat Oct 09, 2010 9:06 pm

FrankProchazka says... · Sat Oct 09, 2010 9:06 pm

I liked it, the style was enticing and I generally favour poems which are left open to vivid interpretation.

Try and improve your vocabulary.

A first sign of the beginning of understanding is the wish to die.
-Franz Kafka

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Writerchick

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Points 948

Reviews 12

Thu Oct 14, 2010 8:49 am

Writerchick says... · Thu Oct 14, 2010 8:49 am

i don't know much about poetry
but i like this your rhythm was good and flowed nicley .
this is a lot better than anything that i'd be able to come up with , again i suck at poetry so i can't really give you much advice
i've never really heard that cliche before but ok
keep writing dude you have SO much potential
keep it up!

Alex: I didn't set fire to the building.

Ash: No, but you did pull it into the river.

Alex: That put the fire out!

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NeoAnderson

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Points 994

Reviews 14

Thu Oct 14, 2010 11:27 am

NeoAnderson says... · Thu Oct 14, 2010 11:27 am

TorturedArtist wrote:Love is a malicious gift,(a great usage of words)
Delicious torment,(cliche, but still good)
A toxic kiss.(great)
Love, from whence this poision drips,( good line)
Destroys my will,
My will to live.( these three lines are excellent)
This burning pain is all I have,
To remind me of what once was mine.
These scars are tokens of what once was,
And what once was meant to be.

(impeccable)

i really loved this poem!
1. the flow was very good
2.you have used some great words
3.it was very creative
keep writing!

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GhostlyImpressions

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Points 1040

Reviews 23

Thu Oct 14, 2010 11:38 am

GhostlyImpressions says... · Thu Oct 14, 2010 11:38 am

TorturedArtist wrote:Love is a malicious gift,
Delicious torment,
A toxic kiss.
Love, from whence this poision drips,
Destroys my will,
My will to live.
This burning pain is all I have,
To remind me of what once was mine.
These scars are tokens of what once was,
And what once was meant to be.

To be honest, the cliche is really nothing. It doesn't need to be changed because sometimes poetry is filled with cliches, and this one works better with it. I love it.

It's emotive.
It has a wonderful rhythm.
It's open for interpretation, what more could you possibly want?

You really ought to keep writing. I love this.

-GhostlyImpressions.

Ghosts always float through your mind; but they stay longer than necessary. Like my thoughts.

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asweeney1919

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Points 1040

Reviews 18

Thu Oct 14, 2010 10:09 pm

asweeney1919 says... · Thu Oct 14, 2010 10:09 pm

TorturedArtist wrote:Love is a malicious gift,
Delicious torment,
A toxic kiss.
Love, from whence this poision drips,
Destroys my will,
My will to live.
This burning pain is all I have,
To remind me of what once was mine.
These scars are tokens of what once was,
And what once was meant to be.

i love it

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LRA

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Points 1040

Reviews 10

Fri Oct 15, 2010 11:38 am

LRA says... · Fri Oct 15, 2010 11:38 am

"Love is a malicious gift" this is quite wonderful.

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LeonieLacey

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Points 1031

Reviews 6

Sat Oct 16, 2010 8:43 pm

LeonieLacey says... · Sat Oct 16, 2010 8:43 pm

Really nice poem...very unique and original.

The worst feeling you'll ever feel,
is sitting next to the person who means the world to you,
knowing that you mean nothing to them--Unknown

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DannielleLovesong

Gender

Points 1199

Reviews 17

Sun Oct 17, 2010 2:41 am

DannielleLovesong says... · Sun Oct 17, 2010 2:41 am

This was a really nice poem. It was simple and sweet to the point. You did a good job.

Keep writing.

~Dannielle~

"If you don't see a door, make a door. If you can't make a door, make a window." --Alondra de la Perra
"Don't change the music, let the music change you." --Brittany Bearden

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Matthews

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Points 4870

Reviews 145

Tue Oct 19, 2010 1:52 am

Matthews says... · Tue Oct 19, 2010 1:52 am

Ooh, I really liked it! Catchy, yet easy to understand. Fun, but not boring.

Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed, for the lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

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