Story of a Teenage Theif

It was so tempting. There it was, sitting on the table with no one around it. The most beautiful diamond necklace he had ever seen. What was stopping him? Why couldn't he take it? He was Bonehead, the biggest juvenile crook out there. He had stolen many other things in his life, but this necklace seemed to be different. There was something about the situation that stumped him. The necklace, the shiny, glimmering necklace would be a Christmas present for his girlfriend. They had been together for several months now. It seemed that each time he got her a present, they got more expensive.
The first present he ever got her was for their one month anniversary. It was a beaded bracelet he got out of a gumball machine. The machine had run out of gumballs and had been filled up with bracelets. It was the easiest present to get; all he had to do was give up a quarter. The next gift he got her, for their two month anniversary, was a night out on the town. His friend hi-jacked a limo and drove Bonehead and his girlfriend around town. He took her to a fancy restaurant for a dinner that one of his friends paid for. After that came her birthday. This time, Bonehead went all out. One of his friends started a fight outside a perfume store. Bonehead told the clerk he wanted to buy one of the $300 perfumes locked away in a glass case. The clerk got out the keys and then saw the fight outside. He cursed under his breath and stormed outside, leaving the keys behind. Bonehead unlocked the glass case and stole three bottles of different smelling perfume. He then snuck out the back door. By the time the store clerk got back, he had no idea what had happened. Bonehead had left everything just the way it was.
"Would you like something sir?" the clerk asked Bonehead. Bonehead cursed under his breath. It was to late now, the clerk had returned. He had lost his one chance. Slowly and sadly, he shook his head.
"Then get out of my store kid!" the clerk yelled. Bonehead reluctantly left feeling depressed. He had lost his one chance to get a great present for his girlfriend. He didn't have any money, not even one cent. That was the real reason he started stealing. He didn't like it at first, but after a while, he got used to it. Now it was as easy as repeating his time tables. No one could get in his way. No one, that is, except for the principal at school.
Principal Carl was one of those principals who like to know everything that goes on in your life. Ever since Bonehead had stepped foot in the school his freshman year, Principal Carl had kept a close eye on him. Carl believed that Bonehead was turning down the wrong path, but he never told him this. This made Bonehead really angry. He didn't like Principal Carl one bit. If there was one person who could ruin Bonehead's "operations", it would be Principal Carl. Of course, no one at Oakview High School knew he was Bonehead. That would be too obvious. He went by Jake at school. He had a secret life no one but his friends knew about.
Luckily for Bonehead, Principal Carl was getting transferred to another school that day. It would be Principal Carl's last day at Oakenview High School and Bonehead was missing out on it. He had gotten up in the morning and decided he didn't want to go to school today. So he's spent the whole day looking for a present for his girlfriend.
As Bonehead was walking the streets, he was wondering where he was going to go next. He didn't want to go back home. As a matter of fact, Bonehead rarely went home. He'd come home around 11 o'clock each night just to go to sleep. He would then wake up super early, before school started, and wander the town.
His favorite place to go was the bar downtown. Surprisingly enough, Bonehead doesn't drink, but he still goes to the bar. The bar was like his get away. He used to just sot in a corner and do nothing, but then he became friends with the bar tender. The bartender, Tom, had once been friends with Bonehead's dad. Now, he's teaming up with Bonehead to try and get Bonehead's dad arrested. Bonehead's dad, who likes to be called Mr. Smith, has also been on the run from the law for quite a while. Bonehead and Tom have been planning for at least a year, but haven't acted yet.
Today, Bonehead decides to go to bar and see Tom. He's walking down the road and decides that he will go back to the store later and get the necklace. He turned a corner and started walking down an alley. He stopped about halfway down, looked to see that the coast was clear, and then pressed a button on the wall.
"What?" came a voice from an intercom.
"Bonehead." Bonehead replied. Seconds later, the wall opened and Bonehead walked through it.
The lights in the bar were dim and the room as full of smoke. Bonehead had gotten used to everyone smoking, but never did himself. He used to choke on the smoke and his eyes would water, but now he just walks right through it. People would scream out his name as he walked by, but he kept walking. He got to the bar and sat down. Tom came over and brought him a soda.
"So, Bonehead, are we a go?" Tom asked. Bonehead shook his head.
"Not now Tom," he replied, "I'm havin' problems of my own."
"What did ya get for your girlfriend?" Tom asked.
"That's just the thing," Bonehead replied, slamming his cup on the table, "I went to the jewelers on 5th avenue and there was this beautiful diamond heart necklace. It was $750, which you know I don't have."
"So, where is this beauty?"
"I...don't have it."
"Do my ears deceive me!?" Tom asked, "Bonehead, the most wanted juvenile criminal, didn't get away with a diamond necklace?" Bonehead shook his head. Tom sighed. "You're losin' it man." He said. Tom walked to the other side of the bar to take an order.
Bonehead thought about what Tom had said. Was he losing it? Had that been why he couldn't take the necklace? As he was thinking, his cell phone rang. After looking at who it was, he picked it up.
"Hey honey, what's shakin'?"
"What's shakin'!? Is that all you can say!? Why weren't you at school today? Huh?"
Bonehead coughed. "I was sick Liz. Sorry I couldn't see you today.
"Oh, that's okay. I hope you're feeling better." She paused. "What's all that noise Jake?"
"It's just the TV. My dad's watchin' some reality show." he pulls the phone away from his face, "TURN THE TV OFF DAD!!" he screamed. "He said he would. Sorry about that. So, how was Spanish today?"
"Oh, we learned some new vocabulary today like...robo, theif, coche, diamantes, oro, collar, dinero, cárcel, policía, camión, furgoneta, esposas, and many more words."
"What do they mean?" Bonehead asked, already having a good idea of what they meant.
"Oh, stuff like gold, money, theif, steal, police, jail, car, van, you know, pretty much everything having to do with a criminal."
Bonehead swallowed. That was exactly what he didn't want to hear.
"We were talking about criminals today," Liz continued, "we were discussing how stupid some people can be. You know what I mean? I mean, come on. If you don't have enough money for it, don't buy it!"
"I know whatcha mean Liz. Some people are real idiots."
"I know. Well, I got to go. I, I mean we, have a huge test in Calculus tomorrow. Any chance you'll be in school tomorrow?"
"None. Sorry, I think I might have strep."
"Well, I hope you feel better. Love you."
"Love you too." Bonehead hung up the phone. Just a he did, three girls came over to the bar and sat down. They were wearing low cut, short short dresses. They ordered their drinks and started talking. Bonehead looked at them, rolled his eyes, got up, and moved to a booth. One of the girl noticed he left and went to sit with him.
'Great,' Bonehead thought, 'just what I need. Some crazy guy lovin' girls coming to sit with me.' he continued sipping his soda and didn't even look up when the girl sat down. He was wondering to himself how long the girl would sit here before talking to him. They sat in silence for what seemed like ages until the girl spoke up.
"Hi!" she said in a ditsy, obnoxiously high voice. Bonehead slowly raised up his head.
"Hey.' he replied.
"So, whatcha doin' here all by your lonesome? Huh?"
"Nuthin'."
The girl obviously was not liking the one word answers Bonehead was giving.
"Oh, well, do ya wanna dance with my friend over there?"
"No."
"Well, do ya wanna dance with me?"
"No."
"Why not!?"
This girl was really starting to get on Bonehead's nerves.
"'Cause I have a girlfriend."
"Oh, she'll never find out! What's your name?"
"I'm leaving." Bonehead started to get up, but just then, the two other girls came over and scooted into the empty seats. Bonehead was ready to explode.
"Hi ya!" the girl sitting next to him said.
"You're really hot." the other girl said.
"You look really strong. Do you work out?"
"Yes. Now would you three not mind letting me go?"
The girl sitting across from him said, "Can you stay, please? We're lonely!"
"No, that's okay, go find some other, single guy." Bonehead moved to get up again, but the girl sitting next to him pulled him back down. She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him. This really made Bonehead mad. He tried to push the girl off him, but she was too strong. Then he felt something wrap around his wrist. It was cold and pierced his skin. The girl finally got off him, but when he went to get up, he found himself handcuffed to the table.
"Hey!" he yelled at the girls. The one who was sitting across from him smiled.
"We know who you are Bonehead. We're lookin' to get the reward money. There's a good $15,000 fine on you right now and we intend to have it."
"Yeah," said the girl who had kissed him, "by the way, you're lips are really soft." She stood up. "I'll go get the sheriff. You too stay here and make sure he don't escape. Okay?" The other two girls nodded.
Bonehead couldn't believe it. This was the end. He'd spend a life time in jail, never see his girlfriend again, and his father would get off. All because of some stupid girls. Why couldn't I have just left? I could've had the necklace and been a free man if I hadn't have been so stupid! As Bonehead was sitting there feeling sorry for himself, he thought of something.
"TOM!!!!" he yelled at the top of his lungs.
"Hey," the girl across from him said, "what are you doin'?"
Bonehead smiled and didn't say anything. A couple seconds later, Tom showed up.
"What's up Bonehead?" then he saw the girls sitting with him, "And...why are you hangin' out with these girls?"
"Long story Tom. I just have something to ask you."
"Anything."
"Could you get me out of these handcuffs?" Tom froze. He looked at the girls, then at Bonehead.
"Ohh," he said finally, "girls, out. NOW!" the girls got up and ran out of the bar. Tom sat down next to Bonehead, pulled out a key and unlocked the handcuffs.
"You had the key!?" Bonehead asked. Tom nodded.
"Yeah. Those girls came up to me and asked me if I had a pair of handcuffs. I said yeah, but what do you want um for. They wouldn't tell me, so I figured I would keep the key in case they found out who you were. Boy was I right." As soon as Tom unlocked Bonehead's wrist from the table, he bolted up and started towards the door.
"Hey, where you goin'?" Tom yelled after him. Bonehead didn't stop. All Tom heard before Bonehead left was, "the necklace."
Bonehead was running faster than he ever had before. He sprinted all the way to the jewelers. When he got there, he was out of breath. He leaned against the door, and then realized it was shut. He looked on the door and saw a sign that said, "Closed for dinner break." Bonehead cursed under his breath. That was when he saw the keys in the door.
'This guys an idiot!' Bonehead thought. He turned the key and entered the store. There it was, on the revolving stand, the diamond necklace. This time it was just too easy. Without even thinking, he took the necklace off the stand, walked out of the store and locked the door.
He stopped around the corner, called Liz, and told her to meet him in the alley being his house. Bonehead felt good. He was going to get the girl of his dreams, he had just gotten away from the biggest robbery of his life, and the pesky girls were gone. At least, that's what he thought. Later that night, Bonehead leaned against the wall in front of the bar, waiting for Liz to show up. The necklace was in his pocket and the world was at harmony. That is, until someone else showed up.
"Hey Bonehead." Bonehead whipped around. Standing next to him was the girl who kissed him at the bar.
"What are you doing here!?" he asked.
"Right back at you."
"I happen to be waiting for the girl of my dreams."
"Well, I guess your wait is over." the girl said as she leaned into Bonehead. He trapped once again.
"I meant my girlfriend." he replied.
"Oh, Bonehead, let's not move too quickly now." The girl was so close now that Bonehead could smell the beer on her lips. He saw the yellow of her teeth and could feel the silk on her dress. Bonehead had not wanted this at first, but now he was enjoying it. Liz never kissed him like that girl did. Liz never wore such a pretty dress as this girl did. This time when the girl kissed him, he kissed back. He didn't even feel guilty for doing this.
'Liz will never find out,' he thought to himself, 'just this one time, then I will never see her again.' This made him feel better. The girl pulled away and smiled at him. He smiled back. She looked down the alley and smiled slyly. Before Bonehead could see what she was looking at, they were kissing again. They only stopped kissing when Bonehead heard a familiar voice.
"Jake?" the voice was soft and shaky.
"Liz? What are you doing here?"
"Jake?" the girl said, "Who's Jake?"
"My boyfriend, who you seem to be kissing right now." Liz stayed where she was, at the end of the alley.
"Oh really, 'cause I thought I was kissing the great Bonehead." Liz gasped and Bonehead tried to jerk out of the girls grip, but it was to strong.
"Liz," he started, but she cut him off.
"No, Jake, I've heard enough of your lies already. Our whole relationship has been a lie. Do you know how much this hurts? It's a good thing that it's over now because you probably would've killed me in my sleep one night." Bonehead tried to protest, but Liz had made up her mind. "There's no way you can get me back Jake, we're through." With that last statement, Liz was out of his life forever.
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Bonehead had a terrible life after this incident. He dated the girl for a couple of years after this. He broke up with her after he realized she was only dating him in order to get the stuff he stole. Tom and Bonehead eventually got Mr. Smith arrested. It turns out that Principal Carl left Oakview High to become a police officer. He made the arrest and apologized to Bonehead for not doing something about his dad. Tom kept the bar open and Bonehead stopped by a couple of times.
I would like to say Bonehead turned his life around and stopped stealing, but he didn't. The police never caught him and he stayed atop the wanted list for the rest of his life. He died at an old age of 96. He had no children, never got married, and never got a job.

This thing is as big as Mount Everest! I'm gonna have to pull on my hiking boots if I'm to start reviewing. Also, just cause you're the first person, nice setting out! This is just how the chapters on YWS should appear. OMG! This story is really good, I mean c'mon! Are you a robot or something? Set to writing perfect stories? As a reviewer though I must point out what I thought could be changed. Your tense work often throws the story out of the balance.

His favorite place to go was the bar downtown. Surprisingly enough, Bonehead doesn't drink, but he still goes to the bar.

This sentence is a great example. Underlined is the sentence that destroys it all. I reccomend changing it into something in past tense though not as if you're telling the story to us instead of showing. That was the one large problem this and that was about it; you telling the story instead of showing. It was only one, but it is a big problem. It makes the writer think that somehow - and I don't know how - stupid, as my English teacher said.

My reccomendation, read this over aloud and pinpoint where you see the problems, then pounce! Grab it likes it a crocidiles neck and wrestle it to the floor until you're in control. I do it all the time!

He used to just sot sit in a corner and do nothing, but then he became friends with the bar tender.

I believe that is supposed to be an 'I' in here instead of an 'O'.

'Great,' Bonehead thought, 'Just what I need. Some crazy guy lovin' girls coming to sit with me.'

Always in quotations there must be a capital letter for the first world no matter what the purpose/transaction (cannot think of the right word, sorry). But anyway, it's just a must do!

Bonehead couldn't believe it. This was the end. He'd spend a life time in jail, never see his girlfriend again, and his father would get off. All because of some stupid girls. Why couldn't I have just left? I could've had the necklace and been a free man if I hadn't have been so stupid! As Bonehead was sitting there feeling sorry for himself, he thought of something.

Alright this kind of sounds like you couldn't think of anything or were to impatient to wait and had to quickly get into the story, a problem I always have. This needs lengthening. Try adding length to the part bolded it will help straighten things out. I cannot wait for the rest of this to come out!

It's very good. Another thing I would reccomend is making your guy character a little bit more guyish. You're making him to loyal and at a young age that is very hard. All he seems to talk about is his girlfriend and that is sweet and all but this story doesn't seem to be a love story. Find another thing and hit on that, it make it a lot easier for the reader to understand what genre you're falling under with this.

I liked practically every aspect of this, continue the great work. Also, PM me when you have the next one up! I want to keep reading.

~Apple.

Reviewing time

Well it was kind of like a mount Fuji but that's just me.
I read this at 6 AM so please don't bother me about this right now. My eyes hurt very much.
The story was interesting, it caught me on just by the title since I do love stories about thieves and all that.
Did you spell "theif" wrong? lol. I thought it was thief xP
I won't nit-pick cause I don't feel like it and that there's really nothing to nit-pick for me.
Details for this are good. I can actually imagine myself seeing through his whole life.
The ending was sad, but it's a regular ending, really.
Overall - This was a great story and I'm hoping you fix that title cause it kind of bothering me.

Au Revoir! ~Zoe

Fix the title, it's a really incredibly long story but it is rather interesting. It's too long for me to review, because I'd have to read it twice and I don't think I can do that. Anyway, well done and KEEP WRITING!

TIGERSPRITE

So first of all I want you to ignore all the complaints in the posts above me about people whining about the length of the story. Nothing annoys me more than people saying they couldn't read something simply because it was too long, especially on a website dedicated to writing. There's no such thin as a great writer who isn't also a great reader. Remember that and don't try to make your work shorter just to appeal to readers, your work is going to be as long as it needs to be.

And honestly as far as short stories go this one isn't even that long. It's less than 3000 words I think, at 12 point font, double spaced, that comes to about 10 pages give or take. Seriously guys, grow up.

That being said I think the reason that this story is so short is because there is a substantial lack of description

Noelle wrote:It was so tempting. There it was, sitting on the table with no one around it. The most beautiful diamond necklace he had ever seen. What was stopping him? Why couldn't he take it? He was Bonehead, the biggest juvenile crook out there. He had stolen many other things in his life, but this necklace seemed to be different. There was something about the situation that stumped him. The necklace, the shiny, glimmering necklace would be a Christmas present for his girlfriend. They had been together for several months now. It seemed that each time he got her a present, they got more expensive.
The first present he ever got her was for their one month anniversary. It was a beaded bracelet he got out of a gumball machine. The machine had run out of gumballs and had been filled up with bracelets. It was the easiest present to get; all he had to do was give up a quarter. The next gift he got her, for their two month anniversary, was a night out on the town. His friend hi-jacked a limo and drove Bonehead and his girlfriend around town. He took her to a fancy restaurant for a dinner that one of his friends paid for. After that came her birthday. This time, Bonehead went all out. One of his friends started a fight outside a perfume store. Bonehead told the clerk he wanted to buy one of the $300 perfumes locked away in a glass case. The clerk got out the keys and then saw the fight outside. He cursed under his breath and stormed outside, leaving the keys behind. Bonehead unlocked the glass case and stole three bottles of different smelling perfume. He then snuck out the back door. By the time the store clerk got back, he had no idea what had happened. Bonehead had left everything just the way it was.

I like that you used a story within a story to reveal Bonehead's background, that is a technique skilled writers often employ in their work. The problem I'm having is that after all this back story we still don't have a very good description of Bonehead as a character. As readers it is crucial that we know how old Bonehead is and what he looks like within the first few paragraphs of the story.

When giving advice on short story writing Kurt Vonnegut mentioned that you should give your readers as much info as possible about the characters as soon as possible. "To hell with the suspense," says Vonnegut, "Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages."

Keep that in mind because it has a substantial effect on the rest of the story.

"Would you like something sir?" the clerk asked Bonehead. Bonehead cursed under his breath. It was to late now, the clerk had returned. He had lost his one chance. Slowly and sadly, he shook his head. "Then get out of my store kid!" the clerk yelled.

This piece of dialogue seemed entirely unbelievable as did a lot of the dialogue in this story. But like I said that could easily be fixed if you tell us what Bonehead looks like early on. Is Bonehead a dirty or shifty looking character? Would that explain why the clerk said that? We may never know.

Bonehead reluctantly left feeling depressed. He had lost his one chance to get a great present for his girlfriend. He didn't have any money, not even one cent. That was the real reason he started stealing. He didn't like it at first, but after a while, he got used to it. Now it was as easy as repeating his time tables. No one could get in his way. No one, that is, except for the principal at school.
Principal Carl was one of those principals who like to know everything that goes on in your life. Ever since Bonehead had stepped foot in the school his freshman year, Principal Carl had kept a close eye on him. Carl believed that Bonehead was turning down the wrong path, but he never told him this. This made Bonehead really angry. He didn't like Principal Carl one bit. If there was one person who could ruin Bonehead's "operations", it would be Principal Carl. Of course, no one at Oakview High School knew he was Bonehead. That would be too obvious. He went by Jake at school. He had a secret life no one but his friends knew about.

There is a big issue of showing versus telling going on here that detracts from the story. Don't tell us that Bonehead was depressed, describe him hanging his head in shame. Don't tell us that Principal Carl likes to pry into people's lives, show him stopping Bonehead in the hallway and having him empty his pockets. Actions are a incredibly more effective at revealing character than just telling us what they're like.

Luckily for Bonehead, Principal Carl was getting transferred to another school that day. It would be Principal Carl's last day at Oakenview High School and Bonehead was missing out on it. He had gotten up in the morning and decided he didn't want to go to school today. So he's spent the whole day looking for a present for his girlfriend.

You had a great opportunity for building tension between Bonehead and Principal Carl and you just got rid of it. This makes me wonder if it was necessary to even mention the Principal in the first place.

His favorite place to go was the bar downtown. Surprisingly enough, Bonehead doesn't drink, but he still goes to the bar. The bar was like his get away. He used to just sot in a corner and do nothing, but then he became friends with the bar tender.

Okay this is another place where some more description would really help the story out. I don't know what country this is taking place in but where I'm from you can't even get into a bar without two forms of ID. Does Bonehead look like he's about 7 years older than he really is? Is the bartender ridiculously nearsighted, or does he simply not care if his liquor license gets revoked? You need to explain this and perhaps do some more research.

The bartender, Tom, had once been friends with Bonehead's dad. Now, he's teaming up with Bonehead to try and get Bonehead's dad arrested. Bonehead's dad, who likes to be called Mr. Smith, has also been on the run from the law for quite a while. Bonehead and Tom have been planning for at least a year, but haven't acted yet.

Why would the bartender want to get Bonehead's dad arrested, in fact why would Bonehead want to get his dad arrested. You need to mention Bonehead's relationship with his father away because this bit of information caught me completely by surprise and not in a good way.

"Oh, we learned some new vocabulary today like...robo, theif, coche, diamantes, oro, collar, dinero, cárcel, policía, camión, furgoneta, esposas, and many more words."
"What do they mean?" Bonehead asked, already having a good idea of what they meant.
"Oh, stuff like gold, money, theif, steal, police, jail, car, van, you know, pretty much everything having to do with a criminal."

Your dialogue needs some fine tuning. I replacing some of the direct quotes with something called "indirect dialogue" or "summary dialogue." Writing realistic sounding dialogue is tricky but the best way to do it is to save the direct quotations for the most important things your characters say. This can also solve the problem of tediously putting dialogue tags next to everything your characters say.

Just a he did, three girls came over to the bar and sat down. They were wearing low cut, short short dresses. They ordered their drinks and started talking. Bonehead looked at them, rolled his eyes, got up, and moved to a booth. One of the girl noticed he left and went to sit with him.
'Great,' Bonehead thought, 'just what I need. Some crazy guy lovin' girls coming to sit with me.' he continued sipping his soda and didn't even look up when the girl sat down. He was wondering to himself how long the girl would sit here before talking to him. They sat in silence for what seemed like ages until the girl spoke up.

Again let me reiterate how incredibly difficult it is for me to believe this is really happening. Aside from the fact that a high school age kid probably wouldn't even be allowed inside a bar I find it difficult to believe that someone who actually is old enough to drink without committing a crime would be hitting on someone who is obviously a minor (He's still a high school freshman at this point, right?) A 21 year old girl hitting on a 14 year old boy seems kinda creepy to me, but maybe you could use that to build tension.

"Hi ya!" the girl sitting next to him said.
"You're really hot." the other girl said.
"You look really strong. Do you work out?"
"Yes. Now would you three not mind letting me go?"
The girl sitting across from him said, "Can you stay, please? We're lonely!"

eeeewwww. Someone call Chris Hanson we've got a pack of cradle robbers on the loose. Seriously though, the key to great writing is subtlety. There are more believable (and perhaps more funny) ways to show the reader that these women find Bonehead attractive. Use your imagination.

"No, that's okay, go find some other, single guy." Bonehead moved to get up again, but the girl sitting next to him pulled him back down. She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him. This really made Bonehead mad. He tried to push the girl off him, but she was too strong. Then he felt something wrap around his wrist. It was cold and pierced his skin. The girl finally got off him, but when he went to get up, he found himself handcuffed to the table.
"Hey!" he yelled at the girls. The one who was sitting across from him smiled.
"We know who you are Bonehead. We're lookin' to get the reward money. There's a good $15,000 fine on you right now and we intend to have it."

So they're bounty hunter are they? Points for creativity, I don't think I've read a story with female bounty hunters before. Intriguing.

"Yeah," said the girl who had kissed him, "by the way, you're lips are really soft."

Oh come on.

"Yeah. Those girls came up to me and asked me if I had a pair of handcuffs. I said yeah, but what do you want um for. They wouldn't tell me, so I figured I would keep the key in case they found out who you were.

Yeah most of the bartenders I know always keep a pair of cuffs next to the tap. You never know when they might come in handy. lol.

Okay but to be serious I'd be willing to accept that the girls were bounty hunters, or even undercover policewomen with a leaning towards pedophilia, however unlikely and disturbing that is to think about. But I'm not buying the idea that these girls just happened to walk into a bar and say to themselves "Oh my god, that's totally that famous robber guy, we should like totally arrest him." and then just ask for a pair of handcuffs from a bartender who conveniently always keeps a pair nearby. You really need to rethink this part.

Bonehead was running faster than he ever had before. He sprinted all the way to the jewelers. When he got there, he was out of breath. He leaned against the door, and then realized it was shut. He looked on the door and saw a sign that said, "Closed for dinner break." Bonehead cursed under his breath. That was when he saw the keys in the door.
'This guys an idiot!' Bonehead thought. He turned the key and entered the store. There it was, on the revolving stand, the diamond necklace. This time it was just too easy. Without even thinking, he took the necklace off the stand, walked out of the store and locked the door.

Look up the phrase "Deus Ex Machina" Please. You keep suggesting that Bonehead is an incredibly skilled, highly meticulous and intelligent career criminal, but you're not showing us that. So far it seems that Bonehead is nothing more than a kid who keeps ending up in the right place at the incredibly right time. As a reader I want to see Bonehead putting his skills to use by creating some elaborate plan for pulling off a heist.

"Oh, Bonehead, let's not move too quickly now." The girl was so close now that Bonehead could smell the beer on her lips. He saw the yellow of her teeth and could feel the silk on her dress. Bonehead had not wanted this at first, but now he was enjoying it. Liz never kissed him like that girl did. Liz never wore such a pretty dress as this girl did. This time when the girl kissed him, he kissed back. He didn't even feel guilty for doing this.

I'd be willing to accept this if you had Bonehead showing some attraction for this woman earlier on, which you don't.

"No, Jake, I've heard enough of your lies already. Our whole relationship has been a lie. Do you know how much this hurts? It's a good thing that it's over now because you probably would've killed me in my sleep one night." Bonehead tried to protest, but Liz had made up her mind. "There's no way you can get me back Jake, we're through." With that last statement, Liz was out of his life forever.

There was another bad case of deus ex machina right here. Also, I'm not buying this breakup scene. For one you never really gave us much detail about the relationship between Bonehead and Liz. All you told us was that he loved her enough to commit grand larceny from time to time. Which only makes it even less likely that he'd be willing to cheat on her, especially with a woman who only hours ago attempted to turn him in for reward money.

Also yellow teeth alone would be enough of a turn off for most normal guys, regardless of whether they were in a relationship or not. But maybe yellow teeth is just a fetish for Bonehead, who knows? You do, that's who. So tell us.

It turns out that Principal Carl left Oakview High to become a police officer. He made the arrest and apologized to Bonehead for not doing something about his dad.

Was Bonehead's father abusing him? You seem to be hinting at it but you never actually come out and say it. If Mr. Smith was abusive it would certainly make Bonehead a much more sympathetic character.

I would like to say Bonehead turned his life around and stopped stealing, but he didn't. The police never caught him and he stayed atop the wanted list for the rest of his life. He died at an old age of 96. He had no children, never got married, and never got a job.

Endings, endings endings. They're difficult to do, but some of the best endings in my opinion are those which end with an image. Don't summarize at the end, give us a specific scene, bit of dialogue, or action.

All in all, I think this story needs a lot of work. Make sure you've done the research before you write about a specific topic and don't be afraid to go into detail. I couldn't tell if this story was an attempt at a parody or if it was supposed to be taken seriously because you use so little description. As satire this story has the potential to be very funny, but as drama it comes dangerously close to becoming what we call a "bathos story." The character starts off in a bad situation and ends up in a worse situation (which isn't uncommon in fiction) but the hardships he endures are so unbelievably exaggerated that they run the risk of being unintentionally funny.

I have more suggestions for fixing this story but I'm afraid I'm going to flood this thread with text so just send me a pm if you want any more advice.

Keep writing.

Thanks for all the reviews. This was a story form a while ago and I just wanted to see what people would say about it. As for the title, I reallt couldn't come up with a title. If you have any suggestions that would be great.

I'm not here to do a full review, as I haven't really had the time to do that in weeks (BadNarrator appears to have done a splendid job in that already, anyway.) But I was glancing through and saw this and felt it was my duty to stand up for what's right.

'Great,' Bonehead thought, 'Just what I need. Some crazy guy lovin' girls coming to sit with me.'

Always in quotations there must be a capital letter for the first world no matter what the purpose/transaction (cannot think of the right word, sorry). But anyway, it's just a must do!

I do not believe such a rule exists. It's perfectly fine to have a single sentence of dialogue interrupted by the narration like:

"We going to the castle," he said resolutely, "to get back my ham sandwich!"

An alternative to what you wrote is:

"Great," Bonehead thought. "Just what I need."

Note the period after thought. In THAT case, you get a capital "Just" which must be what Apple thought. Or she may have thought you said:

Bonehead thought, "Just what I need."

There are a lot of subtle differences, but they all basically follow the same rule or two. Just putting that out there so you don't get confused in the future!