Rosewood (working title)

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A test:

The boy knew he had to keep it out of sight or else something bad might happen. Jonah had found it wandering through woods behind the white people’s houses one day after school. It was silly stubborn little thing. Nothing could be done to train it, it nipped at the boy’s heels whenever he walked away, and every time he left it alone it would whine and whine. But it had the bluest eyes the boy had ever seen. Its fur was like snow, short and soft.
The boy kept it hidden in an old tool shed that had been forgotten long ago deep in the thicket of trees and bushes, just out of view of the white people’s houses. The roof of the shed was caved in near the corner and there was green velvety moss on the shingles and on the door panels. It ate everything the boy ate. Every morning on his way to school Jonah would cut through the woods and stop by the shed to feed it some of his lunch. He would stop at the drug store to buy a sandwich and give half to it on his way back home. Whenever he opened the door it would stare at him lovingly with those deep blue eyes.
The boy couldn’t resist showing it to his younger sister. He knew Madeline would love its soft white fur and the prickly feeling of its tongue when it licked her hands. The newspaper said that there would be rain that afternoon. The sky was covered with a blanket of clouds. Madeline carried her collapsible pink umbrella with her as they walked down the narrow path through the woods behind the white people’s houses. It was attached to her wrist by a little pink strap. She was balancing the umbrella on the tips of her fingers as they walked.
“Why are you doing that?” asked the boy as he held back a low hanging branch so his sister could pass.
“We’re all doing it,” she said, her eyes never straying from the umbrella, “we’re all balancing an umbrella.”
Jonah asked his sister when exactly people balanced their umbrellas and Madeline replied that it was every moment of every day. “No matter how good we are at balancing our umbrellas they will eventually fall. And when they do…”
She dropped the umbrella.
“…we just pick them back up…”
She picked the umbrella back up.
“…and start all over again.”
“And then what?” Jonah asked.
“Not sure,” said Madeline, “I suppose that one day I’ll die and the umbrella will be destroyed. And after that…I don’t know. Maybe nothing, maybe someone else will come along to take my place and balance umbrellas of their own.”
“Then what’s the point?” asked Jonah.
“I don’t know,” said Madeline, “maybe there isn’t one. Maybe it doesn’t matter what happens after the umbrella falls. Maybe all that matters is the act of balancing.”
“You’re a silly girl,” said the boy.
“I know.”
They reached the old shed. A little bit of light was shining down from the gray sky through the treetops. The breeze shook the thousands of leaves making them roar softly like rushing water. The girl asked her brother if this was the place. The boy answered in the affirmative but told her to wait outside. “It can be kind of shy sometimes.”
The hinges made their usual rusty creaking noise when the boy opened the door, but the sound of pitiful whining which usually followed could not be heard over the rustling of the leaves overhead. The boy stepped through the threshold and his heart sank. All across the floor and walls was blood and white fur. The rusted tools on the workbench were wet. Jonah found its body lying in the corner, its blue eyes staring at the leaves through the hole in the ceiling. There was a note written on a little piece of paper tied around its severed neck which read, “We don’t want these sorts of things in our neighborhood.”
The boy stepped outside the shed. His sister was standing in the clearing balancing the umbrella on her fingertips.
“Where is it?” she asked never taking her eyes off the pink umbrella.
“It must have run away,” said the boy.
“Well let’s go find it.”
“It’s going to rain soon,” said the boy, “why don’t you go home and I’ll go look for it.”
The girl dropped her umbrella. When she picked it back up she studied her brother’s expression. He was rubbing his left arm nervously and his eyes were red. She asked Jonah if he was sure, he told his sister that he was. She stared at him for a moment while the breeze picked up rustling the leaves some more and blowing strands of her own hair in front of her dark eyes. A dull clap of thunder roared in from the east like the painful moans of a great wounded behemoth from beyond the clouds.
“Okay,” she said, “but don’t stay out too long.”
Madeline left through the narrow dirt path. Jonah waited until he could no longer see his pink umbrella through the thicket of leaves and gnarled branches. The boy looked up into leaves and imagined the slivers of gray sky between them as thousands of tiny eyes all watching him intently. There was a gap between the branches through which the boy could see gray smoke rising from the chimney of one of the white people’s houses. It’s their neighborhood, thought the boy, the school, the drug store, the forest and everything beyond, it’s all theirs. The boy retrieved a shovel from inside the shed, the only one without any blood on it. He carried the shovel to a spot behind the shed where there were few leaves and soft dirt.

He dug into the earth.
First you will awake in disbelief, then
in sadness and grief and when you wake
the last time, the forest you've been
looking for will turn out to be
right in the middle of your chest.




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Is the boy Jonah or someone else?
THat was sort of confusing, didn't really make much sense.
I'd suggestest maybe slowing down, adding more detail and emotion

To, be honest, I'm not very sure what went on during this peice.
What was with the umbrella thing?
Slow down, add and clairfy
Write On
~WickedWonder

(PS, Welcoem to the YWS)
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*




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Muahaha, I love the name BadNarrator XD
*Ahem* Pink here, dropping by for a review :)

Nitpicks

The boy knew he had to keep it out of sight or else something bad might happen

In all honestly, I think you should change 'or else' to 'otherwise' I think it sounds better. But it is your call in the end. :)
It was silly stubborn little thing.

*It was 'a' silly stubborn....
Don't worry, I make these little mistakes too so I won't argue about them lol

The boy knew he had to keep it out of sight or else something bad might happen. Jonah had found it wandering through woods behind the white people’s houses one day after school. It was silly stubborn little thing. Nothing could be done to train it, it nipped at the boy’s heels whenever he walked away, and every time he left it alone it would whine and whine. But it had the bluest eyes the boy had ever seen. Its fur was like snow, short and soft.

Anyways, interesting beginning, although I do think your introduction could have used a little bit more spazz to it. Something to really reel us in. Also, I would have liked it more if you described 'the thing' a little more. Right now I'm picturing:
Image
Except white lol

The boy kept it hidden in an old tool shed that had been forgotten long ago deep in the thicket of trees and bushes, just out of view of the white people’s houses.

Whoa, I think you should cut this sentence. It's a bit runy, don't ya think?

green velvety moss on the shingles and on the door panels.

I don't like this repetition of 'on the'. I think you should take out the second one.

Jonah waited until he could no longer see his pink umbrella through the thicket of leaves and gnarled branches

I think you meant 'her' umbrella :)

Overall, this is an interesting piece, although a bit cliche. Kid finds some sort of fantasy creature and hides it. Although, it's death was the thing that surprised me. I didn't think you'd kill the thing :( Honestly, I was a little sad it died.
Now, I do have a few points that I'd like to discuss regarding this piece. First of all, I want to talk about the writing style. I don't exactly have a problem with it or anything but there are parts where you randomly write things down and it messes with the flow of the piece. For example:
The boy couldn’t resist showing it to his younger sister. He knew Madeline would love its soft white fur and the prickly feeling of its tongue when it licked her hands. The newspaper said that there would be rain that afternoon.

You mentioned the newspaper and the weather at a weird time. I would suggest changing this sentence around so it all flows and you're not left with describing his emotions about telling his sister about the thing, and the fact that it's going to rain in the afternoon. I hope you get what I mean lol :3

Now, the entire dialogue with his sister was random. I mean, I don't understand what she meant by the falling umbrella. Maybe I will come to understand it later, maybe if there's more to this, of course. I kept getting the feeling that you were trying to tell me something with that part but I couldn't put my finger on it. Anyways, if this is all that there is to the story, I would suggest taking out that chunk because it really isn't helpful.
Also, your descriptions were good, I liked them but they were a bit confusing to read. Maybe it was the writing style itself, it was a mixture of low key descriptions and some nicer ones. The writing itself was lacking in strength, I would recommend you try to connect your sentences and possibly add some commas here and there to blend your characters thoughts together and all.
In the end, I think your story could do well. I'm actually quite curious about the thing and the characters. Also what you meant to say with the umbrella dialog. I feel like you're trying to connect something together. Anyways, before this gets too long and draggy, I'll be off. If you have any questions or anything, you can always PM me.
Cheers! And I forgot to tell you, welcome to YWS!
:D

~Shear
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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wickedwonder wrote:Is the boy Jonah or someone else?
THat was sort of confusing, didn't really make much sense.
I'd suggestest maybe slowing down, adding more detail and emotion

To, be honest, I'm not very sure what went on during this peice.
What was with the umbrella thing?
Slow down, add and clairfy
Write On
~WickedWonder

(PS, Welcoem to the YWS)


I see what you mean. I only revised it twice since i first wrote it, I suppose i should have revised it a few more times to get the bugs worked out of it.

Thank you for your comment.

PinkShearwater wrote:Muahaha, I love the name BadNarrator XD
*Ahem* Pink here, dropping by for a review :)

Nitpicks

The boy knew he had to keep it out of sight or else something bad might happen

In all honestly, I think you should change 'or else' to 'otherwise' I think it sounds better. But it is your call in the end. :)
It was silly stubborn little thing.

*It was 'a' silly stubborn....
Don't worry, I make these little mistakes too so I won't argue about them lol

The boy knew he had to keep it out of sight or else something bad might happen. Jonah had found it wandering through woods behind the white people’s houses one day after school. It was silly stubborn little thing. Nothing could be done to train it, it nipped at the boy’s heels whenever he walked away, and every time he left it alone it would whine and whine. But it had the bluest eyes the boy had ever seen. Its fur was like snow, short and soft.

Anyways, interesting beginning, although I do think your introduction could have used a little bit more spazz to it. Something to really reel us in. Also, I would have liked it more if you described 'the thing' a little more. Right now I'm picturing:
Image
Except white lol

The boy kept it hidden in an old tool shed that had been forgotten long ago deep in the thicket of trees and bushes, just out of view of the white people’s houses.

Whoa, I think you should cut this sentence. It's a bit runy, don't ya think?

green velvety moss on the shingles and on the door panels.

I don't like this repetition of 'on the'. I think you should take out the second one.

Jonah waited until he could no longer see his pink umbrella through the thicket of leaves and gnarled branches

I think you meant 'her' umbrella :)

Overall, this is an interesting piece, although a bit cliche. Kid finds some sort of fantasy creature and hides it. Although, it's death was the thing that surprised me. I didn't think you'd kill the thing :( Honestly, I was a little sad it died.
Now, I do have a few points that I'd like to discuss regarding this piece. First of all, I want to talk about the writing style. I don't exactly have a problem with it or anything but there are parts where you randomly write things down and it messes with the flow of the piece. For example:
The boy couldn’t resist showing it to his younger sister. He knew Madeline would love its soft white fur and the prickly feeling of its tongue when it licked her hands. The newspaper said that there would be rain that afternoon.

You mentioned the newspaper and the weather at a weird time. I would suggest changing this sentence around so it all flows and you're not left with describing his emotions about telling his sister about the thing, and the fact that it's going to rain in the afternoon. I hope you get what I mean lol :3

Now, the entire dialogue with his sister was random. I mean, I don't understand what she meant by the falling umbrella. Maybe I will come to understand it later, maybe if there's more to this, of course. I kept getting the feeling that you were trying to tell me something with that part but I couldn't put my finger on it. Anyways, if this is all that there is to the story, I would suggest taking out that chunk because it really isn't helpful.
Also, your descriptions were good, I liked them but they were a bit confusing to read. Maybe it was the writing style itself, it was a mixture of low key descriptions and some nicer ones. The writing itself was lacking in strength, I would recommend you try to connect your sentences and possibly add some commas here and there to blend your characters thoughts together and all.
In the end, I think your story could do well. I'm actually quite curious about the thing and the characters. Also what you meant to say with the umbrella dialog. I feel like you're trying to connect something together. Anyways, before this gets too long and draggy, I'll be off. If you have any questions or anything, you can always PM me.
Cheers! And I forgot to tell you, welcome to YWS!
:D

~Shear


I wrote this story in response to a poem by Charles Bukowski titled "Silly damned thing anyhow." I should have mentioned that in my original post.

I should have revised this a few more times before submitting it, but to be honest I just wrote the whole thing just to get it out of my head so I could move on to something else. But you're right a lot of those mistakes were things I should have noticed right away. Especially the part with the weather. I left the description of "it" vague because that's pretty much the description of "it" in the poem. I feel like it would diminish the effect if I actually told you what "it" is.

Thanks for your comments.
First you will awake in disbelief, then
in sadness and grief and when you wake
the last time, the forest you've been
looking for will turn out to be
right in the middle of your chest.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 44887
Reviews 816
I wrote this story in response to a poem by Charles Bukowski titled "Silly damned thing anyhow." I should have mentioned that in my original post.

I should have revised this a few more times before submitting it, but to be honest I just wrote the whole thing just to get it out of my head so I could move on to something else. But you're right a lot of those mistakes were things I should have noticed right away. Especially the part with the weather. I left the description of "it" vague because that's pretty much the description of "it" in the poem. I feel like it would diminish the effect if I actually told you what "it" is.

Thanks for your comments.


Ah, now I see. I would have commented differently if I knew it was based off a poem. Haha.
Don't worry about it, I know what it's like to have something stuck in your head. :(
Well, I'm glad I helped a little :3
Thank you for the explanation,

~Shear
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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Hi there BadNarrator!

Glad I got around to reading this! I'm WD, lovely to meet you. This is a really interesting story, and I think you have a lot of potential conflict with which you can work here; I may be repeating some comments already made, but one can never have enough sets of eyes to look over these things. I'm just going to go over and touch on a few things and give some general thoughts at the end, kay? ;)

The boy knew he had to keep it out of sight or else something bad might happen. Jonah had found it wandering through woods behind the white people’s houses one day after school. It was silly stubborn little thing. Nothing could be done to train it, it nipped at the boy’s heels whenever he walked away, and every time he left it alone it would whine and whine. But it had the bluest eyes the boy had ever seen. Its fur was like snow, short and soft.


I like this opening paragraph, especially the first line--the anonymity of the main character, the vagueness of what he has to keep safe. I like that a lot. I feel like Jonah's name is introduced rather early, though. You continue to refer to him as 'the boy' even after you say his name, and I think this paragraph would flow better if you introduced Jonah's name later, maybe when he's talking to his sister. Also, I wonder how he knows that something bad might happen to it--has something happened in the past to make him think that? What happened? Details like this might strengthen the reader's ability to sympathize with the boy from the very beginning. Tis something to think about, at the very least.

The boy kept it hidden in an old tool shed that had been forgotten long ago deep in the thicket of trees and bushes, just out of view of the white people’s houses. The roof of the shed was caved in near the corner and there was green velvety moss on the shingles and on the door panels. It ate everything the boy ate. Every morning on his way to school Jonah would cut through the woods and stop by the shed to feed it some of his lunch. He would stop at the drug store to buy a sandwich and give half to it on his way back home. Whenever he opened the door it would stare at him lovingly with those deep blue eyes.


So, you are very good at summarizing events eloquently--and the details are certainly coming along, what with the appearance of the shed, but I'd love to see some further detail conveying the dynamics between the fur ball and Jonah. Any specific moments? Any specific things that Jonah notices or feels?

The boy couldn’t resist showing it to his younger sister. He knew Madeline would love its soft white fur and the prickly feeling of its tongue when it licked her hands. The newspaper said that there would be rain that afternoon. The sky was covered with a blanket of clouds. Madeline carried her collapsible pink umbrella with her as they walked down the narrow path through the woods behind the white people’s houses. It was attached to her wrist by a little pink strap. She was balancing the umbrella on the tips of her fingers as they walked.


As has been mentioned, the newspaper and weather seems to stick out in this paragraph, which is mostly about Madeline. I also wonder about Jonah's relationship to his sister--he seems to know her very well, to guess that she will like the fur ball, but I think if we saw them interacting with some solid detail and body language here, it would flesh their relationship out and make the following dialogue more believable.

“Then what’s the point?” asked Jonah.
“I don’t know,” said Madeline, “maybe there isn’t one. Maybe it doesn’t matter what happens after the umbrella falls. Maybe all that matters is the act of balancing.”
“You’re a silly girl,” said the boy.
“I know.”


All right, I feel like the umbrella conversation can really go somewhere--I'm just not seeing where it is pointing yet. And I think this section I have taken out is the part that has the most potential to turn into something meaningful. However, right now it is struggling to breathe because the dialogue is unnatural sounding. Madeline hasn't sounded this philosophical before now--how old is she anyway? Her line seems to come out of nowhere. And what is Jonah's tone when he calls her a silly girl? Condescending? Fascinated? Confused? I'm not sure how to interpret this interaction, and it's making it hard for me to piece together what's happening in this scene.

They reached the old shed. A little bit of light was shining down from the gray sky through the treetops. The breeze shook the thousands of leaves making them roar softly like rushing water. The girl asked her brother if this was the place. The boy answered in the affirmative but told her to wait outside. “It can be kind of shy sometimes.”


This part is lovely.

The hinges made their usual rusty creaking noise when the boy opened the door, but the sound of pitiful whining which usually followed could not be heard over the rustling of the leaves overhead. The boy stepped through the threshold and his heart sank. All across the floor and walls was blood and white fur. The rusted tools on the workbench were wet. Jonah found its body lying in the corner, its blue eyes staring at the leaves through the hole in the ceiling. There was a note written on a little piece of paper tied around its severed neck which read, “We don’t want these sorts of things in our neighborhood.”


A pacing note--this section moves with the same speed as the rest of the story, and yet it feels much more important than the scenes we have run through before now. I think this part could use some slowing down. It could use some details about the movement of Jonah and Madeline. Where is Jonah looking right now? What is he thinking? Is he getting nervous? What kinds of things does he do when his sympathetic nervous system kicks in and he starts to panic? Down and dirty details about what he is feeling will really help draw the reader deeper into this intense moment.

The girl dropped her umbrella. When she picked it back up she studied her brother’s expression. He was rubbing his left arm nervously and his eyes were red. She asked Jonah if he was sure, he told his sister that he was. She stared at him for a moment while the breeze picked up rustling the leaves some more and blowing strands of her own hair in front of her dark eyes. A dull clap of thunder roared in from the east like the painful moans of a great wounded behemoth from beyond the clouds.


Again, some lovely description. However, I'm not sure what to think of the behemoth simile. It seems to push the story a much heavier direction, but the remaining part of the story doesn't seem heavier than the beginning.

There was a gap between the branches through which the boy could see gray smoke rising from the chimney of one of the white people’s houses. It’s their neighborhood, thought the boy, the school, the drug store, the forest and everything beyond, it’s all theirs. The boy retrieved a shovel from inside the shed, the only one without any blood on it. He carried the shovel to a spot behind the shed where there were few leaves and soft dirt.


And here's where the story is resting right now. It is ending up a stirring tale of how a young boy's desires/dreams are being crushed by the environment around him... and it is still unclear how umbrellas fit into that. I feel like the line about the drug store, school etc. is trying to do too much here; we have gotten no hints at the white people taking over these places before now, and I think if you wove this idea more thoroughly through the story, it would provide some nice closure here, but right now it seems like a sudden 'universalization' of an isolated moment which doesn't reach full resolution at the end.

I do like the last line very much.

All in all, I think this is working pretty well. You have a clean writing style that is certainly capable of weaving some great images, but it is relying a lot on summary right now, and I think if you slowed down some of the prose and really let the reader see the characters interact, it would flesh this story out a lot. I've pointed out the confusion about the umbrellas, and I'm very interested to see how those come into play in your later revisions, should you post those revisions here. In any case, I would suggest really pumping the story with some of those down-and-dirty body language/showing tricks to give your characters more life and make the reader care more about them. Right now the plot is coming along, but I think when the characters start to take hold of the story, it will really blossom. Characters are the life of a story; let them breathe.

Nice job and hope this helps! Keep writing! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!
~ WD
If you desire a review from WD, post here

"All I know, all I'm saying, is that a story finds a storyteller. Not the other way around." ~Neverwas




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Writersdomain, thank you for your feedback. It is much appreciated.
First you will awake in disbelief, then
in sadness and grief and when you wake
the last time, the forest you've been
looking for will turn out to be
right in the middle of your chest.



"Cowards die many times before their deaths; but the valiant will never taste of death but once."
— Julius Caesar