E's Diary - Chapter 1

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I didn't re-read the whole thing just to let you know.
You should probably read the prologue so that you don't have to be confused.


Chapter 1: Reunion


The time Luka and the others came, Yuu was barely holding on to himself, he was badly wounded on the arm. When Luka came closer and asked what had happened, Yuu shouted, “It was Edan! He stabbed me and took the artifact of Shylem with him!”

Four years have pass since those words were said.

Luka decided to visit her hometown and the Amur tree. When she walked by the inn, she saw a wanted poster: Wanted! Edan the Rivila
Destroyed the Alias chapel and stole Shylem’s ancient artifact.
10,000,000 Kys
Dead or Alive!

Just looking at the poster makes her sick, she grab the top of the paper and rip it off. She smashes it and drops the crumble paper.
“Woah, it seems like someone’s angry,” a familiar voice calls out to her, she turn to see that it was Yuu.
“Yuu! Oh my, it’s been a long time since we’ve met!” She hugs him in excitement.
“I know, it has been a long time.” As Luka let go of him, she saw his face in agony, “Ever since what happened.”
Luka’s excitement suddenly turn back to how depress she was at that time. “I know, say, are you going to the Amur tree too?” She tried to change the mood and it worked.
“Yes I am Luka, are you going there too?”
“Of course, let’s go there together.”
He agreed and they walk toward the hill where the Amur tree sits. While they were going to the Amur, they had many chats about what happen during these four years:
“So, what are you doing during these years, Luka?”
“Oh… I kind of went and got what I wanted.”
“You became a captain?”
“Yep! Not just a captain, but I’m a captain of the Gallant Knight!”
“Holy shit! That’s way off the top Luka; the Gallant Knights are the most elites of all the freaking knights! They protect the kings and queens for the maker’s sake!”
Luka just snarl at him. “What? You think that just because I’m a girl, I’m not going to make it to the top?”
Yuu stumbled, he couldn’t fight against that, he already knew who she is——a girl with pride and determination who isn’t going to stop until she’s recognized by everybody. Yuu groans in defeat.
“Well?” She looks at him, waiting for him to reply.
“Well? Well what?”
“Well how about you? What have you been doing all these years?”
“Oh, nothing really, I just went and got what I wanted.” He joke with her, she chuckles a little bit.
“Hah, but no really, what did you do?”
“No funny business for the captain, eh? Well to get it straight, I became a BMM.”
“A Battle Mage Master? Wow! That is so like you Yuu.”
“I know right?” He snickered one final time before they got to the Amur tree. It was still beautiful as it is four years ago. The leafs seem like it is on fire. A flame of regret…
Luka walk towards the tree, kneel down, and started to pray. She said in a low voice, “Please, Roal, the god of life—I pray to you—he might have sinned but he is still the person I know… or the person I use to know. I hope that you will give him a chance and let him start a new life.” Luka was finished, though she kept still for a while, she was praying hard. When she stood up, Yuu just stare at her——she tilt her head and asks, “What is it Yuu?”
“Huh?” He immediately said back, “Oh! Yes, no… I mean… you seem like you pray hard. You must really want your prayers be heard huh?”
She nodded, things became silent. It was an awkward mood actually, nobody knew what to say. Luka was thinking hard on what to say, “Hey Yuu, do you have anything to do after this?”
“No, not really, why do you ask?”
“I have new recruits——mages——and I was wondering if you, a BMM, can show them what it takes to be a Gallant Knight.”
“Hm, sure, I guess I have time, where is it?”
“It’s at the city Atlas.”
“Alright, meet you there.” Yuu said as he ran further and further away from her before she could say anything back to him.
“Wait——!” Her voice couldn’t reach him; he was too far away now.
She sighs in disappointment, “And I wanted us to travel there together like how we use to do.”

Atlas——FallingSummer 24, 1967
The new recruits were already there by the time Luka finally arrived. They look at her in astonishment; one of them stood out and said, “Wow! I can’t believe it; you’re actually going to bring a BMM with us?”
“Yep, I am. I just happen to ran into Yuu a while back.”
“You know him?” The tall recruit said in a blank voice.
“Ken, let’s talk about it later, but first we gotta go and finish what we started.”
Ken and the others agreed and they march on to the dungeon of Atlas.
“These newbies doesn’t seem very fervent.” Yuu lean onto Luka, whispering.
“That’s because they’re just normal mages not battle mages.”
“Well that Ken looks pretty strong.” He pointed at Ken, the man look back at Yuu as he put in finger down.
“He does but… I feel like there’s something strange about him.”
“Strange, what do you mean?”
Luka didn’t reply she just shook her head and walk ahead of the others. She already took care of all the high level monsters by the time Yuu and the others came.
“Let’s go!” She wave at them and walking in first. They followed. The dungeon was long.
“Ugh, why does these dungeons have to be so freaking long?!” Yuu was already breathing hard as he is. He pause to take in deep breathes. As his heart slows down, he took his hand off the wall and began to walk. When he stomp his foot on the ground, he felt an immense pain from the back of his head. Yuu quickly trace the back of his head—a warm fluid—his hands were shaking as he saw his hand covered in blood. Yuu was already reaching his limit but he force himself to turn back. His vision was getting blurry but the figure—it was him.
“You… bastard…” Yuu said his final words before the darkness took over his sight.

At last, Luka reach the end of the dungeon’s tunnel. She look back to check if anyone was missing.
“… Two… where is Yuu?”
The rookies look back and shrugged. “I don’t know, I thought he was with us.” The red-head boy answers her.
“Maybe he was too scared.” The green-eye boy joke with the others, they only laughed. Luka turn around and pondered, “Where did Yuu go, is he with Ken, I wonder?”

“Hey, Luka, it’s been a long time hasn’t it?” That voice, the voice of the traitor—me—just hearing the sound force her into a fury.
“Edan!” She screech at me. I stood on one of the gap that this dungeon, I glare down at her.
I push myself to make a smirk, “So I guess that’s how you greet me now, Luka?”
She growls at me like a wild beast.
“Oh and by the way Luka, I saw Yuu on the way here; you should to say hi to him for me.” I sneered at her.
“You—what did you do to Yuu?!”
“Nothing really, nothing that’s like this.” I raise up my arm and slam it on the wall. The noise vibrates throughout the dungeon, the sound stop but only to follow clatters of footsteps. I look at her face, she already knew what was going on.
“Everybody, get into position!” She yells at them but they hesitated. Their faces—fear was taking over.
“They were doom from the start.” I mutter to myself.

Five minutes after the ambush—Luka panted and she look around for any remaining fiends. There was none. She sighs in relief but before she could finally let her guard down, she turn back to me, pointing her sword at me. The sword that I made—I can say I’m delighted to see it.
“I can’t say I’m amazed, but you did do a very good job on killing all of these guys. They were very strong you know.”
“You bastard! You’ll never get always with this, we will get you.”
“We, as in your new rookies? I think they’re feeling a little bit empty right now.”
Luka turn back to see that every single one of them was dead, “No… no, Edan, how could you?!”
I didn’t reply to her, only saying a new one. “You better get out of here Luka, this place is about to be raided with Legions soon. I call them here, just to let you know.” I wink at her and hurdles off the ledge. Luka’s eyes widen as she scream as loud as she could, “EDAN!!”
But she had no choice, they were dead, and she needed to get out of here before the Legion come here. Once she reaches the end of the dungeon, she saw Yuu beside a tree, bleeding from his head.
“Oh the maker, Yuu!” She ran to him, grab his arm and putting it on her shoulder, and she makes her way back to Atlas.

At the doctor
The medic took some bandages and began to wrap it around Yuu’s head.
“Thank you for your time here, Luka!” The doctor wave her good bye as she wave back at him. Yuu wasn’t feeling so good but he didn’t want to stay in the hospital.
“You really need to stay in the hospital Yuu, I mean, look at yourself; you’re not even walking in a straight line!” She tried to elucidate him.
“N-no, I’m fine r-really.” Yuu reply back to her as he walk into a wall. “Ouch!”
She groans and pick him up, “You aren’t even fully healed yet, but if you insist, let’s go to an inn then.”
Yuu responded by walking to the inn. The atmosphere was dead during the whole walk to the in.

At the inn
They sat at a table and started to discuss what happened.
“So tell me Yuu, what happen back there?”
“I was knocked out.”
“Was it Edan?”
“No, it was Ken.”
“Ken?!” She pounds her fist on the table, attracting everybody’s attention; she sat back down in embarrassment.
“Yeah, it was Ken who knocked me out.”
“So it wasn’t Edan, but why would Ken do that?”
“I don’t know Luka, although you were right about him, he was suspicious.”
“Maybe he’s working with Edan.”
“Hah, no way would Edan work with a guy like him and no way would Edan use such a cheap trick.”
“Then who is Ken?”
“I told you, I don’t know, but I’ll get to the bottom of this. I’ll be taking my leave.” He stood up and walk out of the inn. Luka moaned and ask the waitress for some tea.
While she was sipping on the tea, a forgotten reminiscence punches her on the back of the head, “Wait, Yuu was still heavily injured in the head, how could I let him leave like that?!”

Luka walk out of the inn, dying of humiliation. With no exact ideas to go, she decided to go back to the person who gave her this opportunity as a captain—Harry.

Harry’s place——FallingSummer 26, 1967
“I see… so that is what happened at the Atlas dungeon.” Harry started to repeat everything Luka just said. “I finally get it.”
“Yes but I must ask, why did Edan do it?”
“That’s a very easy question Luka, the Atlas dungeon has many fiends living inside it so if the Legion take control of the dungeon then they can destroy the Atlas city using the sound to attract the monsters with the banging noise.”
“He would innocent people get kill, for what?”
“Edan doesn’t kill people for no reason. He must be thinking of something that goes with the destruction of Atlas.”
“But what?”
Luka tried to brainstorm as many ideas as she could. Finally coming up with the answer, “That must be it! Edan is going after the shrine of Clay!”
“The shrine of Clay, why?”
“The shrine of Clay is near Atlas and it is heavily guarded with guards and the guardian. He must be trying to attract all the guards to Atlas to defend the city.”
Harry laughs and laughs, “That is a very good one, it seem plausible.”
“Well since I have the answer, I’ll go on ahead no, bye Harry!”
Harry waves the girl good bye and sighs, “So I guess you were eavesdropping on us, huh Edan?”


E's Diary - Prologue part 2
E's Diary - Chapter 2
---

It's hard work to do all of these stories ( yes stories, I'm working on other different stories cause I can't handle one single story without writing something else. That's a weak point for me. ) when I have to make difficult reviews to get points =.=
I dun wuv you Mr. reviews
Last edited by Roal on Tue Sep 28, 2010 4:11 am, edited 3 times in total.
14 years have passed
And yet I'm unabled
To find a friend
For my existence is lower
Than a piece of grass.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 37146
Reviews 556
Hello there :)
First of all, I would like to strongly suggest that before you post something, try really hard to go through it and check for spelling errors and the like.

The time Luka and the others came, Yuu was barely holding on to himself, he was badly wounded on the arm. When Luka came closer and asked what had happened, Yuu shouted, “It was Edan! He stabbed me and took the artifact of Shylem with him!”

Four years have passed since that word was said(try and rephrase this a bit, it doesn't sound right).

Luka decided to visit her hometown and the Amur tree. When she walked by the inn, she saw a wanted poster: Wanted! Edan the Rivila
Destroyed the Alias chapel and stole Shylem’s ancient artifact.
10,000,000 Kys
Dead or Alive!

There are many more spelling and grammatical errors in your chapter. I think that for a first chapter, you did not really do your best to develop your characters, or introduce them to the reader. I can see that you shot straight to some dialogue, a lot of it. Try to get some narration in first. Tell the story first before the characters can get into a deep conversation. Explain the story behind the stolen artifect, the setting of the story or which country the story is set in, who Luka is, things like that. Try to let me in. So far, this looks like an abstract or a rough draft to an idea of a story, which makes it look incomplete. Also, you are spilling too much information all at once. Where's the suspense, the driving force behind a good story.If you dish out too much information in the first chapter, there won't be anything left as you continue.
The plot though, looks amazing. If you can just take these suggestions, maybe try and rewrite the chapter a little bit, then it can be a good start to a potentially good story. I mean, fantasy requires creativity and you have that.

Keep writing and good luck on the rest of your story ;)
The best is what you make it!

...eh, need a review? Click me!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1279
Reviews 33
ziggiefred wrote:Hello there :)
First of all, I would like to strongly suggest that before you post something, try really hard to go through it and check for spelling errors and the like.

The time Luka and the others came, Yuu was barely holding on to himself, he was badly wounded on the arm. When Luka came closer and asked what had happened, Yuu shouted, “It was Edan! He stabbed me and took the artifact of Shylem with him!”

Four years have passed since that word was said(try and rephrase this a bit, it doesn't sound right).

Luka decided to visit her hometown and the Amur tree. When she walked by the inn, she saw a wanted poster: Wanted! Edan the Rivila
Destroyed the Alias chapel and stole Shylem’s ancient artifact.
10,000,000 Kys
Dead or Alive!

There are many more spelling and grammatical errors in your chapter. I think that for a first chapter, you did not really do your best to develop your characters, or introduce them to the reader. I can see that you shot straight to some dialogue, a lot of it. Try to get some narration in first. Tell the story first before the characters can get into a deep conversation. Explain the story behind the stolen artifect, the setting of the story or which country the story is set in, who Luka is, things like that. Try to let me in. So far, this looks like an abstract or a rough draft to an idea of a story, which makes it look incomplete. Also, you are spilling too much information all at once. Where's the suspense, the driving force behind a good story.If you dish out too much information in the first chapter, there won't be anything left as you continue.
The plot though, looks amazing. If you can just take these suggestions, maybe try and rewrite the chapter a little bit, then it can be a good start to a potentially good story. I mean, fantasy requires creativity and you have that.

Keep writing and good luck on the rest of your story ;)


Thanks for reviewing and wait... you did read the prologue right?
14 years have passed
And yet I'm unabled
To find a friend
For my existence is lower
Than a piece of grass.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1903
Reviews 38
Hey sorry for the late review :) I was kinda busy buuuttt Im here now so let's get cracking!! :D

Well first things first, Yes I like where this is going but descriptions...:) Sometimes it's really hard to see where the characters are, who they're with and most of all...what the characters are like.
Like yes, we can get the sense that Luka is fierce and unlike other girls and so on. But it's Yuu...we just can't see him yet. You need to just develop the characters a bit more :) and the scenes and all that...but apart from that, I like it :) It's going somewhere, there's a good plot to it and unique :D so well done on that :D

Another thing is the grammar and yes you probably heard about it soooo much, it's probably pissing you off...but yes. Tenses! That is crucial.
There's a huge confusion about what time you're talking about? The present, the past or the future. Just be careful with those, like.. in this line...

Luka turned back to see that every single one of them was dead, “No… no, Edan, how could you?!”


But otherwise, this story has great potential and I like it :D :D :D
"We love the ones that ignore us
But ignore the ones that love us"

Alexx




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1279
Reviews 33
Al3xx wrote:Hey sorry for the late review :) I was kinda busy buuuttt Im here now so let's get cracking!! :D

Well first things first, Yes I like where this is going but descriptions...:) Sometimes it's really hard to see where the characters are, who they're with and most of all...what the characters are like.
Like yes, we can get the sense that Luka is fierce and unlike other girls and so on. But it's Yuu...we just can't see him yet. You need to just develop the characters a bit more :) and the scenes and all that...but apart from that, I like it :) It's going somewhere, there's a good plot to it and unique :D so well done on that :D

Another thing is the grammar and yes you probably heard about it soooo much, it's probably pissing you off...but yes. Tenses! That is crucial.
There's a huge confusion about what time you're talking about? The present, the past or the future. Just be careful with those, like.. in this line...

Luka turned back to see that every single one of them was dead, “No… no, Edan, how could you?!”


But otherwise, this story has great potential and I like it :D :D :D


Mmmm.... yes... those smexy tenses!
I'll revise this [ maybe ] once I get better at English :L
14 years have passed
And yet I'm unabled
To find a friend
For my existence is lower
Than a piece of grass.



I wouldn't think "impossible" was even in your vocabulary.
— Sharpay Evans, High School Musical