A Theft

Alright, I think this actually pretty good. Like it if you, well, like it.

It wasn’t what you were looking for. If you couldn’t find it then you should just abort the mission.
No.
What your mother told you wasn’t going through your mind. You were sent to take the diamond back, and that is what you’ll do.
So you race through the halls, silent as the night. You’re determined not to trip an alarm, not to let a security camera catch you. You’ve made it this far. All you have to do is hit the fourth floor.
The fourth floor.
The diamond of Persephone is hidden on the fourth floor.
Why do you want the diamond? The diamond is the one source of power you can find, and you must get it before anybody else does.
The silence trails after you as you run up the stairs and through the halls. You can hear a janitor rustling around. You pull the gun out from your boot. This will be easy, just point and shoot and click.
But for some reason, you cannot shoot. You cannot muster any will to shoot the poor man. Guilt washes over you, you’re thinking of his family, his life.
You slide the gun back into your boot, turn around and begin to run back down the stairs of the museum.
Maybe you weren’t cut out for this job, after all.

I've got mixed feelings about the narrative mode you've chosen for the story. On the one hand I pretty much hate all 2nd person narrators, but on the other it seems to work a little better with very short stories such as this one. But this creates other problems:

For one, I felt like there was too little description, but the cost of fixing this could make this story too long for the 2nd person narrative mode.

Then there's also the problem of creating a physical image of what the protagonist looks like. It's hard to describe the main character in the 2nd person without resorting to cheap tricks such as having your character stare into a mirror for twenty minutes, because as readers we'd expect the person to whom the narrator is speaking to already know what he or she looks like.

To sum it up even though I hate 2nd person narrators I admire your ambition for trying to make it work, and to your credit I'll admit that even though I didn't think it worked out too well it did work better than I expected it too. I'd like to see this story with more description, specifically pertaining to what the physical appearance of the protagonist (we don't even know if it's a male or female), the physical appearance of the janitor and some more information on the protagonist's background. You mentioned that the main character wasn't thinking about what (his?) mother told him. As a reader I want to know what it was that the mother said to the protagonist so I can know what type of person it is we're dealing with here.

If you can't include more description while still making the 2nd person work then I suggest rewriting the whole thing in the 3rd person.

Good luck and keep writing.

Hey Wickedwonder!

I thought the narration was actually done really well for 2nd person I don't like them much either but I think you did it well because, for this you don't need a close bond with the MC or anything so it gives it this good feel to it.
Overall, it's short and sweet. Just long enough, I think because you don't want to ramble on with this so this is perfect Plus, I fallowed really well without all the explication.
I really liked it.
Keep writing!

-Truth-

Hello,

The idea's pretty much amazing, one of the ones which just makes the writerly-inclined reader think, "Why didn't I think of that?!" So it's in morose spirits that I'm writing this review =)

Flash fiction scares me silly - don't think I've ever written one, actually. Yours has arms and legs, and was pulled off quite well despite the few words (I mean, me, I have panic attacks when I see word limits). That said, maybe a little more insight wouldn't be such a bad idea. The guilt at the end - great. Perhaps add a few hints/ show that guilt (maybe without even naming what it is) building up? Think that would make the ending stronger.

Also, there's that Source of Power thingy. The Great and Powerful Magic thingy. Is it all that necessary? I mean, it doesn't really add anything to the story: it just is there, sits, it can go or it can stay and I as the reader won't care. It's an empty statement, and because of that, pulls 3d into something flatter.

Oh, and the opening/mother told you thing - to me it's unclear whether the narrator's thinking that or relaying words of the mother. Might clear that one out.


Nicely done,
Esme

Hi!

I think this is actually the first 2nd person story I've read. And I don't see why I shouldn't like it.

It has mystery to the person narrating. How come he knows so much about the MC? Who is he? Is he a part of the story? I want to know more.

Also, I want to be able to visualize what the protagonist looks like. I want to get a better feel of what he's capable of doing and what he dreams of.

Good luck!

hi wicked!
okay I am going to review you today
my corrections are bolded and my comments in #FF0000 ">red my additions are in blue and the cancelation are marked out

It wasn’t what you were looking for. If you couldn’t find it then you should just abort the mission.

No.

What your mother told you wasn’t going through your mind. You were sent to take the diamond back, and that is what you’ll do.

So you race through the halls, silent as the night. You’re determined not to trip an alarm, not to let a security camera catch you. You’ve made it this far. All you have to do is hit the fourth floor.
#FF0000 ">hit the fourth floor?? that doesn't sound right maybe reach #FF0000 ">the fourth floor?
The fourth floor.
#FF0000 ">this just making this section of the story longer
The diamond of Persephone is hidden on the fourth floor.

Why do you want the diamond? The diamond is the one source of power you can find, and you must get it before anybody else does.
somebody
The silence trails after you as you run up the stairs and through the halls. You can hear a janitor rustling around. You pull the gun out from your boot. This will be easy, just point and shoot and click.

But for some reason, you cannot shoot. You cannot muster any will to shoot the poor man. Guilt washes over you, you’re thinking of his family, his life.

You slide the gun back into your boot, turn around and begin to run back down the stairs of the museum.

Maybe you weren’t cut out for this job, after all.
#FF40FF ">overall I like it. it seems to flow well and I like that
later!
~pointe