Beginnning of Untitled

Spoiler

I don't know why I'm posting this. Just something I thought of that I might keep going with. Tell me what you think :] And I know, my writing is very... clicheish [If that is a word which it probably isn't]

[Rena]

Leaves crunched under my Converse sneakers as I sprinted through the woods. The soft murmur of crickets and the breeze filled my ears. It was almost dark, the sky turning a beautiful deep orange and purple color. It would be an amazing moment if I wasn’t running for my life.
I jumped over a huge tree root, and skidded to a stop. I listened intently for any sound of a twig snapping or a shuffle of feet of the police. Silence. I sighed in relief, and relaxed my shoulders. Slowly, my breathing relaxed, and I began jogging farther away.
Reaching the edge of the forest, I grew more hesitant. Nick, my boyfriend, had told me not to leave the woods. My heart skipped a beat when I heard his name. Nick. My love. Nick. The one who I abandoned.
I shook the thought out of my head, and tried to see out of the trees. I inched closer and closer until a car engine revved and I jumped back. Where did that come from, I thought, and peeked through the bushes. A highway stretched across the next 20 yards, with cars whizzing by, not even bothering to see my blue eyes peering out. I looked back into the woods. My mind went back to Nick and where I had left him. I closed my eyes, tears beginning to well up in my eyes. It had happened all to fast…

* * *

We were walking together, one hand holding one another’s. I looked up at his face and smiled. His face looked so free right now, like he didn’t have a worry in life. He looked down at me, and kissed me lightly on the lips. I closed my eyes and went with it. His hand tangled in my hair and he moved closer to me. His lips were so soft. I pulled away from him, looking into his eyes.
“They will never find us.” He whispered to me, drawing me into his arms. I smiled at the thought my family never finding us. We didn’t need them, and they didn‘t need us.
“You promise?” I asked uncertainly, knowing my mother; She would call the police, and call in dogs and helicopters. I stood on tiptoes, trying to reach his height. He laughed and pulled me in for another kiss.
“I promise.” He said firmly. He smiled, grabbed my hand, and we kept walking.
“But, what if they do?” I asked, ruining the moment of freedom we were having. He looked at me, and sighed. He had always called me his little pessimist, and with good reason.
“If they come, I want you to run. I’ll find a way out of this. They can’t catch you, Rena. I’ll find a way to find you afterwards. But, one thing.” He said, stopping. He put one hand on my shoulder, and the other under my chin. “Don’t leave these woods. They will find you if you do.” His eyes burned into mine.
“I won’t.” I whispered back to him, only imaging the worse of what would happen if I left the woods.
Suddenly, we both jumped at the sound of a dog barking. No, there was more than one dog. And humans. I looked at Nick, desperate to find something in his eyes that would tell me what to do. He just looked straight where the sound came from.
“Run Rena.” He murmured. “I’ll find you.” I was frozen in place. I couldn’t find the words to tell him “No! I won’t leave you to the dogs!” He looked at me, his eyes fearful.
“Go!” He practically screamed at me. Then, I flew.
Reaching the top of the high hill that was once in front of me, I hid behind a huge oak tree. I saw that they had circled him. Flashlights bored into his eyes, making him squint.
“Where is the girl?” One officer yelled, flashing his light into his eye. Nick didn’t respond. He merely looked down, and pointed into the opposite direction of me.
“She ran away after I tried to kiss her.” He said finally, lying perfectly through his teeth.
The officers exchanged looks, nodded, and handcuffed him. My Nick going to jail, I thought, This isn’t real. I watched as they led Nick away. He looked around, knowing that I was close nearby. His eyes finally laid on me and I gasped at his eyes screamed exactly what he told me moments earlier: Run. I stared one more second into his sad, brown eyes, and then I ran.



I stepped out from the trees, exposing me into the dim sunlight. Car lights danced across me, as I stood there, watching. I was paralyzed, because in this moment, I felt completely alone. My family couldn’t help me, for I was already running away from them. Nick couldn’t help me, for I had already deserted him. The police couldn’t help me, for they had already pulled over and were running towards me.
My mind jerked to reality, and I gasped. I looked back into the dark woods, and realizing that now I was circled. They all had their flashlights pointed at me, just like Nick. They spoke over the radio, praising and saying that they had found me. I sighed and looked down. They began asking me questions, wondering what had happened and why did I run away. I ignored all of them, as they ushered me into the cop car. Nick wasn’t in the car, and I grabbed my knees and sat there until they drove me to hell--I mean home.
They all came running out, even Grandma, who wheeled out in her wheelchair. They surrounded the car, as I stepped out, resisting the urge to strike a pose, like any superstar would getting out of her limo. I avoided my families eyes, wanting to run up to my room, bury my head in a fluffy pillow, and scream and cry for Nick. But, I had to sit on the couch of my living room, and listen to my parents yell at me. It was an average lecture, except I had bigger consequences. I couldn’t go anywhere near the juvenile prison where they were taking Nick, I couldn’t call anyone, or be out past 10. I rolled my eyes, and accepted every punishment given.
“Why did you do it?” My mother asked finally, standing up as soon as I did. I started walking away, but turned around and looked all of them, from my dad to my brother to my grandma.
“Because. You all are killing me slowly, but surely. And I don’t want to die when I’m only 16.” And with that, I ran up the stairs to my room, and cried myself to sleep.

Interesting beginning you got there.
It definitely makes me want to read more.
Your writing style is simple, and to the point, which I like.
I even enjoyed your beginning, the simple description, and emtion in there
Im looking forward to reading more
Write on
~WickedWonder

Hey guitargirl! I quite enjoyed this piece. There are a few things I would like to point out that would make it better though.

Leaves crunched under my Converse sneakers as I sprinted through the woods. The soft murmur of crickets and the breeze filled my ears. It was almost dark, the sky turning a beautiful deep orange and purple color. It would be an amazing moment if I wasn’t running for my life.
I jumped over a huge tree root, and skidded to a stop. I listened intently for any sound of a twig snapping or a shuffle of feet of the police. Silence. I sighed in relief, and relaxed my shoulders. Slowly, my breathing relaxed, and I began jogging farther away.

I like the imagery of this paragraph, but it doesn't seem to fit with the high-energy you were going for. I felt calm and enchanted reading this instead of on edge. Try describing how her heart was pounding, or her face was flushed from the exertion, or something of the like and add in a little less of the setting description. I know that if I was fleeing for my life, I wouldn't be listening to the crickets.

one hand holding one another’s

This sounds strange. Change the wording.

I looked up at his face and smiled. His face looked so free right now,

This is one of my pet peeves, repetition of words. You wrote "face" and then wrote it again three words later. It interrupts the flow.

“Because. You all are killing me slowly, but surely. And I don’t want to die when I’m only 16.”

This isn't something you necessarily need to change, I just think it could be better. The "but surely" segment doesn't sound quite right in this context. Would a teenage girl, who just lost her boyfriend, say something like that? I would think she would be more emotional. But that's just me. You could have been a bit more specific about what it was her family was doing to her, but I understand that you're trying to keep it a secret to add some excitement.

Some aspects I liked were how you wrote the kissing scene, it wasn't too much for me and I didn't feel grossed out or uncomfortable. You also did a good job of showing instead of telling when it came to Rena's personality. Good job!

Some last pieces of advice:
-Starting the story a little earlier on, before the big escape, might be something you want to consider, I felt a little flustered reading this. On the other hand, maybe you have it all planned out, in which case, don't meddle with it.
-Vary your sentence length. This is something I picked up on a while ago. If you mix short sentences and long sentences it improves the flow and makes it easier to read. Just something to keep in mind.

Geez, that was a long review! It's because I loved it so much . Can't wait for more!

-Lauren

Hello there

I think that this is really good. The storyline is good, your storytelling is good. There is a lot of suspense and you describe your scenes so well. However, my biggest problem was the size of your paragraphs. Try to decompress them a little bit to make it easier to read. Also, sometimes it was very obvious where a new paragraph would have fit in. Form a new paragraph when you're talking about something new. Anyways, I think it was a problem with your editing that caused everything to be crammed into one place.

Where did that come from, I thought, and peeked through the bushes.

rephrase this sentence. I think you should put a full stop after "I thought" and begin a new sentence after that.

Good job, and good luck on the rest of your story.

Perty good!! And yes 'pretty' was misspelled intentionally.