Killing myself

"You coward" I scream.
"Just take it all away!"
"I wish i could!
But i just dont think i can take the pain.
The knife i hold inside my hand,
I used to eat my food.
How can I take it all away
with such a barbaric tool?"
"Fine then" I say
"go grab the pills,
They're right beside the stove.
You'll go right to sleep, there will be no pain.
More than you caold have hoped"
I cry so loud the houses does shake,
"But so unoriginal, not bold,
what will they sayabout that girl,
who overdoesed her cold?"
"So take the gun, inside the box,
you know she never locks"
"I would but the mess, i cant leave that way,
the blood splattering the walls.
They will have nightmares about what I did in the halls."
"So get the rope you know so well,
the one you always hold."
"I will just give me a sec, this house is to cold!"
"LIES" she yells,
"Dont you see? They're all excuses from you to me.
NO ONE WILL MISS YOU, NO ONE WILL CRY!"
"But he will" I quietly say with demise.
"He waits there everyday for me,
even if he doesnt understand.
He loves me so, he tells me everyday.
and even though I hate myself for it,
I love him all the same.
I can not live with out his smile,
his chuckle or his laugh.
And if it weren't for him,
i already would have passed.
I guess what they say is true,
he keeps me here with out my consent.
I wouldn't be here if i could live here with out him,
and love is his weapon."

Hey there, Rain. I'm SporkPunk, and I'll be reviewing this today.

Technical blahblahblah:

"I wish i could!
But i just dont think i can take the pain.
The knife i hold inside my hand,

"I" should to be capitalized, unless of course, it is for stylistic purposes. Meaning, you should decide what you want to do and not switch arbitrarily between the two, capitals and lowercase.

More than you caold have hoped" Could
I cry so loud the houses does shake, Houses do or house does
"But so unoriginal, not bold,
what will they sayabout that girl, say about
who overdoesed her cold?"overdosed

A few typos in this. Other than that, something to consider: How would your speaker overdose on a cold?
I didn't quite understand that.

"But he will" I quietly say with demise.

In this part, you try to use "demise" as an adverb. It's actually only able to be used as a noun or verb, and the adjective form is "demisable." I suggest finding an actual adverb for this part.

What it's actually about:
I like the almost schizophrenic speaker, that was clever. I think the subject matter was dealt with fairly well. There is room for improvement, one thing in particular I noticed. Would a genuinely suicidal person be concerned with the originality and boldness of their death? No. To tell you the truth, suicide is something I've dealt with personally...and the people in my life who have chosen to end it went the quickest, most convenient way they could have gone.

Other than that I liked this, and think it can definitely become a good poem.

~Sporks

Oh that was depressing.
it was in interesting read, though. Are the parts in red her conscience? Or, something different? Because, if I'm right, that that makes it even more intriguing, a battle of reason and will. Your flow was beautiful, and it was such a good read.
I really hope you aren't going through any of this.
~WickedWonder
(PM or write on my wall if you have anything.)

Ouch, the red writing hurts the eyes! But I see what you did there, there are other ways to show different points of view, and dramatic is supposed to be one persons point of view, at least that's what I've always been told.

Even if the word I isn't at the begining it still gets capitalised.

Don't put full sentances, (or even full words) in CAPITALE LETTERS. There are other ways to show the character is yelling.

Thank you everyone for the comments!
I wrote this poem this morning, then realized it was almost review so i hurried so i could make the cut, so I apologoze for the typos. yes the red and black wrinting is for the 2 voices in my head that are arguing. black is the suicidal, while red was the love.. As you can see the red Won. I wasnt exactly sure how to put it so you could tell it wasnt 2 people, but one person argueing with themself. Also I know forgetting to capitolize I is one of my downsfalls, so thanks for the comments
-Rain

Hey rain,

One quick suggestion to start this review with: when trying to separate threads/ideas, try either just breaking it up in stanzas or using italics: they're much less intrusive/distracting to read. The red mostly looks clumsy, and detracts from the piece itself.

You've already been told about the uncapitalized "I" issue, so I won't insist on it. Just remember, running spellcheck over your work never hurts, while leaving easy typos and mistakes (of which there are many here) will only make the reader more likely to stop reading early on.

The main issue here that I see, aside from the spelling, is that you tend to have clumsy sentence structures and a very poor flow. A few examples of the offending elements:

The knife i hold inside my hand,
I used to eat my food.
How can I take it all away
with such a barbaric tool?"

this part sounds forced, what with the inversion and the "such a barbaric tool". You're trying too hard. I think you could reword this in a way that would be much more pleasant to read without all that much trouble.

You'll go right to sleep, there will be no pain.
More than you caold have hoped

Transition between those two lines is too abrupt. Fix it.

I cry so loud the houses does shake,
"But so unoriginal, not bold,
what will they sayabout that girl,
who overdoesed her cold?"

First line sounds too exaggerated, and last line makes no sense.

"So take the gun, inside the box,
you know she never locks"

Who's "she"?

"I will just give me a sec, this house is to cold!"

Sounds plain bad. Rework this line.

"LIES" she yells,
"Dont you see? They're all excuses from you to me.
NO ONE WILL MISS YOU, NO ONE WILL CRY!"

Protip: allcaps look very bad, especially when you're already telling us she's yelling. You shouldn't even have to do so--as they say, show, don't tell.

The last part is the best of the poem, I find, though it flirts dangerously with clichés. Try reworking it a bit, polish it up so it has some measure of originality: you've got a bit of potential there, and to leave it as is would be a shame.

Hope this helps.

Jag

Hello there.

I really liked the poem. The internal conflict was good. Even thought I do see how people could misinterpret it and think there's too people.

"Just take it all away!"
"I wish i could!
But i just don't think I can take the pain.
The knife I hold inside my hand,
I used to eat my food.
How can I take it all away
with such a barbaric tool?"

You can probably add something like: this voice inside my head argued. Just say it at the beginning to so we know from the start. I don't know, it's just a idea.

Other than that, it was awesome.

Keep writing!

-Other One

rainistheskystears wrote:"You coward" I scream.
"Just take it all away!"
"I wish i could!
But i just dont think i can take the pain.
The knife i hold inside my hand,
I used to eat my food.
How can I take it all away
with such a barbaric tool?"
"Fine then" I say
"go grab the pills,
They're right beside the stove.
You'll go right to sleep, there will be no pain.
More than you caold have hoped"
I cry so loud the houses does shake,
"But so unoriginal, not bold,
what will they sayabout that girl,
who overdoesed her cold?"
"So take the gun, inside the box,
you know she never locks"
"I would but the mess, i cant leave that way,
the blood splattering the walls.
They will have nightmares about what I did in the halls."
"So get the rope you know so well,
the one you always hold."
"I will just give me a sec, this house is to cold!"
"LIES" she yells,
"Dont you see? They're all excuses from you to me.
NO ONE WILL MISS YOU, NO ONE WILL CRY!"
"But he will" I quietly say with demise.
"He waits there everyday for me,
even if he doesnt understand.
He loves me so, he tells me everyday.
and even though I hate myself for it,
I love him all the same.
I can not live with out his smile,
his chuckle or his laugh.
And if it weren't for him,
i already would have passed.
I guess what they say is true,
he keeps me here with out my consent.
I wouldn't be here if i could live here with out him,
and love is his weapon."

Hello,
if the red parts were part of the narrator's conscience, it would have been better if they were italicized instead.
The layout was a bit confusing, as well as the pronoun shifts. Like you used "I" at the first part, then you shifted to third person which was "she"...pick one. ) It's cool though to point out yourself in the third person. LOL

There are many ways to improve this poem.
The rhythm isn't very good. As well as the rhyming...maybe, next time, you could pick out your words more...take time...poetry really takes time, I know.
But overall, it's a very interesting poem...very dramatic...and the mystery man...ooh.. / haha..

Keep writing! /

First off, the subtlety in the poem is a good thing, not a bad thing. Keep it, don't get rid of it. You shouldn't provide exposition about what the poem means. Don't fall into the trap of writing endlessly "symbolic" fluff and saying that you're just too genius and no one understands what the poem means though. I'm not accusing you of it, but some people of YWS have done so and it's not a pretty thing. Keep a nice balance between subtlety and comprehension, as you have here.

However, the rhyming throughout all of this piece is forced, and it lessens the effect of the poem.

Things like:
the one you always hold."
"I will just give me a sec, this house is to cold!"
show what I mean, and things like this don't even make sense:

"But he will" I quietly say with demise.
What.

Rhyme is in no way necessary to a poem, unless you're going for a Dr. Seuss effect. It's certainly not necessary here, and if you can't make it work, don't worry about it. Just focus on imagery and wording. There are way too many lines that just sound bad because you've tried to make them rhyme. Try rewriting them so they sound good as prose or poem, and they aren't focused on rhyme but rather on wording and content.

The ending is rather thrown on as well, and it feels a bit... off. All of a sudden, she has a lover, and is apparently dependent on him in a creepy Twilight-esque way. This is a perfectly realistic thing of course, and plenty of depressed people I'm sure are hanging on just to be with the person they love. However, this is still strange, and it throws off the reader. It seems a bit sickly sweet as well compared to what the rest of this has been. It suddenly changes from morbid fantasies about suicide to "love is his weapon".

Altogether, this was a bit below alright for me. It could use a lot of improvement in several places, and then it would be a good piece. A minor oddity was having the character's voice in red, and her voice in her head trying to convince her to kill herself was in normal black. It should be the other way around.

Cheers, Aet.