The balance of the boys and girls was a perfect harmonie. But it was lost. Because the prince try to kill his sister. The queen call the guard to stop him and sent him away in a tower of the prison island, which people aren't allow to go near of it. The queen decides it to separate the entire boy's from the girl's. One land of boys and one land of girls. They were not allowed to step in each their land. I was just born in that day. The day they got separate. It happen twenty year's ago. I couldn't remember how my dad looks like. My mom named. Blackstar, cause I was born with a little black star in my right eye. She told me that some day, I would find my true love. I was hoping that the prince would forgive his sister and back himself in no time. Nine year later, but nothing hasn't change. Everything was still the same. Before my mom die, I was like four year old. She told me, it's up to me to save the prince and bring peace to this land. I may be reckless, rebellion, never had felling with anyone, never cry when my mom die and a thief girl. But, I have a promise to my mom. I have to save the prince and bring peace to this land. I may go to normal school until I found out, I have power. A stranger power. I though normal people don’t have power. I can summon any weapon, shoot fireball, control water, wind, fire and ground and I can change to a boy or another type of a girl. I decide to talk to the queen but she dies at her seventy-nine year older. Her daughter, Ashley, told me that all the girls have any kind of power. Mystery power that no ones where that came from. I'm usually alone until I met four girls: Juli, Terra, Nimue and Kira. They were always nice to me and always being there for me. But my hobbies are playing some video game, not girl stuff and skateboard with my skateboard. My friends always say that I act like a boy but I ignored them with that sound of "I act like a boy"
Last edited by Naydy on Wed Dec 01, 2010 2:07 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Tear down! the walls that will surround Cry out! above the burning sound Show me! how bleeding hearts still pound If we stand together,we will be unbroken!
Tear down! the walls that will surround Cry out! above the burning sound Show me! how bleeding hearts still pound If we stand together,we will be unbroken!
Woah woah woah! Slow down! You just spit four chapters worth of story into one paragraph! I think I got whip-lash.
Other than the multitude of spelling and grammar mistakes, this has a few issues.
1. I was confused right from the start. Why did the queen decide to separate the boys and girls? How much time has passed? Where are they? Etc.
2. You switch from 3rd person (point of view) to 1st person half-way through.
3. Your story hops around a lot, there is not rhythm to it. It is extremely choppy and garbled.
Try expanding on one idea at a time, don't just try to throw them all together at once. Give us some background and then start in on the story, perhaps. On the other hand, I liked your idea of separate islands. It sounds interesting .
YOu have grammar mistakes in there that can be found just re-reading your work. Also, slow it down and add description, emotion, anything and everything to make a story great. That could possibly been a nice little novella, but you stuffed everything into one paragrah. Go back, add detail and emotion. Keep Writing ~WickedWonder
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'
I'll be pretty honest. Your story has completely threw me off just by reading you introductory line. You tend to jump tenses a bit. Remember, if your verb's all in the past form, then I suggest that you stick with it, throughout the story. Also, spell out the numbers, it's more interesting and formal to read that in number forms. For example, change "5" to "five". Also, I have seen a lot of problems especially when it comes to your spellings and grammar and to mention your punctuations. So all in all, I think you should spell check and reread your piece once again and know your errors. I'll be reviewing this piece again once you have edited this one. PM me for questions.
Keep writing!
~yuri
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense."-Sherrel Wigal
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