Dancing Away The Night

Dancing Away The Night

That's really good! Your a very talented writer!

Hey there, Tigersprite. I love the idea of this poem. It's kind of like a hershey's kiss. You just get a little taste of what you want, you know? But...

As a whole, I didn't like this poem that much. I think that it didn't have that extra little kick you need for it to be quality poetry. Here are some ways you can make it better:

1) Your rhythm. I had problems reading this poem because of your rhythm. Some of the lines didn't fit with others. Try reading it out loud. If something doesn't flow right off of your tongue, it probably needs to be changed. Look at my edited copy below of your poem for examples.

2) Description. A lot of times, the description was repeated and unnecessary. You describe the first dance, on the first night, and then you go on to the second night, and they do the same thing. This is more of a story being told about you dancing with... spirits of the night(?) and you don't really give me an image of what these spirits look like, or how they dance, or what your dance is for. That's a key point in your success.

3) Rhyme Scheme. I'm going to be quite honest... the rhyming didn't really make sense to me! Some stanzas you were pretty strict about rhyming and then others you completely threw it out the window. I would go back through your poem and either cut all they rhyming out or make sure it all fits in the right places.

TIGERSPRITE wrote:Dancing Away The Night

They called me as I wasat my bedroom window,
My kindred, amigo.
They called me to the forest under the moonlight clearing,
Ere I went, ere I go.

Just wondering... was "amigo" put in there to rhyme? It doesn't really fit in with the rest of the stanza, let alone any of the poem. I would change the word, just so you're going with your theme.
Your repetition of "they called me" also is an *unlike* for me because it takes up valuable description space in your poem. Say it in the first line, but then extend on what their voices sounded like when they called in the third.

TIGERSPRITE wrote:We ate our shares
And started our play
We danced away the night, when
Morn came they ran away
And thus I returned, happy and gay

This is where the rhythm starts getting all weird. The first two lines are fine, but the third is messing me up. Here's what I'd do to fix it:

"We danced away the night,
but when morning came they could not stay
and thus I returned, happy and gay."

TIGERSPRITE wrote:The very next night
I cast aside
All human qualities, again to dance
And play with my kindred kind

Again, rhythm. Poetry needs flow, and this is too choppy for [me]. Also, some stronger adjectives could be used.

"The following night
I cast away my human mind
again to dance with my kindred kind."

I really would like to see what this poem turns into. With a little more time, it could be amazing! Like I said before, you just need to go over it and check up on your rhythm, rhyme scheme, and description. Make it appealing, like chocolate! I'd love for you to PM me if you have any questions, comments, or concerns about my review. Also, please do notify me when you edit this, I'd love to re-review it!

Love,
Fixed

(I lovveeee chocolate!)

Hello! I enjoyed reading this very much and the idea is so sweet and charming. I think that it would be better in stanza form, maybe. I like the ryhme scheme. It flowed nicely. Also, the descriptions were nice. I love the fact that you added mythical creatures to the poem. It adds a sense of folklore and fairytales. Nice job.
~Ballerina