Light and Shadow - Chapter 2

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Chapter 2 – New

Things will never stay the same and soon, we shall realize it.

- Avicrus, the Lord of Light


The world of Neitheris had kept on spinning and revolving, and there would be no ceasing. The next lunar eclipse was rumoured to happen in Vox that day, the place closest to the Shadow region, and Xombreil Ande had promised himself to go out of the house and look at the sky the coming night.

“But how can you see it, Xombreil?” asked Eluna. “The moon will be as dark as the sky.”

Her brother paused for a while, thinking. He was standing a foot before Eluna, looking up to the sky. They stood idly in front of their wooden bungalow home, which was found on top of a lonesome hill at the Southern edge of the Voxan region.

“I don’t know…” he ultimately answered in a low voice, showing no expression.

Eluna stepped a bit forward and held Xombreil’s right hand with hers, their birth marks – a white circle at the centre of Eluna’s palm and a black one on Xombreil’s – opposite of one another.

“Let’s go back now,” she said as she slightly pulled her brother’s hand.

Xombreil gave his mysterious stare again at her, creepy like a watching owl.

“I smell lunch!” she continued with a sudden grin on her face, pushing the unexpected awkwardness from her mind.

Finally, they went back inside the lonely house.

Fear crept into Eluna. Thoughts of the upcoming evening darkness were unbearable for her.

At least, the stars will still be there, she thought, comforting herself.

A vision then came to her – The half moon…through the four corners of a window…the sound of a baby crying. She always had that vision and had always wondered why that vision kept on coming back to her, but yet, didn’t ask her loving aunt.

Well, maybe their Aunt Mella has already said something, like the story of their birth. It was just the same as her vision. Mella told them she was born a few minutes before her brother…seeing light before he did. She also mentioned their parents. She said that they were gone but she would not tell how and where they went. Poor little, innocent kids, they didn’t know the actual truth. Whenever some of the other kids in the village down the hill would ask or talk about parents, Eluna and Xombreil would simply keep themselves quiet.

These memories came into Eluna’s mind through lunch, and Xombreil wondered why his sister was unusually silent. Maybe the thought of the lunar eclipse bothered her. Maybe it was her love of light, especially of the moon.

Xombreil waved his hand right in front of Eluna’s blank face across the wooden table.

“Luna,” he called her by nickname.

Eluna was surprised, her eyes widening.

“What is it, Breil?” she unconsciously asked.

“Nothing,” he replied as he put arm down. “You were just…quiet.”

“Oh,” she said, still fuzzy.

“Finish eating your food now, Eluna,” said their aunt as she spooned the last of her meal into her mouth.

“Okay,” she finally said.

The three sat still inside the dining area. Their momentary silence echoed through the solitude of their home. The unpainted wooden walls remained indifferent. On the other hand, the living room happily greeted the warm, calm sunlight through the open door. The chimes hung rang as the breeze blew every now and then. Nearly everything in their house was made of wood.

A painting of a giant crescent moon, which swam in midnight blue, hung majestically on the wall of the twins’ bedroom, facing the latter’s two beds. Eluna always enjoyed looking at this painting. She always felt that she had this strange connection with the moon, but no one was able to explain this to her.

“Where are our parents, Aunt Mella?” Eluna asked, moments after they walked from the dining area to the living room. She was sitting with their aunt in between of her and her brother.

The old question was asked again since a month ago. The lady looked at the odd carvings on the wooden furniture they were sitting on as she paused to think of an answer. The twins simply looked at her as they waited. In the end, she answered the same—

“They’re gone, Eluna,” she said with a weak, persuading tone.

“But- “

“I,” the anxious lady cut the questioning with an excuse as usual, “forgot to wash the dishes.”

She stood up and went back to the kitchen, the twins following her with their eyes. Xombreil then looked at Eluna and the latter just raised her shoulders in response.

- - -


The following night, Xombreil excitedly rushed outside and looked at the night sky. Only a few stars were visible, but still twinkled with all their might.

“Xombreil, wait up!” called Eluna from behind as she went out the door.

She looked up and was relieved that there were still stars that can be seen in the sky.

“Whew,” she uttered. “I thought it was going to be really black. Well, what are you looking for?”

“I actually have no idea, Luna,” he naively admitted, still looking at the heavens like he was searching it for something.

The blurry dark-looking things which were actually clouds seemed to have started moving away. The light of the remaining visible stars were coincidentally devoured by the movement of the clouds. An area in the sky was completely black.

“Aw,” Eluna silently mumbled in displeasure from behind.

Xombreil thought the moon was there, but gave no light. The darkness and crept and crawled and lingered. It grew and grew – The shadow of Neitheris on the surface of the moon was impenetrable.

The boy’s blond hair and his brown eyes turned black. His face was firm and he stood like an immovable statue. His birth mark was as dark as the void moon. The wind circled like a tornado. Eluna started to worry and get scared. Panic-stricken, she shouted—

“Xombreil, what’s happening!?”

Receiving no response, she shouted louder—

“Xombreil!”

- - -


Echoes – The name echoed again and again. And, Avicrus, the Lord of Light, did nothing but stare at the crystal ball, this time, with trembling eyes…
Last edited by Caerulean on Thu Sep 30, 2010 10:46 am, edited 5 times in total.
“(...) and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” - Gandalf, The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring




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Hey Whisperer!

Thanks for letting me know you put more up! I enjoyed this chapter, it was really interesting. I like the end, especially, very exciting! It makes me want to read more, which is definitely good. I really like the interactions between Eluna and Xombreil, very childlike and it fits their characters very well.

On to the nitpicks!

He was standing a foot afar from and before Eluna, looking up to the sky.

The bolded part is really confusing. It could be said as simply as "a foot away from" or "a foot in front of".

Xombreil gave his mysterious stare again at her.

What is his mysterious stare like? When did he do it the first time (as he does it again here)? Since it seems like such a prominant aspect of Xombreil's personality to have this mysterious stare, it's good to give the reader a little better imagery about it. Think about what his stare specifically looks like, his facial expressions, how he holds his body.

“Luna,” he called by nickname.

Perhaps you mean he caller her by her nickname?

The unpainted wooden walls remained indifferent. On the other hand, the living room greeted the warm, calm sunlight through the open door. The chimes hung rang as the breeze blew every now and then. The bedrooms were at the opposite location of the kitchen and the dining area while the living room was at the middle. The twins’ bedroom faced both the bathroom and their aunt’s bedroom. Nearly everything in their house was made of wood.

A painting of a giant crescent moon, which swam in midnight blue, hung majestically on the wall of the twins’ bedroom, facing the latter’s two beds. Eluna always enjoyed looking at this painting. She always felt that she had this strange connection with the moon, but no one was able to explain this to her.

There is a lot of unneccesary description here, but luckily it's good description that can be used later in the story. At this point in the story, they are only in the kitchen and the living room (though I don't know how they got to the living room from the kitchen, maybe you should include something about them changing rooms? ;)) The description about their bedroom can be used later if they actually enter the bedroom. Also, I wouldn't worry about the precise placement about rooms unless your characters move from one room to another (it should always be consistent where the rooms are in relation to each other)

I would condese that info into something like this:
The unpainted wooden walls remained indifferent; nearly everything in the house was made of wood. When they moved to the living room,though, they were greeted the warm, calm sunlight through the open door. The chimes hanging in the doorwar rang as the breeze blew every now and then.

Or something like that, in your own words of course! :D

“Where are our parents, Aunt Mella?” Eluna asked, sitting beside her aunt and her brother on the other side of the couch.

Yeah, I mentioned this before. How did they get to the living room from the kitchen?

Echoes – The name echoed again and again. And, Avicrus, the Lord of Light, did nothing but stare at the crystal ball, but this time,with trembling eyes…

I would cut out the bit with the strike through it. In my opinion, it creates a more subtle and compelling change in mood. So the reader kind of picks up on something bad happening without being outright told that what is happening now is making Avicrus more nervous than what was happening before.

Again, I enjoyed this chapter and am excited to see where it goes. Definitely let me know when you post more and I'll come review again!

Good job and keep writing!

-Lauren-
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Hey Whisper! Thanks for the pm, I'm here to review!

Nitpicks

“I don’t know…” he ultimately and blankly answered in a low voice.

I think this is a bit overdone. I suggest taking out either ultimately or blankly. Or you can always switch around the words a little. For example:
"I don't know..." he ultimately answered with a blank expression.
Whenever some of the other kids in the village down the hill ask about their parents or talk about their own parents, Eluna and Xombreil would simply keep themselves quiet.

I think this sentence was worded awkwardly :(
“I,” the anxious lady cut the questioning with an excused as usual, “forgot to wash the dishes.”

Excused what? I think you should put something after that :)

So in the end, I didn't have many nitpicks, there were a few things I wanted to mention but Lauren already got to them.
But, there is one thing I did notice. You brought forth a lot more description and it was good but I felt like this chapter did drag a bit...unfortunately, but still it was nice and I seriously liked the ending! I mean, I don't know exactly what is going on but it's interesting nonetheless. Some of your wording was weird in this one, maybe you were trying to force it a little, try to make things flow a little better, I guess. Other than that, there isn't anything else I want to say. PM me when you post more :D

~Pink
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Alo, guess who's back?!?! *laughs evilly, then sighs*

The world of Neitheris had kept on spinning and revolving, replace revolving with something else, or scrap it completely. Revolving sounds too... rough, but then again it implies that its turning around something, and in the next sentence you talk about a eclipse...I would replace it (:) and it reminds me of revolting:))and there would be no stopping.Here, either say"...there would be no stopping it" or "...and it would not be stopping".The next lunar eclipse was rumoured to happen Maybe occur?in the Vox region that day, the place closest to the Shadow region, and Xombreil Ande Don't add his surname, it sounds too formal had promised himself to go out of the house and look at the sky the coming night.

“But how can you see it, Xombreil?” asked Eluna. “The moon will be as dark as the sky.”

Her brother paused for a while, thinking. He was standing a foot before Eluna, looking up to the sky. They stood idly in front of their wooden bungalow home, which was found on top of a lonesome hill at the Southern edge of the Voxan region.

“I don’t know…” he ultimately answered in a low voice, showing no expression.

Eluna stepped a bit forward and held Xombreil’s right hand with hers, their birth marks – a white circle at the centre of Eluna’s palm and a black one on Xombreil’s – opposite of one another.OOOh i wuv it when authors make interesting connections between MC's!

“Let’s go back now,” she said as she slightly pulled her brother’s hand.

Xombreil gave his mysterious stare again at her, creepy like a watching owl.

“I smell lunch!” she continued with a sudden grin on her face, pushing the unexpected awkwardness from her mind.

Finally, they went back inside the lonely house.

Fear crept into Eluna. Thoughts of the upcoming evening darkness were unbearable for her.

At least, the stars will still be there, she thought, comforting herself.

A vision then came to her – The half moon…through the four corners of a window…the sound of a baby crying. She always had that vision and had always wondered why that vision kept on coming back to her, but yet, didn’t ask her loving aunt.

Well, maybe their Aunt Mella has already said something, like the story of their birth. It was just the same as her vision. Mella told them she was born a few minutes before her brother…seeing light before he did. She also mentioned their parents. She said that they were gone but she would not tell how and where they went. Poor little, innocent kids, they didn’t know the actual truth. Whenever some of the other kids in the village down the hill would ask or talk about parents, Eluna and Xombreil would simply keep themselves quiet.

These memories came into Eluna’s mind through lunch, and Xombreil wondered why his sister was unusually silent. Maybe the thought of the lunar eclipse bothered her. Maybe it was her love of light, especially of the moon.

Xombreil waved his hand right in front of Eluna’s blank face across the wooden table.

“Luna,” he called her by nickname.

Eluna was surprised, her eyes widening.

“What is it, Breil?” she unconsciously asked.

“Nothing,” he replied as he put arm down. “You were just…quiet.”

“Oh,” she said, still fuzzy.

“Finish your food now, Eluna,”For some reason that sentance sounds stange. I think its worded awkwardly said their aunt as she spooned the last of her meal into her mouth.

“Okay,” she said finally said.

The three sat still inside the dining area. Their momentary silence echoed through the solitude of their home. The unpainted wooden walls remained indifferent. On the other hand, the living room happily greeted the warm, calm sunlight through the open door. The chimes hung rang as the breeze blew every now and then. Nearly everything in their house was made of wood.

A painting of a giant crescent moon, which swam in midnight blue, hung majestically on the wall of the twins’ bedroom, facing the latter’s two beds. Eluna always enjoyed looking at this painting. She always felt that she had this strange connection with the moon, but no one was able to explain this to her.

“Where are our parents, Aunt Mella?” Eluna asked, moments after they walked from the dining area to the living room. She was sitting with their aunt in between of her and her brother. On what were they siting?

The old question was asked again since a month ago. The lady looked at the odd carvings on the wooden furniture maybe here would be a good place to add something like ...wooden furniture they were sitting on... if they are sitting on something wooden with carvings in it as she paused to think of an answer. The twins simply looked at her as they waited. In the end, she answered the same—

“They’re gone, Eluna,” she said with a weak, persuading tone.

“But- “

“I,” the anxious lady cut the questioning with an excuse as usual, “forgot to wash the dishes.”

She stood up and went back to the kitchen, the twins following her with their eyes. Xombreil then looked at Eluna and the latter just raised her shoulders in response.

- - -


The following night, Xombreil excitedly rushed outside and looked at the night sky. Only a few stars were visible, but still twinkled with all their might.

“Xombreil, wait up!” called Eluna from behind as she went out the door.

She looked up and was relieved that there were still stars that can be seen in the sky.

“Whew,” she uttered. “I thought it was going to be really black. Well, what are you looking for?”

“I actually have no idea, Luna,” he naively admitted, still looking at the heavens like he was searching it for something.

The blurry dark-looking things which were actually clouds seemed to have started moving away. The light of the remaining visible stars were coincidentally devoured by the movement of the clouds. An area in the sky was completely black.

“Aw,” Eluna silently mumbled in displeasure from behind.

Xombreil thought the moon was there, but gave no light. The darkness and crept and crawled and lingered. It grew and grew – The shadow of Neitheris on the surface of the moon was impenetrable.

The boy’s blond hair and his brown eyes turned black. His face was firm and he stood like an immovable statue. His birth mark was as dark as the void moon. Eluna started to worry and get scared. Panic-stricken, she shouted— I think the first time should be more of a scared whisper or mutter or something, then the second a shout, though it wouldn't actually be all that random, it seems random if its completely silent then she breaks it with a shout. Or maybe you can bring a wind in or something to create a little bit of noise before she shouts

“Xombreil, what’s happening!?”

Receiving no response, she shouted louder—

“Xombreil!”

- - -


Echoes – The name echoed again and again. And, Avicrus, the Lord of Light, did nothing but stare at the crystal ball, this time, with trembling eyes…


Ohhh scary ending! Yay! Over all I liked this quite a bit, one thing I noticed is that you keep saying things like:
The following night, Xombreil excitedly rushed outside and looked at the night sky.


and (I think) It would sound better if you moved swapped the two, so it would be; "The following night Xombreil rushed outside excitedly" ...wow that doesn't sound much better, but you get what I mean. Ooohhh but I like the scary suspense!
So stadig loop ons deur die pers Jakarandas wat val,die bome word kaal Pa staar na die beeld van Botha wat reis op sy perd,Hy wonder was bloed soveel werd.Soveel jare dra hy aan die naam van 'n plek,Soveel jare moet ons nou laat gaan,Is die naam dan so erg,so bitter en sleg?Hoekom gooi jul dit weg?



Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.
— Nelson Mandela