Captive (Part I)

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Summary:

In the cold, isolated forests of 16th-century Europe, a lord takes a boy prisoner. As an unexpectedly tender relationship develops between captor and captive, resentment and distrust grow into warmth and trust in a pair of hearts that were once achingly empty.

It aims to be a sensitive portrayal of a tender, if fragile, relationship that grows between two characters because of mutual loneliness as well as an intense longing for companionship. As a tentative trust develops between the two characters, the dynamics of their captor-captive relationship continually change as power is given, taken, and shared. As their bond deepens, the boy finds a new kind of freedom in his captivity and the man finds redemption for a brutal crime he committed.

I would greatly appreciate any feedback and am looking forward to reading and critiquing other people's work. I am no history expert, so I'm sure there are historical inaccuracies, but I'm looking for feedback concerning the writing, not the historical facts. Thanks in advance to everyone who takes a look.




Chapter 1

They needed the boy.

They had spotted the boy and his older, larger companion resting in a clearing. Both were bedraggled, clothes torn and dirty, and looked exhausted. The companion seemed to be examining a wound on the boy’s left side. The lord and his men surrounded the two travelers.

The man sprung to his feet; the boy he was with got to his feet more slowly, heavily favoring his left ankle. The man pointed his gun at the group of advancing men and fired. His shot missed; one of the lord’s men pulled his trigger and hit him squarely in the chest. The boy let out a shocked scream as his companion twisted and crumpled to the ground.

The lord could see the despair and panic in the boy’s face as he fell to his knees beside the man and touched the bubbling wound on his chest, trying to quell the flow of blood, to no avail. His fingers became drenched with blood. His companion gurgled a little and then was still, leaving the boy alone.

The lord locked eyes with the boy, knowing he was finally his to take. The boy looked back into the man’s eyes, anger and fear blazing in his own. The lord and his men moved toward the boy. The boy, still on his knees, quickly picked up his fallen companion’s gun and pointed it at the lord. The lord’s men immediately trained their guns on the boy. The lord put up his hand to signal them to wait for his order. He didn’t want the boy shot.

The boy stared at him, breathing hard, pointing the gun at him. The lord took a step closer; the boy didn’t move, his arms shaking. The lord said clearly to the boy, “You can take a shot at me, but my men will shoot you before you’ve even pulled the trigger. There are three of them, and I know they won’t miss. They’ll kill you. They can put you in the ground right now, or you can drop the gun and come with me,” he reasoned. As his words captured the boy’s attention, one of the lord’s men slowly moved around behind the boy.

The boy glanced down at his dead companion, utterly alone and unprotected. He slowly looked back up into the lord’s eyes, his own filled with tears that threatened to spill onto his cheeks. “Come with me. Come here,” the lord said more gently. With no response from the boy, he continued in a more threatening tone: “You have nowhere to go. We will hunt you, and you will be captured. Come willingly with me now and you won’t be hurt.” The boy looked into the lord’s eyes, clearly distrustful of him.

After a few tense moments the boy lowered his gun slightly but did not drop it. He didn’t want the lord to come any closer; he needed time to think. At the boy’s submission the lord took a few aggressive steps toward him. The boy quickly raised the gun again in defense. He didn’t want to be taken. The lord was almost close enough to touch the boy. He could see the sweat trickling down his dirt-stained cheeks.

While the boy’s attention was focused on the advancing lord, one of the lord’s men came up behind him and grabbed him. He locked his strong arms around the boy, pinning the boy’s arms against his body. With one arm holding the boy, he used the other to twist the boy’s wrist until he dropped the gun. The other men shifted their positions to form a circle around them.

The man had two restraining arms across the boy’s chest, holding him against him. The boy bent his arms at the elbows and gripped the man’s arms. He struggled against his captor, his eyes still on the lord who was now only feet away from him.

At the boy’s resistance the lord nodded and one of his men rummaged around in a bag and produced a needle. He prepared the sedative in front of the boy and waited for the lord’s instructions.

The man was holding the boy so tightly he was having trouble breathing. Every time he inhaled to draw breath it seemed that the man tightened his arm around his stomach. Eventually the boy stopped struggling and was still.

“I’ll hold him,” said the lord. The boy was released for an instant before he was pushed into the lord’s body, his face pressed against his chest. The lord moved his hands around the boy’s back to feel for any weapons. With the boy against him, he could feel the frantic beat of his heart, like a caged animal.

The boy felt the lord lift his shirt to expose his back and felt his hand on his bare skin. He flinched slightly but didn’t resist. He felt another man’s hand on his lower back and a sharp, aching pain, but he didn’t struggle. The lord’s hand was still on his back, holding him. Darkness started to encompass his vision. He felt himself forced down onto his knees as his body weakened, and then he knew no more.

Җ

The lord carried the unconscious boy into the drawing room of the manor house and laid his supple form down on a couch. He had one of his men light the candles in the room. “Bring towels,” he instructed another man as he sat down beside the boy.

The lord pulled the boy across his lap, supporting his head. He removed his dirtied, bloodied shirt and carefully examined the wound on his left side. It was long and ragged and stretched from mid-torso to hip. The lord lightly touched the swollen, blood-streaked skin with his fingers. The boy had needed stitches days ago. Now he would have to re-open the wound in order to properly clean it.

He wrapped the boy’s bare upper body in a towel and carried him to the examination table in the infirmary. He could close the wound himself and then send for the doctor in the morning. He had his men bring alcohol, water, soap, cloths, ointment, a needle and thread, and clean wound dressings. He waited for the water to heat on the fire. The boy wasn’t in pain anymore now that he was unconscious, so they had time. While he was waiting the lord removed the rest of the boy’s soiled clothes.

After the water heated the lord held a warm cloth against the boy’s side, applying light pressure. After he soaked the wound he worked soap into the abscess, cleaning gently with his fingers. He carefully washed the wound, removing the fresh, gelled blood as well as the dried blood. He rinsed the soap out of the wound by dribbling water over his side and then dried it with a towel.

Now he prepared to close the wound. He dabbed a bit of alcohol on it and held the needle over the fire for a couple seconds to sterilize it. He pierced the skin with the needle and began sewing. Soon his hands were stained and glutinous scarlet blood was smeared across the boy’s torso. After some concentration he tightened the stitches and tied them off. The white thread was stained a crimson color. He washed the tender, swollen area with warm water once more and dried it with a towel.

The lord thoroughly coated his fingers with ointment and carefully rubbed them over the closed wound. He moved his fingers slowly and delicately, not wanting to rupture the fresh stitches. When he had finished coating the boy’s wound he dressed it with clean cloths. He knew that the wound would pain the boy in the morning. The boy’s ankle, swollen and bruised, looked badly sprained, but there was little to do about that. If anything, it would make escape more difficult.

The lord wrapped a clean towel around the boy and lifted him off the table. He held him gently in his arms, careful not to touch the bandaged wound. He carried him upstairs to a guest bedroom and laid him on the bed. After rummaging in the bureau he produced nightclothes that the boy could wear. He dressed him and laid him on his back, head on the pillow, and pulled the covers over his body.

The lord sat on the bed next to the sleeping boy, looking down at him. The boy’s face was relaxed and peaceful, so different from earlier that day. The lord touched his cheek lightly with his hand. His skin was warm but not feverish. He let his fingers linger on the boy’s warm skin for an extra moment before getting up from the bed, closing the door quietly, and turning the lock.

Җ

The boy slowly regained consciousness. He woke lying in bed, surrounded by darkness. His body ached and he was disoriented. He wasn’t sure where he was or how much time had passed since he had been fully conscious. When he tried to sit up he felt a throbbing pain in his left side. He lay back down and gingerly fingered the bandage covering the wound. The bandage felt wet and the slight pressure from his hand hurt. He winced and moved his hand to rest on his stomach.

One of the first things he became aware of was the heavy rain outside. He listened to it lash the roof and the window to the right of the bed. It had a constant, reassuring beat. He couldn’t hear anything above it. It blanketed all other noise and was like a cloak sheltering him as he lay there in the dark. He felt protected. He lay listening to the rain’s steady pounding.

He turned his head to the side so that his right cheek rested on the pillow. He watched the rain pelt the window, a witness to the night’s beauty. The faint glow of the moon, like a gently smoldering ember, illuminated the streaming torrents that fell from the heavens. He watched the individual droplets of water on the panes, trickling down the glass like tears. He gazed out of the window into the weeping night.

As he watched the tears fall from the sky he remembered. The crack of the bullet. His shocked scream as his companion fell. His fingers bathed in blood. The lord. His own anger and fear. Struggling against the strong arms that restrained him. The sharp sting of the needle. Falling onto his knees. And then nothing. Nothing except darkness. Just like now.

The boy felt too numb to cry, like he had been drained of all emotion along with his energy and spirit. He rolled over onto his right side. He bent slightly at the knees and brought his legs up under him, tucking his hands against his chest. Shivering, he pulled at the covers around him, seeking warmth.

But as he lay there unmoving he felt the bitter night air begin to creep into his bones, its cruel, insistent fingers probing and working their way into his soul. He couldn’t seem to shake this feeling; this feeling in the pit of his stomach, like he had swallowed an ice cube and it was slowly trickling down his throat and through his insides. This recognition that his companion had been killed but he had been spared, for a reason he didn't yet understand.



Chapter 2

“He bled a lot last night. When did you treat the wound?”
“We only found him yesterday. I had to re-open the wound so I could clean and close it properly.”
“This injury is not recent. It looks days old. If you hadn’t found him, he would have fallen to infection or been felled by the elements, whichever claimed him first.”
“I know. That’s why I needed to find him.”
“Was he traveling alone?”
“No; he had a servant with him; a bodyguard of sorts. He must have carried him some of the way. I don’t think he could have made it that far on that ankle.”
“Where is—”
“He’s no longer accompanying the boy.”

The boy heard their voices for a few moments before opening his eyes. He slowly came back to consciousness. He had been in a very deep sleep, exhausted from the trials of the past few days. It was daytime but the light coming in from the window was muted. The sky was gray and portended snow. The faces of the lord and a man he assumed was the doctor looked down at him, studying him. He tried to sit up but was immediately pierced with a stab of raw pain from his left side. The lord gently but firmly pushed him back down into the pillows. “No; stay still,” he instructed. The boy obeyed, having little choice in the matter. He laid back submissively and let himself be handled, not making eye contact with either man. He had lost enough blood to weaken and subdue him. He was not relaxed, but compliant; he knew he didn’t have the strength to struggle with either man.

He wondered how long the two men had been there, sitting beside him while he slept, examining him. The bottom of his shirt had been pushed up to expose his abdomen and the band of his pants had been slipped down slightly to give access to his hip. The doctor had already unwrapped the soiled bandage from his side and had cleaned the wound, using cloths to soak up the fresh blood that had come in the night. The crimson-streaked cloths lay beside him on the bed, the red color contrasting sharply with the white sheets. The doctor meticulously coated his fingers with ointment. He touched the raw, tender skin and the boy jumped, lifting his back off the bed. The lord placed his hand on his chest to hold him still while the doctor treated him. When the doctor gently rubbed his fingers over the sore wound again the boy squeezed his eyes shut and gritted his teeth against the throbbing ache he felt. The doctor’s hands were cold and probing as they spread ointment over his stitches, but the boy gradually relaxed his muscles as he ascertained that neither the lord nor the doctor intended to hurt him at present. When he had finished lubricating the wound the doctor dressed it with fresh bandages. The lord helped him wrap the cloth around the boy’s slim torso.

The doctor pulled back the sheets on the bed and gently retracted the boy’s left leg. He rolled up the leg of his pants to mid-calf and gently held his ankle. It was badly bruised and swollen, but he had little capacity to treat sprained limbs. It would simply require time to heal. “He shouldn’t put weight on this ankle until it heals,” he told the lord. The doctor slipped his arm behind the boy’s back and helped him to a sitting position. He reached over to the nightstand beside the bed and held a glass of water for the boy to drink. He raised the glass to the boy’s lips and the boy drank without prompting, finishing the water.

“Thank you, doctor. Leave us now,” the lord said. The boy watched the doctor leave the room. Now he was left alone with the lord. He felt more comfortable when the doctor was there too, because he didn’t have to interact directly with the lord. He averted his eyes, looking down at his hands. Yesterday they had been covered with his friend’s blood, but today they were unblemished. It was clear they had been cleaned, just as the blood stains on his body had.

Spreading ointment on his fingers, the lord reached out to touch a cut over the boy’s left eye. The boy immediately recoiled from the touch, making it clear that he did not want contact. The lord looked at the boy questioningly.

“You killed him,” the boy said in a strangled whisper, finally looking at the lord.
“You know I had no choice,” said the lord. “I didn’t kill him, and I didn’t give the order. My men did that on their own. I’m sorry that you had to see that.”
“You didn’t have to kill him.”
“Would you have come willingly?”
The boy ignored the question. “Did you bury him, or did you just leave him out there in the open?” he asked urgently, his voice going up an octave.
The man broke his gaze. “We didn’t bury him.”

The boy looked indignant and disgusted. He made to turn his body away from the lord but the lord held him in front of him as he continued speaking.
“There was no time to bury your servant. It was dusk. If we hadn’t found you last night, you surely would have frozen to death out there. The temperature dropped considerably.”
The boy didn’t respond; hot tears brimming in his eyes. The lord’s eyes searched for the boy’s, but the boy wouldn’t look at him.
“I am no barbarian,” the lord insisted. “Would you have rather died out there?” When the boy said nothing, the lord commanded, “Answer me, Tristan.”
He watched the momentary shock on the boy’s face at hearing his own name. Tristan met the lord’s eyes. “No,” he said quietly.

The lord reached out toward the cut on Tristan’s eye again. Tristan hesitated for a moment but then allowed the lord to touch his face. The lord pushed the boy’s mahogany hair off of his forehead. The cut above his eye marred the beauty of his porcelain skin. The lord used the tip of his finger to rub a bit of ointment into the cut. His hands were cold, but they were gentle.

“Who are you?” asked Tristan as he felt the lord’s fingers lightly brush his cheek. He raised his hazel eyes to meet the lord’s.
“My name is Matthias,” said the lord.
“Why are you doing this?” Tristan asked.
“Your father—”
“My father is dead,” Tristan snapped.
“Your stepfather—”
“I do not call him Father,” the boy interjected.
“He has taken something that belongs to me.”
Tristan carefully watched Matthias for further information.
“How old are you?” Matthias asked the boy sitting before him.
Surprised by the question, Tristan considered the man next to him before answering. “Almost sixteen.”
“My friend’s son is ten years old,” said Matthias. “Younger than you. His name is Faran. He was taken by your stepfather and I need to get him back. Alive and unharmed.”
Tristan saw aching sadness in the man’s eyes, but he also detected fierce anger in them. Matthias’s intent to protect this boy was strong, and threatening to any and all who stood in his way. Tristan turned away from him.
“Do you understand my meaning?” Matthias asked.
“I understand,” Tristan said quietly.

Җ

That evening Matthias returned to the guest bedroom with food. He sat down on the bed beside the boy and set the tray of food on the nightstand. Tristan sat up gingerly when the man entered the room, his injured side protesting at the movement. His mouth watered and his stomach grumbled as he looked at the meat and cheese on the tray. He hadn’t had a proper meal in days. He immediately noticed a knife tucked inside a cloth napkin on the tray. He felt a sickening flood of excitement in his belly. He quickly averted his eyes from the blade and waited for his opportunity. It was automatic, this instinct to protect himself, just like he would when his stepfather hit him.

When Matthias turned his back for a moment, Tristan noiselessly slid his left arm toward the nightstand until his fingers touched cold metal. He carefully grasped the knife in his fingers, tucking the utensil flat against his palm. He brought his hand close to his body and placed his palm flat against the mattress, concealing the blade.

Matthias turned back toward him. “Give it to me,” he growled quietly, locking eyes with Tristan. When the boy feigned innocence he roughly grabbed his left arm. He felt his muscles tense under his fingers, resisting him. “You’re hurting me,” Tristan implored, glaring at the man reproachfully. “Don’t. Just—don’t,” said Matthias unsympathetically. He refused to play games with the boy. Despite his warning, Tristan struggled. He was strong, but he could not overpower a full-grown man, especially when he was weakened by his injuries. Matthias reached for Tristan’s hand. Tristan impulsively closed his hand around the knife and the blade cut deep into his palm. He inhaled sharply and the blade clattered to the floor. He closed his hand to protect his wound, already dripping blood on the sheets. Matthias forced Tristan’s fingers to unclasp, holding his hand open, and examined the deep slice in his palm. “Damn you!” he said angrily, grabbing the cloth napkin and wrapping it around the boy’s bloody hand. Tristan bit his lip to avoid gasping when the man roughly tightened the cloth to stop the flow of blood. Even so blood blossomed on the cloth.

After Matthias knotted the cloth around his hand, Tristan met his eyes uncertainly. Matthias returned his uneasy gaze for a moment and then slapped him, connecting with his left cheekbone. Tristan turned his head at the sting, squeezing his watering eyes shut for a moment. He knew he deserved this, and the man could have done much worse to him, but to be slapped felt like an injustice, an embarrassment. Against his better judgment, he kicked out at the man with his uninjured foot.

He knew immediately that he had made a mistake. In an instant Matthias’s arm was pressed hard against his chest, pinning him flat against the bed. His arm pushed against his throat, constricting his breathing a bit. He didn’t struggle when Matthias turned him over onto his stomach; he only winced at the pressure on his injured left side. He stayed still as the man unfastened his belt.

Matthias pushed up Tristan’s shirt to expose his back. He paused as he noticed bruises on the boy’s lower back. He knew neither he nor his men had inflicted them; their yellowish hue indicated that they were older. He hit the boy with his belt, the sharp metal buckle tearing his skin, but he was careful to avoid the older bruises on his lower back as well as the wound on his left side. He was already bleeding some, scarlet trickling slowly from his arched shoulders. Tristan trembled as the man hit him, blinking back tears. He squeezed his eyes shut so the tears couldn’t escape. Matthias could see his fists tightly gripping the sheets and the grimace on his face. His right cheek was pressed against the bed, his left cheek turned up; his cheekbone was swelling where he had hit him. After a short time Matthias could see he had had enough and stopped. He refastened his belt around his waist, watching the boy sprawled on the bed. He was trembling slightly, anticipating more punishment. His eyes were still closed.

Matthias pulled Tristan’s shirt down to cover his bloodied back. He got off of the bed and retrieved the knife from the floor, taking the boy’s uneaten dinner with him. He wet his fingers in his mouth and snuffed out the candle in the room, leaving the boy lying in darkness. He slammed the door behind him and locked it.

Tristan was hungry, sore, and upset. His back felt wet with blood against his shirt. But mostly his pride and his sense of control over the situation were hurt. He knew what kind of man his stepfather was. He knew he wouldn’t be merciful to the boy he had captured. He knew he would hurt him. And then what choice would this man have?

Tristan delicately rolled onto his right side and laid his head on the pillow, pulling the covers around him. He hadn’t allowed himself to cry when the lord was here, but now he was alone and he could. He bent his knees slightly and brought his legs up under him, curling up with his hands tucked against his body. He cried quietly, tears of frustration dripping down his hot cheeks. He didn’t want the man to hear him crying. He gently cradled his throbbing left hand in his right.

Outside the door, Matthias heard Tristan crying quietly and thought that perhaps he had been too hard on him. He regretted hitting him. The boy had tested his patience and consequently learned that he would tolerate only so much defiance. He didn’t think Tristan would have actually hurt him with the knife; it was more a show of control and a test of his tolerance for disobedience. The boy was scared and desperate, and thus his actions had been rash and impulsive. He had a guarded sweetness about him, but he was also fiercely stubborn. He needed to learn to be submissive and compliant. Matthias didn’t want to hurt him, and hoped he wouldn’t have to. The boy was more to him than just a prisoner to be ransomed and returned undamaged.
Last edited by jennyr on Tue Oct 26, 2010 4:12 am, edited 4 times in total.




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Hi Jenny! :D

I see that this is a romance novel! Yay! I've been kind of... addicted to those as of late, so I am really looking forward to this piece! I am going to critique this chapter by chapter, since it's kind of long and I don't want to be completely overwhelmed. Plus, I don't want to forget things. Okay? ;)

Let's go!

First of all... let's start at the beginning! I think you have a good opening line! Now, the thing is you start at the POV of the man in the second paragraph and then you switch to the lord and it's pretty confusing! I would stick with the lord from the very beginning and describe how he sees the man and the boy and what he's thinking. At this point, I think it's essential to let us get into your character. If you want to keep the lord mysterious... well... change it so that we see from the boy's POV.

And, I know that this is third person, etc., but you seem to be changing perspectives as opposed to being completely omniscient. So, don't be afraid to go into their perspectives. ;)

Also! The boy, the lord, the man, the lord's men? Introduce some names! If you want to do it from the lord's perspective, name his three guards and the man. That is, if he knows the man. If he doesn't know the man, then call him by "thief" or whatever his aspersion is against him. If you want to do it from the boy's perspective, then use the boy's name and the man's name. He need not know the lord's men. But you have to introduce some name... as it is, it's very confusing!

Now, the boy. He has a gun. Why does the lord want to spare him? More to the point (because the lord probably has his reasons... he seems pretty sinister!) why don't his men do something against him? After all, they're in a rather intense situation... their lord is being threatened by this punk of a kid! What is stopping them?

Also... the gun... the needle... it really doesn't seem like you're in 16th century Europe! First of all, at this point of time, they didn't have the biomedical technology to actually produce a needle. They did have drugs, mind you. But they didn't have medicinal needles. If you want to make this more realistic, make the men force him to drink poppy juice. Or, you can have the men make him in so much pain that he faints. Or, they can suffocate him to the point where he passes out. I would suggest Chloroform but... well... that was created in 1831. So you can't use that either. XD

Ah, we love technology, don't we? ;)

Also, the gun! I looked up guns in the 16th century. Check it out! Anyway, guns from this period run on gunpowder... a very, very hard substance to obtain at those times. So, you didn't have automatic reloading. You also only had one shot... you would have to reload with every shot. So, the boy pointing the gun at the lord? Not very threatening. In this case, you may want to use knives of some sort. Besides, the man and boy being as destitute as they are probably don't have the resources to have a gun. The lord is more likely to have the gun but... well, the description of the man getting shot is too modern. Most likely, you would have a huge bang followed by a huge cloud of smoke with sparks flying from it. And... um... the man doesn't have to die? It's really nasty, actually. Those things weren't very accurate or lethal at first.

Also! I find it strange that the lord isn't letting his men do some of the work for him. After all, if I were one of his men, I would wonder if the lord was getting soft, and if I saw him carrying this boy to his home and take care of him, not even letting his servants do the work? I would be suspicious. I think it would be more realistic if the lord just oversaw everything and watched what was going on. He can still be tender and political savvy, I think. ;)

Gack! It sounds like I'm being overly critical. There's a lot to like about this piece, so I don't want you to think that I completely hate it. I don't. I am just a history nerd. :P

Now, we're going to end on what I did like, all right? The action. It was totally action-packed, and that is awesome. From the man getting killed to the boy taking up his weapon and pointing it to the lord... that is some good drama right there! Plus, when the lord drugs up the boy and drags him to his home? Intriguing! Plus, the lord makes sure this boy is healed? Something seems off here, but it's off in that good way that makes you wonder if there's something else. And that's good.

I have to admit, right now I like the lord the best. His character is very fleshed out. But I'll probably like the boy after this, so yay.

Anyway! Hope that helps. :)


EDIT: Also, I finally read the notice above and realized that you weren't looking for historical commentary. Oops! Hopefully, I gave you some ideas about some things you might want to alter. But... um... I'll be good next time! ;)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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I'm back! :D

Okay, so now I'm on chapter 2. Lots of action here! Plus, now we actually have names! WOO! Matthias and Tristan. A good pairing to be sure!

First of all, I kind of loved the dialogue between Matthias and Tristan at the beginning. It was awesome to see Tristan try to fight with his words. He wasn't altogether successful, but hey! And, it's also cool that he tried to attack Matthias via the knife! That is, he wasn't very successful there too, but you can see him try to get the upper hand, and that kind of endears him. So yay for t hat!

Now... the thing I am going to ask about (because I'm a horrible person and all) why would Matthias beat Tristan? I mean, obviously Matthias cares about Tristan and wants him to recover. So he... beats him, carefully avoiding the other marks? I can understand if Matthias flips him over, intent on beating him, but then he notices the scars and bruises and decides not to. Instead, I see him tying up Tristan and give him a talking-to. It's a whole lot more humiliating for the victim, plus it seems more... acceptable for the master. If that makes sense.

Or! Why wouldn't Matthias hit him where it hurts the most? That way, he doesn't have to hit him as much, and yet he still incapacitates him? That might make him feel more justified of his actions.

I don't know! It just doesn't seem quite right, at the moment.

But, it is good! I shall be continuing with this soon. :)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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Thanks for your feedback! There's nothing better than a detailed review that offers constructive criticism. I do realize the first chapter is practically crawling with historical inaccuracies, and I do plan on changing it once I am finished with the story arc I am working on right now. Thanks again and I hope you enjoy reading the other chapters!




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Hi there! :)

This is VERY long. Too long... I would suggest you separate it in chapters, maybe? Because when I look at that, I'm kind of on the verge of giving up. But I won't, since I think you deserve a review, even though Snoik already did a pretty good job with hers. ;)

First off, I just want to say that the first chapter was very confusing. The boy, the man and the men... Use some names so we're not as confused. It would seriously help. If we're not supposed to know who the MC is, well that's fine, just give out some other names, like Snoik mentioned. It works? Okay, let's move on then.

But as he lay there unmoving, he felt the bitter night air begin to creep into his bones, its cruel, insistent fingers probing and working their way into his soul.


I don't have time to do a full review on the next chapter, but I promise I'll come back to do it.
Keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466




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Hey, thanks for the review! I did want to split the chapters into multiple posts (one chapter per post), but as I understand it, you have to have 100 points to make a new post, and I didn't have 500 points!

As for Chapter 1, I intend to re-do it (and not for the first time). I personally think it's my weakest chapter, but it has to be there. I can't start with Chapter 2. Hope you enjoy the other chapters.




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I'm back!

Chapter two... Much better for the confusion. Names help. ;) You do seem to have the grammar part under control. I don't see any mistakes, but again I'm not very good at that kind of stuff... I love the description, and you're writing was great. The vocabulary is great, and it's refreshing to know that you can't always use the same words! Thank you. :) The chapter three was great too. Nothing to say! Except too separate them, but I see that you've already seen my review. Don't worry about the points, they come easily enough, and by the way, I did the same too, (putting three chapters in the same post) and everyone said that I should separate them, because some weren't reading since it was too long... Don't want that to happen to you. ;)

Keep writing! I want to read more. You can PM me if you have any questions, or when you post more.

-Other One
Last edited by theotherone on Sun Oct 10, 2010 6:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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I edited the post to include just the first two chapters because I think the length of the original post was a little intimidating to readers. Thanks in advance to everyone who gives feedback and please keep reading! I think the story continues to improve as it progresses.




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Chapter 3

Matthias came in to check on the boy the next morning. Tristan was lying on his right side on the bed, head on the pillow, eyes open, dark bruise forming on his left cheekbone. He was still, curled up protectively, but his eyes warily followed Matthias. Matthias avoided the boy’s accusing eyes.

It was the second morning Tristan had woken up a prisoner. Still, he had to reflect on his situation. His hands were not bound, nor had they ever been. He hadn’t been beaten or tortured. His wounds had been skillfully treated and bandaged and he had been seen by a doctor. He would have been fed if he hadn’t struggled for the knife last evening. He lay in a large bed with soft sheets and blankets tucked around him in a private bedroom. He was certainly more comfortable here than he had been traveling through the woods, before he had been captured. He realized that he might have died from infection if the wound on his side had not been treated. And he certainly would have passed out from exhaustion.

Matthias sent the doctor in to tend to the boy’s wounds. Tristan was raised up on his arms in a defensive posture, watching Matthias stand at the door. He lowered himself down onto the bed cautiously as the doctor alone approached him. The doctor took the boy’s left hand and carefully unwrapped the bloodstained cloth. His hand was swollen around the slice in his palm and purple where the blood had pooled under the skin. The doctor wiped away bits of dried blood, hardened and blackened, before stitching the skin back together. After he treated Tristan’s hand he examined the wound on his left side briefly, pleased that it was healing. He got him onto his stomach and gently peeled his shirt off his back. It was plastered to the fresh abrasions on his back. Tristan winced a little at the shirt’s removal. The doctor looked at his back and appeared unconcerned.

Matthias came into the room and said, “Doctor, may I have a moment?” Tristan jumped at the sound of his voice. He was still lying on his stomach on the bed, but he did not move or look behind him. He was angry and hurt. His pride wouldn’t let him give in to the man and forget the events of the previous night, not unless the man also gave in. He kept his face turned away, burying it in the pillow, hiding his scowl from Matthias. He didn’t want to provoke him or be hit again. The doctor moved to the door so he and Matthias could have a private conversation.

“Is he okay?”
“He’s fine, Matthias. You wounded his pride more than anything else. He’s not as fragile as you seem to think. You’re not going to hurt him unless you intend to.”
“Well, I’m sure he’s used to being treated well.”
“Yes, he’s a child of privilege. Not unlike yourself.”
Matthias nodded in accordance. There was a pause during which neither man spoke. Then Matthias continued. “His back—”
“He’s young and strong and will recover quickly. His back will be healed in a few days. It doesn’t hurt him badly. It just stings. But you still have to be careful to avoid opening the stitches on his side. That’s the most serious injury. He will have a scar.”
“And his hand—”
“I gave him stitches. The cut was deep; it may also scar.” The doctor paused for a moment before continuing. “Those bruises on his lower back…”
“No, I didn’t touch him.”
“I didn’t think you had hit him that hard.”
Matthias gazed at the boy lying on the bed. “Let him eat and drink as much as he desires. He needs it. After he’s finished eating get him into a bath.”

Җ

Lowering himself into the bath, Tristan hissed at the contact of the water on his side, but then gradually relaxed as the warm water dulled the pain. The water came up to his waist, lapping at the back of his thighs. His knees stuck out of the water.

Matthias had gathered bandages, ointment, clothes for the boy, and a towel. He walked into the bathroom. Both the doctor and the boy looked up at his entrance. The boy’s back was to him. Matthias nodded at the doctor. As the doctor left Tristan quickly glanced over his shoulder, but then turned back to washing himself. He felt vulnerable, sitting naked in the bathtub, with the man so close to him in the room. He hunched over in the bath, covering his nakedness.

Matthias crouched beside the bathtub, on his knees. He knelt over and put his arm around Tristan’s chest. His looped his own arm under the boy’s arm and braced his fingers on the boy’s breastbone, pulling him close. Tristan immediately tensed his whole body, surprised at being held this way. Matthias put his mouth to Tristan’s ear and said in a soft, low voice: “Easy. I’m not here to fight you. I don’t want to hurt you. If I wanted to you’d already be on the floor begging me to stop. You know that.” He paused for a moment to let the words sink in, and then continued: “You’re unharmed because I allow it. I won’t hurt you if you relax and don’t try anything foolish.”

Tristan believed what he had said. He believed that Matthias could hurt him badly. At over six feet tall, he was more than a foot taller than Tristan. He was fit and muscular, even in his early forties. He was intimidating, but Tristan didn’t fear him. Not like he had when he had first met him. Though he still didn’t know his intentions for him, it was clear that his primary purpose was not to be cruel to him. He could have easily hurt him or toyed with him for his own pleasure, but he hadn’t.

And Tristan believed his assertion. He believed that Matthias wouldn’t hurt him if he did what he wanted. He hadn’t hurt him. Not like he could have. Even when he had hit him with his belt, he had stopped long before he thought he would. Long before he had expected him to. Long before any permanent damage could be done. Long before his stepfather would have. He had lain on the bed, anticipating more brutality, but none had come. He had left him alone and hadn’t bothered him further. He couldn’t forget that.

Tristan nodded slowly. He told himself he would relax because he had to, not because he wanted to.

Matthias released the boy when he felt his body relax, satisfied with his compliance. He looked at his back. The skin was broken and swollen around the welts. He cupped his hands and scooped up water from the bath to pour over Tristan’s back. He took the washcloth out of his hand and lathered it with soap. Tristan stiffened as Matthias touched his shoulder blade, expecting pain and roughness, but his hands were surprisingly gentle.

Matthias could see a change in the boy at the unexpected gentle treatment. His shoulders slowly loosened under his hands and he could sense his demeanor softening. He instructed Tristan to lean forward, pushing gently on his back, his fingers brushing his spine just above the bruises. Tristan leaned forward and Matthias cleaned his lower back, lightly patting the discolored skin.

Tristan was surprised when he had to stop himself from leaning back into the man’s touch. He had hit him last night and embarrassed him. He should be apprehensive and want him to stay away. But he still wanted his attention and his touch. He didn’t want him to stop. He hadn’t been taken care of in so long. Too long. And his hands felt good against his back.

Tristan told himself he was accepting the gentleness and allowing Matthias to wash his back in order to please his captor. Not because he liked the feel of Matthias’s warm hands on his back. Not because the soft brush of his fingers sent shivers down his spine. Not because he desperately craved his touch and the security of his presence. Not because he needed the human contact as much as he needed the air he breathed.

Matthias ran a hand down Tristan’s back as he rinsed it, removing the traces of creamy soap. He left the bathroom so Tristan could wash his hair and the rest of his body. Grateful for the privacy, Tristan finished washing himself and stepped out of the bathtub to dry himself.

Matthias came back into the bathroom. Tristan was standing there, most of his weight resting on his right foot, his wet skin glistening. The wound on his left side, raw and angry, peeked out from under the towel draped loosely around his waist. Matthias approached him, meeting his questioning eyes, and placed an arm across his back and around his right hip, supporting his bad ankle. Tristan let him lead him to the bedroom. When they made it to the bed Matthias turned away so Tristan could let the towel fall and dress himself. He had laid out a pair of pants for him to change into. After the boy was clothed Matthias nodded to the bed and Tristan sat down. “Give me your hand.” Matthias held out his own hand for Tristan’s. After a brief hesitation, Tristan gave Matthias his hand, laying it lightly in his open palm. His hand fit the contours of the man’s hand. Matthias took the boy’s hand carefully, cradling it in his own, and spread ointment over the fresh stitches before bandaging it.

Matthias put a hand on Tristan’s bare chest and gently pushed him onto his back. He rubbed ointment on his side and bandaged the wound. Then he tried to turn him over onto his stomach so he could see his back. The boy hadn’t said a word this whole time, not even to protest, but he resisted a little now. He slowly turned over onto his stomach, but he braced himself on his arms, raised up on the bed in a defensive posture. He looked back at Matthias, wary, unsure of whether he wanted to lie down on the bed with his back turned in front of his captor. Matthias put his hand on the back of Tristan’s neck and gently pushed him down until his belly touched the sheets. He left his hand at the nape of his neck, his fingertips brushing his damp hair, while he coated the fingers of his other hand with ointment. He placed his oiled fingers on the boy’s back. The skin was especially soft and tender from the bath. But he was delicate with the torn, fragile skin. Tristan’s breath hitched slightly. “Does this hurt?” Matthias whispered. “A little,” breathed Tristan.

Matthias’s hand paused above the bruises on Tristan’s lower back. “Does your stepfather hit you?” he asked. “Yes,” Tristan said quietly. The word had come out of his mouth before he realized what he was doing. Matthias had caught him off guard. Tristan blushed at his slipped admission, glad his face was pressed against the pillow, but Matthias didn’t question him further. He had never told anyone that, though he knew the people around him suspected as much. His stepfather occasionally hit him when he was angry or inebriated, usually in places people wouldn’t see.

His embarrassment passed and his back gently rose and fell as he breathed evenly. The plump pillow was soft against his cheek. After the warm comfort and soothing effect of the bath, he felt his body sink further into the mattress. The gentle attention had calmed him. Matthias noticed that he seemed to enjoy being taken care of, though he surely would never admit it. The boy was so still while he rubbed the ointment on his back, as if he was afraid of missing the lightest of touches. Matthias finished applying the ointment and pulled the sheet up to his waist, leaving him to rest.

Tristan lay on the bed, absorbed in his thoughts. He realized that the man could be cruel to him, or he could be kind. He could hurt him, but he could also protect him. It depended on his own willingness to cooperate. He needed to stay close to Matthias and continue to please him. That was his best chance of surviving.




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Does anyone know how to add chapters to a novel? Because I've clicked on the 'Edit Novel' button many times, but I don't ever see how to input more text/add a chapter. Help please!




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Okay, you just have to "submit your work" and post it, when your finished, it will automatically send you to the post, right? At the top, where it normally says "this is a novel" it will say, "is this part of a novel?" Or something like that anyways. You click it, and it will automatically put it with the other chapters of your novel! Hooray ;)
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Thank you for the instructions! I think I figured it out.




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Hi Jenny,

I'm presently reading your chapters and I find them very good. I'll get to the end of your chapters before replying but I wanted to mention something.

You wrote in a previous post that it takes 100 points to add chapters, right?
False, you need to review in order to add chapters. There's a ration, something like, 4 reviews done for one post. Something like that. It's a circle, really, these reviews. You review for them, they review for you. It gets done rather quickly.

On to my reading!
Tanya :D




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Hi, Jenny! This is the first time that I will be reviewing you. Thank you for the request by the way. I just don't know why you had to withdraw it. Anyway, I've written this, so here it goes...

For Chapter I:

First, I was a bit annoyed with the way you were pointing out characters by saying "the boy", or "the lord", but if it's your style then so be it; but giving them names would be nice.

I've also got some nitpicks for you.

The man sprung to his feet; the boy he was with got to his feet more slowly, heavily favoring his left ankle.


Having all male characters is confusing, that's why it was so important to have names. =|

The lord could see the despair and panic in the boy’s face as he fell to his knees beside the man and touched the bubbling wound on [color=#FFFF00][color=#FFFF00][color=#FFFF00]his[/color][/color][/color] chest, trying to quell the flow of blood, to no avail.


See?

The boy stared at him, breathing hard, pointing the gun at him. The lord took a step closer; the boy didn’t move, his arms shaking. The lord said clearly to the boy, “You can take a shot at me, but my men will shoot you before you’ve even pulled the trigger. There are three of them, and I know they won’t miss. They’ll kill you. They can put you in the ground right now, or you can drop the gun and come with me,” he reasoned. As his words captured the boy’s attention, one of the lord’s men slowly moved around behind the boy.


This could work if you use synonyms or specific descriptions for the characters, because so far, the pronouns are just making everything confusing.

The boy glanced down at his dead companion, utterly alone and unprotected.


If "utterly alone..." describes the dead companion, then I believe the comma is not needed.

He slowly looked back up into the lord’s eyes, his own filled with tears that threatened to spill onto his cheeks.

[color=#FF0080]~~dialogue, new paragraph~~[/color]

“Come with me. Come here,” the lord said more gently. With no response from the boy, he continued in a more threatening tone[color=#FF0080][color=#FF0080],[/color][/color] “You have nowhere to go. We will hunt you, and you will be captured. Come willingly with me now and you won’t be hurt.” The boy looked into the lord’s eyes, clearly distrustful of him.


While the boy’s attention was focused on the advancing lord, one of the lord’s men came up behind him and grabbed him. [color=#00FFFF][color=#00FFFF]He[/color][/color] locked his strong arms around the boy, pinning the boy’s arms against his body. With one arm holding the boy, he used the other to twist the boy’s wrist until he dropped the gun. The other men shifted [color=#00FFFF]their[/color] positions to form a circle around them.


Pronouns just wouldn't work. Be creative with nouns instead.

You also have a little issue with comma. I’m going to set out an example:

As he watched the tears fall from the sky he remembered.


There are two clauses there. The first clause is a dependent clause, meaning it can’t stand on its own. The second one is an independent clause, meaning it can stand on its own.
But [color=#00FFFF][color=#00FFFF]when[/color][/color] the dependent clause is first[color=#00FFFF],[/color] you should put a comma. Just like the previous sentence.

The nitpicks above are examples of your mistakes. Consider them and see what's wrong, then proofread. I'm sorry if I wouldn't (yes, wouldn't) point out each and every nitpick.

The story was quite interesting anyway...


~~ Jash ♥
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen:
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


—C.S. LEWIS


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Thanks for the feedback! I'm working on re-doing the first chapter. I think it's the weakest by far of all my chapters. Though I want to keep the mystery, I'll probably add some names into the first chapter since the 'hes' are confusing.

P.S. One of the administrators apparently withdrew my request because he/she said that you were only allowed to request reviews from a couple people at a time. I didn't withdraw it. Thanks for the review; I appreciate it!



If you don't know it's impossible it's easier to do. And because nobody's done it before, they haven't made up rules to stop anyone doing that again, yet.
— Neil Gaiman