Sunburns

Spoiler

A weird metaphor. Thanks for reading!

We sat in sunburns
caring not about the sting
climbing its way across our skin,
cause it was being healed,
or numbed, rather
(it would hurt later, that was true without a doubt)
by the looks in each other’s eyes
the opportunity to just
sit, and watch each other
and smile a bit,
without any interruption,
no matter how hard the sun tried.

And when we come down from this high,
this lovely place in the sky,
when we go hide inside,
perhaps those burns will make us seethe
maybe the pain will make us grieve,
but, I think, that underneath,
we’ll both know it was worth it.

But that won’t make the hurt any less.

This is an interesting metaphor, but I like it. I think that is what good poetry does, makes you look at something old from a fresh perspective. So kudos on that. My only critique is simply the punctuation. The thing with poetry punctuation is that it really is up to the author to decide how to punctuate. Personally, I will punctuate poetry just as I would if I were punctuating prose. So, if you were to write this out in paragraph form, you wouldn't have quite so many commas. Maybe it is just me, but the commas were distracting. Other than that, I really enjoyed your poem!

Hi, Persephoneia!

I loved it! Totally my aesthetic.

We sat in sunburns
caring not about the sting
climbing its way across our skin

First line: Amazing. Interesting. Different.
Second line: "Caring not" might sound more "poem-y," but I think "not caring" would be a lot more effective because it would be a more comfortable construction, you know?
Third line: I feel like "climbing" usually takes the preposition "up," not "across." It's not wrong, just odd. I feel like "making its way across our skin" would make more sense.

The parenthetical remark in the middle of the first stanza is delightful!

And when we come down from this high,
this lovely place in the sky,
when we go hide inside,
perhaps those burns will make us seethe
maybe the pain will make us grieve,
but, I think, that underneath,
we’ll both know it was worth it.

Interesting phenomenon. It kind of started to rhyme. High/sky/inside. Seethe/grieve/underneath. Was that on purpose? I didn't like it, really. It made it kind of cheap.

But that won’t make the hurt any less.

Hmm. I didn't like the end. It didn't feel as strong. Kind of tacked on. Kind of a blanket statement that's supposed to be really deep, but isn't as effortless as I would have liked. I think it would sound better if it said "But that own't make it hurt any less." That's just me. There's nothing overtly wrong about it.

Overall, this poem is beautiful. I want to be in it.
Good luck!
Thanks for sharing.
Rachel

Hi, Persephoneia!

You say it's a weird metaphor, but I don't think such things exist at all -- there are just metaphors. And I like yours.

(it would hurt later, that was true without a doubt)

I don't think you need anything that comes after the comma. Poetry is mostly about being concise. There are no extra words in it. When you say something with as few words as possible, it leaves a more permanent mark. Think about this particular line -- wouldn't it be much more powerful if you took out the spare?

when we go hide inside

Hide inside. I love it. I could repeat it all day.

One little thing to watch, though: in a poem, it's better to say "because" than "cause". And if you can, try not to use the word at all, it's so long and takes a lot of space.


Well, these are some words of advice. Hopefully you'll find them helpful. Overall, sweet poem! I like it.


Demeter
x

Hi Persephoneia!

One thing that I noticed was that this poem really wasn't that confident! Like, you had this metaphor that you wanted to run with, but it seemed like you were unsure of what to say, so you just kind of put a bunch of ideas together and let it splat out haphazardly!

Now, I love the idea. The fact that you would sit in the sun, despite the sunburn, and only realize afterward how burnt you really are is a wonderful thing, and the metaphor is poignant. I think you should go back to the sun bit and really think of what happens when you literally become sunburned. When you're sitting in the sun, you don't really notice that you're being sunburned... at least not at first! It's only when you move away that you realize it. So, maybe less about looking in each other's eyes and more about that initial dazzle and then the moving away that is painful.

...this review is completely abstract, lol. Hopefully, it makes sense though! If you have any questions, feel free to bug me!

Hey Perse,

It is a nice image you have here, and you did a good job keeping it up through the whole poem. You stumble a bit on some of the details though, which detract from the whole. For example, you start in the past tense ("we sat", "the sun tried") but then switch to present ("we come down") with little to no transition, which turned me off.

You've also got a couple awkward, clunky parts.

cause it was being healed,
or numbed, rather
(it would hurt later, that was true without a doubt)

This chunk here is the main offender: it's uneccessarily heavy, and you could probably remove two of the lines or rework them without hurting the poem: it's kind of repetitive, and just seems like it's forcing the point on the reader. Your sentences throughout the piece also seem to stretch too long, and become run-on: break them up a bit more, so we can catch our breath a bit, and check your commas: some of them seemed misplaced.

Last point: it felt like your last line undermined the part that came before. Was that intentional? I found it kind of rendered the whole thing null.

Hello there!

Here to review.

First of all, I thank you for the good read. The imageries and as well with the metaphors in the poem flowed very well although there was the absence of rhyming and everything. What I like of your poem is that you don't capitalize every letter of each line because sad to say there are lots of writers who does that which I think is not needed to do so. Anyways, this is a good poem.

Yuri

Hi, Persephoneia! First of all nice to meet you! *Sol read* This is a really interesting Poem... I really like it! I have to agree with Snoink ''but it seemed like you were unsure of what to say, so you just kind of put a bunch of ideas together and let it splat out haphazardly!" Yeah... that's pretty much it!