Died for love...

Died for love

Him and I

won't be why?

I love him so

All he said was "oh"

When I confessed

That I was obsessed,

With him.



He was mine

His blood, was my wine.

But he said "I love you"

To her, and she said so too.

Too him, to them.

No one said that to me,

Never to me.



She was my friend.

But he was the end,

Of our friendship.

It couldnt take a bit,

Of the fight we fought

For him, but I got caught

And she didnt,

She never.



My love didnt matter,

When she started to flatter

Him, and he fell

Down her love well

And I cried,

When I tried,

To fish him up.

But failed,

Never succeeded.



He only saw beauty in.

Her eyes and her skin.

He couldn't feel

My love, the one that was real.

His heart only rose in pace,

When her face was in sight.

He didnt ever see me,

Only her.


Only I had seen

The true her, all but serene.

Only I knew,

What she could do.

Only I heard the false tone

In her voice, she was a solid stone.

I was full of emotions for him,

But for him, she was emotionless.


Now He's dead,

And I'm dead inside

cause she lied.

And look now she's dead,

For I killed her.

Just as she killed him,

As he killed me.


We died for love

But what's the point

We're dead.

Hey! Nice poem there, I enjoyed it It was quite choppy, which, in my opinion, adds to the overall tone but I had some touble to read it a little. I liked the beginning quite a lot, the first two stanzas are good
However, this here

I cried,
When he died,
For she had lied.

I cry for him,
He bleeds for her,
And she laughs at me.

He is dying,
She is lying,
And I am still crying.

He died,
And I cried,
Because she lied.

He's dead,
And I'm dead inside
'Cause she lied.
And look now she's dead,
For I killed her.
Just as she killed him,
As he killed me.

Sometimes you are capitalizing the first letter and sometimes not... it probably should all be the same (supposed to be capitalized but some don't do it)

I felt was very repetitive. Too much "die" and "lie" maybe? It just felt like it was stuck on replay, just saying the same thing over and over in different ways.

It wasn't bad. I loved the rhymes and the theme
Keep writing!

-Truth-

This is really beautiful its a combination of pain and an impossible love I really liked it , keep on writing I would like to read more and critic if you want.

Hey!

I like it. It's the sort of desperate poem that I love once in a while, and for the most part, it was great.

I know you were aiming for a general rhyme, but there were some sections where I felt like it was a little off. In addition, your rhyming scheme wasn't constant; there were some moments where you did a common AABBCC, etc, but there were a couple of stanzas where you did a rhyme such as AABCCD, which was odd and disrupted the flow.

I cried,

when he died,

for she had lied.


I cry for him,

He bleeds for her,

and she laughs at me.



He is dying,

she is lying,

and I am still crying.



He died,

And I cried,

because she lied.

These three paragraphs were too repetitive. I felt as if you were trying to force this particular bit to the surface so it would stand out, but it didn't work.

I like the ending. It's very dark and sums up the poem nicely.

Overall, good poem, just needs some editing. I look forward to reading more of your writing in the future.

PM me for questions/comments!

~blu

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Hi Demoness!

One thing that I was wondering about when I read this... you said that they died for love, but I really couldn't see any love in this poem, either in the physical sense or metaphysical sense! So I was wondering why you used that word. If you wanted to use it for the ironic effect, you should probably describe what kind of love this was and how this loving took place. That will really help this poem pop!

Good luck!

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