The Sound Of Someone Crying

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By the way, this is nonsensical nonsense... (Or do the two negatives make it a positive?) And don't even bother to poke holes in this plot. It has more holes in it than swiss cheese. It's a suspension of disbelief, okay? :P


“Die!”
“Stop being stupid, Archie. We both know you won’t shoot.”
“I will! You need to be gotten rid of.”
“I might, but we’re best friends, aren’t we?”
“Don’t use your pitiful persuasions on me.”
“If they’re so ‘pitiful’ why are they working?”
“They’re not! I’m going to shoot.”
“Are not.”
“Are too!”
“Are not.”
“Are too!”
“Are not times infinity.”
BANG!
“You should’ve shot, Archie...”
A soft sound wanders lazily through the bitter silence, ebbing slowly into nothingness.

--

My name isn’t any of your concern, but I’m telling you now, I’m not Archie. I’m that other guy. Yes. You know what I’m talking about. You heard what we were talking about before, didn’t you? Nothing to worry about, just a casual conversation between… old friends.

Because we were friends once. Before everything became twisted and before everything began to shift into a shape which let through the light of the obvious. The truth of the matter is I’m evil. Archie was always good. But as the saying goes: opposites attract.

We weren’t destined to destroy each other or any stupid thing like that. It wasn’t a fulfilled prophecy as to how we ended up. We weren’t “guided” by anything or anyone. There’s nothing the littlest bit of the romantic variety that can be given to our current situation. And don’t go thinking this is another one of those stupid fantasy stories, this is real.

We live now, probably somewhere you know about. I have it on good authority Archie used to live in Brisbane, Australia. Well, it is my own authority, but then again that’s the only one that’s worthy to trust nowadays…

I used to always drag Archie down to my level. He was always willing to go with me, because he was good. He was able to persuade anyone, everyone that what we were doing was right. Even when it was so obvious it wasn’t. And that was what had made us good friends in the first place. I revelled in the mischief and mayhem, Archie loved to supply the reasons.

We’re not supermen, we’re not magical, but we are bloody rich. Archie and I are the richest people on this Earth, no joke. No one would tell you that of course, otherwise they wouldn’t be able to speak ever again, that I would promise you. You probably think Bill Gates is the richest. Ha. Bill Gates borrows money off of us. Both our families owned the largest companies, but both our parents died during a party one night. I won't go into details.

However, we grew up without parents, with all the money in the world at our disposal. Archie always had aspirations to become the Prime Minister of Australia. I used to joke I’d become a hobo living in the street, so that he would have to pay for me. He used to laugh at me. And we used to laugh together.

But that’s all just memories now. And I’m reminiscing about things that will never come again.

Because now I knew the truth. I knew his parents killed mine. Because money is what corrupts even the purest souls. But it makes those with black souls even stronger. Which is why Archie lost and I won. Archie was never meant to have money. He didn’t know how to use it, or to live with it. He should’ve been born a farmer’s son and worked his way up to Prime Minister.

This was never a vengeance quest. I just wanted this rivalry gone. It had killed both our families. And I would kill for it to be finally over. For everything to be finished.

Enough of that now, Archie is gone, the rivalry is gone. Archibald Fitzgerald Eddings is gone. And everyone would just have to deal with it. Besides, no one would care I killed him… well, maybe they’d care, but they’d never be able to pin it on me.

For money was corruption.

--

“My lord. They were bitter rivals. After all, how can two of the largest companies in the world be in good terms with one another?”
“… I need time to think of this, Lewis. Go fetch me some tea.”
“Yes, my lord.”
A scream echoes through the halls of the mansion, full of grief and anger, slowly it dwindles away to be replaced with a sad different kind of release tinged with remorse.

--

It’s not possible. Archie’s alive. I thought this was over. That this would be the end of it. I shot him, didn’t I? Why hasn’t it ended? He’s at his own private hospital now. Damn. I can’t do it again. I can’t shoot him again. It took too much effort the first time.

That’s it. This is over. I don’t care anymore. I can’t bring myself to kill someone twice; it’ll be too hard. There was too much blood the first time; hard to clean out and forget. Too much death… too much of everything. I may be evil, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a conscience. I became evil to do this. To end this. Evil meant the end.

Maybe I had been too evil. Maybe… there’s another way, where I don’t have to live with a ghost for the rest of my life. I thought I had been ready to kill Archie, but there would too many skeletons in the closet. Too much I would never be able to forget.

My god…

There is another way!

I don’t know why it never occurred to me before. Maybe I was blinded by my greed. Maybe I felt betrayed more than I should've. There is a way that doesn’t involve death or more blood or ghosts. Why didn’t I think of it before? Bloody hell. I’ll do it. Do it tonight. This rivalry will finally be over.

--

“Sign them, Archie.”
“What are you doing?”
“Just sign the goddamn papers.”
“… This has to be a joke. You’re scamming me, aren’t you?”
“Sign them already! Or I’ll take them away.”
“Okay, okay. Fine. Here, I’m signing them. You happy?”
The sound of scratching over paper starts and stops. A sigh of relief is heard, so profound that it sounds as if years of life are finally gone.
“I didn’t think you’d shoot, to be honest.”
“What?”
“And now it’s my turn.”
“What are you doing?”
BANG!
A scream of pain flies through the room. Some liquid spills onto the floor, a quick scatter against the floor first and then in slow dribbles and drops. A soft thump echoes across the room.
“Why?”
“I was always the coverer, wasn’t I?”
“What… what are talking about, Archie? Why… are you doing this? I just gave… the company to you… didn’t I?”
“And to think if I didn’t kill our parents we wouldn’t be here like this.”
A cough, sad and lonely. A soft splatter on the floor.
“What… do…” gurgle, “mean?”
“Oh, I killed them. I killed them all. Ha. You see they were signing a merger. And you were going to be the heir. I couldn’t let them do it. So I killed them. But, you know as well as I do, that I was always the best at hiding the true reasons. Wasn’t I?”
Another thump sounds. Harsh breathing, slow gasps. More liquid spills forth, splattering onto the floor.
“Why… Archie? ... Why?”
“I told you why. I planned everything. To this second. Smart one, aren’t I?”
A scraping is heard. Slow and painful.
“What you got there, my friend?”
BANG!
Sploosh, patter, patter. Thump. The sound of paper rustles through the air.
“And… I thought… I couldn’t shoot… you after I lost you once…”

--

My name isn’t any of your concern, but I’m telling you now, I’m not Archie. I’m that other guy. Yes. You know what I’m talking about. You heard what we were talking about before, didn’t you? Nothing to worry about, just a casual conversation between… old friends.

Because we were friends once.

--

A soft sound wanders lazily through the bitter silence, ebbing slowly into nothingness; it is the sound of someone crying.
Last edited by Light_Devil! on Wed Sep 22, 2010 7:06 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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hmmm this is a very interesting complicated story. I like it, but I thought you were in a hurry or so, everything was quick, try taking your ime into the events. Other than that, there were barely any grammatical errors, vocabulary was good, and your sentence structure was well enhanced. Write on, it's your thing.




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The truth of the matter is I’m evil. Archie was always good.

This didn't mean anything in the course of the story. If anything, Archie's the evil one, it seems. But there was definitely nothing at all to support the narrator saying he's evil.

Both our families owned the largest companies,

This is so vague and elementary sounding. We have all the moneys from our sales. We need to get massive, big guns to shoot the enemies.

But that’s all just memories now. And I’m reminiscing about things that will never come again.
Before I knew his parents killed mine.

There's something wrong with these sentences. At the "Before I knew his parents killed mine," we get this awkwardness. I think it's because we don't actually have "the good ol' days" on our minds, but instead we just read "I'm reminiscing about things that won't happen again." It's not a logical jump from "These things will never happen. Before I knew his parents killed mine."

worked his way up to PM.

Is that supposed to be Prime Minister? You should probably just spell it out, since it's used only twice in the story.

The sudden flashback to the narrator being told the truth by the butler(?) is pretty irrelevant by the time you get to it. We already know who killed whom. Not to mention the butler's tone is so extremely expositional that he's merely a tool and not a character. Speaking role characters that are pure plot devices should be disposed of.

keep the rivalry between your two families a secret until you reached adulthood. I’m a bit early, I’ll admit, but you seem mature enough to know now.”

No kidding. They were just saying "are not times infinity" earlier. If anything, I imagined the narrator and Archie to be 8 years old.

It’s not possible. Archie’s alive. I thought this was over. That this would be the end of it. I shot him, didn’t I? Why hasn’t it ended? He’s at his own private hospital now. Being stitched up.

And then this monologue is pretty silly. I think that scene just prior would be better used as a way to tell us that Archie still lives. Otherwise, it's like those convenient, one-sided phone conversations on TV shows where they say, "Hello? Mrs. Ross? What's that about my son? He got mauled by a puma? He's at the hospital downtown? The puma is disguised as a doctor and means to maul him again? I'm the only one who can save him? I'll be right there!" Y'know, like who says every detail they've acknowledged out loud?

It took too much effort the first time.

Didn't really seem like it. "Are too!" "Are too!" Bang!

Some liquid spills onto the floor, sloshing against the floor first fast

Is the blood pouring out of a hose? Unless he shot him in the carotid artery, a bullet wound really has no business sloshing blood on the floor. And if he did and if blood was sloshing out, he'd probably be in no shape to be speaking.

And you were going to be the heir. I couldn’t let them do it. So I killed them...
“...I planned everything. To this second. Smart one, aren’t I?”

Wouldn't it have been easier to kill the narrator back then and leave the parents alive? I imagine the secondary heir, should the narrator die, was going to be Archie, right?

So I dunno. Interesting premise and style. But at times, it lapses into something that sounds too elementary for the owners of "the largest companies."




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Dear Sargsauce:

I'm not entirely convinced you actually took any of the story in or even read nor noticed the little note up the top, which explains a lot of the reason why this story is elementary in some of it's explanations. You see the point of this story was to show that the main character never wanted any of it. Ever. Now, if you would so kindly make your way to the first time this line is used:

A soft sound wanders lazily through the bitter silence, ebbing slowly into nothingness.


It doesn't make much sense, does it? (I'm not even sure why I'm bothering to explain this...) However, did you read the last line? At all?

A soft sound wanders lazily through the bitter silence, ebbing slowly into nothingness; it is the sound of someone crying.


It's an explanation of the sound. The main character cried after he shot Archie the first time. However, if you didn't gather that from what you read I can see telling you might be rather rude and pointless.

This didn't mean anything in the course of the story. If anything, Archie's the evil one, it seems. But there was definitely nothing at all to support the narrator saying he's evil.


You know apart from him... like... shooting his best friend. And you know... Archie wanting to become Prime Minister, but sure, neither of these things make them good or evil. It's the way he viewed himself, to make things easier to kill Archie.

Oh, yes, one more thing. You know how you said it sounded easy when the main character killed Archie? That was kind of the point of just having sounds, of being blind in the room, but only hearing. It was meant to sound easy. Like he didn't care. Like he was indifferent. But the last line was meant to clear it up. However, in your case I don't think it quite did...

However, from your review I do have some things to concede. The butler part is pointless. However, I did want the last line of it, because it was the sound of his betrayal echoing through the mansion and the sounds are important in this story. Also, the logical jump was because originally I didn't have that "reminiscing" line in between the laughing part and the "dead parents" part; it made sense before *is going to fix it*.

What would be the point in killing the main character but leaving the parents alive? Sure he would become secondary heir, but he wouldn't inherit until God knows when. When his parents died he inherited. Straight away. Anyway, this story is a suspension of disbelief. You're not actually meant to entirely believe any of it, because I wrote it in about an hour.

Anyway, thanks for the review. I hope I have cleared your mind about some things.

Dear Ambrosia:

Thank you for the short and not entirely correctly written review. I did not understand the point you were trying to point out. However, as I should, I thank you for the effort and time you bothered to put into you review and into reading my story. I also thank you for your compliments.

Thank you again.

Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.
Dynamic Duo AWAY!!!

A computer once beat me at chess. It was no match for me at kick boxing.

"I wish Homer was my father," - Ned's son.
"And I wish you didn't have Satan's curly red hair," - Ned Flanders.




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I don't really know what to say, except I don't see why you are trying to explain your story to Sargsauce, telling him he "didn't read it" when really there is little to read and comprehend...
It's a suspension of belief, okay? :P

The proper term is "suspension of disbelief," I believe. Suspension of disbelief basically means that the reader viewer will ignore certain aspects of the piece that are unbelievable if the overall result is entertaining. That is, has a good storyline. Suspension of disbelief is unavoidable in theater (as there are some things that cannot be accurately produced onstage, such as a waterfall). However, it should be avoided at all costs in literature. It basically means that the author has a good idea, but is too lazy to form anything around the good idea, and instead publishes the skeleton of that idea, without any organs, muscles, etc.

Your story does hold certain aspects of suspension of disbelief. However, as I said, in literature, suspension of disbelief is not a rhetorical device that authors wield in order to increase the depth of their writing. On top of that, the storyline of your writing is not particularly original or entertaining. So the reader/viewer does not give up certain aspects of believability in return for a good story. The "good story" factor is not present, which makes this story entirely pointless to read. "Plot holes," as you mentioned at the beginning, are not what makes a story possess SoD. A strong plot is necessary in order to create actual SoD, although SoD should be avoided in literature. I seem to be simply repeating my point, so I will continue..

You repeated a certain line twice in the piece. I suppose that this is some sort of motif. The only difference being that, at the end, it explains that the sound is of someone crying. When a reader reads this, they assume that someone was literally crying both times. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be true, or if the second time is simply showing that Archie was crying in the beginning (?) You may want to clarify this.

I suppose that what you assume gives this story depth is the fact that "the main character never wanted any of it." However, we are not given enough information about this character to really know if he didn't want any of this or not. You give us a lot of background. But we still are not properly acquainted with the character. We don't even know his name! You cover this up by saying that it is "suspension of disbelief," when it is just necessary for us to know more! We need more information.

I also agree with Sargsauce that the idea of the MC being "evil" is not thoroughly explained.

I would like to see how you justify the numerous plot holes without mention of "suspension of disbelief."

-Lena
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Oh my. I don't understand... I don't remember writing that reply.

I'm not even sure I was awake at :
Postby Light_Devil! on Thu Sep 23, 2010 4:17 am


Maybe I was sleep walking... I'm sorry.
Dynamic Duo AWAY!!!

A computer once beat me at chess. It was no match for me at kick boxing.

"I wish Homer was my father," - Ned's son.
"And I wish you didn't have Satan's curly red hair," - Ned Flanders.



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