a misleading love poem

Heroine

She knows I long for her,
Despite the staring she causes,
Despite the sickness she brings me,
Forgetting all the costs

Never mind the wounds she’s left me,
The secrets I'm hiding,
The long sleeves, hair in face,
The dependency on her

Because without her sweet poison
Her piercing caress
I’m pained and I’m shivering
And I'm violent and careless

And without her I'm stuck here,
In reality with all its slings,
No numbness to hold me
No dreams to cage me

In the night, I’ll cry out
Please save me

Heroin.

if you spelled "heroine" wrong at the end by accident, don't change it. if you did that on purpose - great.

the flow of the poem could be tied more smoothly, and the rhythm was a bit off.

Never mind the wounds she’s left me,
The secrets I'm hiding,
The long sleeves, hair in face,
The dependency on her

--this was a bit jolting, i suppose.

In reality with all its slings,

--slings? it sounds odd to me for some reason.


despite the above critiques, this is a really good poem. it has good quality and i loved the meaning of it, as well as the language. =] really, great job.

I like the last word a lot. I'm just going to tell you that first.

She knows I long for her,
Despite the staring she causes,
Despite the sickness she brings me,
Forgetting all the costs

I love the images this gives me, but the last line doesn't quite seem to fit. Maybe you should reword it. The ideas are perfect, just the last line of wording throws it a bit off.

Never mind the wounds she’s left me,
The secrets I'm hiding,
The long sleeves, hair in face,
The dependency on her

Third line is a bit awkward. Otherwise, I like this stanza.

Because without her sweet poison
Her piercing caress
I’m pained and I’m shivering
And I'm violent and careless

This also brings wonderful images, but "careless" really doesn't fit with the other words. It's of a different quality, if you know what I mean. Like if you grouped " seething, writhing, twisting, hating", the word "hating" doesn't quite fit, if you know what I'm talking about. If not, forget all I just said.

And without her I'm stuck here,
In reality with all its slings,
No numbness to hold me
No dreams to cage me

At first this didn't make sense; it's like a sharp turn into darkness. But it's great now that I get it.

In the night, I’ll cry out
Please save me

Heroin.

Kind of a weak ending. "heroin" is good, but the lines before it aren't closing lines. Try to stick with the word groups you've been using for a more powerful, effective finish. Overall, it's a good poem. Minor adjustments required.

As someone who has researched heroin quite a bit, I did like this poem. This has to be my favorite line:

"I’m pained and I’m shivering"

Nice to incorporate the goosebumps (going cold turkey) that a withdrawl of heroin into the poem! It shows research and thought. And to put it in a poetic form... awesome. Simply awesome.

Good job. I looked for scientific errors, but found none. Nice research. Nice poem.

Yay. Well I'm very pleased with Snoink's comment.

forest_ofthe_nightingale - I kinda see what you mean about the careless thing.

And xanthan gum - the slings bit (kinda stolen from Hamlet), it suggests thudding, smashing, thundering stones - as apposed to sharp, peircing, raining arrows

Nothing I can add on to what others have already said.

Very powerful poem.

Really Nice.. I liked it alot The '' Heroin.'' part just adds this special thing to it Verrry nice

And without her I'm stuck here,
In reality with all its slings,
No numbness to hold me
No dreams to cage me

I have to agree the ''slings'' part is indeed a bit odd
But still a nice job [/quote]

Uh oh, starting to get a bit too proud of this poem. I think i might start writing ALL my poems in the bath.... *cough*