[September Contest] Spaceman

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Your story is about an artist on Mars wandering in the highlands


The artist shut his eyes firmly. The rationalist inside him knew that it was futile; that when he opened them once more he would still be in this wasteland, surrounded by red rock under a heavy grey sky, but the dreamer inside him couldn't help wishing that somehow he could be transported light years across the emptiness of space and wake up in his bed with the slim figure of Bethany curling into him. He would have even taken that claustrophobic hell hole of a cabin inside the ship over this desolate landscape. He opened his eyes once more, and sighed. The red planet still stretched before him through the clear plastic of his helmet.

He continued walking, his dizzy stumble somehow translating into an absurd bouncing motion. There was no point going anywhere, he knew. This was Mars, for God's sake; what could he possibly hope to find except more rocks? But it softened the desperate loneliness pressing down on him a little, to pretend that he was heading somewhere. To ignore the fact that with every breath he took the oxygen in his pack was depleting.

The planet was achingly beautiful in its sterile desolation. It was everything he had hoped for and more. If only he had brushes and paints he could capture it, this bleak rubbled desert: red ochre and burnt sienna streaked across a bare canvas, a little piece of alien landscape to take home and hang on the sitting room wall. Or in the bathroom. Beth was so attached to the array of posters she had gathered over the years that his paintings usually ended up hanging on some out of sight patch of wall in the conservatory or the garden shed.

Bethany, whose finger was threaded through a gold band identical to the one underneath the white glove of his spacesuit; Bethany, who had been sure up until the last minute that he wouldn't really go through with the trip. "Four years?" she'd said, frowning at the excitement he'd been unable to disguise.

"But don't you see?" he'd replied. "This is my chance to see the stars! To walk on another planet! I'll be home before you know it."

He had lived and loved for three decades, and he had seen through his own eyes the slow, majestic turn of the Earth as it spun at one thousand miles per hour. He had been given so much, and he had taken even more, grabbing at opportunities with both hands. To want more time was greedy and selfish, but the artist was afraid. He was going to die alone, cut off from the ship, and his flash and bones would stay whole, unmarked, as the millennia passed by. It saddened him to think of his body lying in the dust, a fallen statue for no one to see.

In, out. Slow, even breaths. He wandered aimlessly, gazing forward at the wide panorama of flat, rusty rock. His oxygen was running out.

In, out. Perhaps his story would make the papers. He would be remembered, for a short while at least.

In, out. Had it been worth it? In another life, with a different choice, he could have been sitting at home, reading a book, or sketching the curve of Beth's jawline, safe and secure.

In -- A sudden constriction in his throat, fingers clawing at the white material. Eyes squeezing shut again, white sparks behind his retina. A frantic scramble and then his arms lowered with calm acceptance.

He sank to the floor.

Thanks for reading! Any reviews are much appreciated. :)
Last edited by Kiwisatsuma on Sun Sep 19, 2010 8:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hey Kiwi :D
Don't worry about the time, I'm free right now so might as well, right? ;)
Alright, on to the review!

The rationalist inside him knew that it was futile; that when he opened them once more he would still be in this wasteland, surrounded by red rock under a heavy grey sky,

I'm pretty sure the sky on mars is blue and pinkish near the horizon. Although, that's what I've read...Anyways, gray can be described as somewhat 'blueish' so it doesn't really matter, haha.
This was Mars, for God's sake; what could he possibly hope to find except more rocks? But it softened the desperate loneliness pressing down on him a little, to pretend that he had a goal. To ignore the fact that with every breath he took the oxygen in his pack was depleting.

I find myself being a bit confused with this. As in what kind of goal?
In, out. had it been worth it?

Capitalize 'had'.

He had lived and loved for three decades, and he had seen through his own eyes the slow, majestic turn of the Earth as it spun at one thousand miles per hour. He had been given so much, and he had taken even more, grabbing at opportunities with both hands. To want more time was greedy and selfish, but the artist was afraid. He was going to die alone, cut off from the ship, and his flash and bones would stay whole, unmarked, as the millennia passed by. It saddened him to think of his body lying in the dust, a fallen statue for no one to see.

This is sad, but how in the world did he lose his ship? Did it break? Don't they have some sort of detector for these things? Even so, I liked the way you've written this, it's done quite well. The descriptions and all really blend in and I liked your vocabulary.
In, out. Slow, even breaths. He wandered aimlessly, gazing forward at the wide panorama of flat, rusty rock. His oxygen was running out.

In, out. Perhaps his story would make the papers. He would be remembered, for a short while at least.

In, out. had it been worth it? In another life, with a different choice, he could have been sitting at home, reading a book, or sketching the curve of Beth's jawline, safe and secure as he lamented the lost opportunity for a moment of greatness.

I think you should have italicized the 'in, out' part here. Also I'm not sure about the last sentence. For some reason it's making me think something else and I can't put my finger on it...So just ignore me lol, if I find out what it is, I'll edit this post.

Overall, however, I think your plot was interesting. I like how it was realistic, although I don't understand why he is on Mars alone and why NASA would even let him go? Anyways, other than that I didn't notice much. Honestly, I enjoyed reading this and I liked your writing. Most of this was just thoughts and descriptions, no real action but it was the man's last moment, so maybe you could have squeezed in some more emotions in the last part? Nonetheless, I liked the story, good job :)

~Shear
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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Hello there Kiwi!

Here as requested.

First of all, I thank you for the good read. The plot itself was interesting and grabbed my attention from the first word until the very last one. And to mention how you depict things around your MC is really good. I think it was only the confusion that started popping out there, which lost a bit of my interest. Also, I don't see this realistic but rather interesting and quite extravagant coming from your unique thoughts, which I am not sure if that probably is a good thing or even a bad thing. And speaking of characters, I think you need more information, let us connect with your main character. It's because my overall impression speaks only of a very plain storyline- about a man who had been living on Mars for almost four years. Plus, I couldn't even relate to him. Why and how could he even live in a very long time there in Mars, with few oxygen tanks?--I don't know. And I also agree with Pink, you should add more of the emotions coming from your character, make it realistic that he is really longing for Bethany. Show a tear rolling down his cheeks, his sad eyes or face or anything that could tell us that he was really all alone and depressed. And especially with your last paragraphs, they were good but I would have expected the ending to be a bit sad, you know. :D

So, let's go at the good things. Your verb consistency is almost perfect and so are your spellings, so I think I can give a handshake for that. haha. Really, I salute you because I have seen a lot of writers who ignores about spelling and worst of all, grammar. Besides, I know you are struggling well with your story because I know you got more up to your sleeve when it comes to potential.So all in all, this is interesting but I think you can do better than this. I apologize in advance if ever you see this review vague or confusing. Hope I helped and PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out! :smt004

~yuri
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal



An existential crisis a day keeps the writer's block away <3
— LadyBug