[September Contest] Wicked

The story generator gave me, "Your story is about a judge sitting in a dentist's chair singing Wicked." Please give me corrections, general or nit-picky. I am determined to correct this thing until Midnight, when I turn into a pumpkin. Thank you! Oh and my story is 955 words incase anyone was wondering. I think Mr. Diggs' name took up most of them, hehehe.
Here's a link to the poem that accompanies it: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic69695.html. I imagine the poem to take place after this story though, so read this first! Thanks again!

Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkle Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs had a dentist appointment at precisely 3:00 pm. He arrived at the pristine office building with the esteemed Dr. Reality at 2:59. After checking in with the receptionist, (which took a considerable amount of time due to his long name), Mr. Diggs was sent to the dentist’s back room. He stiffly sat in the slightly reclined dentist chair while scrutinizing his surroundings.

The room was rather spacious, well equipped, and exceedingly tidy. It was, however, tainted by an unsightly skid mark in the western corner of the room. Also there was an extremely disturbing collection of old “Wizard of Oz” figurines in a cabinet on the wall. Mr. Diggs stared at the figurine of the evil green witch in black cloth as he absent mindedly started to sing music from the musical, “Wicked”:

She’s dead!
The Witch of the West is dead
The wickedest witch there ever was
The enemy of, blah blah blah blah blah,
Is dead!

His train of thought suddenly moved to a memory of a Kansas courtroom. There, Aalia Al Farran, a Muslim middle-aged woman, was on trial for robbing and murdering a young Caucasian woman. Since Aalia lived next door to the crime scene, was an impoverished single mother, and wore a black burqa, just as the murderer did, it was clear to Mr. Diggs that she was guilty.

As judge, Mr. Diggs wanted to insure that the Muslim was properly punished. So as he told the jury to make their verdict, he put noticeable emphasis on the word "guilty" and rolled his eyes after he said “not guilty”. The jurors trusted his judgment and took the hint. Every one of them voted her guilty of a crime punishable by death. She chose to die by electric chair.

Dr. Reality opened the door and walked in the room, catapulting Mr. Diggs back into the present. “So, what seems to be the problem?” Dr. Reality asked while turning the overhead light on.

“Well, I have an ache in my gums,” Mr. Diggs said. “I’m certain it is from my wisdom teeth. You see my old dentist told me that I was born without them, but I know that he is wrong.”

“How can you be so sure that the problem is not something else?” Dr. Reality asked with an amused chuckle.

Mr. Diggs took the question just like he took everything; seriously. He considered the inquiry for a bit and could not find the answer he wanted. He looked into the overhead light as if it could give him an answer. “I don’t know,” he said at last.

“Okay, then how about I go and take a look at your old x-rays to see if your wisdom teeth showed up?” Dr. Reality said as he headed towards the door. “I’ll be back with the results shortly.”

How do I know I’m right? Mr. Diggs thought to himself. Suddenly he felt nauseous. He squinted at the bright overhead light that seemed to blind him. His mind flickered to the woman that had been put to death by electric chair. He thought about how life must have been difficult for her, raising two children all alone. What would happen to those children? Suddenly he sat up and started to sing to himself, avoiding the light and his worrisome thoughts.

Mr. Diggs sighed in relief, enjoying mental peace for a moment. He was happy. Or at least he was until his eyes drew to the menacing little figurines. He walked towards them, looking closely at the Wicked Witch of the West. Somehow there was a kindness in her eyes that he hadn’t seen before. That’s odd, he thought to himself, scanning the other figurines to see if they seemed different as well. Suddenly Mr. Diggs’ eyes grew wide. He was wearing a suit with the exact same pockets and tailoring as Dr. Oz. He didn’t like that one bit. Dr. Oz was so infuriating, so ignorant…

Dr. Reality walked back into the room. “You have no wisdom teeth, you never did,” he said.

Mr. Diggs’ face went white. He staggered backwards a little like a sword just stabbed him.

Dr. Reality looked at him as if he was a crazy, melodramatic idiot.

“Excuse me; I have to go to the restroom,” Mr. Diggs quickly mumbled.

Dr. Reality pointed him in the right direction and Mr. Diggs ran down the hallway. Once Mr. Diggs entered the bathroom, he ran to the sink and grabbed it with both hands. He couldn’t support his weight alone. The mirror was inches away from his face. He looked into it, daring to meet his eyes.

He was wrong. How could anyone have identified Aalia as the killer? She was completely covered in a heavy, black cloth. Why would she kill someone so close to her home? She wouldn’t. What was her alibi at the time? He had no idea. He hadn’t listened to her defence attorney.

He felt beside himself with grief. He searched helplessly around him but no one was there. Of course it would have been extremely embarrassing if someone was, but Mr. Diggs didn’t care. He needed someone to turn to.

Buzzzz, buzzzzz, buzzzzz. He could hear a tooth cleaner from next door. He thought of the patient who must be squirming in pain in the dentist chair. Buzzzz, buzzzz, buzzzz, the sound continued. All of a sudden Mr. Diggs cracked, breaking into song.

I loved this! It was amusing and great! I'm writing for the contest too. I wish you luck!
Keep Writing!
Nike:)

Hey there!

This story is certaintly interesting. You took an odd, silly prompt and wrote a story that's strange and, upon rereading, quite sinister. Still, I think this could be improved in some ways.

The room was rather spacious, well equipped, and exceedingly tidy. It was, however, tainted by an unsightly skid mark in the western corner of the room. Also there was an extremely disturbing collection of old “Wizard of Oz” figurines in a cabinet on the wall.

All these words like 'rather' and 'extremely' don't add anything to the story, they just pad out your sentences unnecessarily. Also, words like 'exceedingly' sound oddly formal, like you're writing an essay rather than a story. I would suggest taking them out. It's not just this paragraph, it's the ones before it as well. It improves as it goes along, but near the beginning it feels like you're using long words just for the sake of it. Longer isn't necessarily better.

His stream of consciousness suddenly moved to a Kansas courtroom.

The way you've phrased this is a little odd. A stream of consciousness is usually somebody saying or writing everything they say, as it comes out, and it isn't usually used to mean someone's train of thought. It might make more sense if you made it clear that he was remembering, or drifting off, or something.

The facts of the case were: an upper class white female was robbed and killed by a woman in a black burqa, the Muslim on trial lived next door to the crime scene, the defendant also was an impoverished single mother who obviously needed money. Case closed. As judge, Mr. Diggs wanted to insure that this Muslim was properly punished.

So, I assume what's being suggested here is that the guy's decision to make sure the woman was convicted was due to racism? That becomes clearer later on in the story, but at this part it just seems strange that you're stressing the race, religion and class of these people so much. You don't have to shove this down readers' throats. Mentioning once that the defendant is a Muslim is enough.

“How do I know I’m right?” Mr. Diggs thought to himself. All of a sudden he felt nauseous. He squinted at the bright overhead light that seemed to blind him. His mind flickered to the woman that is now dead by electric chair. He thought about how life must have been difficult for her, raising two children all alone. What would happen to those children?

You slipped into present tense for a sentence there. Also, this sudden change of heart seems a little unrealistic to me. If he gave his 'guilty' verdict due to a deep seated prejudice (which is what it seems to be) then why would he suddenly realise the error of his ways due to some vague remarks from his dentist? If he couldn't find any compassion and empathy inside him during the court case, why has it appeared in him now? I think this might work better if at this point it was just vague seeds of unease planted in him, which grow over the course of the story.

Dr. Reality walks back into the room. “You have no wisdom teeth, you never did” Dr. Reality said.

Present tense again. Also, repeating his name twice in quick succession sounds a bit funny. It would work better as "he said." And you need a comma after "you never did". This is interesting though, if odd.

Buzzzz, buzzzzz, buzzzzz. He could hear a tooth cleaner from next door. He thought of the patient who must be squirming in pain in the dentist chair. Buzzzz, buzzzz, buzzzz, the sound continued.

Creeepy! I love the parallels between the dentist's chair and the electric chair.

He felt beside himself with grief. He searched helplessly around him, no one was there, (it would have been extremely embarrassing of course if someone was, but Mr. Diggs didn’t care).

I'm not sure about putting asides in brackets like this. I would suggest either taking it out of brackets or taking it out altogether. Also, this second sentence is a comma splice. It might sound better with a conjunction: "He searched helplessly around him, but nobody was there."

So, overall, I found this an enjoyable read. I love the way you didn't just insert random Wicked songs, you took it further and and had the character metaphors. Still, it didn't really flow very well at the beginning and, to me, the transition from the judge unwilling to give the defendant to the man overcome with guilt happened too suddenly. Also, it wasn't clear at first that the scene in the courtroom was a memory, and the description of the court case felt a bit rushed to me. With a few changes I think this could be really great though.

PM me if you have any questions or want to discuss any aspect of this!

Thanks for the messages! I'm glad you guys appreciated all of the connections I made to Dr. Oz, and the Wicked Witch of the West, and the electric chair, etc. And thank you Kiwi for all of the critiques. Just to let you know, I do think I'm gonna keep all of the excessive, obnoxious, large words in the beginning. I think it creates the right kind of atmosphere for Mr. Diggs, if that makes any sense anywhere except for in my mind... I hope you can see the other adjustments that I made. The one that I wish I could apply more is how Mr. Diggs should take more time with his revelation. I just don't think I can let him take much more time than I changed it to because it is a short story. I've already used most of my alloted words and creating another step inbetween would deffinately take me over the word count. I hope that the three steps, ignorance, in between, and enlightenment, are enough. Thanks again for the help! I really appreciate it!
Oh, and just so everyone knows, I did try to make the entire essay the same font size, and several hours and edits later, I have little to show for it. Please just bear with me on it and know that it was not intentional, I'm just technology-challenged

Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkle Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs had a dentist appointment at precisely 3:00 pm.

Why is his name so long? Unless there is a good reason -- which you haven't shown us -- than the excessive names are simply distracting, and tallying away at your word count.

Mr. Diggs took the question just like he took everything, seriously.

The comma between "everything" and "seriously" should be either a colon or a semi colon.

“How do I know I’m right?” Mr. Diggs thought to himself.

Thoughts should be italicized, and, unless you're person is thinking about something someone said, without quotation marks.

All of a sudden he felt nauseous.

"All of a sudden." Other than a few rare exceptions, I hate this phrase. Instead, say "suddenly" or perhaps "without warning." Those follow the more professional tone that this is trying to set.

He walked towards them looking closely at the Wicked Witch of the West.

There should be a comma between "them" and "looking."

He was wrong. How could anyone have identified Aalia as the killer? She was completely covered in a heavy, black cloth. Why would she kill someone so close to her home? She wouldn’t. What was her alibi at the time? He had no idea. He hadn’t listened to her defence attorney.

While this enlightening on his part is a good thing, I don't think it should be so blunt. How could he possibly know that she was innocent; just because he held prejudice against her? Instead, make him feel guilty not because he's so sure she's innocent -- for really no apparent reason -- but because he didn't give her a chance. Because, while she may be guilty, she may not be guilty, and she was given no chance to prove herself.

Wicked

Okay, so I've never seen the musical -- or even heard much about it; I didn't even know it was about The Wizard Of Oz -- so I'm probably missing out on a lot of things that are relating to it. However, for someone ignorant in that way, it made sense for the most part, and I was able to follow along and understand what he was getting at. For that, I commend you.

Dialogue

There are several things in writing that scream to me "Amateur!" but none of them bug me so much as incorrectly punctuated dialogue. And that, my dear YWSer, is something that I find you often have. Worry not! This is something that many writer's struggle with, and I happen to know a nifty little tutorial that, if applied to your writing, will solve this problem. Dialogue Punctuation

Overall

This is a nice piece. It needs some fine-tuning, but with a little tweaking it'll be ship shape in no time! I'd say that if you had more words to use, drag things out a bit, to add tension, also to make Mr. Diggs sudden breakdown more believable, but seeing as you're limited in word count, this is pretty good. Still, when word count is an issue, don't waste it on needless words -- such as the extraordinarily long name. If you cut down on the fluff, you have more to work with on the raw emotions of the piece.

Hope I wasn't too harsh. And that I helped.

loveness, ultraviolet

Hey Mirrorgal, Pink here!
Thanks for the request
So, I'll do my best to finish this, although I'm not sure about the poem. I have work tomorrow and I don't think I'll make it before dying X|
Less rambling, more reviewing, eyy?

Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkle Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs had a dentist appointment at precisely 3:00 pm. He arrived at the pristine office building with the esteemed Dr. Reality at 2:59. After checking in with the receptionist, (which took a considerable amount of time due to his long name), Mr. Diggs was sent to the dentist’s back room. He stiffly sat in the slightly reclined dentist chair while scrutinizing his surroundings.

Holy pigglets, this dude has a long name. Humorous I like it.
Now, I do think this part was done with a lot of stiffness. As in, he did this and he did that. Although that might have been to add to the strict atmosphere but I can't exactly be sure.

“Well, I have an ache in my gums.” Mr. Diggs said.

Comma instead of period after gums.

“Okay, then how about I go and take a look at your old x-rays to see if your wisdom teeth show up?”

Do you mean showed up? As in past tense?

Dr. Reality said as he headed towards the door.

Also I suggest you change the said to asked because the quote was a question.

“That’s odd,” he thought to himself scanning the other figurines to see if they seemed different as well.

Seems to me there should be a sort of comma after himself.

“You have no wisdom teeth, you never did.” He said.

Comma after did, not period. Notice the correct way quotes should be punctuated.
"I think you dropped this," the man said, picking up the pen, "it belongs to you, correct?"
"I don't like the way you think!" he exclaimed.
"Now, I believe you," he said.
Those are just examples but if you still have some trouble, I suggest you brush up on those little rules.

Buzzzz, buzzzzz, buzzzzz. He could hear a tooth cleaner from next door. He thought of the patient who must be squirming in pain in the dentist chair. Buzzzz, buzzzz, buzzzz, the sound continued. All of a sudden Mr. Diggs cracked, breaking into song.

I also love this part. I mean I like the way it's written, it really brings out the suspense.

Overall, I think you did a pretty good job with this and the plot idea. I liked it and it was definitely fun to read. A bit of humor but a deep message. Now, there are a few things I think you could have worked on. For instance, some of the flow seemed choppy. It was lacking in descriptions in some parts but with the word count, I guess you'd have to cut a few things out, huh? Also, I think him being a judge should have taken more time to evaluate the case. Maybe he wasn't listening or didn't take it much interest but a judge has to be serious, they are judging peoples lives, you know? That was the bit that upset me but the guy learned his lesson and hopefully he would listen to everything so no innocent people die. About the Wicked part, I have never watched it but the in the ending, was he talking about himself or the lady? *scratches had* I think he was talking about himself...Ack, I don't know! It's late and I'm tired. But, hey-o nice story! I liked reading it!
Thank you,

~Shear

Thank you Shear and Violet for the in-debth reviews. You guys are so amazing! Thank you, both of you, especially for the mini dialect tutorials. I was so very very lost in the world of comma rules, but you saved me! yay you! Just some individual stuff to reply to your questions:
Violet- The long name has a meaning to those who read "Wizard of Oz" the book. I know that atleast 99% of you guys probably haven't but for the point-whatever% that has, it'll add a little bonus something and for everyone else it'll just add a bit of comedy. So, I'm sorry but I'm being an evil word hoarder and keeping it.
Shear- I'm angry at Mr. Diggs too, so you're not alone, And who the last phrase was refering to, well I guess that's a mystery, although I, myself, am leaning towards one person. You'll have to send angry threatening walruses in order to find out which one though. Untill then...