[September Contest] Attack of the Killer Sea bear!

Sam blinked through the sea spray. “Captain, it’s gaining!” The note of panic in his voice was genuine as he watched the live bear run towards the back of the ship. It had white teeth against blue fur, and it roared with the sound of the breakers on a rugged shoreline. It kicked up water as it ran across the surface. Sam’s knees shook, the badge sewn onto his uniform denoting him as a new sailor, a greenhorn, a landlubber.

Sam managed to stumble back, croaking to the older man, “what is it?”
“It’s the Sea Bear of the Bermuda triangle!” The captain shouted. “Watch out, here it comes!” They both braced themselves as the ship rocked under them, and although the spray was too thick to tell, Sam knew it was the bear crashing into the steel hull. There was a roar and then silence, and the boat rocked gently back to a steady rhythm. Sam and his captain waited, and swallowed. The boat was small, and most of the crew had already been taken by the cruel claws of the sea, this beast of the water.

Sam’s face screwed up in childlike terror, he whined to the other survivor. “Captain, will the ship hold?”
“Aye, laddy, she will. Now quit blubbering like a land lubber and keep an eye out for the beast.” The captain’s hands were white on the wheel, knowing full well that the motor had been damaged, and they were only at half power, and therefore half speed. It didn’t help that his instruments were swinging around wildly, pointing him in no particular direction at all.

Sam’s eyes widened in horror and he pointed, screaming “Here he comes! Captain, quickly, we must- shit. Line!”

“Cut!” The cameras wound down and a general murmuring surrounded the exhausted Sam as he swore at himself, standing still for the make up team who flocked him the moment the cameras stopped rolling.

“Peter, your line is ‘we must make for shore, we will not survive against This Terrible Beast! Take it from the top.” A voice called from the other side of the hose, which was riddled with holes spewing ‘sea spray’ at the boat. The boat itself was balanced on an axis, with hidden ropes that went slack, allowing the boat to settle on a permanent tilt. Peter nodded to show he understood, and stared at the blue fabric monstrosity, wondering how he was supposed to pretend it was real all over again.

There were no dry costumes, so ‘Sam’ had to be pre-emptively wet as he went back to the back of the ship, and gripped the rail firmly. The ropes went tight and slack, and the bear was started up again. Sam squinted as the hose sprayed a fresh wave over him.

“Action!”

Sam blinked through the sea spray. “Captain, it’s gaining!”

Spoiler

Prompt: Your story is about an actor in the Bermuda Triangle running away from a bear

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Hi Nutty, I'm Jai :3

The opening paragraph was amazing. Just saying It was completely attention-grabbing and it made me absolutely eager to read more.

Sam and his captain waited, and swallowed.

Did they both swallow?

Sam’s face screwed up in childlike terror, he whined to the other survivor. “Captain, will the ship hold?”

I don't think this fits with the way I perceive Sam's character. Just the word "whined" seems out of place. Maybe "he desperately asked" would fit better.

Sam’s eyes widened in terror and he pointed, screaming, “Here he comes! Captain, quickly, we must- shit. Line!”

You've mentioned his terror twice now - could you find a synonym?

“Cut!” The cameras wound down and a general murmuring surrounded the exhausted Sam as he swore at himself, standing still for the make up team who flocked him the moment the cameras stopped rolling.

omg, what?! *laughs* That's fantastic! I was so not expecting that! *hi fives*

The boat itself was balanced in on an axis, with hidden ropes that went slack, allowing the boat to settle on a permanent tilt.

Just wow, this story was awesome. The twist was incredible - I was wondering how you'd make the story sound realistic at all, and you circumnavigated that need by making it a movie. Perfect ending. Where did you come up with the idea?

I really liked this, and I can think of no other way to improve it - maybe (if you have enough words left in your 1000 count) you could describe what the Captain is wearing.

Loved this!

- Jai

Ah. Very nice.

The twist was, of course, unexpected, but I felt it came a little too early to have maximum impact. I see that this is a contest entry, and so perhaps (due to word constraints) this can't be changed for the entry. If, however, you were writing this "for real", then you would give more time to the build up?

The Chase
This is a chase scene, right? It's excitement filled. There's danger. There's a bear running after a ship!

I felt you pulled this off to an extent, but I would personally like to see a few more short sharp sentences. Fragments work too. To create the feel of excitement you may have to stray more into the poetic techniques of monosyllabic passages and alliteration/assonance/sibilance to bring it alive.

the cruel claws of the sea

This worked. Love that.

The captain’s hands were white on the wheel, knowing full well that the motor had been damaged, and they were only at half power, and therefore half speed.

This, I feel, didn't work so well.

Consider something like:

The captain’s hands were white on the wheel. He knew the motor was damaged. Barely at half power. Half power meant half speed. And half speed meant that the bear was gaining.

This really isn't perfect. But it kind of illustrates my points: I kept "were white on the wheel" for the awesome alliteration, I shortened sentences, I made one a fragment (not too sure it works, but you get the idea), and the final sentence is mainly monosyllabic.

The Reveal
The twist actually made me laugh. In a good way, of course! You manage to make a scene that is already pretty ridiculous into something that, in a weird way, kind of makes sense. Love it.

Perhaps though, you could string that bit out more? I know the problems with word limits, but let's forget that for a second.

If you've ever been acting, on set or stage, you'll know the excrutiating eternity of the time between forgetting your line and asking for the prompt. It's awful. You're doing fine; it's all going well. You feel like you're just getting into the swing of things when-- Oh... Shit. Where did...? I...

To the person who blanks, it feels like hours. Perhaps you could extend that particular moment to give it the emphasis that Peter will feel it deserves? It also delays the grand reveal of the twist, and would help the build-up too.

Conclusion
A genius idea. Really. I loved the twist, and I only make these nit-picky comments because I think it could be even better. You dealt with a tough brief in a professional way; I wouldn't have known where to start with that one! The result is something original and actually almost believable. All I recommend is that you look at the two sections I've pointed out and see if you feel they need adjusting. There's nothing "wrong" that I could see, so it's all opinion and taste from here on! Take a critical eye to your piece and see what you can do.


Charlie

Sam blinked through the sea spray. “Captain, it’s gaining!” The note of panic in his voice was genuine as he watched the live bear run towards the back of the ship. It had white teeth against blue fur, and it roared with the sound of the breakers on a rugged shoreline. It kicked up water as it ran across the surface. Sam’s knees shook, the badge sewn onto his uniform denoting him as a new sailor, a greenhorn, a landlubber.

Right there.
Amazing opener, making me read, though, truthfully, I didn't read any of the other entries.

This was a funny, quirky little write, which I liked.
I also liked, although it was a topic, how you had Sam and everyone else actors.
Made a nice little twist
~WickedWonder

Hi there Nutty! Tis WD here! This was really fun to read. Like others have mentioned, I liked the reveal here, and I was not expecting it. It was rather humorous. Very fun. I'm just going to go through, point out some things and make a few general notes, kay?

Sam blinked through the sea spray. “Captain, it’s gaining!” The note of panic in his voice was genuine as he watched the live bear run towards the back of the ship. It had white teeth against blue fur, and it roared with the sound of the breakers on a rugged shoreline. It kicked up water as it ran across the surface. Sam’s knees shook, the badge sewn onto his uniform denoting him as a new sailor, a greenhorn, a landlubber.

This paragraph is fine up until the last sentence, which is awkward. 'Denoting him as a new sailor' is icky. ^^

“It’s the Sea Bear of the Bermuda triangle!” The captain shouted. “Watch out, here it comes!” They both braced themselves as the ship rocked under them, and although the spray was too thick to tell, Sam knew it was the bear crashing into the steel hull. There was a roar and then silence, and the boat rocked gently back to a steady rhythm. Sam and his captain waited, and swallowed. The boat was small, and most of the crew had already been taken by the cruel claws of the sea, this beast of the water.
Sam’s face screwed up in childlike terror, he whined to the other survivor. “Captain, will the ship hold?”

So, the Sea Bear of the Bermuda Triangle sounds outrageous--and I think you did that on purpose. But I feel like the story is wavering between whether it wants to emphasize the fakeness of the scene that is being acted out or the honest emotion in the scene that is being acted out. We get pieces about the Sea Bear and then we get Sam's honest body language. I feel like it would be interesting to explore Sam's interaction with the scene he is playing. Does he honestly get into the scene despite the outrageous names? Or does he remain unconvinced and just act? Something to keep in mind--could be fun to tailor the prose either way.

“Aye, laddy, she will. Now quit blubbering like a land lubber and keep an eye out for the beast.” The captain’s hands were white on the wheel, knowing full well that the motor had been damaged, and they were only at half power, and therefore half speed. It didn’t help that his instruments were swinging around wildly, pointing him in no particular direction at all.

Switching to the captain's POV? Abrupt transition.

Sam’s eyes widened in horror and he pointed, screaming “Here he comes! Captain, quickly, we must- shit. Line!”

Another moment where the story seems to be unsure whether it wants to take the side of fakeness or honest emotion. 'Scream' is a very extreme verb here, such that it seems dreadfully fake.

“Peter, your line is ‘we must make for shore, we will not survive against This Terrible Beast! Take it from the top.” A voice called from the other side of the hose, which was riddled with holes spewing ‘sea spray’ at the boat. The boat itself was balanced on an axis, with hidden ropes that went slack, allowing the boat to settle on a permanent tilt. Peter nodded to show he understood, and stared at the blue fabric monstrosity, wondering how he was supposed to pretend it was real all over again.

We learn his real name is Peter here, and we get the impression that it's hard for him to act like the scene is real, but I would LOVE to see more of Peter's attitude towards the scene here. By changing the name, you effectively jolt us out of a 'Sam-mindset' and into a 'Peter-mindset', and I think that calls for some elaboration on Peter's character and reactions.

All in all, I thought this was cute and fun to read. The writing, for the most part, is pretty good and the characters are coming across pretty well, but I feel like this story can go a step deeper as it explores the interaction between real actor and fictional world. There is a whole boatload of possibilities with this, and I feel like the story is trying to go there, but is not quite stepping down that road. So, keep that in mind as you revise. I hope this helps!

Nice job! Keep writing! And if you have any questions, feel free to PM me!