Illusion

Flower here, finally I have found the right poem. I am truly and deeply sorry for the mistake. I also want to apologize for being late, I never thought I could be capable of doing that, but Algebra II is killing me. Anyway on to the poem. I do like this poem, but I do think that it needs to be expanded. It's not nessecary, but I think it would do the poem a lot of good. Right now it is just constant repitition, and some of the words dont make sense to me. I think some imagery and description, and maybe even some metaphors would work in this poem. Like if you gave an idea of a trick, or a magic trick.

Another thing that I noted was the constant repitition of "is it." The repition is annoying, and it is so better off without it. See how this sounds, it is quite a bit shorter, but you know add length to it and it would matter.
An illusion, what is it?
is it a trick,
or a drink,
magic,
or is it my eyes,
my mind,
or my imagination,
is it an impression,
or is it my life,
is it the world,
is it real?

or does it just seem to be?[/quote]
Ok, scratch the thing about it being shorter, but it is still short. I do think it sounds better like this though. Anyway work on the things I mentioned above, and this could be a very succesful poem. It is already good, but why not make it great?

If you need anything feel free to pm me. Or you can write on my wall, whichever works.

-Flower-

Hi Watch,

This poem is good for a first post. I like the concept of question the subject. But, I'm not entirely sure its a poem. I haven't written any poems myself, but I've been reviewing them - it's all I've reviewed! So I have a good understanding of one.

For this to be a better poem, it needs to be expanded. Explain things like your emotions and give some imagery. While I was reading this, I didn't feel that much, or my mind didn't see that much. It needs depth and description. It seems you've questioned illusions a lot, then at the end there's no answer or ending. It felt like it chopped off and led nowhere.

Expand it and release its potential. Best wishes!

RedLeaf

first of all pretty good!
if this is your poem keep writing. still needs some work

ok i have a lot to say so lets get started:
WARNING: i tend to review harshly so beware.


An illusion, what is it?
is it a trick,
is it a drink, i dont understand this part. a drink? that doesn't make sense
is it magic,
is it my eyes, once again im lost
is it my mind,
is it my imagination,
is it an impression, i like this part
is it my life,
is it my world, these to give me the same feeling over again so you might want to change one.
is it real?

or does it just seem to be? this is the perfect end!

it is a very very good poem.it is short but it says a lot if you know what I mean.keep on writing.

I thought this was very good for your second post! I like the idea of the poem and the structure is great. It is very simple but smart and good to read. Well done!
-Matt

watchmeburn wrote:Hey everyone, this is just something I thought of. It is not much of a peom and it is very short. I'm really not sure what it is. (This is my second peice on YWS). Please it me know what you think. Enjoy...
This is just a peice that highlights what an illusion is to all differnt types of people. ________________________________________________________________________________


An illusion, what is it?
is it a trick,
is it a drink,
is it magic,
is it my eyes,
is it my mind,
is it my imagination,
is it an impression,
is it my life,
is it my world,
is it real?

or does it just seem to be?

i realy like it and keep up the good work

Well...we can't really judge whether mine is better or not, because we approached the word "illusion" from two completely different perspectives!

And besides, the last line...is AWESOME! I love it.

~Blue

P.S. It is too a poem, so don't listen to that person! I write and review and read a lot of poetry, and this is definitely a poem! Sure, you could expand it if you wanted to, but a poem can be simple, so this is just fine.

What an interesting poem...I liked how you discribed what an illusion could be it was a small poem but very interesting
enoyed it......its amazing how just a really small poem can give emotive to the reader keep the good work up!!.
LightningBolt

This is fascinating, I love how snappy it is, and how effective!
I'm sorry I don't have much to add, probably just that starting every sentence with 'is it' gets a little repetive, I recognize that that's probably the effect you're going for, but maybe only use it at the start of one sentence in three, as it doesn't go very well with the snappiness of the poem.
Other than that, awesome!

Nice! short and sweet, and it makes you think. Though, i think that if you expanded on it, it could be a little deeper, and would give the reader more insight on your point and more to dwell upon. It sounds like it would make a great, full-out poem.
Nice work!

Alright, so, this is a really strong, really lovely poem. It shows that not everything is what is seems and It could be just that-an illusion.
The short simplicity of the poem really help just capture the mood, which I loved.
The only thing I would suggest is not using 'is it' too much.
It get repetitive.

But, other then that, good job
~WickedWonder

Oi vey... how can I put this... this isn't poetical, it's not even that well done, it's just a series of answers for a question that doesn't even try sound nice, or look pretty. it's like if you looked up a confused dictionary on the word Illusions. it has no idea what to say so spits out as many meanings as possible hoping one to stick. You can't just ask a question throw a couple of words at a wall and hope it sticks. It can't work like that. And the ending makes no sense. I can't really say much about this, sure it ignores the guideline of show don't tell, but it's also burns the book with the guideline in. I've heard of breaking the rules, but flat out ignoring them, is that wise, seriously?

Overall: I can't call this poetry, and I'm not one of those snooty people who prefer structure, I often go for unstructured poems, but in your case it's not even resembling a poem. If this poem was meant to be a banana it would be a cake.

Sorry can't be much help.

Not much of a poem, but a ~fantastic~ raw idea. I love it.
I think if you expanded on this a little it would be brilliant, just add some imagery and something to make the readers see and feel everything, make them wonder what the illusion is just like you wondered what it is.
I do have to agree slightly with Paladin, it's not exactly poetry the way it is, but it's got some good potential and all it needs is a little work.

Best of luck, lots of love,
Alice