Ingeniosus. Chapter two:

Hey, this is the second chapter to my novel and i was just wondering what you all thought.
I posted the first chapter a few days ago and apparently it was good.
So im looking forward to the critisism
Love Georgie xxXXxx

“Where have you been? It’s ten-thirty and your father and I were so worried” my mother, Elena basically yelled at me. “And who was that boy?” I felt invaded, like if she walked in on me in the shower.
“Mum, first of all Max is not my father, my father is in prison! Max is better than my father but he still isn’t my father! Secondly I noticed the time and I'm sorry, I had to clear my head and thirdly that boy is named Jai Payne and he lives a few houses down. I met him at Raphael’s Angel’s it’s a club, and lastly I’m tired and I'm going to bed!” I shouted at her, I was furious, she wrecked my night; it had gone from dreamy and blissful one minute, to miserable and cranky the next. I stormed off to my room and collapsed on my bed. I heard her saying something along the lines of Max is a better father figure than Chase Morgan would ever have been. Chase was my real father and the last time I saw him was when I was ten and I told him I didn’t want anything to do with him; he was a short red-headed man that deserved to rot in the hell hole he had been in for almost the last seventeen years.

My eye lids became heavy and before I knew it I fell into a deep sleep. I dreamt of a dark, gloomy street, with only one or two old, dusty, spider webbed street lights working. The ground was stone and rubble and in the distance was a dark evil looking creature. At first glance it looked like a big black dog, yet far more frightening, it was not any kind of human... I screamed as I woke up in a cold sweat, twisted in my blue sheets. My dreams nearly always came true but in the past I would only dream about a class trip or test answers or a fire alarm, which I welcomed to predict. But this... I hoped never came true. I was still wearing the clothes that I wore last night and my hair was in a tangled mess. Max walked into the room looking distressed and a bit anxious, I told him it was just a dream as I rolled over and pulled my head under my pillow. I woke up again, surprised to hear my phone buzzing so early in the morning. I searched my bed side table with my eyes shut until my hand closed around my small white phone. The screen was lit up and displayed some writing saying ‘One new message from Jai Payne’. I smiled at the thought of him and opened the message.

I had been laying under my warm, violet doona cover for hour’s texting Jai. We talked about all the basic details of each other’s lives before we decided we would meet at a park just around the corner. I jumped up out of bed so fast I got a head rush and had to sit back down. Once I was up, I put on my grey cardigan and black skirt, put a clip in my hair to keep it out of my eyes and rushed to the kitchen to eat some breakfast, I hadn’t eaten anything since we arrived in New York, and I was starving!

I locked the front door and started walking up the path toward where the park was suppose to be, headphones in listening to my iPod. I was in the middle of the chorus of my favourite song; ‘I Love The Way You Lie’, when I got a funny feeling deep down in my gut so I pulled out my headphones and heard the sound of footsteps behind me. I held my breath as I turned around to face the footsteps... It was Jai, I exhaled and relaxed completely. He was dressed in dark denim shorts and a gray singlet, his metal chain around his neck. His hair was as shaggy and as gorgeous as when I had first met him and his eyes were a liquid chocolate colour.
“Hey stranger” he called out and waved at me.
“Hey yourself” I said and grinned, I stopped walking to let him catch up to me. We walked the rest of the way in silence, listening to the cars zoom past and the trees whistling in the wind.
“So what have you done without me since last night?” he asked.
“Well first of all I got yelled at for being home late, slept, had a creepy dream, ate breakfast and texted you all morning while laying in bed” I smiled at how silly I probably sounded.
“You’re life is just so boring without me in it, you have no prince or knight in shining armour, how will you ever go on?” he said dramatically, so full of himself.
“Of course I can’t go on. Because you make life so much more enjoyable Jai” I said mocking him in the nicest possible way.
“That’s exactly what I thought” he said ignoring the fact that I was ever so slightly picking on him. We walked over and sat on two swings side by side. “So what happened to you before you met my charming self?” he said fairly amused.
“Hmm, long story short, I used to live in the middle of nowhere before Mum, Max and I moved here, I aced nearly all of my schooling. I’ve had only a few boyfriends but not very serious, the most recent was a jerk who dumped me because I was better than him. Oh, and the fact that he thought I was a total nutcase, with ‘evil, enchanted powers’ freaked him out just a little too much, like any sane person. So I wiped his memory of ever telling him. My father is in a top-security prison for the gifted and I recently found out it was because he used his powers for murder just after I was born, because I was too much to handle. When I was ten I told him I didn’t want anything to do with him and I think he deserves to rot in prison. Oh, I’ve had these ‘powers’ since I was six.” I said all of this as quickly as possible, not too sure why I was spilling my guts to him. I was trying to get it over with. My life practically sucked, but I had a need to tell Jai everything from boyfriends to why my dad was in jail. I kept my gaze on a cloud in the sky so Jai didn’t have to see the different emotions washing over my face. The story of my life wasn’t a very happy one, but it was what made me who I am; a puzzle of a teenager who is filled with raging hormones that affect the safety of my secret. Anger overtaking the mind often when it comes to emotional pain and a whole lot of bad choices.
“You can wipe people’s memory and you’ve had powers since you were six?” he said looking stunned.
“Yes I can wipe anyone’s memory” I said as I thought of how I wiped my mother’s memory until she told me I could go to a party. “And yes, since I was six, is that another weird thing about me?” I asked not wanting to hear the answer because I already knew from the look on his face that it wasn’t normal.
“I know only one person who can wipe people’s memories and that’s the professor at my school. Normally we get our powers at the age of ten which are passed down through generation” he said utterly consumed in thought.
“Well it was my father’s gene that made me an outcast, but my mother told me that he was nowhere near as powerful as me” I said with a matter of fact tone.
“I'm sorry about your dad, but I think you turned out perfect” he said as he checked me out, using his eyes to scan me from head to toe and back up to my head again, gazing into my eyes, grinning.

The rest of the day passed too quickly for my liking. We talked, swung on the swings and he flirted regularly. He walked me home and kissed me on the cheek before once again walking off into the darkness. Once I had walked inside I leaned my back against the closed door and smiled up at the roof. I didn’t usually fall for guys, normally I'm quite guarded. But I guess there is an exception to every rule, and Jai was my exception. I like liked Jai Payne. I hadn’t realised my mother was in the room until she spoke,
“Who?” she said, smiling at me in enjoyment of seeing me truly happy, she hadn’t seen me this happy since I had my first kiss, and I hadn’t really kissed Jai yet.
“Jai Payne” I said trying not to smile at the sound of his name coming from my mouth, but I couldn’t and smiled anyway. My mother grinned,
“Details” she said and I tried not to blush but yet again I did.
“Ruggedly handsome, smart, blonde, kind, romantic, witty...” I could have kept rambling on but I stopped because my mother was laughing at me.
“Specific detail, ones that will give me information” she said between laughs. I wasn’t trying to be funny but apparently she thought I was.
“Seventeen, lives three doors down, the one I met last night, has a nineteen year old sister that he lives with, also his best friend Caleb and Caleb’s parents. Smart and is ‘gifted’ like me.” I held up my hands and gestured talking marks with my fingers and my mother’s expression changed just as I had imagined it would; mixed with happiness, confusion and shock.
“Gifted? How?” she said with uncertainty.
“He has abilities just like me, special talents, gifts, powers” I said smiling at the expressions that washed over my mother’s face.
“Umm... behave” she said leaving the room swiftly, visibly unsure of what to say.

Just over a week had passed and I had been on the phone to Jai nearly all the time. My mother laughed every time she caught me on the phone whispering to Jai. Today was the day my mother had arranged for me to start school and I was dreading being the new kid. The one that people stared at all day just trying to figure out if they wanted to know them, let alone speak to them. I just wanted to spend my day with Jai, not some stuck up know it all blonde girly girls that were sure to pick on me because I hardly wore pink. I changed into my favourite gray cardigan and mini denim shorts. I slowly and cautiously walked to the kitchen and ate some cereal, desperately trying not to wake anyone up. I walked out the door locking it behind me and put my headphones in. I was soon interrupted by a voice in my head.
“Oi, Cinderella you dropped your pen.” I turned around, pulled out the headphones and saw Jai; his shaggy blonde hair was only a small aspect of this his eye-catching looks. He was with two others, dressed rather well for going to school, the female was blonde and had her hair cut short and spiked in a kind of pixie cut that matched her perfectly because she was reasonably short. She wore massive bright pink heels, black leggings and a baggy pink top that said ‘CLASSY AND FABULOUS’ in black writing; her eyes were a dark brown like her brother’s and she was gorgeous. The male was tall, not quite as muscular as Jai, his hair was black and he had it cut short like the style you see in the military. He was wearing a white top that had a black pattern on it, making his hair match nicely with his shirt; he was wearing denim shorts and a pair of brightly coloured thongs on his feet.
“Are you going to say hi or do I have to introduce you first?” Jai thought to me. I think I remembered the others names, it was something along the lines of Saag and Caleb, I thought? I picked up my pen and started to fiddle with it.
“Hey, I'm Savanna Ryder” I spoke politely and also very nervously.
“This is Sage and Caleb, and well, you already know me” he smiled. Oh, so it was Sage and Caleb. Well, I was kind of close
“Hello, how do you know my little brother?” Sage spoke, her voice charming and sweet, but also kind of threatening I glanced at Jai who was wearing denim shorts, similar to Caleb’s and a top that said ‘YOU CAN ONLY BE YOUNG ONCE BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS BE IMMATURE’ I thought the top suited him well, but then I suddenly felt out of place, Jai and his sister were wearing tops with writing and Caleb’s had a pattern, mine was a boring green singlet with a grey cardigan over the top. So much for ignoring peer pressure, I thought.
“I met Jai at Raphael’s Angel’s a while ago and we haven’t stopped talking since.” I said nervously. I felt like I was being held hostage and they wanted information out of me that I didn’t even know I had. Jai looked at me and then at his sister and laughed. “What?” I asked him. Was there something on my face I thought, I brushed my hand over my cheek and stared at him? “What?”
“Nothing, it’s just that Sage intimidates you, I can tell from the cute look on your face.” He laughed again and I blushed “oh and now I’ve embarrassed you again, sorry.” He walked over to me and whispered into my ear “I'm sorry Ann, I didn’t mean it” his voice was very gentle and it made me blush even more. He called me Ann, he had just given me a pet name and it wasn’t too bad, and I'm sure my expression must have changed because Jai put a hand under my chin and asked me what was wrong. I looked up at him and wondered how to tell him that he just gave me a pet name that I actually liked instead of beautiful. But then I remembered what I was doing today.
“I have to get to school, are you coming?” I asked
“You’re not serious about going to the Letalis School, are you?” he said grinning. Sage and Caleb both shot him a look that would say shut up Jai, what are you telling this stupid girl.
“Letalis School?” I asked utterly confused. Why would Jai call this school, ‘the Letalis School’? As far as I knew it was ‘Saint ...Something High School’. I was a bit taken back, what did Letalis mean?
“It’s where the humans go to school... Letalis is another name for humans, I thought you knew that” he said without any doubt in his voice. Sage grabbed Jai by the arm and spoke extremely fast, the same way I had spoken to see if Jai could understand me. I understood every word Sage said and it hurt, she obviously didn’t like me very much. I chose not to listen to the rest. I turned around and started to walk the direction I was heading before I stopped to talk. God I was stupid, I had imagined Jai’s sister would want to meet me and for starters wouldn’t want to bitch about me to her brother. I even thought we might be friends, so much for that thought.
“Ann, come back.” Jai yelled before he was suddenly in front of me. I didn’t use the speed side my abilities very much, I didn’t really like running but clearly Jai did because he used his to get in front of me. I hadn’t even realised I was crying until Jai wiped away a few tears running down my cheeks. “I am sorry beautiful. Sage was just being an over protective older sister and didn’t want me to tell you about us because I didn’t tell her that you have the same gifts. I'm sorry Ann” he said. Hmm, I got ‘Ann’ and ‘beautiful’ this time, so he still wanted to keep beautiful as a pet name too, oh well. He pulled me aside off the footpath and to a wooden bench; I sat and looked down at my feet. Jai sat next to me and once again put his hand under my chin. I looked into his dark chocolate eyes; they looked like liquid and today they were peaceful, he was looking right back at me. I must have looked pretty pathetic almost crying in the middle of a street. He pulled me into his arms and I layed my head against his warm chest, I could hear his heart beating slowly, he then whispered into my ear “come with me today, please. You can’t go to the Letalis School.” My heart wanted to say yes, but my brain told me no, for that moment I wanted nothing more than to stay exactly where I was; in Jai’s arms. However that was when reality kicked in...
“Jai, I can’t miss my first day of school” I spoke with disappointment written all over my face.
“But we are going to school... ‘School for the Gifted’” he said and I felt him grin.
“Ok but your explaining this to my mum” I said, lifting up my head to look at him, I smiled and got up off the bench, pulling him up with me.
“Your mum won’t bite my head off for stealing you away from school, will she?” he asked nervously, sliding his fingers through mine.
“I'm sure you’ll be fine. You keep telling how amazing you are, so I'm sure you can convince my mother that your school is better.” I said smiling, looking from our linked hands to his peaceful eyes.
“It’s not an act” he smiled.

Your spelling and grammar was good, but the peice was missing something. Then i realized it was your main character. She seems overly perfect, therefore someone a reader can't bond with. Please take the mary sue test. (http://www.ponylandpress.com/ms-test.html) I'm getting major Mary-Sue vibes from your MC (Suchh as being overly powerful)

I think thats it.
PM me or Write on my wall if you have any questions
~WickedWonder

Hey, George! I'll be your reviewer for today! I just want to mention that I'll flick through the first and second chapter through this review so don't be startled.

“Where have you been? It’s ten-thirty and your father and I were so worried,”

“Hey stranger!” he called out and waved at me.

“Hey yourself!” I said and grinned

“Well first of all I got yelled at for being home late, slept, had a creepy dream, ate breakfast and texted you all morning while laying in bed,” I smiled at how silly I probably sounded.

“Of course I can’t go on. Because you make life so much more enjoyable Jai.” I said mocking him in the nicest possible way.

Okay, you have a real problem here with your dialouge. I am afraid there is a lot more through both the first and the second chapter but there is to much to catch on so I am leaving that you. Firstly there always must be a quotation mark before the end speech mark. ALWAYS! That is just grammar law.

Example: "Kellie said no!" You see how I placed the excalamation mark in, well that goes for every sentence whether you place in a commar or full stop.

Another one would be: "He ran behind the door," Mike shouted. "Quick, catch him!"

Do you get it now, there must always be a quotation mark in dialouge no matter what the case. I don't think I am really explaining this right so here is a link that can help with punctuation within dialouge.

I'm flicking back to the first book for this next part, just so you know. XD

Everything is different now. I can’t be who I used to be, my life is like empting your pockets to find there was nothing there in the first place. Things have changed and my mother said that I should try to fit in with the ‘normal’ kids. But how can I when I am not normal in the first place? I can do things that people only dream of, but sometimes I wish that occasionally I could fit in with others my age.

I was in my new room lying on the cold wooden floorboards. My large vintage bed had just been placed in the far corner of my room and on the other side was a dark wooden desk that had boxes stacked with my things. There was a small TV on top of a shelf filled with books about myths, romance, art, and other books that were made of leather and had gold bindings; these books were given to me by my mum, but I never got round to reading them. I got up and paced slowly into the small, white, tiled bathroom. I could see my messy reflection. Long, dark brown, untidy hair that reached about midway down my back, looking as it needed to be brushed after the long car trip to New York. I have an hourglass figure, which other girls only wished they could have, my eyes are a dark, cloudy blue with sparkly flecks through them, also looking like they needed some sleep. I reached down, splashed some cold tap-water onto my face, and slowly headed to the lounge room to help my Mum and Max finish unpack our things. Max was a nice man, the kind of person that if you dropped a pencil he would gladly pick it up and hand it back to you with a smile. He was tall, slim and had a small scar just above his eyebrow. I liked Max and I was glad my mother chose him as her second husband. The living room was full of bright white lights that only emphasised the lack of furniture. It was a long pale room with delicate lacy curtains hanging over the large white window frames. The floor was different to my room; it had light blue carpet and a dull coloured rug chucked into the middle of the room. I was sick and tired of unpacking, we had just got to big, bad New York City and I had been trapped in this old house. I wanted to be myself but in order to do that I needed room to breathe.

****

I stepped onto the porch, locked the door behind me and headed down the wooden steps. The house was small and the dark bricks only made it look smaller in the afternoon light, the roof was tiled black and the door was made of glass and wood. I started walking past large houses and small units not intending to go anywhere particular until I stopped a few blocks away in front of a bright, busy looking club; the name of it was odd, like something you would expect only in a movie, Raphael’s Angels. I decided I would go in and see what all the fuss was about. The bouncer was too tall as well as having long claw like fingernails and black hair that covered his eyes. He was not a nice looking man; he was the kind you might find in movies as a dark criminal or even a drug lord. However, the weird thing was that he did not scare me at all; he had a kind of welcoming presence about him that made me feel calm.

Inside the club, there were bright coloured lights of pink, gold and some green and blues. The sparkly dance floor was full of sweaty young people all dressed in skimpy outfits, bobbing their heads and shaking or swaying any other body part they could. Off the dance floor, there were young couples embracing and drinks being spilt everywhere. I decided I wouldn’t bother staying, it was getting late and my mother would be stressing. I started to head for the door to leave but I tripped head over heels at someone’s feet. I landed flat on my back, I closed my eyes with embarrassment; I knew someone would be looking at me, probably laughing. I was used to falling over; I was what people would call naturally clumsy. I open my eyes and tried to focus on the blonde figure leaning over me. He was wearing a thick, silver chain around his neck and from what I could see was ruggedly handsome. He offered me his hand to help me up and I took it, he easily pulled me onto my feet, obviously strong, I fixed my favourite black skirt. Without him noticing I slowly moved my hand to the pocket knife concealed in my jacket, I had always been a bit paranoid around strangers.

“Are you ok, beautiful?” said the ruggedly handsome, blonde stranger.

I read the last one and it also has this exact same problem. You move way to fast, way way to fast! It's actually annoying as a reader to keep up with you because I am constantly jumping to see what you're saying. In my opnion, so many things could've been mentioned in this one paragraph. It will not only lengthen your chapter, to a nice size, but will also allow you to explain things in much more depth.

-With the moving in; you could explain why she is? What she is feeling? How she is leaving things? You have to be more insightive. Which mean, you have to devel through these aspects. I didn't catch any of those aspects and if I did, they were applied with small doses. These kind of feelings are important in a story written in first person because they all the reader to know exactly what the MC is experiencing. Without it, the story will just sound plain and the MC will come across emotionless.

-Explainging things such as the house, the town and other characters. Sometimes you'd explain characters so well eg. Max

Max was a nice man, the kind of person that if you dropped a pencil he would gladly pick it up and hand it back to you with a smile. He was tall, slim and had a small scar just above his eyebrow.

And then other times you wouldn't even glance upon it. I'm continusouly guessing what some things will look like because you haven't placed enough depth in it and I am sorry to say but in the first one I didn't even know if it was night or day. The reccomended thing to do would be to read over the two chapters and decide what setting you want, then implement it as best as you can, otherwise it just will confuse the readers.

-Another thing, you characters. They have no life, they seem like drones. Your MC seems superpowered and every other character seems to me like I am looking out a foggy glass window to see them. Characters are important and if not done well enough people will just place the book down. Make your MC have a weakness, not just any old weakness, I mean something shock horror that'll interest the reader. Now, she seems pretty, smart, kind...all things that make and MC boring if all three concepts are used.

It is often okay if there is just one character that isn't the main that has all three, but to tell you the truth, it just makes your MC boring. If you want to maker her pretty, make her airheaded or rutheless. If you want her smart, make it that she doesn't watch what she says and often insults peoples. If you want her kind, make her a cry baby! Just simple tweaks can make your MC more interesting. As for now, I do not like her. She annoys me...Sorry. This also goes for the main guy character. If he is a flirt, make him a lot more intemate (when I mean this I mean a big fat perv!). And not only onto the MC but every other female character. It'll give the story a great component, trust me.

And as the first reviewer pointed out, I cannot really bond {:lol: I said bond} with the MC because she is just to perfect and no human is perfect, what ever race, religion or power they have.

~Apple.

I'm just going to mention that this story has a lot of potential but you really have to work on it. Sorry if I sounded harsh, but thats how you improve.

Hey Georgie!
Sorry it took me soo long to review this. I've been pretty busy, and now that I seem to have free time, I decided to (finally) finish it. Find it in the attachments below.
Keep writing! Looking forward to more. You know I'll love it.
:3
-Madz

Thanks maddy. the next chapter will be up soon enough lol