Jumping Blind #2 [Dogs of War Contest]

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Here is the first part, topic69644.html.

They reconviened and figured out a safe route to the secret passage, no one wanted to risk the as of yet untested device just yet. No more harsh words were said, but there was definitely a crackling tension between them.
Its amazing that I still think I can survive all this, cheers to optimism.
The group moved onward, warrior mages creeping ahead of the group, scanning and occasionally redirecting the group once they reached the open caverns. In the caverns they were split up into four groups to minimize the risk of discovery.
It was a gruesome walk for all of them. Unless it was a cavern that their side had won, bodies and the wounded were strewn pell mell across the floor. Although Sandar once tried to stop the habit, the mages were quick to kill any wounded that they came across before they could give the rest of the group away with their rekindled calls for help.
In one of the caverns a group was discovered by a large party of the enemy. Most of the group wore light mail and dark clothing to hide in the shaddows, but a small group of soldiers wearing a full set of mail followed them in the rear. The group was ambushed as they walked past a hidden alcove. The enemy carried a variety of weapons, anything ranging from a short sword carried by the lighter units, to the spears that most of the heavily armored soldiers carried for holding long narrow passages.
The group was quickly rounded up, the guards slaughtered before they had even the slightest chance to react. Trying to get around the mail the enemy went for the legs or head, trying to at least enough damage to create an opportunity. Most of the time they succeeded, with only one of their own getting killed in the melee. The one mage with the group only had the time to cast a single spell, the next second a mace dashed his head against a wall.
Once the soldiers realized they could get nothing from their prisoners they dispatched them quickly. Uncerimoniously killing them with whatever was at hand, and moving onward into another passage. The remaining light in the cavern combined with the large pool of blood at the soldiers' feet gave a eary red glow to their armor as they walked away.
Sandar found himself clenching every muscle in his body, he relaxed them, feeling a twinge as some of them refused to return to normality. He was however still unnable to speak, and he glanced over at one of the mages, possibly Cravel, it was hard to tell in the darkness. He was sitting on the floor with hands in his lap. Then Sandar realized that all of the mages had instinctively silenced their groups to prevent anymore loss of life.
Ruthless but smart. Everything they do is about stealth. I could never do the things that they do for the sake of the rest of the group
They eventually moved on, the mages waited for some time however, giving everyone a chance to recover. Jaws were released from the spell and the mage in their group gave some potion to a couple people who were grieving for friends or family who had been in the slaughtered group. It didn't stop the tears, but it steadied them, helped them keep moving.
There weren't anymore incidents for a very long time, it took what seemed like hours to traverse traps and patrols. A couple times they ran into a group that was holding out against the attackers. But they were always too well barricaded into their caves for conversation to occur. Once they got a response, but it was merely to tell them to go away before they attracted any attention.
As if the short stone wall and traps made them anymore well hidden.

Eventually they reached their destination. It was one of the smaller caverns, it was set further and lower in the mountain than the others because it was used to store grain and carefully preserved meats.
"Why would you have a secret passage in the farthest corner of set of caverns, further into a mountain than anywhere else you could choose?" Agregor grumbled.
"You said it yourself." Replied Emerson.
"What?"
"Nevermind."
The mages vigorously shook their heads and gave signs to be quiet. Everyone became deathly still. A rat scurried across the floor. The silence seemed to scream at them, willing them to make a move or sound. Nothing. The mages crept forward again and moved toward the back wall. Pots and baskets lay in neat rows along the walls, even in the darkness they could see vermin getting into their food supply. They didn't bother chasing them away, there was no use now.
Emerson tiptoed to the from and walked over to a section of the wall that was unusually smooth, almost like glass. He slipped his hands over it, then, suddenly he motioned for the group to get down and threw himself to the floor. The next second it was if the wall had exploded, little shards of rock flew in all directions, streaking over their heads. Yaxly, one of the guards, was delayed as he forced a young boy to the floor, just before he was about to duck down, one of the shards dropped him. Sandar felt his jaws constrict again.
Looking back to the wall it was possible to see water gushing from cracks in the rock. Emerson had made his way back to it and was crouching by it, setting up wards to hold the wall while searching the floor for something he must have dropped. A sudden jerking motion tore his head from what he had been seeing and redirected it at the cave entrance. A section of rock was starting to sag, threatening to trap them inside the cave with the water that was now a puddle around their feet. The cold water from the glaciers above them started to seep into Sandar's boots, making his feet numb and almost tripping him up with surprise.
Rats and mice rushed from the scene, creating a squeaking and squirming river as they swarmed the entrance to the cavern.
The entire group moved as one massive creature, rushing toward the entrance of the cave, pulling each other along, now shouting to each other, making sure everyone was sticking close.
They finally reached the entrance and Sandar assisted the mages in keeping the roof from caving in. He looked around for Emerson and saw him trudging back through the water, it had reached his knees and from the look on his face, he hadn't been able to stem the flow. The mages started moving to higher ground. One of them reached inside a pocket of the overcoat he was wearing, and pulled out a length of twine, handing one end to one of the civilians, he tossed the other to Emerson and motioned for everyone to assist in pulling him in.
The roof sagged another couple inches as Emerson was dragged closer, absolute terror showed on his face as he thought of the coming seconds.
The twine whipped around the group as it was manipulated into an anchor.
"Run!" Shouted one of the mages.
Everyone started running, pulling Emerson along behined them as there was a loud cracking sound from above.
Sandar and the other mages quickly turned their attention to rocks that were now right above Emerson, slowing them down they created a tunnel through the falling rock as he was dragged the last couple meters to safety.
Sandar looked around, everyone was covered in little cuts and scrapes from the flying rock, and a older man was slumped against the stones across from him, probably unconcious from a flying stone. A mage had already bent down to tend to him.
Strange creatures, the mages, they seemed to know everything about both the healing arts, and the art of killing. That was aside the fact that he didn't know the name of a single one of them. Well, real name. They all had nicknames. Just things for the people to speak about as they went through a town. It was amazing how such a secretive sect of the Philosophers could be so vane.
Sandar called out to the one across from him, "Quartz, will he be able to follow us?"
Quartz grimmaced, he didn't like being called that. It was just something that the others called him, probably some sort of inside joke.
"Yes, he'll collapse once we get there. He should be able to run on fear until then, but we need to move now."
Fear? What did he do to the poor man...
Sandar stood up, Quartz leaned into the man's ear and wispered something to him. They both got up and moved to the front. Sandar shifted his weight to his left leg, he must have cut himself on a sharp rock but hadn't noticed until now. Now there was a long gash on the bottom of his right foot and it was bleeding profusely.
"Resecto resarro." The skin on the bottom of his foot sinched around the wound as he tightened his fist. It had just taken two words to hold it shut, but it was annoying and not a permanent fix. If he stopped holding his right hand clenched in a fist it could get nasty, but he didn't have another way to trasfer a steady force to the wound.

After everything that had happened to them, the group moved through the caverns and tunnels like a wounded animal, looking around, jumping at the slightest sound. But always leaving a trace for the best of trackers. Never able to completely avoid their gaze as they watched from the shaddows, waiting, following, gathering.

No one asked where they were going, it had somehow gotten around that their only remaining choice was to reach the device and leave everything behind. The nervewracking journey was made even worse by the sound coming from adjacent tunnels. It was obvious that the last groups of defenders were falling one by one. Shouts and cries for help reverberated thoughout the tunnel, making it impossible to know where it was coming from. Lanterns had been taken down in many places, and where they remained the enchantments had been so badly damaged by all the fighting that they flickered violently. The group once crept into a cavern where a pitch battle was taking place quietly. The two mages stood on the far end of the cavern, bodies strewn around themselves. The mages and Sandar crept forward to see if they could identify the one that was on their side, but both were so covered in blood and grime that it would have been impossible to be sure. One of them carefully lifted a rock in the air and hurled it across at the other. Although the other mage noticed at the last moment they were caught off guard and while doging the stone, were hit by another spell and thrown against the wall that stood behind them.
"You have not killed me yet, so I assume you will not do so, yes?" Asked the exausted mage.
"Zaef! I should have known it was you, no one else among us can handle both disiplines of magic. I couldn't be sure though." Sandar said relieved. Zaef was an old friend that had just joined him to finish up the work here. It would have been terrible timing for him if he had been killed a day after arriving.
"I'm glad it is you. I would have been very worse for wear if it was another of them. Speaking of which, we should move now. They broke through a wall leading to central chamber. I have been guarding it ever since. My fellows did not do too well however, last not very long." He turned to face them and it was possible to see that aside from a cut on his right arm he was relatively unharmed, if incedibly tired and dirty.
One of the other mages, either Sands or Pick. Went back to collect the rest of the group from the shaddows. There was a pause, then Zaef continued.
"How many will the device handle? We have many people who request safety. It would not be good if you were forced to refuse them."
"I'm not sure, sixty, maybe. Past that I think it would start to lose people."
"I see, then we will be barely enough room."
"There are probably fifteen people with me, will it still work?"
"Ahh...then probably no. It is not a problem however, I can stay behined, and there will be other volunteers."
"No, that isn't necessary. We will just need to split up the groups, have most of everyone go first, then everyone else can go in a second group, possibly a third as well. The groups will be separated, but if the timing is right they will end up reasonably close to each other."
"How close?"
"Give between one and three years difference, and between ten and one hundred miles."
"This is pecise, I expected very much worse. We might be able to make it. Just barely, but its possible."
"Good. Zaef lead the way, the others are following."
-[user]Isaac[/user]




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Hey Isaac!

Since chapter one of this already had some pretty awesome reviews, I'll do on this.

Nitpicks first.
1. You didn't italicize the character's thoughts and it sort of took me a while to get that it was from someone's head. It makes things easier if they were.
Code
You use this: [i]Type stuff to be italicized.[/i]

2. Punctuation: Well, there were some comma issues, but nothing major. I'd suggest reading up on some articles on punctuation/ comma usage to give you a clearer idea.
I did notice a few spelling errors. If you have Firefox, it'll help you with misspelled errors.

They reconvened and figured out a safe route to the secret passage, no one wanted to risk the as of yet untested device just yet. No more harsh words were said, but there was definitely a crackling tension between them.
Its amazing that I still think I can survive all this, cheers to optimism.

Here you start off with 'they.' That's fine, but maybe you could show a little more sense of the urgency/situation? Also, you say 'It's amazing that I...' Now where did this thought come from? There's no person mentioned in the predeceasing lines to give us an idea. It seems quite out of the place.

"Yes, he'll collapse once we get there. He should be able to run on fear until then, but we need to move now."
Fear? What did he do to the poor man...

This is a bit confusing. Maybe rephrase this?

Description: You have good description, except that it tends to come out in these large chunks. Also, it's a lot of 'telling' going on. For something based on war, 'showing' would be a very effective way of communicating the mood, the emotions etc. (On showing, vs. telling, click here
Also, your description could do with a little spicing. Make it a stronger description. There are some places where there is a lot of bland description and some places where it could do with a few words of description. I would suggest editing this, to suit the pace/theme.

Pace: You seem to devote a very little time on the actual war scene. Even if it is a quick skirmish, you could 'show' us the battle in colours, and be more descriptive. It helps improve pace as well.
Okay, so I get it they're heading somewhere. But by now, I would like a little bit background info on what is going on. Just a few sentences so that you don't lose readers.
On your characters, to be quite honest, I haven't really connected to. I would suggest spending a sentence here or there to show us something about the character. Show us a little of his personality, his likes, his gestures etc.

On the whole, I'd just suggest you work on description and this would be a very solid piece indeed. :)
Cheers,
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.





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Hello, hello,

Just noticed the continuations are already posted! Ah well, here I am.

_


For a good afternoon I get The Device mentioned; fine, fine. Let it exist then, since it seems it has a role to play in
the future. It's not that the thing itself I hate (did us ethe word, heh), but how it was displayed: as something that
can solve all problems. And frankly, what comes to my mind is, to hell with it, why don't they just use it?! So, maybe if
that role is there, it should somehow be shown, portrayed, whatever, differently. Not as the All-Solution. Something to which there are more protests; something which Sandar is more vehemently against.

I now understand that they're going to that device: it wasn't at all that clear in part one (I reread it again). That "Actually, it's not" threw me off. I thougth they were simply escaping. So, The Device is in fact important, is in fact the goal. My (arguably not that helpful) advice would be to change how the reader percieves that Device. Make it less of that All-Solition in part 1. So, that presentation of it. The "oooh nooo, don't use it!".


Its amazing that I still think I can survive all this, cheers to optimism. - alright, where did this come from? silly =)


The group moved onward, warrior mages creeping ahead of the group, scanning and occasionally redirecting the group - there's a group, yes, yes


Random note: I think the transition from Part 1 to Part 2 ought to be smoother. One second they're still talking (Agregor), the second they're already walking. I don't think it would look all that good if put one after the other. So, smoothen things out, add something between this and that previous. The building around
Emerson would be a good solution as any.


Although Sandar once tried to stop the habit - "habit" being the choice word hah; anyway, the goody-goodness again. To the same note: "I could never do the things that they do for the sake of the rest of the group." Which, as far as charactization is concerned, is fabulous! I may not like the guy, but he's not on life-support anymore. Still begs the question of who he is and why people listen to him. If he's scared of a little blood...


So basically, this part is all about a Great Journey to that Device. A few questions do, however, come to mind: how much is there of the enemy? was it mentioned before? (I'm sorry, might have been in part 1, I forget). The group proper. Civilians? What? I thought this was some sort of military-like thing, some project, goverment involved etc., etc.
Now I see young boys and I'm terrible confused. Also, we lose sight of Sander alot, which is fine, fine, I don't need to know of him every second: but mentions about fear, fatigues, etc., would be fantastic. He's still the lead char.

Anyway, the group and the Great Journey. Between them and the device is a decent milage; they're tired, hungry, hurt etc., etc. Details terribly need and provided. Added are other attractions for the reader: say, cave ins, and then "We might be able to make it. Just barely, but its possible". But you know what? There's no tension. I'm not afraid for them, not really. And do you know why? Here's the answer:

"giving everyone a chance to recover". Jaws were released from the spell and the mage in their group gave some potion to a couple people who were grieving for friends or family who had been in the slaughtered group. It didn't stop the tears, but it steadied them, helped them keep moving."

Me, I'd kick those tears because they don't bring tears to the readers eyes, and anyway, we move on to other topic in the next paragraph. Reeks of filled, you know, so all those details not neccessary. And I prolly wrote that wrong, eh.

"A mage had already bent down to tend to him." - these mages, they have a solution to everything. And that poses sort of a problem. You see, even when that ceiling caved in, I wasn't afraid for those people. ""Resecto resarro." - and voila. Problem is gone. Oh, yes, yes, those annoying... but come on. Like that ranted about The Device, this is similar. In fact, this is another device, another All-Solution. Those mages, where is teh end of their magic? Is there something they cannot do? Right now, they're solving all the problems that come the group's way. Hopping over the banana peels. Eventually, we stop caring about those peels, because really, what can they do? Nothing. We'll just hop over them. They're meaningless. So are the problems such as caving in and wounds. They become doiluted. CHaracters lose my sympathy, and the sad thing is, they don't need it at all: they have they're mages who'll make everything ok.

Back to that tension scene. Try to totally flip this scene: they won't make it. Try writing it from that perspective, and then show the solution. What we have now is, meaningless problems which are easily (far, far to easily) taken care of, and the 100% surety that all will be OK. Of course, you can sddenly at the end make it that's they all die, but it doesn't change the fact that for so long, the reader has to put up with such a situation.

It's not a good situation.

Emerson/Agregor relationship. Hinted at in dialogue, it would be really cool if in the meanwhile it were emphasized, too. Like, some sort of susicious glances at each other (well, from Agregor), and the like. I think it would be a nice touch.

Out of the blue: Quartz grimmaced, he didn't like being called that. It was just something that the others called him, probably some sort of inside joke." - right, so, "some inside
joke". He doesn't get it and we don;t get it, and it doesn't look as if an explanation is forthcoming. WHy mention it at all? Scissors, cut. This is under the extra, unneeded info.

Cutting. Me and you, we both have a tendency to write a lot - meaning, use a lot of words. I do the very same. And I'm not saying that's bad - there are different styled of writing, some people are positively laconic and Scrooges when it comes to words, other pour their soul out on paper alongside their grocery list. But sometimes thatgrocery list is unneeded. It hinders more than helps. So me, I'd shorten this to a possible extent - not to where the story would lose something, but still, cut the words that don't play that big of a role. I'm being bvague now, aren't I? Not really saying what. But that's for you to decide. I just have this "in general" feeling. I think shrunk, it'd be of better quality. So, it's good now, but it can be better.

"Zaef! I should have known it was you, no one else among us can handle both disiplines of magic. - meaningless, that phrase: "both disciplines of magic". Back to the magic; it exists and plays a huge, huge role. I love stories with magic, but that limitation thing bother me: there ought to be boundries. Things can't just miraculously be made alright. Alright? KJust like, in a totally different situation, an army can't keep on moving day and night for a week. They have to rest, eat (can't go on air, either). This is more or less the same.


Ending notes: it is -> it's.
its -> possesion, its fur


Cheers,
Esme




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Thanks Lava and Esme! Those reviews helped a lot. The problem with the italics was more that although I knew how to do the italics, I didn't catch all the places where I needed them. That would clear up a couple of the issues that you had. Course, everything had issues, so it wouldn't have changed much. I'm working on a second draft right now. Thanks for all the help!
-[user]Isaac[/user]



There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them.
— J.K. Rowling