First Smile of the Day

Random little scene again.
No read through- four minute write.

Thanks for reading!!



I set my crumpled napkin on my plate, next to the meal I had picked apart. It had been poorly textured, and, as hungry as I was, it still managed to be somewhat nauseating. The waitress promptly made her way over, and exchanged a slip of paper with the plate. The bill. I sighed and looked up at her as she waited for the money. She looked like someone who had hopes at one point, but the bags under her eyes, and the age in her skin said that she had given up on them long ago. As I looked more, I saw a couple streaks of gray at the roots of her hair, which had obviously been dyed. Perhaps a struggling actress, come to reality after she had flunked out of college? A single parent of a squabbling child, unable to collect child support, because she’d never known who the father was? Maybe a widow.
Sighing, I began to pull out my wallet and simultaneously decided to be social. “How long you been workin’ here?” She looked taken aback, and somewhat offended. Her eyes hardened. So many lines around them for a waitress. Especially for a run-down place like this.
“Five years.”
“Mm.” I didn’t offer anything else up. I rifled through my wallet, past all the expired cards and maxed out credit cards, trying to find my cash. There it was. $120 for the next two months. I looked up at the waitress, and down at the bill. Six bucks. Back up at the waitress. So many lines on her face. I pulled out the $20 bill, hesitated, and then placed the $100 one next to it. Then, I looked up at her, straight in the eye, in the most direct way I possibly could. I kept my face neutral. I could tell that it was an unnerving look for her, but I didn’t mind. She seemed curious by the money on the table.
“Keep the change.” I looked away from her in a dismissive manner, and used my napkin to wipe off my hands once again, even though there wasn’t anything on them. I didn’t check her reaction. She stood there, and waited for me to look back up again, but I rose and turned from her, leaving the restaurant and the woman who’d just received all the money I had in the world, smiling my first smile of the day.

Howdy, Persephoneia. Jai here

It had been poorly textured, and, as hungry as I was, it still managed to be somewhat nauseating.

What do you mean by poorly textured?

I sighed and looked up at her as she waited for the money.

Generally you pay for the bill before or after the meal, at the front counter where the til is.

She looked like someone who had hopes at one point, but the bags under her eyes, and the age in her skin said that she had given up on them long ago.

Perhaps "wrinkles in her skin", not "age".

Sighing, I began to pull out my wallet and simultaneously decided to be social.

Your character has already sighed earlier. Careful of repetition.

There it was. $120 for the next two months.

That's not a lot of money to live off. $120 for the week, is more reasonable.

I looked up at the waitress, and down at the bill. Six bucks. Back up at the waitress.

I'm sorry, but this sentence reminded me of the Old Spice ad link.

I pulled out the $20 bill, hesitated, and then placed the $100 one next to it.

Does this mean that your main character just gave the waitress all his/her money for the next 2 months?

“Keep the change.”

What country is this set in? If it's set in America, generally waitresses don't clear the table until the diner has left. The diner would leave a tip for the waitresses services, and the tip is at least 2% of the value of the meal.

In Australia, you leave a tip only if you're eating in a fancy, and yet homey restaurant, because you know in that case that the money will go to the waitresses. For a party of ten or more people, the diners will pool their loose change and notes and leave at least fifty dollars on the table.

Your story is just a tad unrealistic. It was nice, but all the processes just seemed wrong.

- Jai

Hey,

I really liked the parts when you were describing the way the woman looked and wondering about what she'd gone through. I can totally relate - I make up stories for people I see just walking down the street. However, you mentioned the lines of her face at least three times, and that was a bit too much.

In America, apparently, you leave more as a tip than you do in Australia, Jai, but the point the author is trying to get at here is that the MC left an incredibly large tip.

However, I still find this to be unrealistic. For one, you need to show him empathizing with the woman more, so it justifies him giving her a 100$ tip. Also, I would really like to have seen her face after he gives her the money. It doesn't seem realistic for him to not even look at her reaction.

I was also a bit confused when you said "$120 for the next two months." Does this mean that he is giving her his entire paycheck? I can't think of anyone who would do that.

- Lena