Untitled

6 posts
Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 890
Reviews 16
ive never really written poems before so this is kinda my first one, keep that in mind!

An infant cries
A mother weeps
This is a time of loss and grief

Like all fallen soldiers
Leafs hit the ground
They die so quietly on the way down

A church bell is rung
The sun is now gone
And a lulaby is sung

So many lost
But never forgotten
All represented by the sign of the cross

thats all i have so far...dont be afraid to criticize
Last edited by diamond_eyes on Fri Jan 27, 2006 11:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 6
that is a fantastic first poem! good luck with more in the future!...really though, that was good! :wink:




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 375
cool, this is good, i like how each little stanza is all connected some how, except i dont see a connection between all of the stanza's or are they a bunch of little poems or are they connected in one big poem; if they are connected consider changing them into a bunch of little seperate poems, because i dont see a conneciton at the moment between them.
Life's a B*tch, slap it upside the head.

Dargquon Ql'deleodna: (n) "Dar-qu-on Kel-del-ode-na" something i made up that sounded cool, partially based off of the Drow Drizzt Do'Urden's name style




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 17580
Reviews 798
Overall, I like it. It's a touch on the cliche side, but I think you could really jazz it up if you'd put a little work into it.

An infant cries
A mother weeps
This is a time of loss and grief


Well, of course it's a time of loss and grief! Babies and moms crying... yeah, I think you've covered the third line in the first two. Expand this. How else can we see it's a time of loss and grief? The mom and baby could be crying because the baby has a bad case of colic and the mom has been up three nights straight tending to the baby--that's cause for weeping. But since I doubt that's what you had in mind, I'd fix this.

Like all fallen soldiers
Leafs hit the ground
They die so quietly on the way down


It should be "leaves", not "leafs". I like the image of "dying quietly on the way down." It's kind of eery, but it fits.

A church bell is rung
The sun is now gone
And a goodbye lulaby is sung


Should be "lullaby."

So many lost
But never forgotten
All represented by the sign of the cross


You need some punctuation, for one thing, but this poem seems sort of off to me. I'm not really sure what you're trying to say in it most of the time, and a lot of it is so vague that I just kind of turn my head to the side in confusion and then dismiss it. You really don't want your readers to do that.

Now, are you talking about the lost souls as in those looking for purpose and hope, or lost in terms of death and are hellbound? Maybe you were looking for that ambiguity there, but I'm just not feeling it.

Nice work for a first poem.
Got YWS?

"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
- Dale Carnegie




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 26
Omg!! it's soo good Jessica!! Imma gonna put ma poem online and u must write more poems.!! :P




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 688
good for a first poem, but never take that as an excuse! i'd try to incorporate more poetic language and imagery. also, you had various spelling mistakes. that takes away from the pleasure of the poem, so try to sort those out. lastly, in the last stanza the rhyming pattern did not fit that of the rest of the poem. the last line was also a bit long. but don't concentrate on that - you've gotten the message out, and that's all that matters.
Carpe Diem.



I'll show my defiance through ironic obedience!
— AstralHunter