[September Contest] Character Study (revised)

Time. It was the only thing he needed.
It was 6:39 PM in Los Angeles. Almost time for an evening shift change. Leonard turned a corner near Radiology and headed toward the end of the hallway, smoothing the lab coat he wore as he walked. The coat had been easy; there were racks of them in the studio shop. The badge had been more difficult.
A woman in teal scrubs smiled as she passed. He smiled back, hoping it was enough. He’d never been an actor. They’d been frank about that at Tisch.
He missed being a student. His senior project at Tisch had been his first work that had garnered a real critic’s attention. The Last Casualty, 1968, all student actors. He'd met Patricia then — she had a short role as a receptionist. The plot was simple, but it worked: an army man returns home after Vietnam to discover that his infant son died only months after his departure. His wife, fearing that he would take up with a foreign woman, concealed news of the death until…
“Excuse me? Sir?”
The director looked up. An intern stood in front of him with a cart of samples.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Leonard said. He stepped aside, swallowed, and continued walking. He couldn’t afford to be recognized. Not when he needed the time.
It had always been the same problem. Obsessive attention to detail in the planning stages, but difficulty comprehending the big picture when the pressure started to build. He remembered the review for Summertime Girl in the Chicago Sun-Times: a “smutty piece with little depth… remarkable only for its memorable mise en scène.” He had missed deadline after deadline during its filming. Leonard could not afford to miss any more deadlines, not now.
There was not far to go from here. The director rounded another corner and stepped into the elevator, which was empty. Good.
The pain was getting worse. It had not been so bad this morning. Leonard had the old pills, of course, but they didn’t do much. Not like those pills. The pills that gave him time.
Time. He grew impatient as the aluminum doors drew together. The mechanical whir sang quietly above him. He had never liked elevators, and it showed in his scripts. There was an elevator homicide scene in Bombay Sun. He'd finished that just before Patricia left him. There was also Sapphire, a surrealistic account of a young journalist’s coverage of the death of Princess Diana, where the main character died of an overdose in an elevator. That one had been a surprise success at Cannes.
The doors opened, and he strode forward with what he hoped was an air of confidence. He entered the third room on the right, quickly closing the door behind him. He headed toward a cupboard on the far wall as he fished the key out of his pocket, hoping he had copied the right one.
It was theft, sure. But Leonard needed the time. These drugs would go to waste, otherwise — there was no way that they would gain FDA approval during their shelf life. His shelf life. He was only taking the refuse. But he needed the time.
Time to finish Gloria in Excelsis — they had just gained approval to film on the roof of St. Peter‘s. Time to cast River Runs Red — only a working title. He‘d always wanted to do a McCarthy-era film. But mostly, time to cut down the Picasso biopic with Ronson. It was already canned, for God’s sake. He wanted to see it open.
All he needed was time.
The key fit. He turned it. Canisters of the pale grey-green pill were neatly arranged on the shelf, just as he remembered. He picked one, two, three canisters from the shelf and stuffed them into the pocket of the coat.
Time.

------------------

In an office lit only by the light of ten small screens, the man in a tie and badge pointed to one of the illuminated squares.
“That’s Leonard, all right,” said the man in the white coat who stood behind him.
“I recognized him right away from the Oscars, you know,” said the guard, propping his feet up on his desk. “Those artistic types really are somethin’.” They were both silent for a moment. “You ought to turn him in.”
The man in the white coat clicked his retractable prescription pen repeatedly. “He’s having fun, you know. It’s like one of his heist movies.”
The guard stared. “Doctor Roberts, I’m not sure you understand the severity of this situation. Leonard here,” he said, tapping the screen, “is a high-level security threat.”
The researcher stopped clicking. “Study 946 was a voluntary double-blind research study of the effects of an extracted form of sculletaria rosa on patients in the advanced stages of pancreatic cancer. Both treatment groups received standard treatment and were given a pill to take daily. One group received the pill containing the experimental drug. The other received a glucose-based placebo containing no medication. According to the figures published in the journal, neither group made improvements of statistical significance. Leonard, however, consistently reported significantly reduced pain, improved sleeping habits, and increased stamina.”
“He‘s still a criminal.” The guard rotated slowly in his spinning chair until he faced the researcher, his fact half-lit by the bluish light.
“Three months ago, it was revealed to all patients in my laboratory, including Leonard, that they received the placebo drug. The only drug in my office is, and always was, a sugar-based capsule containing no active ingredients.” He threw his pen down on the desk. “Call whoever you want.” The researcher left the small room, slamming the door behind him.
The guard was silent. Exhaling, he leaned back in his chair and stared at the empty screen.

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Spoiler

Your story is about a director in a doctor's office stealing time.

Edited 9/17; formatting, and 9/19, content.

Hey Lynlyn!
Sorry, I don't really have anything to suggest - I don't know anything about cancer or film production either, and I loved the whole story, no nit-picks or anything.
Just wanted to say I thought this was amazing! I love the way you interpretted 'stealing time', the flash-backs gave real incite into the character and it was very nicely written.

-pigeon

Hey Lyn! Oh, thanks for calling me a reviewing machine
I kinda like that. lol
Oh, I remember you from chat too!
Now, thanks for the request, I'll review, before I start to babble.

Time. The only thing he needed was time.

Warning, sometimes I could be a little picky.
With that being said, I do think the repetition of time is a little awkward in a sense. Maybe just reword this to: "Time. That was the only thing he needed."

the guard, propping his feet up on his desk. “Those artistic types really are somethin.’”

I'm pretty sure you mean Somethin', with the accent and all.

So that's really all for nitpicks but I do have a few things I'd like to point out, as opinions.

*Firstly, in the first segment, you don't give us his name. Everything slowly becomes 'he this and he that' and sometimes I got confused with which he was which he. Maybe I was reading it sloppily but I do think a name would have been better, that way we're not confused when they mention Leonard in the second part. Because I was like, "Who's that?"
Although, I do have have to compliment you on the atmosphere you have created. I was feeling anxious and jittery just like the director during the first part. It was quite entertaining. I really liked the way you wrote that.

It had always been the same problem. Obsessive attention to detail in the planning stages, but difficulty comprehending the big picture when the pressure started to build. His first commercially successful film was The Night Market, 1981, co-directed with Martin La Jolla. That was before Martin ran off with Patricia, of course. He’d never forgiven Marty for that. He’d directed on his own for Summertime Girl, 1983, a darkly humorous drama about a young schoolteacher whose interim job became a slippery descent into the pornography industry. The Chicago Sun-Times dismissed it as a “smutty piece with little depth… remarkable only for its memorable mise en scène.” He’d never forgiven the Sun-Times, either.

I do have mixed feelings for this part though. I know, so complicated >.<
But, I think you did a bit of a useless info dump here, naming pieces and years, although it added to the tense atmosphere it was unneeded, and a little draggy, yikes. Although, even with that said, it was interesting enough to keep me reading and I did like the back thoughts on this. But the main thing is, it's like an extra piece. With that being said, you can keep or loose it and it doesn't really make much of a difference.

“Study 946 was a voluntary double-blind research study of the effects of an extracted form of sculletaria rosa on patients in the advanced stages of pancreatic cancer. Both treatment groups received standard-of-care procedures and were given a pill to take daily. One group received the pill containing the experimental drug. The other received a glucose-based placebo. According to the figures published in the journal, neither group made improvements of statistical significance. Leonard, however, consistently reported significantly reduced pain, improved sleeping habits, and increased stamina.”

The thing with this is, it's too complicated. Not much people know about cancer an all. Now, I see that the director was part of some sort of test group? Was he given some different pills? Why was he showing differently? What does the sugar base gelatin capsules do, to give Leonard more time?
So, he stole the pills, and then what? He died? There's a bit of unexplained events here.

Even with all that, I still think that this is written quite intelligently and you do have some nice descriptions and movements. Mainly, I just thought you over explained a few things, making it a bit complicated but that's not always a big problem. What I liked about this piece, however, was the believability of it. It wasn't filled with fictional beings or a magic fairy that gives him an hour glass. He really thinks he's stealing time by getting his hands on those pills. I thought this idea was quite clever. So, I guess in the end, you had a cool story. Nice plot line, decent descriptions, (I do think you should have mentioned how he looked though, haha) and some deep emotions. That is considering what I read from the first part. I really felt bad for the guy. He wanted to obtain his dream, to see his movie and he was just begging for time. Time was all he need, aw.
Overall, I did enjoy reading this! Thank yo for the request, I was not disappointed
Hope I helped somewhat, haha.

~Shear

Hey Lyn, I'm Jai :3

Lynlyn wrote:Time. The only thing he needed was time.

This really reminded me of the movie Dear John, when Savanah wrote to John about how her husband just needed time.

He’d never been an actor. They’d been frank about that at Tisch.
He missed being a student. His senior project at Tisch had been his first work that had garnered a real critic’s attention. The Last Casualty, 1968, with Charlie Copplin and Linda Cole, both students. Patricia had a short role as a receptionist. An army man returns home after Vietnam to discover that his infant son died only months after his departure. His wife, fearing that he would take up with a foreign woman, concealed news of the death until…

This whole part seemed a tad irrelevant and detracted from the overall story. I actually skimmed over it the first time I read it. Perhaps if you shortened it and made it more interesting. And more modern day. Who's Patricia? Do we need to know these people?

He’d directed on his own for Summertime Girl, 1983, a darkly humorous drama about a young schoolteacher whose interim job became a slippery descent into the pornography industry. The Chicago Sun-Times dismissed it as a “smutty piece with little depth… remarkable only for its memorable mise en scène.”

It's almost as if you've copy and pasted some information off of wikipedia:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steven_Spielberg wrote:In 1969, Variety announced that Spielberg would direct his first full length film, Malcolm Winkler, written by Claudia Salter, produced by John Orland, with Frank Price being the executive producer. However, because of the difficulty in casting the key male role, the film was not made.

If I wanted to read a wiki page, I'd jump on wikipedia. I know you're trying to shove down the reader's throats that the main character is a director, but I don't know if you have to shove it down so hard. Could there be other ways to reveal that he's a director? Perhaps that he was viewing the area with stage prompts in mind or something.

He grew impatient as the aluminum doors drew together.

*aluminium

The mechanical whirr sang quietly above him. He had never liked elevators, and it showed in his scripts. There was an elevator homicide scene in Bombay Sun. That was in 1985, just after the divorce. Sapphire, 1999, was a surrealistic account of a young journalist’s coverage of the death of Princess Diana. The main character died of an overdose in an elevator. It had earned him a “Prize Un Certain Regard” at Cannes.

Again with the over-use of describing his career. While it might have been fun to come up with the story lines and everything regarding each film, I find myself letting my eyes slip over them.

The doors opened, and he strode forward with what he hoped was an air of confidence. He entered the third room on the right, quickly closing the door behind him. And here it was. He headed toward the cupboard as he fished the key out of his pocket, hoping he had copied the right one.

Here I'll point out a few things. Have you ever been in a hospital? I have, I completed two weeks of work experience as a nurse. Basically there is a drug storage room. And it's unlocked. Anyone can go in there. When I questioned the safety of it, the nurse who was assigned to look after me said that stock was always replenished every afternoon, so it was hard to keep track of what went missing. Nurses could take what they liked and no one would know. I think I lifted a razor from storeroom because it was cool, while I was looking for the medicine I had to get for a patient. No one caught me. I could have taken whatever I wanted, but yeah, I don't do drugs or anything.

This was at a private hospital, however, so maybe it's different in other places.

The researcher stopped clicking. “Study 946 was a voluntary double-blind research study of the effects of an extracted form of sculletaria rosa on patients in the advanced stages of pancreatic cancer. Both treatment groups received standard-of-care procedures and were given a pill to take daily. One group received the pill containing the experimental drug. The other received a glucose-based placebo. According to the figures published in the journal, neither group made improvements of statistical significance. Leonard, however, consistently reported significantly reduced pain, improved sleeping habits, and increased stamina.”

Wow, I wish the whole story had been like this. It couldn't have been, I suppose, but this was great writing. Very inventive and fascinating.

“Three months ago, it was revealed to all patients in my laboratory, including Leonard, that they received the placebo drug. The only drug in my office is, and always was, a sugar-based gelatin capsule.”

Hmm. Ethics denotes that sometimes things like this shouldn't be revealed in risk of enraging/harming a test subject.

I don't know anything about cancer or film production, and Wikipedia can only do so much, so any resources are helpful.

lol! I knew it!

So yeah, your story was interesting beyond the continued interjections of his previous projects. The whole concept of stealing time was very cleverly dealt with here I think you could avoid the potential skim-worthy parts by simply incorporating something from one of his movies into every scene. So, "Leo moved like the soldier in his first film, The Last Casualty, silently and confidently through the hallway. He scanned the reception room the way the hardened army man in Vietnam had scanned the battlefield in scene six, part two."

Hope this helped somewhat

- Jai

Hi guys,

Thanks for the reviews thus far, they've been very informative. Hopefully I can get some editing in before the deadline; looks like I mainly just need to cut some of this stuff down.

The encyclopedia-esque entries were supposed to convey the character's fixation with the details of his career, but clearly they're not serving that purpose at all. I'm going to toy with this a little more and see if there's a better way to say what I'm trying to say.

This was well handled, with a confident hand. You have a firm picture of who Leonard is and you present his personality well enough. The film asides, though? I'll get to that.

The coat had been easy; there were racks of them in the studio shop. The badge had been more difficult.

No elaboration? Not even a brief, "Sold his kidney to meet a guy who introduced him to a guy that had a lookalike murdered"?

A woman in teal scrubs smiled as she passed.

"Teal" is pretty much your only physical description in the entire piece. It makes it kind of odd.

---------------------------------------
I fail to see what the numerous and lengthy descriptions of films adds to the story, unfortunately. The Last Casualty and Summertime Girl seem like such forced references. A tributary that goes nowhere, doesn't loop back to the story. Bombay Sun and Sapphire's references work a little better. Let's pause and examine these so we can see the difference:

Last Casualty:
"He (spontaneously) misses being a student. When he was a student, he made a film. The plot of the film was as follows (and has nothing to do with the current story. We are, in fact, dragged back unwillingly into the story)."

Summertime Girl:
Or "He didn't want to be recognized. This was his problem, attention to detail without bigger picture, like this movie (was that supposed to be a segue?). It was smutty but had nice composition (review has nothing to do with current story)."

Bombay Sun/Sapphire:
"He got in the elevator. He disliked elevators; it showed in his work. In this movie, someone dies in an elevator. In this other movie, the main character dies in an elevator. [Elevator is the last thing on our minds and we come back to the story in an elevator]."

So you see why the first two don't work as well but the last two work better? There's a logical connection to go into the nitty gritty specifics of the movie.
------------------------------------------

But mostly, time to cut down the Picasso biopic with Ronson. It was already canned, for God’s sake. He wanted to see it open.

Doesn't a movie being "canned" mean it gets [thrown in the trash can]? As in, they cease making it? Wording is confusing.

I completed two weeks of work experience as a nurse. Basically there is a drug storage room. And it's unlocked. Anyone can go in there.

Referring to seeminglymeaningless's's's comment here, just to give a second opinion ([rimshot]), I also worked in a hospital, dispensing meds. The way it was at this medium-sized public hospital, there was a pharmacy area that was locked off. Usually the docs came by with a form saying what drugs they wanted, then came back to pick up the goods some 5-10 minutes later. But yeah, the doors were locked and the stuff was kept on rows and rows and rows of shelves. So as long as the system in your story is believable, no one can really contend, cos every hospital will do what they see fit.

The doors opened, and he strode forward with what he hoped was an air of confidence. He entered the third room on the right, quickly closing the door behind him. He headed toward a cupboard on the far wall as he fished the key out of his pocket, hoping he had copied the right one.

You might want to indicate we're in an office now. As we read it, we assume we're in a big lab-like room with all sorts of drugs around us. And then we wonder why it was so easy for him to find the drug. But then we learn later that it was the doctor's office.

HOWEVER! I'm not sure why the doc is keeping the stuff from the pharma manufacturer here though. Those should be kept with the other drugs with some record-keeping system so that the doc doesn't lose them/resell them/consume all of them himself. That would especially be important for clinical trials, as the FDA will crack down hard if there's not a paper trail.

patients in the advanced stages of pancreatic cancer. Both treatment groups received standard-of-care procedures and were given a pill to take daily. One group received the pill containing the experimental drug. The other received a glucose-based placebo.

I suggest you choose another illness. For cancer patients, clinical trials almost never use placebos because of the inherent ethical dilemma.
http://www.cancer.gov/clinicaltrials/co ... rriers0401
"In fact, placebos are rarely used in cancer treatment trials..."

You can't just pretend to save someone's life. Placebos are, instead, reserved for non-emergency, non-life threatening illnesses. That might kind of undermine Leonard's need for time, though. So maybe Leonard's case is the small minority of times that there is a placebo for cancer.

According to the figures published in the journal,

You might want to reword or take this out. Journal articles take months and months to get written and published. By that point, if the trial was discontinued, the drugs and placebos would be returned to the pharma manufacturer for consolidation and regulatory purposes. Just make it so the clinical trial occurred more recently.

I do enjoy the twist at the end, though. Well, I guess the contest is over, but lemme know if you have any questions!