Today.

Ahhh! I can't remember when this was written, but I'm sure it was awhile back. I do enjoy that I actually wrote something pretty good in the past.

Before you go on with you're critique, do know that I was quite... unbalanced, for a couple of years. I wasn't exactly in the same place as everybody else, so you're reading the words of a lunatic. Congratulations, haha.



The sun collides with the night,
as I lay on pins and needles.
Blankets of cobwebs inhibit me.
My eyes are lost on the ceiling
as I drain the day behind a brick wall.

You are yesterday, always yesterday,
two weeks, months, years from now,
still my yesterday.

I wrap my arms around your shadow,
creep my fingers into your hair.
I reassure myself that it is I, who cannot feel,
that your breath still caresses my cheeks, lips, skin,
that your warmth still heals me.

Morning greets me unwelcoming.
Throughout today, I slowly abandon my mind.
The sun and night collide again,
and I am back to the brick wall,
pushing, shoving, screaming,
a restless maniac,
who breathes only to remember.

Woo! You have a nice poem! One thing that I might suggest, if you're looking to improve this poem still, is that you should switch the first stanza (you are yesterday, etc) and make it the second stanza instead. So, it would kind of look like this:

The sun collides with the night,
as I lay on pins and needles.
Blankets of cobwebs inhibit me.
My eyes are lost on the ceiling
as I drain the day behind a brick wall.

You are yesterday, always yesterday,
two weeks, months, years from now,
still my yesterday.

I wrap my arms around your shadow,
creep my fingers into your hair.
I reassure myself that it is I, who cannot feel,
that your breath still caresses my cheeks, lips, skin,
that your warmth still heals me.

Morning greets me unwelcoming.
Throughout today, I slowly abandon my mind.
The sun and night collide again,
and I am back to the brick wall,
pushing, shoving, screaming,
a restless maniac,
who breathes only to remember.

And the reason for that? I just think it flows better.

Hmm... if this is your old stuff, I can't wait to see your new stuff!

This poem really reminded me of something the band 'Evanescence' might sing. The lyrics were very deep and a little bit symbolic. It's very meaningful and I love the way it's been written. I don't really have any advice for this piece, I just wanted to tell you how good I thought it was
Smashles

heybeccahey wrote:Ahhh! I can't remember when this was written, but I'm sure it was awhile back. I do enjoy that I actually wrote something pretty good in the past.

Before you go on with you're critique, do know that I was quite... unbalanced, for a couple of years. I wasn't exactly in the same place as everybody else, so you're reading the words of a lunatic. Congratulations, haha.






You are yesterday, always yesterday,
two weeks, months, years from now,
still my yesterday.

The sun collides with the night,
as I lay on pins and needles.
Blankets of cobwebs inhibit me.
My eyes are lost on the ceiling
as I drain the day behind a brick wall.

I wrap my arms around your shadow,
creep my fingers into your hair.
I reassure myself that it is I, who cannot feel,
that your breath still caresses my cheeks, lips, skin,
that your warmth still heals me.

Morning greets me unwelcoming.
Throughout today, I slowly abandon my mind.
The sun and night collide again,
and I am back to the brick wall,
pushing, shoving, screaming,
a restless maniac,
who breathes only to remember.

That is so cool! Wow.

Though you sounded like emo...hahaha...
I hope you're not doing that today.