"I Love You," You Said

"I love you," I whispered,
Holding your picture
Close to my heart;
And I wished on a star
For one single chance,
One shot at romance,
But you seemed so far.

"I love you," you said;
The words sang in my head,
Too good to be true,
That someone like you,
Could love someone like me.
I began to believe
That I might make it through.

"I love you," you lied,
When you told me goodbye;
All the reasons you gave
For your masquerade;
My heart was your own,
Then you left me alone;
Left the mess that you made.

"I love you," I whisper;
Still can't look at your picture
After all of these years;
All the pain, all the fear
That I can still feel;
Time has not healed,
And neither have tears.

Wow. That was deep. I was almost crying at the end. the vocabulary is so powerful and meaningful. your going to touch a lot of people with something like this.

When I first glanced at the title of this poem I thought it would be something cliche since many poems with a title like "I Love You" are overly cliched. Just in the second stanza, I thought it sounded a little cliched.

I like how all your stanzas fit together, though, and are even without seeming really forced. Also, I thought the ending stanza seemed a little over-rhymed, but I think that's because the words you rhymed with mostly all have "ea" in the middle and sound a sort of similar. So, those are just things that popped out at me.

Good job with the pattern and I like the way you rhymed a lot of the lines. I also really like the story in this poem because it's very touching.

Great work!

wonderful poem, good flow, love your diversity of words. great job hun, keep it up!

Well, I hate to be the mean reviewer today haha, but honesty is greatest is it not Steph? Anyway on to the review.
The first thing I noticed is that you capitalize the first letter of every sentence. I don't find this nessescary, but it is truly up to you. I believe that it would flow beter without the capital letters though.

Warrior Princess wrote:"I love you," I whispered,
Holding your picture
Close to my heart;
And I wished on a star
For one single chance,
One shot at romance,
But you seemed so far. Your flow is very choppy here. It is also kind of cliche. Another thing I noticed that is kind of distracting is that on the last line you stop with the word far. I don't think that it sounds very good ending it with that word, I almost wanted to type in the word away to complete it. The nice thing about this stanza is that it had nice description. You don't see that in many poems, most people either go overboard with description, or don't give enough. That said you give the perfect amount.

"I love you," you said; I like the somewhat repitition that you have put in this poem. It adds something special to this poem.
The words sang in my head, I think a word more colorful than sang would sound good here. Come on Steph, I know how big your vocabulary is.
Too good to be true, It's nice to see the use of the word, too used correctly here. Just thought I would point that out. I never get them right for some reason.
That someone like you,
Could love someone like me. I would add in some reasons why you don't think he would love you. Your plot jumps around a lot in this poem, and this is partially because you don't add any background to it. I think adding some simple details would help a great deal with this.
I began to believe
That I might make it through. Make it through what> You don't really tell us much.

"I love you," you lied, This is where the plot jumps way off track. I think that you should add more to what happened. Why did he leave? What is the whole purpose of everything? Otherwise this comes off as extrememly choppy.
When you told me goodbye;
All the reasons you gave The lines following seem choppy here to. I'm not really sure why though.
For your masquerade;
My heart was your own,
Then you left me alone;
Left the mess that you made.

"I love you," I whisper;
Still can't look at your picture This line and the line above are really powerful. I can actually feel what you are feeling when you wrote this. I think this is a major thing you lack in most of the poem. I just can't connect with you. It's like you wrote this without emotion, but I know that you didn't. It just doesn't come across as a emotional poem.
After all of these years;
All the pain, all the fear
That I can still feel; I really like this stanza up to this line. The lines that follow this ruin it for me. I'm not really sure why, it just doesn't flow very well after this.
Time has not healed,
And neither have tears.

I do think this was a "nice" poem, but it needs quite a bit of work. If you need anything feel free to pm me and ask me. (Just creative criticm Steph don't take it to hard haha)

-Flower-

Whoa, that is very deep. I'm completely serious when I say It made me think about someone. Tragic

"I love you," I whispered, I like how each stanza starts with "I love you"
Holding your picture
Close to my heart;
And I wished on a star
For one single chance,
One shot at romance,
But you seemed so far.

"I love you," you said;
The words sang in my head,
Too good to be true,
That someone like you,
Could love someone like me.
I began to believe
That I might make it through. This is actually so sad :'(

"I love you," you lied,
When you told me goodbye;
All the reasons you gave
For your masquerade;
My heart was your own, This is a bit awkward
Then you left me alone;
Left the mess that you made. Maybe "with" instead of "left"?

"I love you," I whisper; I like how it goes back to the present after you told the story
Still can't look at your picture
After all of these years;
All the pain, all the fear This stanza is really good until the next line
That I can still feel;
Time has not healed,I understand that your trying to emphasize the fact that time hasn't healed the wounds, but this line doesn't flow
And neither have tears. Unfortunately I can totally relate to this :'(

This is a really good poem, but there's a random rhyming scheme. Was this intentional?

The first thing I noticed is that you capitalize the first letter of every sentence. I don't find this nessescary, but it is truly up to you..

I laughed for a full five minutes before realising you probably meant every line, not sentence. I was gonna say, that's called a capital letter..

Wow. That was really amazing. Your use of words was beautiful. It was really deep and touching. You almost made me cry!

This flows really well! I wasn't expecting such a deep poem when I started reading, but this one really stuck with me. The rhyming is perfect all the way through, even though it could easily be corny to write a rhyming poem about love or a break up, this is never corny. I love the half rhymes like picture and whisper, and the word masquerade really adds to the poem as well, somehow it sounds angry even though it's just one word.
The only thing I will criticise is the line "The words sang in my head", because personally I think it would be deeper to write a line about the heart because obviously this poem is about true love, felt in the heart, and the pain you're describing at the end is pain in your heart... so I think a line about heart rather than head might work better?

This poem reminds me of what happened to a friend of mine. :/

I love you," I whispered,
Holding your picture
Close to my heart;
And I wished on a star
For one single chance,
One shot at romance,
But you seemed so far. -lovely beginning but this line doesn't flow very well-

"I love you," you said;
The words sang in my head, -maybe 'heart' would be better?-
Too good to be true,
That someone like you,
Could love someone like me.
I began to believe
That I might make it through.

"I love you," you lied,
When you told me goodbye;
All the reasons you gave
For your masquerade;
My heart was your own,
Then you left me alone;
Left the mess that you made. -I really like this line-

"I love you," I whisper;
Still can't look at your picture
After all of these years;
All the pain, all the fear
That I can still feel;
Time has not healed,
And neither have tears. -sadly, I'm not a fan of this ending line, it seems unfinished somehow..-

Wooah, as other people have said, this is deep. I really really like this poem, the rhyming flows beautifully and the word choice is perfect. I honestly can't find many flaws with it. Some lines seem a little mixed up and words in the wrong places, but apart from that it's a really good poem.
Keep writing,
~Crim

Greetings I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer, this piece here, comes across to me as a replica of many of the same you see elsewhere, perhaps I'm wrong and I'll go indepth into why I feel this. I shall scrutinse this carefully and decide if first impressions are rights. I warn you now I may be harsh here, but it's only to improve you. I promise you that.

I shall explain further, as of now I'm uninterested, it's not that the story not sad, it's been told a thousand times, and hearing it again doesn't give me nostalgia, you never really use poetic elements, you only concentrate solely on generic wording, many times resorting to cliches that abound disney movies, or idea you can recognize from pieces you felt similar about, the ones which had no real emotional investment, or so it appears, perhaps it was tons. But in your case I feel none of it. I can't even say this is told originally, it's told in a way which people angst about, surely it's not hard to avoid the words which come across every poem you see on various sites. It tells us everything, doesn't really allow us to feel anything, it insists on pushing us out and just telling us everything, in some cases it can work, unfortunately not in this, it does nothing but stop us even feeling the loss and heartbreak, which could well have saved this.

Overall: You need to remember work from your own emotions not another person, allow people entry into mind to feel what's up and why you feel so heartbroken, until you do this, no one will really be able to feel the horrific pain you have in your heart.

Hope this helps.

Hi there I'm China Cookie.

WOW is one of the many words I could use to Describe your poem. I like how you used "i love you" at the vbeggining of each stanza it brings a awesome edge to the poem. I enjoyed your True feeling and emotion in the poem it does truly show.
I hope to read some more poems.

Regards:
China Cookie

Wow... That was really powerful. I liked the word choice... I liked the ending (well.. not like but.. you know). I liked the pattern...
I just---
LIKE IT!
I could connect, and many people can to. You really captured how people feel and how things seem to happen between two people "in love" and the pain and the aftermath of it all when the relationship suddendly goes to nothing and dust in the end. You really captured how life really is with relationships and how they affect those left behind to be never touched or.. ect.
I liked it because it's down to earth.
Keep writing.! (:
Hayley

This is a really good, touching, descriptive poem! *wipes away tear* It kind of reminds me of an Evanescence song... if you know who they are) Because of its simple, yet perfect words...
And it reminds me, and describes amazingly, me and a boy I used to know.

Warrior Princess wrote:"I love you," I whisper;
Still can't look at your picture
After all of these years;
All the pain, all the fear
That I can still feel;
Time has not healed,
And neither have tears.

:') Keep on writing like this! Please! xxx

This reminded me of a relationship I had with a girl a few months ago. Well, we didn't really go out. But we really liked eachother, we were going to go out. Then we had a fight. We've tried to be friends in the last few months, but it has just never happened what we felt for eachother again.

Anyway, back to your peice. It was very good how it said you was in love and everything was perfect. How he could love someone like you. Then he left, you was shattered and you were left alone, a mess. I feel really sorry for the character and can really relate to her. (Except for the gender difference, of course.)

Anyway, a very well done to you and I hope other can relate to this as much as I have. This is a very enjoyable peice and I'm glad you wrote this.