O shaped smiles.

walk with one foot in front of the other;
hands out wide, art sketchbook for cover,
busy as a banker but I couldn't bear another,
pulling off the doorknob and hiding from your mother,
walk with one foot in front of the other
as you go.

fingers walking up and down your arm;
off on an adventure, you’ve set us an alarm,
takes a little while for me to learn how to disarm,
eyes are closed and breaths are slow, we're trying to keep calm;
fingers walking up and down your arm
and O shaped smiles.

Hey Flit!

Unfortunately, I have very little to say on this. This is for the single reason that, in my opinion, it seriously is a good poem. I love the vocabulary, it was very easy to read and had a good constant flow. Just at some points, though, some sentences seemed detached from the rest of the poem, and if the meaning didn't fit. I could assume that was for the rhyming. Nonetheless, I seriously loved it. I think this is going to be one of the few poems I'll manage to remember.

One small suggestion: one the first line of the final verse, I did not like the use of the verb 'walking'. Picky, yeah >.>. I loved the ending too, by the way. Sweet and short, nice work.

- Kat

Watch out because here comes my review!

"yes my love oh we are magicians;
bumbleberry kisses, serious musicians
(whistling on through upper class commissions),
close my eyes and cast a spell, achieve all your ambitions,
yes my love oh we are magicians, you and I. "

First off, it's really hard to rhyme every line in a poem-try to break it down into smaller fragments. Try A-B-A-B, or A-A-B-B, but not A-A-A-A!! It doesn't sound like you put a lot of effort into writing a serious poem. The subject and tone of the poem is whimsical, but not goofy. Sometimes rhyming every line makes it sound like you're joking around, and just pulling rhyming words out of a hat, no matter whether they make sense.
If you want to improve this poem, first you need to capitalize. On occasion it is appropriate not to, but this poem needs a little more organization.
I would recommend taking out the "whistling...commissions" line because it sounds like an afterthought, put in just to include the word commissions.

"walk one foot in front of the other;
hands out wide, art sketchbook for cover,
busy as a banker but I couldn't bear another,
doorknob off and hiding from your mother,
walk one foot in front of the other as you go."

The first two lines are nice, and the rhymes are fluent with each other. However the next two lines don't make sense. Another example of writing just to add more rhymes. It's not worth putting the rhyming words in if you can't come up with a line to go with them that makes sense.

"fingers walking up and down your arm;
off on an adventure, you’ve set us an alarm,
takes a little while for me to learn how to disarm,
eyes closed breaths slow trying to keep calm;
fingers walking up and down your arm and O shaped smiles."

This stanza I liked better. I'm not sure if you meant this, but when you say you're trying to break through to him it gives the impression of a mental disability. I like that this stanza makes more sense than the others. The one thing about this is the "O shaped smiles." It's okay to not rhyme the last line, but in this case 1) you've rhymed everything else so far and 2) it ruins the flow of the whole stanza. If you read it out loud or just to yourself, you can feel the rhythm of the previous lines. But when I get to that last line...that "O shaped smiles" just doesn't seem to fit. The last line is important, it's when the entire poem comes to an end. Let it out with a bang!
Hope this helps

All I really want to say is that I love the beginning, it simply slides off the tongue. Very great (:

Hey, Flit, I just noticed, you cut the first stanza! Why? =|

because it only makes sense to me might put it back in. was feeling whimsical at the time

why is this rated 18?