Mother

The girl sat on the ground with a look on her face that betrayed no emotion. The thoughts raced through her mind as she tried to wrap her head around why she sat in front of this head stone. She reached out to touch the cold, polished, surface of the rock. Tracing the letters so lightly with her fingers as thought it might crumble at her touch. How could her mother leave her like this? Why now, when she was so young and needed her so much? A tear fell down her face that held the same look that it had from the moment she had gotten the news. A hand touched her shoulder pulling her up gently and burying her in the arms of her father. His embrace told her what she needed to know, that he was still there and always would be. That everything would be all right, even if it didn’t seem like it would.

Hi there! I see that you are new to YWS! Welcome. I'm Esther and I will be reviewing you today.

Is this really nonfiction? If it is it certainly sad thing to talk about. (I hope it isn't about you!) That's good. It evokes human emotion. Let's get down to the review. Comments will be in red.

The girl sat on the ground with a look on her face that betrayed no emotion. ("Betrayed" doesn't seem to be the right word here. "Conveyed" would flow better.) The thoughts raced through her mind as she tried to wrap her head around why she sat in front of this head stone. (More emphasis on her mother's death here. I totally did not realize the mother had died until I read it for a second time. I just thought she left. Headstone is one word, I believe. ) She reached out to touch the cold, polished, surface of the rock. Tracing the letters so lightly with her fingers as thought it might crumble at her touch. How could her mother leave her like this? Why now, when she was so young and needed her so much? A tear fell down her face that held the same look that it had from the moment she had gotten the news. (How can a tear look like a face? I don't think that's the thing you're trying to get across. Revise.A hand touched her shoulder pulling her up gently and burying her in the arms of her father. His embrace told her what she needed to know, that he was still there and always would be. That everything would be all right, even if it didn’t seem like it would.

Okay, now this was very good. The only problem is that this is too short. You don't give us enough time to really bond with the characters emotions, and while being short and shocking has its merits, there is such a thing as not enough detail. Tell us how this person feels, don't just show us she is crying. Everything seems so vague. Can you show us what the father looks like?

Also, sometimes you just try to use fancy metaphors when you could just give us cold hard facts. There is no need to be constantly poetic and descriptive; it just confuses the reader. Sometimes you'll even confuse yourself! Sometimes just simply stating things can get emotion across. Balance blunt with fancy, and you'll get a much more appealing work out of this.

But overall, this was very good. It made me emotional, which I think is what you set out to do. You just need to

give more detail and make this longer.

Don't be afraid about not being fancy. Over poetic prose can be annoying.

Keep writing and don't stop,

Esther

Hello there mkayd25. I could have sworn I reviewed this earlier. Apparently not. So here I am to fix that.

Next time you post something and want reviews, you might try the Will Review for Food forum. There, you can request someone review your work by posting in their thread.

That said, onto the review.

To be quite frank, this struck me as melodramatic. You have an emotionless face, obvious questions, and a single tear: all things found in cliche writing. Now, there is a reason cliches are cliche, but by (unintentionally or not) using cliches straight in this, you cheapened the emotional impact this could have had.

I suggest you portray the emotions and the thoughts in a more detailed and specific fashion. Right now, there's nothing separating the girl in this piece from any other girl sitting in front of her mother's headstone. By incorporating more details and taking the time to describe exactly how the girl is feeling (and maybe why she thinks she's feeling it), you will make the girl more real to your reader, enable them to make a connection with her, and so feel her grief more profoundly.

Right now, this piece is too generic.