The Hunters

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The Hunters

Chapter One
The Apocalypse

Haven City.
A city were dreams had once come true. A place which had once been the most tranquil place on Earth. A place which had been full of normal people, going about their normal lives, going to their normal work, coming home to their normal house, eating a normal dinner and going to sleep in their normal beds.
Haven City was no longer like that.
Haven City was now a place where dreams were destroyed, as well as their dreamers. It was now a place swamped in utter chaos. It was now a place where people either died excruciatingly painful deaths or lived excruciatingly painful lives.
Haven City was now a hell-hole, and there was no way out.

The man reflected on his past life as he stumbled through the abandoned streets. Every time he heard a sound, he would turn and point his pistol in the direction the sound had come from. He was scared, and he was alone until the Hunters decided to come and give him some company. He assured himself that that wouldn't happen, but he needed to get back to New Haven before nightfall, and nightfall was dangerously close.
Nightfall was when the Hunters ventured from their den. If you were outside at night, the Hunters would get you. There were no ifs or buts. If you were outside when the Hunters prowled, you would die.
The problem was, he had absolutely no idea where he was going. Haven City had once been easy to navigate; landmarks had been scattered around, there had been helpful strangers to give you advice and, most importantly, the street signs had still been intact.
The first thing the Hunters had done when they had taken over the city was to destroy all the signs, essentially turning the entire area into a huge labyrinth. Clever buggers, the man thought, but they were animals, and Humans could always outsmart animals. That was the one fact that gave him confidence in this crazy world.
But even that was not enough, as he wandered, lost, through the city. The sky got darker, and Hunters waited patiently for it to become dark enough for them to hunt.
He licked his lips and ran his hand through his short, black hair which was now drenched with sweat. He always did that when he was nervous.
He'd found a way out. He needed to get back to New Haven. He couldn't get killed now, it just wasn't fair. He wanted to be a hero.
Another hour passed, and he was plunged into darkness. The street lights had long since stopped working, and the only light was the eerie pale grey glow the moon gave off.
He heard a scuffle of feet, and turned, resisting the urge to scream. There was nothing there. It was just his mind playing tricks on him. The Hunters couldn't get him now. He knew a way out.
If the Hunters did get him, he knew how it would go. It'd toy with his fear, and get tired of it. Then, a quick slash to the neck, then nothing.
Suddenly, he heard a growling behind him. He turned, sweat pouring down his face, and saw a dark silhouette staring at him. He stiffened.
He couldn't show any signs of fear to the Hunter. It wouldn't attack him if he stayed confident. That's what he was told.
The creature prowled in circles around him, snarling, and he followed it, keeping eye contact. It roared, then stood in silence for a moment. Then it jerked towards him.
His hand shook, and the creature was let loose.
It gave a hellish scream and lunged at him, and he turned and ran. He heard it's feet scuffling behind him, getting closer and closer every second.
In the darkness, he tripped. He fell face first to the tarmac, crying out at the impact. He tried to push himself up, but he didn't have the strength. He simply lay, his cheek on the road, staring to the side.
The Hunter skidded to a halt next him. The man found himself staring straight into the blood red eyes of the apocalypse. Using it's front legs, the creature flipped him over. It stood on it's chest. It stared at him, growling lowly. A string of spittle dripped from it's mouth onto his face.
Involuntarily, he began to scream.
He screamed as loud as he could. He couldn't stop. The creature let out what seemed to be a snort of laughter, and lifted one of it's front legs.
It's claws appeared, stretching out from it's toes like a sword from a scabbard. Three inches of jet black ivory slowly extended from it's paws.
Somehow, he screamed even louder.
Behind the Hunter, he saw a group of red eyes piercing the darkness at the end of the road. His assailant turned it's head and barked at them. They dispersed, seeing that this prey was already taken. It turned back to him. It tired of his fear.
A quick slash to the neck.
And then nothing.

Chapter Two
New Haven

Callum sat by his stereo player and sighed. He took a random CD from his home-made rack of salvaged records. Foo Fighters. Good. He liked them.
He put the CD in the stereo and turned it on, before getting up and taking a book from his home-made bookcase of salvaged books. It was a black book with a yellow circle on the front. J.R.R Tolkien's Lord of the Rings; The Fellowship of the Ring. He grinned. Luck was on his side today.
He put the book on the table next to the stereo and made himself a drink of flat, warm Coke. He sipped it and sank back into his chair, smiling contentedly.
Callum never had time to relax. He always had to guard the mines, or guard the walls, or guard the gate, or guard the crazy prophet types to make sure they didn't preach too much madness. That's what he was. A guard. He never got any time to himself.
The chair creaked and he froze. Deciding it was nothing, he leant back again, at which point the chair collapsed. He fell back, spilling his drink down the front of his shirt and all over his book. Swearing loudly, he pulled himself up, wiping at the front of his shirt. He picked up the book, but the first few pages were soaked and would probably rip at the slightest touch. Again, he swore, more loudly and obscenely this time.
Somebody banged on the door. Callum exhaled in exasperation. No doubt this would be Natalie with more work for him. Natalie was the boss of the guards.
“Come in!” He shouted, inadvertently letting his irritation show. Natalie opened the door and looked around.
“Having fun?” She asked. Callum uttered a string of obscenities and she tried not to laugh.
“What do you want?” He asked, his voice sharp as a dagger.
“Jake's finished his shift on the mine. Your turn.”
“Fine, just let me change my shirt.” Callum ushered her out of the door, and she commented about his attitude towards his superiors. Callum trudged over to his dresser, which was also home-made, and took out a black t-shirt, which was also salvaged. He unbuttoned his ruined short and slid on his new shirt, before leaving the shack and walking into New Haven.
New Haven was a small place. It looked remarkably like a shanty town; all the buildings were made out of junk like sheets of scrap metal and cinder blocks; it wasn't uncommon for building to collapse completely, but it was safer than sleeping outside. There was a wall around the village which was essentially just a pile of tires and anything else they had at hand. It wasn't great, but you could stand on it and it could take a beating.
One of the good things about New Haven was that everybody knew everybody else. During the short walk to his shift, Callum was greeted almost twenty times, by people who were all his friends; which was pretty good, considering there were only thirty-three people living in New Haven.
Along the way, he picked up a weapon from the guard post – the only brick building in the whole place. They'd taken the building back from the Hunters long ago, who were using it to get into New Haven and steal people away in the dead of night.
Being a guard was very simple. You stopped people who weren't authorised going in to wherever you were guarding, and you stopped anything that wasn't authorised coming out of wherever you were guarding. It was basically just standing there with a gun looking threatening. It was a boring job, but someone had to do it.
Callum was guarding the Mines today. The Mines weren't really mines; more like a series of tunnels dug out by the residents of New Haven in case the village got overrun. There was enough food and water in the Mines to last them about six months, as well as ample medical supplies. There was also an escape tunnel in case whatever captured the village got into the tunnels, but that tunnel had long since been occupied by Mutants.
'Mutant' was the collective term for anything that had been mutated by the bomb that had destroyed the city. They were typically unnaturally tall, but hunched over beings, their skin stretched taut and tearing in some areas to reveal the pale green flesh beneath.
Mutants were, as mentioned before, beings that had been changed by the bomb. The bomb had presumably been some form of bio-terrorism, but nobody really knew for certain. All they knew was that whatever disease it had contained or caused had spread out of control and destroyed half the world.
Callum stood at his post for a few hours. His main talent was standing still; he was practically incapable of being bored. He just stood and watched the sun climb through the sky.
Every now and again he heard a banging on the trap door which lead to the mines. There'd been reports from the other guards of noises coming from down below, so Callum woke himself from his trance and watched it intently. More bang were coming from the tunnels, becoming progressively more frequent and loud. Eventually, the door burst open and a pale creature clambered out. It's head was held down so he couldn't see it's face, and it stood there, coughing and vomiting, for a few minutes. People were gathering to watch this strange creature.
Suddenly, the creature looked up. It's head swivelled around like an owl's, surveying the crowd. It then looked at Callum. He saw that the skin on it's face was stretched to breaking point, tearing at some points to show semi-transparent, pale green flesh.
It saw the gun and screamed at him. Callum instantly decided that it was a Mutant and shot it.
The bullet hit it in the eye, snatching it's head back. The rest of it's body soon followed, and it slammed onto the ground. It jerked in the spasms of death for a few moments, and then was still. The crowd watched solemnly, then dispersed. Death had become a part of life for them, and they were no longer appalled by it.
It lay on the cracked pavement, red blood pulsing from the wound slowly.
Callum shut the trap door, almost slipping on the pungent mixture of blood and sick that now coated the floor, and kicked the body. It deflated with a sickening sigh, and puffed green smoke into the air. Callum instinctively covered his mouth and waved the stuff away, and then sent a civilian to tell Natalie what had happened.
This isn't good, he thought, the Mutants are in the main mines. We might need to collapse them, and then what if the Hunters attack?
He stood by the door, and finished his shift.

This is my first real work in about two years. As such, it is probably riddled with errors and stuff. It's not finished yet, I'll be updating it one chapter at a time. Please, enjoy. Or not. Really, it's your decision :)
Last edited by Sandvich on Thu Sep 16, 2010 5:59 pm, edited 2 times in total.
The Fear Contest - Winners

1st Place - Hit the Black by mikeypro
2nd Place - Makeshift Calamity by jcipriano1
3rd Place - Ashes and Blood by HaydenSmith

"And so I arrive, like a sudden windstorm at a kindergarten picnic!" - Dimentio




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Hiya! Nice to see you away from the Welcome Mat, out and about, posting your work, all that great stuff. :D

First off, I believe this is a novel. It is, right? If I'm correct, then this should be posted in the Novels forum (if you're simply confused, don't be; I made the same mistake when I first arrived). To get it switched to Novel, simple ask a mod (anyone whose name is green) to move it for you. Easy peasy.

Also, I don't think it's necessary to put (A Post-Apocalyptic Fiction) in the title. We'll get that soon enough, if you do your job well enough, and having that there seems like a spoiler. At very least, it gives people a certain mindset befor they even read the first word.

But onto the actual work.

A city were dreams had once come true. A place which had once been the most tranquil place on Earth. A place which had been full of normal people, going about their normal lives, going to their normal work, coming home to their normal house, eating a normal dinner, and going to sleep in their normal beds.


1. You need to add a comma at the end, where I inserted one in red.

2. I'd change both of the red "place"s into "city". It follows with the beginning "city" and it sounds redundant when you say "the most tranquil place on Earth." Also, I don't think earth needs to be capitalized. I could be wrong though...

3. While this opening is good, it's a tad bit cliched. I've seen it used many times over, and if you want to really catch your readers from the beginning, do something more unique, something more dramatic. I'd start off with you talking about the man; readers love people and they love action, so if you start with that and add the stuff about Haven City later then they will want to read more, sooner. (At least, that's what James Scott Bell just told me in his book Plot & Structure. XD )

Haven City was now a hell-hole, and there was no way out.


1. I don't think you need the comma, but I'd get someone else to nitpick for you (ask Skins, my comma usage is horrible XD ).

2. So far, you've got my interest. Your word usage is quite good. This is where you start to lose me. I like the "there was no way out" part of the sentence; it flows well with the previous paragraphs. It's your use of "hell-hole" that's got me on edge. It's not necessarily that word, it's just that it's a little too "be damned if I know" kind of word. Like someone who talks like that would say it. It just doesn't match up with what you've been saying so far. (Wow, am I being picky...)

He was scared, and he was alone until the Hunters decided to come and give him some company.


When I first read this, I thought that the Hunters were the good guys, and that they were his friends that were coming to aid in protection for all of them -- safety in numbers and all that jazz. I'd word this so that we realize the Hunters are the threat he's worrying about.

I don't have that much more time, so I won't worry about nitpicks. Here's a general overview.

Grammar

Okay, so what happened to "I'm so bad at grammar and punctuation" and all that crap? For a first draft this is actually really good. Not perfect, but is anything ever, even after many editing times? Anyways, I didn't see any repeating errors that suggest you're heading in the wrong path. Good job.

Characterization

Okay, so at first I was a little like "Why doesn't this guy have a name." I now see why you might think he wouldn't need one, with dieing and all, but if you really want us to sympathize and to see just how horrible the Hunters are, give him a name. Give him uniqueness and then we'll start to care and we'll start getting bitter at the Hunters when they kill him.

Plot

So far, this looks like a good read. It's hard to tell, because it's just a first chapter, but it's heading in the right direction. One thing I noticed is, you're pretty good at adding tension. This is a very good thing. Me, I'm horrible at it. I'd say, if anything, drag out your sentences more (not in a dragging kind of way, but make them longer, with thoughts, extended actions, anything that keeps him in the hot seat longer).

Overall, a good read. Sorry I was picky at the beginning -- but beginnings will make or break your book (well, maybe not make your book, but it will definitely break it if given the chance). PM me when the next part's up, will ya? :)

loveness, ultraviolet <3
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com




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Wow. This was soooooooooooooooooo good! Tell me if you write more! I loved the suspense and the ending!
What a shame,
We used to be such fragile broken things.




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Hey Sandvich! Okay, so being you're new here, you probably don't realize this but, when posting another chapter, you can just make another post on Read/Write. With a novel, you post it as a novel and every new chapter you post you have an option to bundle it together with the rest in an index-like thing. And I'd still suggest getting a mod to switch this to Novels. I could contact one for you, if you wanted, though all you'd have to do is PM them asking for them to switch it. I'm going to hold off reviewing this for now, because it's that much easier for reviews when you don't post all your chapters on one thread. *hopes she made sense*

If you have any questions about how Novels work, or anything else, PM me. I'd be glad to help.

loveness, ultraviolet <3
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com




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ultraviolet wrote:Hey Sandvich! Okay, so being you're new here, you probably don't realize this but, when posting another chapter, you can just make another post on Read/Write. With a novel, you post it as a novel and every new chapter you post you have an option to bundle it together with the rest in an index-like thing. And I'd still suggest getting a mod to switch this to Novels. I could contact one for you, if you wanted, though all you'd have to do is PM them asking for them to switch it. I'm going to hold off reviewing this for now, because it's that much easier for reviews when you don't post all your chapters on one thread. *hopes she made sense*

If you have any questions about how Novels work, or anything else, PM me. I'd be glad to help.

loveness, ultraviolet <3


Hooooly crap, that was quick. :3

I'll contact a mod after I finish watching Scrubs. Thanks :3
The Fear Contest - Winners

1st Place - Hit the Black by mikeypro
2nd Place - Makeshift Calamity by jcipriano1
3rd Place - Ashes and Blood by HaydenSmith

"And so I arrive, like a sudden windstorm at a kindergarten picnic!" - Dimentio




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1193
Reviews 262
Sandvich wrote:
ultraviolet wrote:Hey Sandvich! Okay, so being you're new here, you probably don't realize this but, when posting another chapter, you can just make another post on Read/Write. With a novel, you post it as a novel and every new chapter you post you have an option to bundle it together with the rest in an index-like thing. And I'd still suggest getting a mod to switch this to Novels. I could contact one for you, if you wanted, though all you'd have to do is PM them asking for them to switch it. I'm going to hold off reviewing this for now, because it's that much easier for reviews when you don't post all your chapters on one thread. *hopes she made sense*

If you have any questions about how Novels work, or anything else, PM me. I'd be glad to help.

loveness, ultraviolet <3


Hooooly crap, that was quick. :3

I'll contact a mod after I finish watching Scrubs. Thanks :3


That's what happens when you have no life. (And by you, I mean me.) XD
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com




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Well, this was pretty good--nice and fool (which means cool, if you weren't aware). I liked the premise and all, but I agree with the person above--the guy should have a name.

As far as grammar goes, said person also has that covered. I'd go for more description--varied description--and maybe hold off on all the info about what's up and make it more personal.

Oh, and I want to know more about the mutants. Are they evil? Do they eat people? Do they infect people? What? Is there any reason why one gets shot, or is it just because they're weird?

...Just curious...
My SPD senses are tingling.



Painting is poetry that is seen rather than felt, and poetry is painting that is felt rather than seen.
— Leonardo da Vinci