The Cobra-Chapter One

Alright, so...this is the novel I was having so many issues with earlier. I finally finished chapter one (Go me!) and so, here it is! Thanks in advance for any reviews!

Chapter 1

Adara stepped around dead bodies, blinking hard against the tears that were streaming down her cheeks and blurring her vision. Her entire body trembled violently, and if it was not for the firm grip on her shoulder, she would have caved long ago.

The group stopped suddenly in the middle of the destroyed camp. Amichai released Adara's shoulder, and she had to grip his arm to keep her knees from buckling under her. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't pry her eyes from the ground beneath her, stained a rusty, red colour with blood.

“Go search for any other survivors,” her uncle's voice cut through the silence like a dagger. “Carry the wounded back into the forest and give them immediate attention. Everybody is to be treated as a son or daughter and nobody is to be left behind.” Amachai's orders were clear as ever, though his voice held more sorrow than Adara had ever recalled hearing in one man. She looked up at him, saw the tears coursing down his own cheeks. Her uncle was suffering a greater loss than any of the others.

The group of eleven nodded, and despite their own tears and pains, they set off in separate directions. Each was going to be looking for the same thing, that last shred of hope that could only be bought by the sight of a loved one still alive. The task was hopeless, how could anybody not already in hiding have survived this onslaught?

Adara swallowed against the lump in her throat and set off in her own direction. She sidestepped bodes, dodged bits of flaming canvas and ducked under broken tent poles. The whole time she was fighting a pain in her chest, a pain that was threatening to swallow her whole. She struggled against it desperately, ignoring her churning stomach, and searched in vain for any sign of movement among the bodies.

A faint wailing managed to reach Adara's ears and she snapped her head quickly to the right. The cries came again, louder this time; an infant's cries. She stepped over a shattered clay pitcher, following the sound with a renewed hope.

There was a sudden, loud crack, and the world was silent once again. Adara could feel herself stooping over. Her hand wrapped itself around the handle of a sword that had been laying next to one of the fallen warriors. Her blood boiled, and she could feel a righteous anger swarm her body.

The Malarian knight came into view then, from behind a half-burnt tent. In his hand was the mangled body of an infant, head hanging at a peculiar angle.

Before the knight had time to react, Adara had the blade burried into the man's flesh between his armor. She gave the sword a twist before yanking it from his chest, watching him slump over, dead.

A blur of gold caught Adara's eye and she turned just as the bird landed on a remaining pole from a destroyed tent on her left.

“How bad is it?” Adara asked, voice cracking. The tears were coming again, rivers worth of them. She let them fall silently to the ground and closed her eyes. The darkness was a welcome thing. She could see no death, no more blood or burning tents Only blackness that was riddled with odd splotches of colour.

“We've lost over half of the camp,” Magi answered solemnly. “The others are in the forest with your uncle, tending the wounded.”

Adara groaned as she sank to her knees, landing next to the slain knight. These were friends, these were loved ones and children! Family members! “No...” but even as she said it she knew it was true.

Somebody knelt down beside her and a warm hand was rested on her shoulder. “Your uncle's waiting for you,” I low, soothing male voice whispered.

Adara opened her eyes and took the hand that was extended towards her and let her friend pull her gently to her feet. Never had Adara felt so much relief. She flung her arms around his neck, weeping into his shoulder.

Adara had known Chaim since she was a baby, and the two had always been close. If he had been among the dead, Adara would have laid down and died beside his body. Chaim's arms wrapped around her and she could feel his back heaving with sobs.

Magi lighted on Adara's right shoulder, gently tucking a strand of hair behind her ear with his beak. “We should go. I can't stand to be here any longer,” he whispered, voice quivering.

Adara and Chaim released each other, nodded and turned towards the forest. Neither stopped weeping, neither could.

~*~

Hi! Congratulations, your characters are actually human! one of the only obvious typo's i found -

Somebody knelt down beside her and a warm hand was rested on her shoulder. “Your uncle's waiting for you,” I low, soothing male voice whispered.

shouldn't that be A? Magi intrigues me, i have to admit,is he a canary? lol, maybe say if everyone can hear him or just Adara.
One last thing, in the beginning, it says the ground was stained crimson, blood dries pretty quickly and unless it was pretty darn saturated then it would be turning a rusty red.
Well, that's it, i cant wait for more!
Well Done!

Its was really interesting to read, my only problem was at some parts I got a bit lost at to what was happening but thats probly me just being tried . I cant wait for the next one!!

Hi Isha, it's Pink!
Here to review, hope you don't mind So I'm going to nitpick first and then get on with my overall thoughts on the piece.

Nitpicks

Adara stepped around dead bodies, blinking hard against the tears that were streaming down her cheeks and blurring her vision. Her entire body trembled violently, and if it was not for the firm grip on her shoulder, she would have caved long ago.

I like your opening, it's indeed very gripping and it filled with mystery to where the reader wants to jump in and find out why in the world there are dead bodies on the floor.

Amachai's orders were clear as ever, though his voice held more sorrow than Adara had ever recalled hearing in one man. She looked up at him, saw the tears coursing down his own cheeks. Her uncle was suffering a greater loss than any of the others.

I find this a bit hard to picture. I can't imagine someone give strong orders while having tears stream down their cheeks. It makes it sound as if, they're sobbing or something, weak. Maybe loosen up here and just say that his eyes are glossy or on the verge of tears. That way we know he's suffering but keeping his position.

The group of eleven nodded, and despite their own tears and pains, they set off in separate directions.

Why would they go in different directions after this? Shouldn't they at least partner up or something?
I would be afraid to go into a forest by myself, especially after seeing dead bodies, and everything.

She sidestepped bodes, dodged bits of flaming canvas and ducked under broken tent poles.

Bodies?

“Your uncle's waiting for you,” I low, soothing male voice whispered.

I low? I think this a typo or something, lol.

Adara had known Chaim since she was a baby, and the two had always been close. If he had been among the dead, Adara would have laid down and died beside his body. Chaim's arms wrapped around her and she could feel his back heaving with sobs.

If they were that close, I would expect more of a description of him. Plus, he just randomly comes in.

Magi lighted on Adara's right shoulder, gently tucking a strand of hair behind her ear with his beak. “We should go. I can't stand to be here any longer,” he whispered, voice quivering.

I'm pretty sure you meant *landed not lighted.

Overall
I think you have a cool plot, with the whole talking bird thing is pretty cool too. I seriously did love your opener by the way. I think you did well with that. Now, I do have a few questions that I'd like to ask. First of all, what time period are they in? You say knight but from the beginning I thought the camp was like some sort of summer camp where a slaughter occurred. And they were all teenage kids who were just trying to survive. With that being said, I suggest you make sure you explain your setting in the beginning, especially here because not explaining it clearly can lead to many confused readers.

Also, your descriptions were good but there were parts where you skipped them. Such things like how her Uncle looked like or even Chaim. What do they look like? What are they wearing? You way of explaining emotions is great but work on building a visual stage so we can see things in our heads and picture them. Right now, I picture Chaim and her Uncle like a black silhouette because I have no information on them.

Your grammar was good, so thumbs up! I only noticed a few typos and misspelled words which I pointed out, so that shouldn't be too much of a problem. But I still advise you to double check your work or have someone reread it before it's posted. Sometimes, you miss things that others don't. Believe me, I have the same problem and no matter how many times I reread my work, someone always finds a few typos and misplaced words, haha.

There was also a bit of problem with the flow of events. I mean, it was a bit weird in some parts. Like, she was on the verge of collapsing earlier and then she goes on and kills a knight? I don't think I would be able to do that...One more thing, I think you went to fast during the middle of the chapter. That may have caused you to miss descriptions and such things as the main setting because it's important that your readers know where the scene is being taken place.

Your plot, I don't exactly see much of it in this chapter and that's not such a bad thing, most likely you'll get one rolling in the next chapter or so, this chapter seems to focus more on the attention grabber aspect, I suppose. Still, I think you could have explained a few things a little clearer. Such as, why they were attacked or some basic knowledge behind these knights and why the dude was holding an infant and what exactly was going on. Don't be afraid to put some info in here because if you leave us guessing too much, it can drive someone away. So a tad bit of information could have helped a little. Other than that, I think this was pretty good first chapter, you did well
Hope I helped. Cheers,

~Shear

Isha, this is actually good!

I do have ONE suggestion. Please describe the setting. You know...uh, did I miss it? I couldn't picture if the story took place in a fantasy world--or in Mars..hehehe...

and also, I find it so short. If you're going to write a story this good, you should post the next chapter asap...haha