Your Monster

Alright...so, I wrote this poem last night while I was half asleep. xD I didn't do too much editing, but I was peer-pressured into posting it. (You know who you are you wonderful people)
So, since I was half asleep, I don't know how good it is. =D
It's longish and the stanzas seem to get...wider...as you progress. xD
Anyways, thanks in advance for any reviews!

Oh my dear friend,
You've been fading away.
Your eyes are so desperate,
They've shackled you;
Beaten you till you bled.
You're so broken now,
and you're left like this,
twisted and ready to rot.

My dear fading friend,
My eyes are so full now,
Of these crystalline teardrops.
And they fall so uselessly
Onto those shackles you're bound to.
You keep refusing me,
Unwilling to see that slowly,
Who you are is decaying.

And why, my dear friend,
Can you not see that monster?
He's holding the chains,
And sneering at me.
I've been veiled in fear,
There's something he's saying,
Profuse words that make me quiver.
“He's mine, he's mine.”

My lost dear friend,
Your radiance has vanished.
That which was once so obvious,
That hope festering in you is gone.
You say it's deserted you,
But I know this is a lie.
For it's so obvious,
that you deserted it.

I no long see my dear friend.
This spiralling hatred is all I have left,
Of a once captivating love.
My tears have stopped dripping.
those tiny wet speckles on your shackles,
bring no more than extra pain.
And my newest fear,
Is that you're forever gone.

You were once my dear friend,
but there was no end to the nightmare.
You wouldn't accept love,
The love I was so freely offering.
You were lost then and forever,
And no longer do I see,
That monster who held your chains,
Or the chains he was holding.

Oh my forever lost friend,
There's no monster holding you back,
He's a part of you now.
He lets you ravage freely.
You're one and the same now,
And your gain is also your greatest loss.
For out of your lips come his words,
Words that choke me.

“He's mine, he's mine.”

Well for someone whos half asleep, you wrote amazing poem, it was deepessing but there was a lot emotion in. I'm not that good at reviewing and this my first one, but that poem is really good.

Hey Isha! I'm here to review.

I like the story you're telling; I really do! It's interesting, and something I would come up with (so naturally I like it ). But in all honesty, my enjoyment ends there. The poem itself is so cramped with cliched imagery and phrases that any positive marks there may be are irrelevant. In order for this to become a well-rounded poem, you need to get rid of these terms and stay away from them for good. Not too difficult to do!

Just to help you out a bit more, here's a list of the cliches in your poem that I would highly suggest you never use again(and I mean that in the nicest way possible ):

Fading away
Desperate eyes
So broken
Crystalline teardrops
Monster
Chains
Vanished Radiance
Spiraling hatred
Captivating love
Tears
Forever gone
Forever lost

Some of these, like "monster" and "chains," I can see are used metaphorically to stand for something else (my guess would be there is someone who is a bad influence on a good person, but that person is too afraid or confused to see it/run away from the danger--hence monster and chains). But in my opinion, you would be better off not using the metaphors and just going for a more literal approach, because terms like "monster" and "chains" in that metaphorical context are so overused and can really ruin your poem.

I hope I could help some! Just keep trying to find better, more original ways to say what you want, and I think you'll do fine. ^_^

ok. here I go.

Isha wrote:Alright...so, I wrote this poem last night while I was half asleep. xD I didn't do too much editing, but I was peer-pressured into posting it. (You know who you are you wonderful people)
So, since I was half asleep, I don't know how good it is. =D
It's longish and the stanzas seem to get...wider...as you progress. xD
Anyways, thanks in advance for any reviews!

Oh my dear friend,
You've been fading away.
Your eyes are so desperate,
They've shackled you;
Beaten you till you bled.
You're so broken now,
and you're left like this,
twisted and ready to rot.This is a bit demented, and being a proud maniac, I actually like it. The vocabulary is somewhat simple, but nice overall.

My dear fading friend,
My eyes are so full now,
Of these crystalline teardrops.
And they fall so uselessly
Onto those shackles you're bound to.
You keep refusing me,
Unwilling to see that slowly,
Who you are is decaying.Very understandable.

And why, my dear friend,
Can you not see that monster?
He's holding the chains,
And sneering at me."And" doesn't need to be capitalized. Neither does "can", or "there" or "profuse". I do know that microsoft word does this automatically though, so you're okay.
I've been veiled in fear,
There's something he's saying,
Profuse words that make me quiver.
“He's mine, he's mine.”So far, I like where this is going.

My lost dear friend,
Your radiance has vanished.
That which was once so obvious,
That hope festering in you is gone.
You say it's deserted you,
But I know this is a lie.
For it's so obvious,
that you deserted it.

I no long see my dear friend.
This spiralling hatred is all I have left,
Of a once captivating love.
My tears have stopped dripping.
those tiny wet speckles on your shackles,
bring no more than extra pain.
And my newest fear,
Is that you're forever gone.

You were once my dear friend,
but there was no end to the nightmare.
You wouldn't accept love,
The love I was so freely offering.
You were lost then and forever,
And no longer do I see,
That monster who held your chains,
Or the chains he was holding.

Oh my forever lost friend,
There's no monster holding you back,
He's a part of you now.This is my favorite part right here.
He lets you ravage freely.
You're one and the same now,
And your gain is also your greatest loss.
For out of your lips come his words,
Words that choke me.

“He's mine, he's mine.”
overall, I love it. I like the imagery and the descriptions. I don't even have much advice, to be honest. keep writing (: