Expanding

This is my first time posting. I really like criticism, and suggestions. Thanks for reading!

I know bubbles can’t stay in water forever, but
damn, it feels so good to drip down your body.
Fizzing and popping, pockets of hard air shatter out the back of my skull
like sap frozen trees.

I want to eat you up.
I’ll suck you into my lungs like cool smoke
And blow shadows over your eyelids.

I know the universe is always expanding, but
what if my brain could expand around you?
My hips, and thoughts, and pulsing breaths revolving around your heat
until I’ve scorched an ellipse into this stagnant universe.

Hello there
I have to say that I love the wit behind this. It's really quite good. There was great use of imagery and great power behind it.

Fizzing and popping, pockets of hard air shatter out the back of my skull
like sap frozen trees.

This line was absolutely lovely, great imagery.

I don't have much to say because I don't have much time, but keep writing.
Oh, welcome to YWS by the way. PM me for anything.

Good job

Hello there, Kyladoot, and (a belated) welcome to YWS.

If there is one thing about this poem that could use work, it is how the imagery jumps around. For instance, in the first stanza, it starts out that the narrator is the bubbles, but then suddenly he's not. Similarly, in the second stanza, "you" is the smoke, but then the smoke is being blown onto "you"'s eyes. This jumping and inconsistency make the poem quite confusing.

Now, this isn't to say such shifts can't work; just that what you currently have is lacking that smooth transition between one and the other. Rather than making leaps, try building a bridge that your reader can follow as the ideas shift. It will give your poem a greater sense of coherency.

Hi Kyladoot -

Your aesthetics are working much better than the consistency of your content, so I feel tempted to ignore the content, somewhat. However, poetry isn't built on aesthetics and cloaks and dresses alone; there's got to be something of a discernible body within it, not necessarily naked, but a complete entity in itself. I am seeing intriguing images but lack of completeness, here.

I know bubbles can’t stay in water forever, but
damn, it feels so good to drip down your body

Personally, I would put 'damn' on the former line. Currently, with the 'but' as it is, we focus pointedly on the 'but' and then somewhat less pointedly on the 'damn' in rapid succession...and this double pause ruins the flow of the poem. 'But damn' sounds a little more character-driven too, which is great; whereas what you've got now tries awkwardly to cover up that attitude.

Also - the phrase sounds lovely but falls apart when given some thought. Bubbles can't stay in water forever, fine. From this we infer the narrator is either in a bathtub, or is looking into one. We also infer a certain impermanency of a theme, things dissolving, bubbles popping out of existence, quite in contrast to the 'expanding' that is your title. Second line: feels so good to drip down your body. What has this got to do with bubbles vanishing? Do you mean that bubbles on one's body feel great in water but must be physically taken out in order to feel the even more 'great' feeling of water running down one's skin? If that is what you intended, what you've got up there is not conveying it properly. Too much of a jump to make; you're relying on the average reader to do something to imagine and comprehend that they really don't need to to: pause, quite unnecessarily, like I just did and hash out something plausible.

Add in another line in there. Make the transition smoother.

Fizzing and popping, pockets of hard air shatter out the back of my skull
like sap frozen trees.

Fizzing and popping as description for bubbles...ho hum. Seen it before. 'Pockets of hard air' was where it got excellent, but you destroyed it with the clunkiness of 'sap frozen trees'. Trying to cram too much in there, and the image doesn't work anyway. Frozen trees do not shatter spontaneously like bubbles pop. Your simile is off. Think of something else.

I know what you are trying to convey here: a bubble bursting / hard air shattering as being akin to an expansion, in that bubbles / balloons etc seem to expand to max volume and then burst. But the focus you've got on the bursting itself is preventing me from picturing the expansionary process...instead, it seems like the bubble/balloon/pocket of air is collapsing inward upon 'explosion' into nothingness - seems more contractionary. Draw out the expansionary process, mesmerise us with it and then have the final 'burst' added like an afterthought, an echo of something that had more meaning when larger.

I want to eat you up.
I’ll suck you into my lungs like cool smoke

'Eating' someone, metaphorically, is a very crushing sort of love, don't you think? I kind of obsessive desire that pushes down hard on the object of its desire..and that, in a word, is why this image didn't mesh with 'expansion,' because that kind of love is not lightheaded or freely floating; it's heavy and weighs down. Also, 'suck you into my lungs' is too close to 'eat you up' in image, so seems repetitious.

You know what? This poem needs a title change, since your title is so horribly misleading. Everything you've said so far hints more at contraction than expansion.

I know the universe is always expanding, but
what if my brain could expand around you?

I want there to be an innocent question in this. However, why on earth would someone want their brain to expand around their love? That is appalling. And you talk of expansion in this final stanza, after having had no regard for it whatsoever in any of the other stanzas. This is why there is some serious disconnection.

My hips, and thoughts, and pulsing breaths revolving around your heat
until I’ve scorched an ellipse into this stagnant universe.

Save it for another poem. It's beautiful, but it doesn't work here. The contrast of the cold bubbles and the heat is juvenile. And the concept of revolution, more than expansion, is why I say it belongs in another poem - because they are different concepts, and this poem is too short to allow full exploration of both ideas in tandem.

Not half-way decent, but with edits, this could be.


PM me if you want to discuss this poem / look over redrafts.


Navita