A new beginning

Nothing.

Is all I can use to describe what’s around me. Desolation and misery are around me, Darkness is everywhere engulfing every single shred of space. So no light is visible. Light itself doesn’t exist, nothing does. But yet hear I am, alone. I’m not quite sure why I exist, I’m not sure how I got here and I’m not particularly happy about being here either. Sometimes I see little snippets of colour or life, something that will give me the strength to exist but they disappear and it’s dark again. It’s icy and depressing but somehow the darkness holds some sort of potential. Like a balloon about to burst. Waiting for someone to change it, make its something more.

At times I feel the darkness winning, threatening to engulf me and pull me into everlasting dark.


Sometimes I think the darkness wants to change too, maybe it is as miserable as I am but as much as I will for something to happen, as much as I try to create light, life, colour. The darkness stays.

Change

Why won’t it change?


Why can’t I make anything? Why can’t I change it?

I’m angry, angry at the fact that I’m so useless. If I could weep I would but I can’t even make the eyes that I need to cry or the water that is needed to make those tears.

Change

Change, I scream.

Then it hits me. I couldn’t scream before could I? Did sound even exist before?
Maybe I couldn’t even think. Maybe I’ve been changing all this time. Maybe I’m evolving.

Tears. I think

And I’m amazed at the fact that I feel moisture. I can feel the tears on my skin. I have skin! And I can taste it with my tongue

I’m slowly evolving into something, something new and exciting. Something … human. And I see, I see the destruction that I will cause. I see it as clear as day and it makes me want to stop, makes me not want to evolve.

It’s inevitable, I will evolve. I do not think I can stand it anymore. If I stay this way the darkness will win and there will be no light for eternity. Even if there is destruction in the future surely it is better than this.

Then something springs into existence for the first time.
It is hope. It rushes through my new found body and I find myself smiling for the first time. The being that I am is able to hope.

The darkness is losing; I can feel it slipping away. It can not stop it. This is the way it was meant to be.

Then there is an explosion then brilliant white light. And it’s beautiful; it’s moving fast and taking over. The sound is intense and the heat is almost unbearable.

Then it cools and I’m in darkness again but this time its different .This darkness has a certain beauty to it, like everything that is and ever will be nestled in its very being.


I smile for the second time because I know that I can create whatever I want now. The universe is my oyster, an oyster I can change and alter till the end of time.

Hello, let's begin with the reviewing.

Nothing.

Is all I can use to describe what’s around me.

The beginning is not quite appealing this way; it kind of makes the reader want to correct it. "Nothing is all I can use to describe what's around me." This may be a much better beginning.

So no light is visible.

As you have previously stated the fact that there is darkness, it's not neccessary to say the same thing in a different way. It sounds repetitive.

Sometimes I see little snippets of colour or life, something that will give me the strength to exist but they disappear and it’s dark again.

Odd word used (referring to 'snippets' but good word choice all the same (Y) !

Sometimes I think the darkness wants to change too, maybe it is as miserable as I am but as much as I will for something to happen, as much as I try to create light, life, colour. The darkness stays.

There should be a comma there instead of the fullstop you originally placed.

Change

Why won’t it change?


Why can’t I make anything? Why can’t I change it?

The fervent questions here really appealed to my senses as a reader. Well done here!

It’s inevitable, I will evolve.

I think you'd better rephrase you sentence or something, it would sound much better.

I smile for the second time because I know that I can create whatever I want noweither a fullstop would be better here or a semi colon. Certainly not a comma.I can make the universe exactly as I want it.

Overall, I really liked your piece! The thoughts going through your mind as you evolved were so strongly written, I was well convinced this was happening. Well done and keep it up! x

Hey!

Hmmm, I like this. There's some really good decription and I think the vague, abstractey feel works well.

So no light is visible. Light itself doesn’t exist, nothing does.

I agree with Huff Puff that this isn't really necessary. Sometimes repetition isn't a good technique but here it feels like you're just padding out the paragraph and stating the obvious. If darkness is everywhere, then people are going to assume that there's no light.

At times I feel the darkness winning, threatening to engulf me and pull me into everlasting dark.

I'm not sure this works. If the narrator is in darkness already then getting pulled into darkness wouldn't change anything. I guess you mean that they'll fade completely, but maybe you could express this more clearly, that it's their last scrap of consciousness that could be taken away or something like that.

Change

Change, I scream.

This repetition I really like. Although, if the narrator doesn't have eyes to cry then wouldn't it follow that they don't have a mouth to scream with either?

The universe is my oyster, an oyster I can change and alter till the end of time.

Not too fond of this simile. "The world is my oyster" is pretty cliche and it's not possible to change or alter a pearl, so, yeah.. Maybe you could find a more original image, that fits with the theme of feeling like you can do anything, but also fits better with the moulding, shaping metaphor?

Aside from these nitpicks I like this. As I said, there's some really good description in it. The only overall criticism I have is that to me it felt a bit predictable. Like, you just knew that sooner or later something was going to change - I guess the repitition of the word change might have added to that feeling xD - and that's not nescessarily a bad thing, but it means that you need to do something really special to make the moment when things do change have the desired effect. Perhaps you could describe the narrator's feelings in the latter part more, or spend more time describing the light and the way the darkness feels different. This is a very open story which basically gives you the opportunity to do lots of description without having to worry about character or dialogue or plot, so you might as well make the most of it and make it so the reader can really visualise what's happening.

Keep writing!

Hey Write!

This is depressing Darkness, desolation and misery is not something people really want to empathise with, and it won't make them too optimistic about reading the rest of your work.

I do however like the ending. I like the idea of this being, though I'm not sure what it is, regaining its senses and taking control. I think there's a lot of potential here if you buff it out a lot more.

You've used the word Dark a lot, and repitition is never good, so you should replace it with other words - but - stay away from the thesaurus. Most of this is written in simple langauge, so more complex words like Desolation look like they've been put in there because it sounds good. Words like inky and shadowed are alternatives of dark that don't stick out so much.

I think the other two have picked up on everything else, so I'll avoid repeating them.

This is a great start, but I think if you work on it over time you can turn it into something brilliant.

I agree with the others. This is depressing, all dark and gloomy. *shivers* I'm more of i smiley person

Is all I can use to describe what’s around me. Desolation and misery are around me, Darkness is everywhere engulfing every single shred of space. So no light is visible. Light itself doesn’t exist, nothing does. But yet hear I am, alone.

The things in red are mistakes and what i would take out. Hear, should be, here. And we know there is no light because you've already said that darkness is engulfing every shred of space.

Tears, I think

And I can taste it with my tongue.

It can not stop it.

I don't really understand this sentence. Should it be, I can not stop it ?

Also, maybe you should grab a thesaurus, because you used the words 'envolve' and 'envolving' quite a few times.

Overall
This piece certainly grabbed my attention. Have you ever read, "The Host" by Stephene Meyer? It sort of reminded me of that for some reason.
But in some ways here i don't fully grasp the idea of the story. What is this thing? You are saying that it is becoming human, so if it's not already then what is it now? Maybe you should twist that into your plot somewhere.

If you would like anything else reviewed, you are welcome to PM me anytime
Keep writing!
Born