The End

This is just something I wrote up while I was thinking of some ideas for a novel. I've started on the novel and this is the prologue but I decided to post this just as a short piece in itself.

When she woke up, the snow fall had stopped. She crawled over to the tiny frail body she had carefully wrapped up in the stolen thin blanket. She pulled back the blanket, cautious not to let the cold wind enter, and put her ear on the baby’s delicate-looking chest. It was breathing. It was alive. Still. Returning the blanket to its original position, she lay down beside the baby and sighed. She watched as vapours blew out of her mouth, disappearing almost at once into the air. It reminded her of the day she had come so close to losing the baby, so close. How long would they survive in this wilderness? She had found some wild berries by the thrush but they were only enough to keep one of them alive. Who would it have to be? If she gave them to the baby, who wasn’t even developed yet to take in solid foods, and the baby survived – just supposing, by some miracle the berries worked – how long would it be before the baby died? It wasn’t long before she felt her thoughts drifting away. Her eye lids drooped. She slept…

…And woke up to the sound of a baby crying. It was dark now and she let her eyes adjust to the dark before reaching out for the baby.
“There there, now,” She whispered into the baby’s ear. “Hush now, little one, and I’ll sing you a lullaby.”
But she did not have the strength to utter the words of the traditional lullaby – the lullaby her own father would sing in his warm, calming voice to soothe her to sweet sleep. No, instead came tears, tears suppressed for too long! They wouldn’t survive. They would die here, buried under heaps of snow, and if someone ever found them, they would be there, mother and baby, soulless bodies sleeping an eternal sleep. A bright thought entered her mind suddenly; they would meet in heaven. She would meet her baby in heaven; the baby she had fought for would see her walking gracefully through the gold gates of paradise and the baby would cry,
“There she is! There’s my mammy!”
Yes, the baby would speak. Recognise her. Smile at her. Acknowledge the pain she had gone through to protect it. There would be no bad people there, no one to scream at her to remember who she was, no one to remind her of her worthlessness. He wouldn’t be there; God wouldn’t allow anymore pain on her. The baby started crying again and she touched its warm tears as they ran down its cheeks.
“Hush,” She whispered again and this time, she summoned up all her strength to utter the lullaby.

She smiled and when the baby had closed its eyes, she lay it down on the snow with the blanket firmly wrapped around it and kissed its forehead. She lay beside it.
“I thank you God for the little angel you have given me. And G-god…” her voice faltered and when she had swallowed back the screams that were fighting to come out, she continued in a stronger voice, “I pray to you…I pray to you and hope with all my heart that you will unite us in heaven. Forgive me God, for I have committed countless sins. Just take away my angel painlessly. Forgive me for every wrong I’ve done. I can’t go on. I’ve got nothing left.”
And at this moment, she realised how completely desperate one became when the final moments came closer and closer.
“Oh God!” She screamed, her voice piercing the cold, silent air as a knife slices a fruit.
That had felt good.
She watched the baby sleep, the blanket slightly rising and falling, assuring her of its life. Assuring? Was that the right word? Did she really want to be assured that it was still alive?
She slowly closed her eyes, her head still facing the baby, and let her thoughts lead the way to sleep.
And, beneath the layers and layers of sub- consciousness, she was well aware that this could possibly be the last time she closed her eyes to this unforgiving world.

Wow. That was powerful. I was almost to the point of tears when she started crying out to God to help her baby pass easily into Heaven. It was sweet, yet heartbreakingly so.

I just have one question: If this is the prologue, how will the story unfold from there? You see, it's powerful in a way that makes me think this is going to be a dramatic story, possibly about that girl's life beforehand (if this is like a revealing of the future type of prologue) or it could be about the baby, like maybe it survived and was found by someone. I don't know. I'm just curious. I guess you'll have to post more!

But in all, I can't remember finding any grammatical errors, at least none jumped out at me like they usually do, so that's good. I think this was a nice story, with that added twist of a moral at the end. You never know what you will miss until it's gone and time to move on. That's when you scramble to make sense of things and to assure yourself of a place once it's ended.

Happy Writing!
Bailey

Thank you so much
Well, basically, the novel revolves around three female characters, leading seperate lives (unaware of each others' existence). As the story unfolds, the reader will be questioning exactly who ends up this way? No, it's not the END, but somewhere in the novel, this "prologue" will take place. SO, the question is: Which one of the three characters was in the prologue?
That's about it Thanks again x

i sometimes find myself looking at certain pieces of writing and wondering how someone can right so well. i know i should critique but it was a very powerful piece and i find it hard to.
i am so sad it ended the way it did but hey that's the way life is, isn't it?.

overall i really enjoyed it.
this was really good

keep writing!!

Hey there,

As a prologue, I like this. I have only a few nitpicks:

She crawled over to the tiny frail body she had carefully wrapped up in the stolen thin blanket. She pulled back the blanket, cautious not to let the cold wind enter, and put her ear on the baby’s delicate-looking chest.

There's an awful lot of adverbs in these two sentences. I'm not saying you should get rid of all of them but you might want to take a few out because they clog it up a bit.

It reminded her of the day she had come so close to losing the baby, so close.

I'm not sure the repetition of 'so close' works that well here. It might emphasize it better if you had it in a separate sentence after, like 'So close.' or 'Too close.' or 'So damn close.' or something like that. Just personal opinion though, it's up to you.

No, instead came tears, tears suppressed for too long!

Exclamation marks should be used sparingly and I don't think you really need one here. You've got this melancholy feel going on and then suddenly it's like, WOAH! Well, I'm exaggerating there but you see what I mean.

“Hush,” She whispered again and this time, she summoned up all her strength to utter the lullaby.

The lullaby is a lovely idea and it might be a nice addition if you wrote out her singing it. Of course, this might mean you have to make up a lullaby if it's a fantasy world, but you could easily use one that already exists or adapt one. It's just a suggestion but I think this scene could have more emotional impact that way.

“Oh God!” She screamed, her voice piercing the cold, silent air as a knife slices a fruit.

To me, the fruit slicing detracts from what's going on here. I'm sure you could come up something that conveys the bleakness and anguish she's feeling better than 'fruit'.

She watched the baby sleep, the blanket slightly rising and falling, assuring her of its life. Assuring? Was that the right word? Did she really want to be assured that it was still alive?

I guess these questions are supposed to show that she's getting too tired to care any more? But it isn't really clear and seems to go against the rest of this; her love for the baby is the one sure thing about her character and now suddenly she doesn't really want to know that it's alive, despite all the worrying she was doing earlier? What I'm trying to say is, I'm not sure what exactly these questions are meant to be saying, and if it's that she's slipping away, I think there are better ways to show that.

But really I'm just picking at tiny things here because this is well written, and I can't really think of anything overall to critique. XD I'd definitely like to read more of this novel so I hope you keep going with it!

PM me if you have any questions or would like to discuss any of this or whatever.

Wow, I know this is late but thank you for the review & thank you writerchick x