laying foundations [edited]

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laying foundations [edited]


We are caught in that open space between
talking and not talking
wood at our backs, beneath our feet
alone in a house built out of a mountain
bannisters like branches

and I think to have grown up here, organic,
jonquils at the window beneath the pines
spaces and closeness
folded into the walls around you

has built both character and contradiction. Here

I am not so much out of my depth as
above the usual sea in which I swim
with quicksilver blindness
and I am sure now this is the distance
that shapes you, with your uncertain foundations
and unshakeable confidences

for the mountains move slow
changing continents
while the air up here is finer
and rarer still for that.
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I thought this poem was rather... poetic.

I had to look up the words "jonquils" and "quicksilver" after reading the poem. Jonquils makes sense, but the line with quicksilver doesn't. Exactly what is "rapid or unpredictable in movement" have to do with blindness? How can blindness be sporadic?

The meaning of that line got muddled, so you might want to try something else.

All in all though, I like how deliberate you were with this poem. Good poets try to cram as much meaning into a line as possible and with the exception of the quicksilver line, you did that very well.
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Hi bubbles.

The opening lines really drew me in and the imagery is great. I'd change "sitting in a" to something softer, as it's a little clunky.

The second stanza and first line of the third stanza are beautifully written.

I'd put a comma after "slow" in the final stanza. The last four lines sounded a bit solid. Maybe try something a little more floaty?

P.m me if you aren't sure what I'm getting at, though I'm not sure I know...just following my instincts...not terribly helpful, but I can try to give examples!

A pleasure, as always. Your poetry makes me happy-truly beautiful stuff.

Jas
"Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise."
-Maya Angelou




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Part way there.

Spoiler
bubblewrapped wrote:
laying foundations


We are caught in that quiet space between
talking and not talking "Quiet" is close. It's understated and simple, which is thematically consistent, but it feels redundant after you write "not talking" which seems to imply the former. "Awkward" is a little too basic, but I'd love to see something more descriptive than "Quiet".
wood at our backs, beneath our feet
sitting in a house built out of a mountain "Wood" becomes "Mountain" which isn't exactly seamless. "Alpine forest/grove/glen"?
bannisters like branches Alright sure.

and I think to have grown up here, organic, Who grew up here? You? The other person? Both?
jonquils at the window beneath the pines Take me there.
spaces and closeness
folded into the walls around you Nice.

has built both character and contradiction. Here "Character and Contradiction", while sounding like a Jane Austin novel and actually being the title of a book written by my college president, is not particularly descriptive. What kind of character? What kind of contradiction?

we are not so much out of our depth as
above the usual sea in which we swim
with quicksilver blindness; Good.
the mountains move slow
changing continents
while the air up here is finer
and rarer still for that.


Uh huh. Too short. This poem does a strong job of establishing a setting, a mountain outpost, a mist cloaked refuge high in the alps on the French/Italian border. (My imagination.) Fair enough. But there's that "we" that starts the poem, and you can't let that hang. There's the "growing up" that hints at a background. This isn't just a place hiked to. This is a place with memories beyond the pines. And this poem needs another stanza to tap into that. And "character" and "contradiction" deserve elaboration.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
- Robert Frost

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