Vanished Prolouge

The door swung open as the wind twirled the hair about my face. The blue eyes staring at me through the door were dark and mysterious. "So, you've heard of the attacks too?" his voice was cold and bitter. "Let's just make sure you're not the next one to go."
"Oh, Al," I giggled. "You know I'll always be safe. My dad is the head of the sheriff's department. He's got all them guns and things."
"Sadie, you've got the cutest southern accent!" Al laughed, stepping out of the dark. His light blonde hair twinkled in the sun and a thousand freckles dotted his face. His smooth hand brushed my shining blond hair behind my ears. His eye's were red from crying. "Al, there's nothing to worry about. I'm still here, that's all that matters." I cooed.
"Sadie, I have to worry. It's just what I do." He said. I could tell he meant it, and that he would be by my side day and night.
"Al, you don't have to worry at all! I promise, I'll be fine!" I pushed his hand from my face as my dad approached.
"Sadie, Al! Jamie is missing too. She was last seen about an hour ago. Sadie, they might come after you next. First your mom, then your sister! What are we going to do?" He cried.
"I told you so Sadie!" Al said putting my hand in his. My eyes watered up.
"Daddy, what happened? Our town used to be so safe! Now, almost every girl in town older than twelve have disappeared! I'm scared!"
"Sadie, I hate it when your green eyes tear up. I promise you will be fine!" Coed my dad.
"Why didn't you save Jamie?" I asked bitterly. I headed to my car and started the engine. I would find that evil person, and I would destroy him. The tears blurred my vision as a small snow began to fall on the car. The colors of the road lights looked distant and uninviting. Our small own of Mayville, Connecticut was full of danger.
A knock on my car window startled me and I rolled it down. "What do you want?" I asked as Al climbed in beside me. It was clear that he had run because he was panting when he sat down beside me.
"Sadie, you have a huge temper! All we want to do is protect you! Heck we don't know who's been doing these attacks!" Al roared. I looked behind him as gun shots fired in the distant and a puff of smoke whipped up creating a mushroom cloud.
"Oh my god!" I screamed as a gang of men surrounded all of the cars on the interstate. One banged on my car door and began to point his gun to the glass. "What the hell is happening?"
"They're here." Was all Al whispered. The door sprang open and before I knew what was happening a gun was pointed to my head and I was forced from the car.
"Sadie!" Al screamed as the group of men forced me into a small black truck. I tried to scream but my sound was muffled. I gritted my teeth and blinked my eyes, something I always did before an attack. I counted the blinks in my head, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ATTACK!
Inch long fags replaced my soft white teeth as I pounced on the man closest to me. "What the..." but he didn't have time to finish his sentence I had sunken my fangs into his neck and taken all the life from him. Good, I thought, I'm much stronger. I attacked the men one by one as I made my way out of the truck. I sucked my fangs back into my teeth as I ran to find Al.
"Al!" I screeched. The highway was empty, vacant. I scanned the cars for even the slightest movement. That's when I heard it. " Sadie?" It was a weak human voice.
"Al? Is that you?" I hollered back. I saw movement in a nearby SUV and I raced there. I found Al in a pool of blood which I had to resist I turned my focus to him. "What happened?" I asked bitterly.
"They shot me." He said with a strangled breath. I couldn't take it anymore. These men with their guns. I pulled out my fangs and sank them into his neck. " What are you doing?" He screamed repeatedly.
I gve him no answer but silently in my head I was thinking. I'm saving you.

Good afternoon,

First and foremost, you spelled "prologue" wrong in your title.

Things I noticed immediately after reading for the first time:

1) I know I'm not the only person who likes to see a well formatted submission on YWS, and surely you've seen other people format their work to make it easier for the reader to view. To me, the best format for a piece of work would look like this:

The door swung open as the wind twirled the hair about my face. The blue eyes staring at me through the door were dark and mysterious. "So, you've heard of the attacks too?" his voice was cold and bitter. "Let's just make sure you're not the next one to go."

"Oh, Al," I giggled. "You know I'll always be safe. My dad is the head of the sheriff's department. He's got all them guns and things."

"Sadie, you've got the cutest southern accent!" Al laughed, stepping out of the dark. His light blonde hair twinkled in the sun and a thousand freckles dotted his face. His smooth hand brushed my shining blond hair behind my ears. His eye's were red from crying.

"Al, there's nothing to worry about. I'm still here, that's all that matters." I cooed.

This formatting allows for readers to enjoy reading the story instead of reading bunched up paragraphs on our computer screens. But that's only my opinion. It's not an official rule on YWS to do this, so I hope that this suggested formatting doesn't deter you from future submissions. A mod has since informed me that adding extra enter spaces is even easier to implement than one would initially think. At the bottom of the post screen when one goes to create a new thread, there is a list of options titled Special Formatting. Selecting the option "Story" automatically add spaces in between paragraphs. So I hope that you use this option in the future

2) You describe too much of what they look like in the beginning, and yet have no descriptions of the actual action scene.

3) Your characters are poorly constructed and aren't very believable at all; their dialogue is absolutely ridiculous and hardly realistic.

4) Your beginning plot is awful (oh teh noes, the girls are going missing, and your MC is the only one left), but I like the idea of vampires, and you ended the prologue on the two best sentences throughout this entire thing - that's not something to cheer about, but you did leave me wanting to read a bit more (once you have taken the effort to format your work)

Onto the blow by blow review. Repetition in green.

Cassie9960 wrote:The door swung open as the wind twirled the hair about my face.

I think you mean, "The wind twirled my hair about my face as the door swung open." Right now your hair is being blown about by winds *inside* the house. On that note, we did not even know that your main character was inside a house. Why was she at the front door?

The blue eyes staring at me through the door were dark and mysterious. "So, you've heard of the attacks too?" his voice was cold and bitter. "Let's just make sure you're not the next one to go."

His eyes can see through doors? Why would he say, "So you've heard of the attacks too" when the whole town is missing girls? The question seems even more ridiculous later on when your MCs father wails about his wife and other daughter being amongst the missing. Please reconsider this whole beginning. I know you're trying to get some backstory in here, but at the moment the whole beginning is laughable.

"Oh, Al," I giggled. "You know I'll always be safe. My dad is the head of the sheriff's department. He's got all them guns and things."

And again what is being said is absolutely cringe-worthy. Sadie's father is head of the sheriff's department (whatever that means) and yet Sadie's mother and sister have gone missing. This whole thing is contradictory. If she is the daughter of a policeman, she wouldn't be giggling about "guns and things". What you're trying to do here, as I understand it, is write about things you do not know about. As you hopefully are noticing, writing about things that you haven't researched, or haven't actually thought about will lead to embarrassing contradictions like the above.

"Sadie, you've got the cutest southern accent!" Al laughed, stepping out of the dark. His light blonde hair twinkled in the sun and a thousand freckles dotted his face. His smooth hand brushed my shining blond hair behind my ears. His eye's were red from crying.
Enter here. You place a new paragraph when a new person speaks, or a new idea is introduced.
"Al, there's nothing to worry about. I'm still here, that's all that matters." I cooed.

The beginning of this entire story made me believe that it was night time, accentuated by Al stepping out of the dark. Then you go on to say that his blonde hair glittered in the sun. Is it day or night? His comment, "Aw, you've go the cutest accent!" is not something a normal person would say upon meeting someone they knew very well for the nth time.

Then after Al has gushed about Sadie's accent, she coos that she's fine because she's still here and everyone else around town who disappeared don't matter in the slightest.

"Sadie, I have to worry. It's just what I do." He said. I could tell he meant it, and that he would be by my side day and night.

"Al, you don't have to worry at all! I promise, I'll be fine!" I pushed his hand from my face as my dad approached.

"Sadie, Al! Jamie is missing too. She was last seen about an hour ago. Sadie, they might come after you next. First your mom, then your sister! What are we going to do?" He cried.

You say that "he will be by my side day and night" and then as soon as you can, Sadie takes off in her car without him. Where did the dad come from? How would he uphold a position with the police if he can't even figure out what to do when someone goes missing? I imagine Sadie's father is not a 9 year old, and yet that's what he's sounding like.

"I told you so Sadie!" Al said putting my hand in his. My eyes watered up.

... just, what?

"Daddy, what happened? Our town used to be so safe! Now, almost every girl in town older than twelve have disappeared! I'm scared!"

This is such an awful way to reveal the back story. It's just bad.

"Sadie, I hate it when your green eyes tear up. I promise you will be fine!" Coed Cooed my dad.

... what father would say that? That's bordering on incestuous paedophilia.

"Why didn't you save Jamie?" I asked bitterly. I headed to my car and started the engine. I would find that evil person, and I would destroy him. The tears blurred my vision as a small snow began to fall on the car. The colors of the road lights looked distant and uninviting. Our small own of Mayville, Connecticut was full of danger.

What Sadie just said made me wince. First she cried, "Daddy, what happened?!?!?! I'm scared!!!" and now she's bitter that he didn't "save" her sister. Then your MC just heads off to her car to go and find the evil person who was stealing all the females and getting away with it, because that's the most logical thing to do.

I don't think you meant, "a small snow", and regardless the two actions don't even match. The rest of the paragraph is equally bad.

A knock on my car window startled me and I rolled it down. "What do you want?" I asked as Al climbed in beside me. It was clear that he had run because he was panting when he sat down beside me.

Why would he have had to run? She hadn't even started the car and was, to my knowledge, still in the driveway or the garage. Unless Al is extremely overweight and any sort of movement induced an asthma attack.

"Sadie, you have a huge temper! All we want to do is protect you! Heck we don't know who's been doing these attacks!" Al roared. I looked behind him as gun shots fired in the distant distance and a puff of smoke whipped up creating a mushroom cloud.

Un-real-ist-ic dial-ogue full-stop

Mushroom cloud =



A gun shot does not a mushroom cloud make.

"Oh my god!" I screamed as a gang of men surrounded all of the cars on the interstate. One banged on my car door and began to point his gun to the glass. "What the hell is happening?"

If you actually meant a real mushroom cloud from an atomic bomb, then Sadie's flesh would have been dripping off her by now. If you didn't mean that, then:

1) How did they get to the interstate within two lines of speech?
2) An interstate: one of the system of highways linking major cities in the 48 contiguous states of the United States. Therefore one can assume that there will be A LOT of cars on these roads. All moving around 100km/hr. And men have managed to surround ALL the cars and there was not one crash.

"They're here." Was all Al whispered. The door sprang open and before I knew what was happening a gun was pointed to my head and I was forced from the car.

"Sadie!" Al screamed as the group of men forced me into a small black truck. I tried to scream but my sound was muffled. I gritted my teeth and blinked my eyes, something I always did before an attack. I counted the blinks in my head, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ATTACK! one, two, three, attack.

Who exactly was there? You're making this story even more unbelievable with these men attacking the interstate - suddenly it's not just confined to one town, but to the highway between two major cities. This would be world news.

Inch long fags replaced my soft white teeth as I pounced on the man closest to me. "What the..." but he didn't have time to finish his sentence I had sunken my fangs into his neck and taken all the life from him. Good, I thought, I'm much stronger. I attacked the men one by one as I made my way out of the truck. I sucked my fangs back into my teeth as I ran to find Al.

How exactly did her "soft" teeth get replaced by fangs? Have you studied the anatomy of a human jaw? Then the actual act of the man being drained off blood is not even described. You don't explain the rush of adrenaline. This is so bland. And your man character not only attacks one man and defeats him, but a lot of them - and none of their deaths are accounted for.

Also, why would she have to run off to find Al? I presumed that the van was within dragging distance of the car, seeing as in one second she had a gun pointed at her head, and in the other she was already in the van.

"Al!" I screeched. The highway was empty, vacant. I scanned the cars for even the slightest movement. That's when I heard it. " Sadie?" It was a weak human voice.

... the interstate... was empty... What in the WORLD happened to all the cars? All the random men with guns? And the words "that's when I heard it" are the weakest way to describe something happening, ever.

"Al? Is that you?" I hollered shouted back. I saw movement in a nearby SUV and I raced there. I found Al in a pool of blood which I had to resist. I turned my focus to him. "What happened?" I asked bitterly.

Why was Al in a random SUV? Why would she ask that question bitterly?

"They shot me." He said with a strangled breath. I couldn't take it anymore. These men with their guns. I pulled out my fangs and sank them into his neck. "What are you doing?" He screamed repeatedly.

What happened to her five second count every time Sadie grew fangs? Why would not being able to take the idea of men and guns make Sadie "pull out her fangs" from out of her pocket and bite Al in the neck?

I gve gave him no answer but silently in my head I was thinking, I'm saving you.

So.

This is bad. Tolerable, but bad. You need to seriously revise this until it makes sense. It's as if you've written bits and pieces of stories and then decided to cobble them together here.

You need to go over this and make a whole heap of changes.

Good luck, reply to this thread with any questions.

- Jai

No one ever said we had to skip spaces between paragraphs here at YWS. Most writers do it to make it easier on themselves. I saw no grammatical errors, or spelling errors.

And now, a few nitpicks that I don't think the person above caught:

- Spell out your numbers.
- You're text was more realistic than some real books I've read, but it can still use just a little bit of tweaking. Make the main character seem older than she does; in my head I say an eight year old driving a car.
- In the part where someone knocks on the car window, please make sure that the car was still stopped. I was a little confused.
- The way you do dialog is not proper. but again, it's better than most people. I'd look up how to decide when to use commas and periods when ending/beginning dialog.

And that's all I got for you today. Keep writing ^-^.

Hey Cassie! I promised you a critique and, well, here I am!

First of all! Very exciting stuff going on here! You have mad people attacking these characters... maybe even vampires??? And then her lover is in the middle of this all and everything is going insane! Very good! Lots of action... me like! I like hooks with tons of action.

Now, you have some awesome dialogue here which definitely conveys that madness is going on! You're going to want to fill it up with some direction as to what is happening. Now, while I like the insanity, it can get really confusing at times because we're not sure exactly what is going on. It's something called "Talking Heads" problem.

Check out this article: topic19245.html

It's by a girl named Cassie as well!

In any case, she talks about how to flesh out the dialogue so it's more understandable. I think if you did that, it would be much more awesome.

Also! I spotted an evil typo. Evil, because it wouldn't be caught on spell check. "Coed" should be "Cooed."

If you have any questions, feel free to bug me!

Thanks for the reviews!

Okay the dialouge was a little 'much' meaning unrealistic and too fast without 'fillers'. But it has potential. Don't worry about the grammar and spelling. It's your first draft! (Hopefully) Now go over it again. Say it outload and it will make a lot more sense. Most authors do five or six drafts before submitting their work to publishers, so don't lose hope. Seriously, go now, read it out loud rewrite your paragraphs, rewrite your dialouge.
But i truly did like it and i am looking forward to seeing more.

When Al gets shot, I don't see too much emotion coming from Sadie. I know if I saw someone I loved in a pool of blood I'd be feeling fear, anxiety, maybe a little bit of shock.
And Sadie seems like such a child, so innocent and scared, yet she's driving? How old is she?
Anywoo, relax, write from the heart before writing from the head.
Good Job <3
Steph