Metaphor for being a teenager

I had to write an extended metaphor for my English class about being a teenager.
Constructive criticism is appreciated


Being a teenager is swinging on a swing. Back and forth, back and forth.
Your first couple of times swinging, you need a little push - maybe even a lift, if you can’t reach it, because you’re not yet able to support yourself. Soon thereafter, you realize you can do this by yourself.
Being a teenager is the trouble you might have at first, pushing off the ground and leaning forwards and backwards to get yourself started.
It’s the wind rushing through your hair as you pump your legs to go higher. It’s the creaking of the rusty swing set as you go higher and push harder. Gravity does it’s magic and a second after you’re up, you come back down, low enough for your feet to touch the ground. And then all of a sudden you’re back up again. Hair flying behind you and in front of you, creating almost a pinwheel kind of effect.
Being a teenager is swinging so high that the chain holding your swing starts twisting and turning and you’re soon enough, you’re twirling around yourself. Sometimes, you go so high you jump. There also comes a time when you go so high you feel like you’re going to take off right with the swing set and fly away.

Being a teenager is the exhilaration you get when you lean back and let the swing carry you. Back and forth, back and forth. Touching the ground only for a second, if touching it at all, and always ending back up.

Being a teenager is jumping off the swing. It’s getting back on to try and jump farther. You pump your legs and get higher than before, and then you push yourself off and for a couple of seconds you’re just free falling. Maybe you land on your feet, maybe you don’t succeed and you land on your hands and knees. But despite your unsuccessful jump, you muster all the frustration you have and turn it into strength. You get back on and keep trying until you beat that record you set for yourself.

After you’ve gone higher than you ever have before, after you’ve beat all your jumping records and your muscles are all tight from swinging that entire time, you slow down. Your crazy, exhilarating, frustrating, back and forth ride is ending. The wind that almost took you away dies down and you can touch the ground now. Maybe for you jump off to end with a bang, or maybe you stay on until the swing completely stops.
Nevertheless, the end of your swinging adventure doesn’t mean anything, it’s always open for you to get back on and swing.

Hey Nonsense, I'll be your reviewer for today!

First off, I would like to say that I enjoyed reading this. The connection you made between swinging and being a teenager kept me hooked and interested the entire time. Also, YOU HAVE GRAMMAR! Ahem... moving on...

Your essay flowed really well, it was easy to lose yourself in the metaphor and begin to actually imagine your own life as being on a swing set. So there, you succeeded. However, there were some small things that I saw.

And then all of a sudden you’re back up again.(;) Hair flying behind you and in front of you, creating almost a pinwheel kind of effect.

I would put either a semicolon or a comma in between 'again' and 'hair. The second sentence sounds like a fragment sentence to me.

Being a teenager is swinging so high that the chain holding your swing starts twisting and turning and you’re soon enough, you’re twirling around yourself.

This word doesn't belong here, it doesn't make any sense. People make this mistake all the time, especially when they are thinking too quickly for their fingers to type.

There also comes a time when you go so high you feel like you’re going to take off right with the swing set and fly away.

Personally, I would take the word 'right' completely out of that sentence. It doesn't flow very well with the sentence and can give the impression of sounding childish. However, if you want to keep it then just switch the two highlighted words.

You get back on and keep trying until you beat that record you set for yourself.

Once again, this sentence just doesn't flow and I have a hard time saying it out loud. It could be just me but then again, it could be everyone else too. Try rephrasing it to something like, "You get back on and keep trying until you beat the record that you set for yourself."

After you’ve gone higher than you ever have before, after you’ve beat all (of) your jumping records and your muscles are all tight from swinging that entire time, you slow down.

When I read this sentence, I remembered myself when I was nine saying, "Look at all the horses!" My teacher turned to me and said, "Look at all of the horses." It could be that it was just her style of teaching, but when I see someone write "all the" or "all your", I flinch. Try putting an 'of' in there and see how it sounds.

Maybe for you jump off to end with a bang, or maybe you stay on until the swing completely stops.

The 'for' here doesn't make sense. It's basically the same thing that happened with the 'you're' up there, you're just thinking too quickly for your fingers to type correctly.

Overall, I think that this was a good piece. Nothing spectacular, but it was solid and convincing. I personally enjoyed reading it quite a bit. You just need to look out for the small mistakes that I listed.

Hope I helped!
-HP

I really, really loved this! It is so true how being a teenager is swinging on a swing! It really hooked me into what you wrote and kept me interested the whole time! I loved this line "it’s always open for you to get back on and swing." I just loved it for some reason! but this line confused me "Maybe for you jump off to end with a bang, or maybe you stay on until the swing completely stops." Maybe re-wording it would make it easier to understand! But overall I love this and it was great!

- KAH

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