Silly Band Hearbreak

Hi LittlePetRock! How cute! This is a very sweet little ... um ... uh ... article thingy. But I think that if this lacks anything, it's a purpose. Is it to express your anger at breaking up with your boyfriend? Is it to show people the effects Silly Bands have had on your relationship -- or, rather, to compare your relationship to Silly Bands? It's always a good idea to write down what the purpose of the story/article/whatever-it-may-be, just so you know to stay on track while writing. Not that this didn't stay on track. I'm just still left here seeking the point.

LittlePetRock wrote:Birdie - Your vibrancy and looks perked my interest from the start. Your soft words echoed in my mind. With you I felt as if I could reach the skies. I fell for you instantly, like a young innocent girl - after all, I was one. Your smile intoxicated me, I was mesmerized by your eyes… blue like crystal waters, they drowned me. For the first time, I actually felt loved; I felt cared for.

Nice. I like this.

LittlePetRock wrote:Dog - You promised your loyalty, your devotion. I believed it. Young puppy love, I continued to fall head over heels. Like a small dog, you ached to be with me, to feel my affection, and I longed for the same. I couldn’t wait to be with you, more and more. I cried when you weren’t around, and never slept, until I heard your voice. My entire life was at the mercy of you.

As for the things I highlighted in blue ...

You have a comma after the dependent clause, "Young puppy love," then continue with the complete sentence, "I continued to fall head over heels." Unless you are addressing young puppy love, the sentence doesn't make sence. Try something like, "I continued to fall head over heels at your young puppy love." Does that make sense?

Yes, he ached to be with you "like a small dog." But, I thought he was a small dog. I know we're speaking metaphorically, but it is already stated in the metaphor that you are comparing the boy to the dog, right?

"My entire life was at the mercy of you," quite honestly, sounds sort of weird. Why not say, "My entire life was at your mercy"?

LittlePetRock wrote:Skull and Crossbones - I knew something was wrong; it was all too perfect. You’re nothing more than poison, trying to consume me. I drank, from the cup, such sweet candy. At first you made me drunk -- high, little did I know you were killing me from the inside out. I became addicted to the very poison that was deducting minutes from my days on earth. I enjoyed the bliss, the ecstasy I felt. Then it broadsided me, I didn’t know what hit me. My world began to spiral out of control, it was a beautiful disaster, turned into my worst nightmare. I wish I knew I was playing with fire before I began to dig this ditch I must now lay in.[/color]

Hmm. I didn't know they even had a skull and crossbones silly band. Anywho! You seem to have a tendency to link two independent clauses with a comma. This is a common mistake, but is a mistake, at that. Two independent clauses may either be linked by a comma and conjunction (and, but, etc.), a semicolon, or a period. I'm not sure if you're familiar with the phrase "independent clause," but if you're not, you might look here ...

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/clauses.htm

LittlePetRock wrote:Dagger - The pain coursed through my veins, I became broken and empty. The lies I believed, the false masquerade, the poison. Everything was nothing more than for your own personal gain. I was the pawn in your sick little game, played to the fullest extent. When you were through with me, you stabbed me in the heart. Drained of love, drained of trust, numb. Here I lie, feeling like no one cares, hated, with the life that was destroyed because I waited, but you never showed up (?), in the ditch I have dug with the encouragement from you.

Ow, my eyes! I switched it back to black here. Yellow is really hard to read. XD In blue I highlighted another example of linking two independent clauses with a comma *tisk, tisk*. In bluish-green I highlighted my favorite sentence in the whole article/story/thingy. I love chess, and am obsessed with whatever chess jokes and metaphors I can lay my hands on. Oh, speaking of lay! You don't lay down, you lie down. The tenses of the verb "to lie" are commonly confused. Don't worry, I mix them up, too.

I found this to be a very meaningful, interesting, and, above all, unique piece of literature. I must say, the Silly Bands metaphor is brilliant. With a little bit of work, this should be spectacular! Keep writing!

- Abigail

Hey LittlePetRock,

This was cool. Some of the colors were hard to read though.
The bird paragraph was fine by me. I liked it a lot.

LittlePetRock wrote:Dog - You promised your loyalty, your devotion. I believed it. Young puppy love, I continued to fall head over heels. Like a small dog, you ached to be with me, to feel my affection, and I longed for the same. I couldn’t want to be with you, more and more. I cried when you weren’t around, and never slept, until I heard your voice. My entire life was at the mercy of you.

Okay... I liked most of this one too but "I couldn't want to be with you more and more" doesn't sound right. Maybe, I couldn't want to be with you more... I'm not sure I just don't like the way it falls.

Skull and Crossbones - I knew something was wrong, it was all to perfect. You’re nothing more than poison, trying to consume me. I drank from the cup, such sweet candy. At first you made me drunk, high, little did I know you were killing me from the inside out. I became addicted to the very poison that was deducting minutes from my days on earth. I enjoyed the bliss, the ecstasy I felt. Then it broadsided me, I didn’t know what hit me. My world began to spiral out of control, it was a beautiful disaster, turned into my worst nightmare. I wish I knew I was playing with fire before I began to dig this ditch I must now lay in.

I would switch ditch to grave just so you don't have to add the "I must now lay in." I caught some run on sentences. "I knew something was wrong. It was all to perfect. A semicolon would be good too. Also, At first you made me drunk, high. Little did I know you were killing me from inside out. And... Then it broadsided me. I didn't know what hit me. My world began to spiral out of control. It was a beautiful disaster, turned my worst nightmare.

About that, wouldn't a disaster be a nightmare no matter how beautiful it was?

[color=#FFBF00]Dagger - The pain coursed through my veins, I became broken and empty. The lies I believed, the false masquerade, the poison. Everything was nothing more than for your own personal gain. I was the pawn in your sick little game, played to the fullest extent. When you were through with me, you stabbed me in the heart. Drained of love, drained of trust, numb. Here I lay, feeling like no one cares, hated, with the life that was destroyed because I waited but you never shown, in the ditch I have dug with the encouragement from you.

More run ons! The pain coursed through my veins. I becaume broken and empty.

I've got to run or I would continue.

Really liked it. I applaud your heart and wish you well in any other relationships.