Boredom

So, I was trying to convince my friend that poetry is fun to write, and it can be about anything. We got into a sort of contest- we both had to write a poem about boredom, a subject she said couldn't make a good poem. I asked her to list some things she related to boredom, and got: leather couches, ipods, and summer. Here's what I wrote:



My earphones are weights,

their sounds bear no relief

From the heavy air

Of the summer afternoon.

The leather couch

Is worn

And my fingertips have learned its creases well

From tracing them

Over

And

Over.



So, yup. That's it. Please bear in mind that we had said contest at eleven at night, and I wrote this in about two minutes.

Hey there!

The first thing I noticed and liked about the poem, whether it be intentional or not, is the way you've structured it. By spacing each line away from each other it kind of makes the tone droney and slow, much like boredom. I enjoyed that. Essentially it is quite a simple poem, with you using the ideas and molding some kind of adjectives around them to structure something and the only clever bit of writing I saw here was the ending:

Over

And

Over.

I thought this was clever because of the way you kind of drift away at the end instead of something definitive.

Unlike this, at the start I just felt everything was a bit forced and that's why it didn't quite have as good of an effect as your use of structure. Such as:

From the heavy air

Is the air really heavy? Does this really create the atmosphere of boredom for your readers or is it just personal to you? It just felt a bit like, okay, your in need of something to be in relief from... hmm... heavy air. Do you know what I mean? It just seems a bit alien to try and familiarise with.

Apart from that the flow, structure and punctuation (besides the capitalisation of every line, not sure that was needed) were all good. The ending was very clever and it isn't half a bad try for a late at night competition.
Keep it up and I hope this helps,
Ben

Thanks, Ben. Much appreciated.

Anyone else?

Dreamy115 wrote:My earphones are weights, This just sounded odd to me. I've never heard someone say earphones before only headphones...

their sounds bear no relief Sounds is an o.K. word, but if you replaced it with something it could give you a deeper meaning or just more description. What does the music sound like to the listener? Droning? Buzzing?

From the heavy air

Of the this sounds better to me... I am not sure why. summer afternoon.

The leather couch This line seems detached from the one before it. You just kind of switch to a different topic.

Is worn I am not sure why this deserves its own line. The way you have structured this poem the shortest lines are more stressed. I don't see why you couldn't just add it to the previous line, actually I think that would make it sound smoother.

And my fingertips have learned its creases well

From tracing them

Over

And

Over. I liked this ending it made me feel as if the writer was falling asleep, because there was nothing better to do.

This is actually a great poem. It made me want to yawn! With some editing (because you did write it late at night) it actually could be published!

Hope I helped,

A. S.

Yooooo

Considering you always review my stuff, I'm glad that I'm finally reviewing something of yours. See, I can be a good person when I want to be. You've already got a couple of epic reviews, so I'll try not to repeat anything that isn't necessary. Also, I must be bored a lot because my ipod rules my life.

My earphones are weights,

their sounds bare no relief

from the heavy air

of the summer afternoon.

The leather couch

is worn

and my fingertips have learned its creases well

from tracing them

over

and

over.

This little edit isn't actually something you have to do. Well, except for the bear thing because you said that there was the sound of a big, fluffy, aggressive animal. A.K.A You used the wrong bare. With poems like this, grammar isn't really that important, in my opinion. I just thought that I'd edit it a bit to show you another way you could set it out. So yeah, this isn't really necessary, but I thought I'd just show you what else you could do with the grammar. All I've actually doen is replaced all of the capital letters with lowercase letters. It's 'cause I'm cool. K?

Overall

I agree that this was actually really cool as a poem. To be honest, this review will be crappy and short because there isn't much I can critique about this kind of poem. It's a short poem as well, so there isn't much writing I can actually critique. Onto the poem itself, I adore the structure of it. Like Ben said, the way you've set it out gives off the impression of boredom and slowness. If the structure of the poem wasn't set out like it is, it would be nowhere near as effective, if you ask me. It definitely shows that you know how to make your writing and the way you organise it effective. When it comes to your grammar, it was perfect as far as I can tell. You used your commas and periods correctly, so I don't have anything to complain about there. The same goes for your spelling; no misspelled words, as far as I can tell.

The only thing that I can really come up with to critique is about the start of your poem. Basically, the start sounds a bit awkward to me for some reason. I think that it's because compared to the rest of it, that feeling of boredom isn't really there. It's the first four lines that I'm really talking about here, the part about the ipod and summer. You use the words weights and heavy and that's partly why it takes away the boredom feeling. Instead of feeling bored, I got the impression of hurting, come to think of it. I don't think I'm making sense... Do you kind of know what I mean? I think that if you worded the sentences a bit better, the feeling of boredom and slowness could be more effective and definitely a bit more obvious.

Other than that, I actually don't have anything else to say. This poem as a whole is really great in my opinion. If you ask me, you PWNED your friend. Just saying. Like I said before and like others have said, it's really clever how you make us readers feel the boredom through your poem. The way you've structured it is very good and it gives exactly the right impression. I do think that the start could maybe be tweaked a bit here and there, but it's not that serious. Besides that, the rest of the poem is pretty much perfect. Your grammar is great and your spelling was just as good, except for that little bare slip up. Mind you, knowing me, I'm wrong or something... All that you need to do is to maybe edit the start a bit and I can confidently say that this could end up being a really quirky, lovely poem.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

*likes*

Thanks Skinsy and Calligraphy!

Woohoo! Featured work! Thanks, you guys!

That sums up my summer in eleven lines. Great job, I love this poem.