My Demon (Prologue)

I know the title is pretty weak so if you have any suggestions that would be great. Of course, any grammar/creative suggestions are welcome as well. As a warning this is really vague and is truly just an opener. It will make more sense with the next chapter.

I lay beside the man I've been blessed with and turn, so my abdomen, large with child touches his warm body. I smile as his peaceful expression morphs into a ghost of a grin and thank the gods I grasped my chance at pure happiness with both hands.

Since our exile, I've found a wondrous tranquility in the silence of these dark, beautiful woods. Of course, life isn't always happy. Simplicity never reigns long. Lately, with my baby nestled safely within I have become easy to anger, prone to scream and let my feelings known. With his pride large and quick to bruise, he shouts back.

This evening one of our yelling matches took place over what my mind, fogged with the need for sleep, can't recall. I stormed out by the end and slammed the door leading to our room. He followed soon after. Amazing how beautiful the love born of anger is. How gentle and sweet he is as frustration melts away.

Pregnant, my visions have become stronger, more often, and more vivid.

I see a strained relationship between two species snap and a bloody war that will last generations. A princess will lose everyone and find another. Will happiness be found? Will she find an end to the stalemate that continues to take blood?

My mind spins, and I surrender to the weariness plaguing me. I put my arm over his chest just to assure myself of his presence and close my heavy eyes.

One can't spend the night worrying over a war that won't take place in my lifetime. I can't waste my precious hours of sleep on a girl I'll never meet.

"Sleep," he murmurs into my ear and wraps his arms around me. "Such deep thoughts aren't allowed so late at night."

I kiss his bare shoulder in reply and open my eyes slowly to meet his.

Unknown girl, I've seen your soul in my dreams. Never quick to judge, you care for all of your people. Don't be blinded by the loss your enemies have brought. Think of the grief that surely stains their society, the grief you have caused. Extend the openness your people receive to them and you'll find they are more similar that you think. I should know.

I return his embrace and whisper, "I love you... my demon."

All my critiques and nitpicks and comments are going to be in bold.

megsug wrote:

I lay beside the man I've been blessed with and turn so my abdomen, large with child touches, his warm body. I smile as his peaceful expression morphs into a ghost of a grin and thank the gods. I grasped my chance at pure happiness with both hands.

Since our exile I've found a wondrous tranquility in the silence of these dark, beautiful woods. Of course, life isn't always happy. Simplicity never reigns long. Lately, with my baby nestled safely within, I have become easy to anger, prone to scream and let my feelings known.

With his pride large and quick to bruise,he doesn't hold back.

This evening one of our yelling matches took place over what my mind, fogged with the need for sleep can't recall. I stormed out by the end and slammed the door leading to our room. He followed soon after. Amazing how beautiful the love born of anger is. How gentle and sweet he is as frustration melts away. I really like this sentence. Very poetic.

Pregnant, my visions have become stronger, more often, and more vivid. Visions? I feel like i need to know more about you character. Why is she having visions? Who is she?

I see a strained relationship between two species snap and a bloody war that will last generations. A princess will lose everyone and find another. Will happiness be found? Will she find an end to the stalemate that continues to take blood?

My mind spins and I surrender to the weariness plaguing me. I put my arm over his chest just to assure myself of his presence and close my heavy eyes.

One can't spend the night worrying over a war that won't take place in my lifetime. I can't waste my precious hours of sleep on a girl I'll never meet.

"Sleep," he murmurs into my ear and wraps his arms around me. "Such deep thoughts aren't allowed so late at night."

I kiss his bare shoulder in reply and open my eyes slowly to meet his.

Unknown girl, I've seen your soul in my dreams. Never quick to judge, you care for all of your people. Don't be blinded by the loss your enemies have brought. think of the grief that surely stains their society, the grief you have caused. Extend the openness your people receive to them and you'll find they are more similar that you think. I should know.This paragraph doesn't really fit in this part of the story. Maybe you could put this at the end of the chapter.

I return his embrace and whisper, "I love you... my demon.

All and all, this was quite good. I want more information on your characters. Why does your MC have visions? Why is she exiled? Where does this take place? What is the storyline? I think more background information would be nice in your prologue.

Hi Sierra.

This prolouge was actually pretty good. It set a very authentic medieval tone. I don't really like Fantasy stories, but this wasn't overly medivealish. The biggest problem though, is just to polish the piece. Your character is likeable, and the plot has promise, but it's all vague and confusing. There's love, banishment and visions of the future all wrapped up too tightly. Just take a little more time and words to develop each idea, as this prolouge is pretty short. Also, look over the grammar in this piece. Here are just a few things that popped out:

this evening one of our yelling matches took place over what my mind, fogged with the need for sleep can't recall

Two problems: first, capitalize the "t" in this. Also, this sentence seems confusing.

will she find an end to the stalemate that continues to take blood?

Capitalize "will"

"I love you... my demon.

Add an end quotation.

If you have any questions or thoughts, just PM me.