In a Moment (The Reviewer's Poem)

Dear New Member

Dear New Member,
Please live up to my expectations,
I'm packing up and going elsewhere,
Leaving a vacancy for you to fill,

So when you write your poems,
Remember to punctuate adequately,
Don't swear in chat or make a mod ban you,
Be generous with your reviews,
Adhere to the rules,
And remember,
It's a privilege, not a right,

I'm leaving to a duller pasture
Rightly so,
I'm now a dull boy,
No longer a service to the site,
Just another user to be registered and monitored

In a moment I became out-dated,
Forever will I be out-dated:
Sitting in a dark office like a veteran superhero,
Staring at dusty trophies and accolades.
Forever I will do this,
Just like you will too,

But in the moment just enjoy yourself,
And remember:
Show, don't tell,

---

This poem stems from my recent in-activity on YWS and reading through my previous reviews. Sometimes great, sometimes stupid and really not making any sense at all. PLEASE! This poem was written to an extreme. I am not leaving the site. Please don't send me helpful little articles on how great YWS is, Bible verses, Self-help lines, etc.

I'm not sure if this lacks emotion. It was spontaneous and I wasn't aiming for it to be flashy. If anything just tell me whether it was written in good form or if there's a better way to express my sadness. Is it quite clear?

Hey there,

This is a very thought provoking poem and naturally one each and every person on YWS can relate to. We all have that heavy conscience of whether or not we're needed, if we're still being helpful. I really like this poem for bringing up that point and the language, pace and content all leave us with quite the effect of thinking about whether or not we too are still helpful in our reviews.

However, my main nitpick for this piece of poetry is the choice of punctuation. The flow is very good when the punctuation is ignored, but at the moment if read with it, your fluency suffers. In the first stanza, be more picky with whether or not to end a line with a comma. Does it really need it? Does the reader really need to dwell a little more on this line, or shall I make them dwell on another so it carries more effect? Just ask yourself some of these questions. Also experiment a little more. Use semi-colons, hashes, fullstops and question marks. Make sure your using your punctuation to the best level possible to carry effect.

Anyway, I hope this helped! Even more so than normal after reading this.
Keep it up and also keep reviewing!
Ben

Hi TheNewHero! I like this, and I'm sure everyone here on YWS can sympathise. I agree with BenFranks; you have commas everywhere.

I'm going to have to be blunt, though; I found this pretty monotonous.

TheNewHero wrote:I'm leaving to a duller pasture
Rightly so,I'm now a dull boy,
No longer a service to the site,
Just another user to be registered and monitored

It may be just me, but I find that when someone uses the word "dull" multiple times in a poem, is slowly but surely makes the poem dull. It kind of has a bit of the monotony of George Orwell's 1985, minus Big Brother watching. This probably doesn't make any sense at all. Feel free to disregard this whole critique. o_O

TheNewHero wrote:But in the moment just enjoy yourself,
And remember:
Show, don't tell,

This is my favorite stanza. It is witty, and I love the last line. However, I"m not sure about ending a poem with a comma. Commas imply that there is more to come, that the reader is merely pausing for a short interval. Other than these few things, this is a great poem! Keep writing!

- Abigail

Hey thanks BenFranks, Abigail_W! I think I still have to get to what your saying with the punctuation because it looks weird when only some lines have commas whilst others don't. And Abi, I knew there was a word repeating! I'll edit it it within another two comment or two hours

Thanks,
A-hyuck-hyuck,

P.S
Even my signatures have comma habits!