Wicked Deception: Vivian 2 pt 2

I AM PULLING THIS NOVEL DOWN FROM THE SITE

Hello, I'm Apple and I'll be you reviewer for today. Sorry if I sound harsh, but reviewing is my trade.

I. Nitpicks and grammatical errors:

As I rounded the corner#FF0000 ">; I bumped into someone really hard.

To me, this really needs a semi-colon. I read over this sentence numerous times and there always seems to be a break. Just to clear it up, I think that it should be left there so it is visible that it is a pause in your writing.

“That shirt’s one of my paychecks and I can’t afford to waste my money on#FF0000 ">-” Michael gestured towards my shirt. “#FF0000 ">-#FF0000 ">an accident.”

Just did your pauses wrong. When I usually do the pause and explain thing, I place a hyphen in to stress my point; otherwise the reader gets confused with what you're trying to do. And also, as you didn't finish what you were saying, there shouldn't be a capital letter. {I don't know If I am particularly right, but that is what I do. Sorry if I get it wrong}

Even though his words weren’t what I wanted to hear#FF0000 ">, his face said he was nothing but sincere.

But it was hard to focus on his kindness when he was telling me no.

I don't think this sentence is needed at all. If you reword it the maybe, otherwise it just sounds like filler to me. And as this story is to good to have filler ruining it, I think you should get rid of it.

II. Plot Structure:

Woho, this chick got some spice to her name! She's all up in your face. My initial reaction to this is that you have a lot of fire as a writer and I like the way you place that into your story. You allow the reader to enter the soul of the protagonist and deal with what she is going through. You deception to explain character features is brilliant. You didn't stress to much detail but gave us enough that we could form an image of this grease monkey!

I do have some comments to improve this though, and trust me they ain't plenty. You have real skill with your writing, which is something that most don't have.

Michael to me seems innocent and that is a change from all the girl characters being the innocent ones and the male being rough as guts and I absolutely love that...but, if an innocent character is being black mailed they wouldn't take it so easily as the Grease Monkey did. To me, I think you have to place more action and feelings into his words and his bodily movement.

You did well the protagonist but Michael seems to be lacking. As you have to drive characters into being as life-like as possible; you wouldn't take to kindly to someone threatening you. I recommend that you go through and make him seem a little more uneasy and change his dialogue so he is more apologetic and some what fearful, though not to much to destroy his image.

III. Overall:

This is a story that I really enjoy. There wasn't many things to pick up on but your pauses and a few errors that have been pointed out above. Great job, I think I am going to continue on reading these.

~Keep writing

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