I absolutely love your use of language- to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I entirely followed the end, but the rest of the story was excellent. I love your use of description and your immediate character development. I was taken aback when I started this piece out. It was superb. As I said, the last bit was a bit muddling for me, but the beginning was absolutely fantastic.
I am going to be wonderfully useless when it actually comes to criticism. Perhaps clear up the last part a little? It may have just been my inability to follow you that caused it though. I dunno.
